NewsBlog 5000
The finger on the invisible hand

China rewrites History

Thursday, August 31, 2006

(SNN Shenyang) Chinese high school students will be receiving the first new history textbooks in 24 years this fall. The books radically rewrite history. All Chinese history before 1979 is only mentioned briefly. Instead the books focus on international trends and economic movements.

Authorites want students to see China as a country with a more stable and less violent history. “Our traditional version of history was focused on ideology and national identity,” said Zhu Xueqin, a historian at Shanghai University. “The new history is less ideological, and that suits the political goals of today.”

The books are seen as being progressive. Mao Zedong is barely mentioned, while Bill Gates is profiled. One chapter features the history of neckties, but General Tso is not mentioned at all.


Editor's Note: Radio Shack

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

It is sometimes hard for us as newsmen to report stories that we know will prove damaging. Sometimes in our eagerness to report the truth, we inadvertently cross boundaries that we would otherwise be morally obliged not to cross.

In January and February of this year, this blog predicted the steady decline of the Radio Shack chain of electronics stores. We based our prediction on information gleaned from a haunted store in Canada. Our predictions soon spread to other news outlets.

It is due to one of these lapses of judgment that I must apologize to Radio Shack. Yesterday Radio Shack fired 400 of its employees by e-mail. Employees at the Fort Worth headquarters got messages Tuesday morning saying: "The work force reduction notification is currently in progress. Unfortunately your position is one that has been eliminated."

We here at NewsBlog 5000 cannot help but feel responsible for the downfall of this once unstoppable retail behemoth. We know this apology cannot make up for the ruin of their company, but we hope that in some small way, this softens the blow.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Pat Carr praises Pat Carr

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

(SNN Rochester) A web site poster calling himself 127179 has often praised City Council member and Mayoral Candidate for the City of Rochester, Minn. This is not surprising considering that 127179 is City Council member and Mayoral Candidate Pat Carr.

KARR - Knight Automated Roving Robot

In all honesty, Carr can claim that his intentions are honorable and the praise he gives himself is not faint. Carr honestly believes that he deserves praise. "I stand by what I said," says Carr.

The actual truth is that Pat Carr is two people. Twins separated at birth, Carr's twin brother was in a car accident and assumed dead. He then went on a quest, walking the Earth and standing up for the silent majority. It was on one of these missions that Carr and Carr's brother met. They decided the pool their resources, and thus emerged Pat Carr Too. Two men with one mission: to run down special interest groups and expose insiders.

Pat Carr once said about Pat Carr, "Pat Carr has done nothing but stand up for the silent majority." Additionally, Pat Carr has written, "People that run [Pat Carr] down are special interest groups and insiders that Carr exposes."

It must be admitted that Carr knows a thing or two about a majority because there are two of him. However, he may need to learn a thing or two about silence.


Skippy Shops for Stemware

Monday, August 28, 2006

When I originally went to our local store that sells bedroom items, bathroom items, and various other items, I did not know I would end up writing a column about it.

I originally went to the store to buy some high quality plastic stemware. After an exhaustive search of the kitchen section, I had found stemware in the style that I wanted, but only in blue or orange. I spotted a manager and asked him if he had any of the high quality green stuff in plastics.

I admit, I should have known something was amiss when he asked me to meet him behind the store dumpsters. Unfortunately, it did not occur to me at the time. But I soon found myself being confronted by an assistant store manager waving a plastic bag filled with an ounce of marijuana in my face. This is where it got weird.

I lit up a cigarette and examined his product. As I did not want to hurt his feelings I told him that I was not in the market, but that it looked like very nice marijuana. He then informed me that there was no smoking on company property and started beating me with a Rosle Vegetable Spoon ($19.99).

Being stunned by the treatment of the assistant manager, I dropped my cigarette. At the point, he yelled, “HA HA” and threw it into the dumpster. My eyes must have followed the cigarette, because I saw in the dumpster a set of green plastic stemware that must have been partially damaged and were now partially on fire.

I grabbed out the box and made a run from the assistant manager, who was now yelling, “That’s company property,” as he swung his Rosle Vegetable Spoon at me. Now, I don’t know if it had more to do with how the fire was fanned by my running with the plastic glasses or by the shape of the stemware, but glasses started to explode out of the box I was holding like Roman candles. This attracted the attention of some police officers. What then ensued could only be described as a Benny-Hill-esque chase through the parking lot.

From now on I plan to do more shopping online.

James Skippenofsky, Skippy Does it All


5000 Salutes: Candidate James Hill

Friday, August 25, 2006

NewsBlog 5000 would like to set aside this time to recognize a great American Hero: James Hill, candidate for Iowa's First District.

