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The finger on the invisible hand

Lesbian Koalas

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

(SNN The Bush) Researchers now say that female koalas indulge in lesbian sex sessions when in captivity. But when they are in the wild, they remain heterosexual.

"Some females rejected the advances of males that were in their enclosures, only to become willing participants in homosexual encounters immediately after," say the researchers. "On several occasions more than one pair of females shared the same pole, and multiple females mounted each other simultaneously. At least one multiple encounter involved five female koalas."

It’s typical. You’re in some bar and you see two hot girls kissing, and so you buy them drinks, only to find out that they really weren’t pretending to be lesbians to get your attention, but they really are lesbians and they take your drinks anyway. Then you start talking to them anyway and find out that one of them is bi and you end up dating her a couple of times, and you think she really might be the one, but then she moves in with this middle aged woman named Tina. What does Tina have that I haven’t got? Huh? Answer me Sharon!


Insurgents Attack Cheney

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

(SNN Kabul) A suicide bomber blew himself up outside the United States military base hosting Vice President Dick Cheney. The Taliban has taken responsibility for the incident; so has some guy in Cleveland.

The Taliban claimed responsibility for the attack, saying that they chose the target based on Mr. Cheney’s presence. Some are saying that this newest incident once again shows that the Administration should not provide the Taliban with the location of high ranking officials. However, the Vice President himself has called this policy “a winning strategy.”

Speaking to reporters, Mr. Cheney recounted his experience. “I heard a loud boom. The Secret Service came in and told me there had been an attack on the main gate.” Mr. Cheney was moved “for a brief period of time” physically, but not emotionally.

Asked by reporters about his reaction to the Taliban claim of responsibility for the attack, Mr. Cheney said: “I’d say that if this is the best the Taliban can do, I am going to live forever… I think I’m having a heart attack.” The Vice President was the attended by the elite cadre of heart specialists that travel with him constantly.


Editor’s Note: Family Ties

Monday, February 26, 2007

Recently we have heard revelations that members of Strom Thurmond’s family once owned members of the Reverend Al Sharpton’s family. Sharpton claimed to be shocked by the revelation, but it is hardly surprising. At one point, members of Strom Thurmond’s family actually owned over eighty percent of the African slaves in the United States.

This revelation got me interested in my own family history. And after extensive research, I can now honestly say that I am a Beetch.

Sir Alfred Ezekiel Beetch III was my Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Grandfather. Beetch was at one time the most successful gentlemen’s shop owner in all of London. Wealthy young gentlemen would refer to shopping in London as “checking out the Beetchs’.” Beetch was also famous for dueling, challenging his detractors to duals with a slap of his gloves.

However, Beetch’s legacy did not live on, due to the cruelty of his two sons, Alfred IV and Stephen, who were best known for beating up children and serial rape. The entire line was ended as a result of the actions of the two dangerous sons of Beetch’s. Fortunately, I am not descended from either of them, but from Beetch’s daughter, Charity, who went on to marry Victorian industrialist Nimrod Coke Suker.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000


Ghazaliyah Quiet

Friday, February 23, 2007

(SNN Tikrit) Northeast of Baghdad’s airport, Iraq’s sectarian violence has been at its worst. The area is policed by the Army’s first combat outpost, and the calvary company stationed there is used to gunfights and rocket propelled grenades. Now they are experiencing something even more frightening, silence.

“It’s kind of scary. It’s kind of scary,” says Sgt. Sergej Michaud, 24. The routine of his platoon was changed a few days ago when the combatants from the are simply disappeared. "At least twice, three times a day, every day," said Sgt. Jason McQueen, there were "straight-up gunfights all around you." But now, said 1st Lt. Jake Furda, 26, "the biggest question of everyone's mind is, 'where the hell are they?'"

Part of the explanation, said Capt. Erik Peterson, may be the Mahdi Army's paternity claim on Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. However, the Capt. Peterson admits that it could be worry over the mental health or Britney Spears. In either case he and his company are hoping to exploit the situation. "This is a great opportunity to drive a wedge between the militia and the general population."