Candidate Hill is a self described "Drunken Pirate" who decided to take a stand against the "false Christians and trained Monkeys." The candidate also expresses dissatisfaction with "Make-up Wearing Robots."

James has already given an idea of what we could expect from a man like him in Congress. "I would have your wife right in front of you. I would smoke the last of your glaucoma medication. Then I will surely drink your liquor cabinet dry." He also promises that if he ever rides in a limo, his constituents can beat him with a chain.

However, Hill does believe that he has some qualities that would set him aside from other candidates. The candidate proclaims that he "will never break an oath to uphold the public trust." And this is where the traditional parties break with Hill. A lack of oath breaking is a concept that remains untested in modern politics and one that some people find dangerous and offensive.

Despite his extreme beliefs about honesty and accountability, NewsBlog 5000 hereby endorses the candidacy of James Hill for Iowa's First District, wherever that is. This is mostly because we expect that if elected, he will have to ride in a limo sooner or later, and we want to see the ass whooping.

James Hill has already been endorsed by GOROGYL, the Greater Association of Righteous Gun Owning Young Lesbians.


Conservative Groups ask FBI to Watch Hotel Porn

Thursday, August 24, 2006

(SNN Some Seedy Hotel) A coalition of thirteen conservative groups, including the Concerned Women for America and the Family Research Council, took out full page ads in USA Today asking the Justice Department and FBI to investigate pay-per-view movies in hotels.

The coalition had a secondary goal in its full page ad. They wanted to promote the website called "Clean Hotels" that lists hotels and motels nationwide that have pledged not to show adult in-room entertainment. It is not known if they will also have to ban HBO, another hotel staple, for showing such borderline pornographic offerings as Real Sex, Deadwood, and Real Sports with Bryant Gumble. In addition, there is no guarantee that your Clean Hotel will not have large semen stains all over the carpet and bedspread.

However, these conservative groups may be fighting an uphill battle, hotels offering adult movies rely on pay-per-view sales for 60 to 80 percent of their revenue. This is especially true of hotels that add on a charge for an adult movie even though you didn't watch it and just accidently flipped to that channel. Isn't that right, Opryland Hotel?

The USA Today is a daily paper filled with fluffy stories and large pictures that appeals to the lowest common denominator. This makes USA Today the perfect place for conservatives to contact upper ranking members of the Justice Department.

Porn is now cheaply and readily accessible on the Internet, and through many other outlets. If you want to know more about porn ask your librarian to show you her tits.


Editor's Note: Obesity in America, a Good Start

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

According to the CDC and some "doctors", obesity is a very real and dangerous epidemic in America. Well, I have one simple statement for them, "Eat me."

William Howard Taft, 25 stone
Additional Taft Resources

Throughout the ages and across cultures, prosperity has been measured by one standard, body fat. As I write this, 64.5 percent of US adults are overweight and 30.5 percent are obese. This is not a bad statistic, but as Americans, I think we can do better.

Let's face it, anybody can be thin. All you have to do is not eat. Now, finally, because of the modern technology of 5 frozen pizzas for $10 and a dozen Swiss cake rolls for $1, anyone in America can be fat, not just the super wealthy. And that's not all.

Our food processors have been working for years on being able to stuff corn syrup into literally everything, even meat. This serves a dual purpose. It allows the average citizen to get more "prosperous" while lowering the costs for food manufacturers. You can make fetid rat blood taste good if you put enough corn syrup in it. In addition, it supports American farmers.

But lately, America's prosperity has been challenged by the Europeans, whose Royale with Cheese consumption has increased exponentially. If we want to prove that the USA is number one, this is not a war we can afford to lose.

So I would like to issue a challenge to all my loyal readers. I challenge you to increase your BMI by 20% by the end of the year. Let's show those Europeans. And if you don't you hate America, hate business, hate prosperity and hate farmers.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000



Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Can you hear the drums Mocaca
I remember long ago another starry night like this
In the firelight Mocaca
You were humming to yourself and softly strumming your guitar
I could hear the distant drums
And sounds of bugle calls were coming from afar

They were closer now Mocaca
Every hour every minute seemed to last eternally
I was so afraid Mocaca
We were young and full of life and none of us prepared to die
And I’m not ashamed to say
The roar of guns and cannons almost made me cry

There was something in the air that night
The stars were bright, Mocaca
They were shining there for you and me
For liberty, Mocaca
Though I never thought that we could lose
There’s no regret
If I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, Mocaca

Now we’re old and grey Mocaca
And since many years I haven’t seen a rifle in your hand
Can you hear the drums Mocaca?
Do you still recall the frightful night we crossed the rio grande?
I can see it in your eyes
How proud you were to fight for freedom in this land

There was something in the air that night
The stars were bright, Mocaca
They were shining there for you and me
For liberty, Mocaca
Though I never thought that we could lose
There’s no regret
If I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, Mocaca

There was something in the air that night
The stars were bright, Mocaca
They were shining there for you and me
For liberty, Mocaca
Though I never thought that we could lose
There’s no regret
If I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, Mocaca


US negotiates agreement to Stop Turkish Attacks against Kurdish Iraq

Monday, August 21, 2006

(SNN Istanbul) A new agreement has promised to put a stop to Turkish and Iranian joint military operations against both Kurdish Iraq and Iraqi Kurdistan. The countries joined in an attempt to injure terrorists from the Kurdistan Worker’s Party, who are attempting to carve up Turkey.

The military action was an embarrassment to the United States, which has touted Iraqi Kurdistan as a clear win in the war on terror. The Turkish shelling was drawing attention to the fact that there are also Kurdish terrorists.

Also, Turkey is considered the best ally of the United States (after Israel) in the Middle East. In many ways Turkey is considered the most westernized of Muslim countries. Turkey is a NATO member, has applied for EU membership, invented Coffee and Cigarettes and is named after a large bird.

In the new agreement, Turkey has promised not to attack Iraq without the assistance of the United States, recognized as the world’s foremost experts in attacking Iraq. This agreement is also a setback for Iran, which had been coordinating shell attacks into Kurdistan with Turkey.The agreement was cemented in the traditional Turkish way, over a hookah of premium hashish.

It is certain that many are heaving a sigh of relief at this agreement. Any allegiance between Iran and Turkey against the Kurds would have made Turkey our friend’s friend, our enemy’s friend and our friend’s enemy at the same time, thus negating the ability to use black and white diplomacy.


Drippy Chocolate Virgin can cure Disbelief, Hunger

Friday, August 18, 2006

(SNN Fountain Valley) A chocolatier suffering a crisis of faith has found her conviction restored with the appearance of the blessed virgin in a pile of chocolate.

Workers at Martucci Angiana's gourmet chocolate company discovered the pile of chocolate drippings that looked like the blessed virgin. "I was raised to believe in the Virgin Mary, but this still gives me the chills," Angiano said. It is fortunate that the image of the virgin appeared near people who had been raised with the image. For instance, the chocolate statue would probably been thrown away in a Muslim chocolate factory.

The chocolate figure was first discovered by Cruz Jacinto who spotted the chocolate as she began her shift. Jacinto says the discovery has renewed her faith. "I have big problems right now, personally, and lately I've been saying that God doesn't exist," she said. "This has given me renewed faith."

The chocolate was put on display in the front window of the shop for a week, but is now kept in a plastic display case in a back room. Unlike the false idols of bunnies sold at Easter, the chocolate virgin is made of solid chocolate.

The figure appears to be a woman holding a baby or perhaps some kind of bird. However, the most striking thing about the figure is how much it actually looks like the Virgin Mary, who was also black and two inches tall.


Activist Judge Hates Freedom

Thursday, August 17, 2006

(SNN Detroit) U.S. District Judge Anna Diggs Taylor became the first judge to strike down the National Security Agency Warrantless Surveillance program today. The Judge said the program violated the rights to free speech and privacy as well as separation of powers.

The American Civil Liberties Union filed the lawsuit on behalf of journalists, scholars, communists, terrorists and everyone else in the world who hates freedom.

The government argued that the program is well within the president's authority, but said proving that would require revealing state secrets. The ACLU said the state-secrets argument was irrelevant because the Bush administration had already publicly revealed enough information about the program.

Many will be upset about this ruling which basically contents that the President is not above the law. This begs the question, ‘Why do we even have laws if George W. Bush has to follow them?’

Meanwhile, the President has begun dressing like Bono.


Go Ask Alice

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Alice Humbees, the NewsBlog 5000 advice coloumnist, has returned with a brand new column.


I am sixteen and I have been dating this boy for four months, he wants sex, but I’m not sure. What should I do? Do I owe it to him?

Susan K.


Four Months? Of course you owe it to him. If you stay in a relationship long enough, there are expectations. If you really don’t want to have sex with him and he does, it’s up to you to end the relationship, but after spending four months as a tease you should probably at least give him a happy ending if you ever want to date again.



I am very fond of pornography, but someone told me that viewing images like that devalues females. What should I do?

Tony C


Pornography provides a way for many young girls to earn the kind of money that they could not make as a waitress, or schoolteacher, or corporate attorney. Rather than devaluing females, it is one of the only industries that constantly pays women more than men. If you want more information, check of the June 3rd edition of Backdoor Sluts.