On the streets of Ghazaliyah, Sgt. Michaud said, the Mahdi Army continued to "slowly, but surely," force Sunnis from their homes through other forms of intimidation. It is thought that they are doing this so that they can watch the Anna Nicole court cases on television.


Editor’s Note: Equality

Thursday, February 22, 2007

As a conservative man, I have to say that I am appalled by Anna Nicole Smith’s treatment in the news. The mainstream media will not even leave this story alone for long enough to prove how a Clinton Obama ticket would strengthen Al Quesadilla.

But even more than that, their coverage is sexist. All these accusations are being thrown around the media every day about the identity of the father of Anna Nicole’s baby, but has anyone ever asked who the mother might be. It’s as if they’re saying that only men can be promiscuous.

I think it is time to give Anna Nicole a maternity test to prove if the baby was really hers. This will have the added benefit of making sure that none of the possible fathers replaces the baby with a ringer, containing their DNA.

Once again I reiterate that I care not at all for the mainstream media’s treatment of Anna Nicole. They should have some respect for the dead. Also I would like to remind them that Senators Clinton and Obama are both living and therefore fair game. For that matter, I think we should give a paternity test to Barrack Obama. I don't think his father was really black.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000


Teens Rediscover Sports

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

(SNN Detroit) While we have been hearing reports of lazy teenagers for years, two areas of excercise for American youth have actually been on the increase, Video Game and Sport Killing.

Video games would not be where anyone would expect to get their exercise, yet recent research at Liverpool John Moores University has shown that kids who regularly play Nintendo Wii games burn 40% more calories than kids who play other game systems or passively watch TV.

Criminologists call it ‘Sport Killing.’ But whatever you want to call it, the number of murders of homeless people by teenagers is the highest in a decade, according to stats by the National Coalition for the Homeless. While these attacks are brutal a senseless two things are certain, beating homeless people to death not only burns calories, it also manages to get teenagers out of the house.

The sad thing is that many parents think that their children are so lazy that they could never murder a homeless person. Take the words of Laura Simpson, whose son beat a 56 year old into a coma with a baseball bat. "It was just hard to comprehend. The first thing was, 'Not Justin. There has to be a mistake,'" Laura said. "You think you know everything that's going on and you don't."

Additional Information
CNN: Watch two teenagers beat a cowering homeless man with bats


Ballmer: Windows Vista Kinda Sucks

Monday, February 19, 2007

(SNN Redmond) Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer today said that observers were “too Bullish” about the importance of Windows Vista to Microsoft’s Earnings. He called financial estimates based on Vista success “overly optimistic” and finally admitted that Vista “kinda sucks.”

According to Ballmer, “Some of the revenue forecasts I have seen for Windows Vista in fiscal 2008 are overly aggressive." In addition Ballmer said that Vista was so unremarkable that he was considering buying an iMac for his own personal use.

Ballmer’s remarks caused a 2.3 percent drop in the company’s stock price. To put this in perspective, this means that due to Ballmer’s comments, Bill Gates lost enough money to buy Guam.

However, not everyone believes Ballmer’s dire news. Take Steve Ballmer from three weeks ago, who said, “We think in the next three months we'll probably sell five times as many copies of Windows Vista as we ever did [Windows 95] in the equivalent period of time. ... We'll probably go double what we did with Windows XP.” Take that Steve Ballmer.

However, Steve Ballmer claims that Microsoft Revenue will still be strong due to corporate licensees who will be forced to pay for Vista whether they want to or not.


Jefferson to sit on security

Friday, February 16, 2007

(SNN Washington) Rep. William Jefferson (D-LA), who recently pled guilty to corruption in an ongoing investigation, has been appointed to the coveted Homeland Security Committee, the agency that oversees the Department of Homeland Security.

Jefferson had pled guilty to accepting bribes from a businessman who was rewarded contracts with African nations. Jefferson was caught with $90,000 in his freezer, earning him the nickname Dollar Bill Jefferson, which in Jefferson’s District of New Orleans is considered a mark of honor.

The Committee oversees the web of government agencies that are supposed to protect Americans from terrorists. This would indirectly put Jefferson on the oversight committee for the agency currently investigating him. Fortunately, the Department of Homeland Security is simply a bureaucratic money pit and has no real power.

This is considered the third worst mistake the Democrats have made since taking Congress. The worst was the appointment of Rep. Gray Fox to the United Nations International Commission on Hen Houses (UNICHH). The second, of course was when Rep. Dennis Kucinich was left in the Congress alone during a Holiday break and was force to fight off two robbers with his ingenious, yet annoying antics.

The appointment is expected to be announced today.


Kansas Welcomes Evolution to Curriculum

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

(SNN Topeka) The Kansas Board of Education yesterday reversed science standards that were widely seen as a promotion of Intelligent Design over the teaching of evolution. The vote was 6-4 in favor of adopting new standards that scientists say will strengthen the teaching of evolution.

Kansas has long been a battleground between scientists and people who are not scientists about how science should be taught. Critics say that the new guidelines prevent the teaching of miracles and shamanism in the science classroom.

However, not everyone thinks that “scientists” should get the final word on what is “science”. John Calvert of the Intelligent Design Network in Shawnee Mission, Kansas, who helped write the standards that were thrown out said, "What they've done is systematically delete any information that might be critical of evolution. This goes against the very mission of public education." Calvert then went back to working on his new improved immortality rings.

Now that the science curriculum in Kansas has been updated, teachers can now look forward to teaching other modern ideas, such as the application of leeches to remove foul humors from the sick and the discussion of the theory that it would be possible to go around the world in 80 days.


Anna Nicole Sacrificed Self

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

(SNN Miami) While many rumors are currently surrounding the death of pseudocelebrity Anna Nicole Smith, perhaps the most vicious involves her taking her own life.

Several reports by news agencies last week characterized Ms. Smith’s death as a probable suicide. However, SNN has gained exclusive information from an anonymous source reportedly close to the family, physically but not metaphorically.

The anonymous source claims that the potential yacht owner was so saddened by the disparaging remarks made about the diaper wearing astronauts of the United States that she took her own life rather than watch another day’s worth of news over Lisa Nowak’s diapers.

Smith reportedly did not just sacrifice herself out of empathy for astronauts, but also out of a need to stop hearing about adult diapers again and again and again.

It is not known if the reality actress had any feelings about NASA’s use of BB guns, pepper spray, knives or mallets. However, it is said that she was fond of rubber tubing.

Other adult diaper wearers: pilots, deep sea divers, people who compete in radio station drinking contests.

Smith was 39 and much shorter than the 141 inches of snow, which fell on Redfield, New York and must be removed from rooftops before the buildings collapse under the weight.


Editor’s Note: A funny thing happened on the way to North Korea

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

It turns out that I overestimated the ire of our South Korean allies. I thought that that penetration into North Korea was going to be the more difficult of my objectives, so I never really worried about leaving South Korea. It turns out that they do not let random people cross the DMZ to kick some ass.

The conditions in a South Korean jail are harsh. The only news I could receive was CNN International. I tried to hold strong in the face of their liberal brain washing, but I have to admit that if I had to stay another week, I don’t know if I could have held out.

Thanks to the efforts of the US Embassy, I touched down at JFK at 7:30 yesterday evening. By 7:35, I was again watching Fox News.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000


Editor’s Note: Over the Wall

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Faithful readers,

While I have failed to find Mr. Lee, I have obtained transport. Tonight, I travel to the belly of the beast. I will cross a militarized border into a country where my quarry is worshipped as a god. Unfortunately, due to some language and cultural confusion, I will go armed with only a sharpened stick.

But think not of me, faithful reader. Just think of America and our need to defend ourselves by attacking a country half way across the world. And Manhattan Liberals now-a-bed shall think themselves accursed they were not here.

While I try to remain optimistic, things do not look so good for your humble editor. If only I had Lucile, my uparmored Humvee with machine gun mount, with me.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000, signing out, perhaps for the final time.

We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when,
But I know we'll meet again, some sunny day.