Should I save sex until marriage?

Rose M


This is a mistake many girls often make. You should have sex until marriage. The kind of men who are fun in the sack are rarely good providers. So go out and bang some bikers or ex cons. You will have plenty of time to have no sex after you are married.



Bush Sings to Raise Approval Rating

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

(SNN Washington) President Bush said yesterday that he has made the nation safer but warned that it remains threatened by terror. The President then instituted a national program of show tunes.

President Bush sings selections from Man of La Mancha.

Bush announced the plan at the National Counterterrorism Center. "America is safer than it has been. But it's not yet safe," Bush said during a break in five hours of singing at the center. "The terrorists hate our singing."

"The enemy has got an advantage when it comes to attacking our homeland. They sing all the time. They have those crazy prayer services and they are always like, ' humina humina chinneny chinneny walla walla ding dong,'" Bush said before leaping into an hour long medley of selections from Man of La Mancha.

However, former President Clinton said Republicans have been "trying to play politics" by suggesting that terrorists only hate us for show tunes. Furthermore, Sen. Harry Reid pointed out that after five years the government has yet to come up with a song to capture Osama bin Laden.

The President's doctors have proclaimed him the healthiest singer ever to sit in the Oval Office. Despite this bold new initiative, the President's approval ratings continue to decline. Some pundits have suggested that Mr. Bush try selections from Phantom of the Opera, or at least the mask.


Editor's Note: Up Yours Connecticut

Monday, August 14, 2006

It's amazing how one week can change your life view. Last week, I left for Iraq to stage a counter protest against anti-American Iraqi naysayers. Today I return to you with a whole new view of Iraq.

It all started when I was walking through the Green Zone with my Marine escort. I was explaining to the young men that they were drastically overpaid for getting to work in such a nice safe place, when we were somehow separated. I ended up wandering into a not green zone.

I was then picked up by some of the new Iraqi police. Once they found out that I was an American, and willing to pay for my safety, they immediately warmed up to me. I then went on a tour of the "Real" Baghdad. Baghdad is a conservative wonderland: no young girls dressed like Britney Spears, no big government wasting money on things like utilities, and no gun control. I even got to participate in the stoning of a wanton woman.

But let's turn away from the good Christian people of Iraq and turn to the heathen al-Qaeda supporting region of Connecticut. While I was gone, Connecticut voted to throw out Holy Joe Lieberman and replace him with a liberal pansy named Ned Lamont.

Connecticut, nominating Ned Lamont sends a clear message to the terrorists: "Come to Connecticut and let us rub hot oil on your aching terrorist shoulders." But I'm not going to blame you for your past mistakes. All you need to do is re-elect Joe Lieberman and tell those terrorists, "You'll find no happy endings in this state."

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Editor’s Note: Fighting the War on the War on The War on Terror

Friday, August 04, 2006

As many of you may have read, there was a massive demonstration in Iraq today with hundreds of thousands of people chanting death to America. Now I can put up with a lot from the Middle East, but this is going too far.

How dare the Iraqi people criticize our foreign policy at a time when they are currently benefiting so greatly from that very policy? And to suggest that the United States is somehow in league with Israel is crazy.

That is why I am heading to Iraq to stage a counter protest. I am going to get a sign saying “America is Great and Freedom isn’t Free” and I am going to carry it all though Baghdad. Of course when I say all through Baghdad, I will be keeping to portions of the Green Zone outside of sniper range. It’s not that I am afraid, it’s just that I am too important to the world to be so cavalier about my safety. And look it up, we got the word chevalier from the French.

So if you don’t hear from me for awhile, don’t be worried. I have it on good authority that Iraq is safer than Washington, D.C.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


News Stories about Mel Gibson up 45%

Thursday, August 03, 2006

(SNN Akron) Many have noticed a preponderance of stories about Mel Gibson and his drunken anti-Semitism. But some people have said that the news media has gone too far in its mocking of Mel Gibson.

In this picture, Gibson is...
Taking a dump?

Gibson has a history of alcohol problems. The Gibson martini, invented by Walter D. K. Gibson in 1898, is named after him. He has played an alcoholic in many films. Due to a drunken driving incident in Toronto, Gibson lost his Canada privileges for three months, which put an end to his sex tourism vacation. Despite his history, it is still hard to criticize someone who survived in a post apocalyptic future.

Many theories have been advanced as to why Gibson is getting so much press. Some say it is because of bloodthirsty Americans wishing harm on a successful person. Others say it is the media showing it liberal bias. The most popular theory amongst Gibson supporters is that it is because the media is entirely controlled by Jews.

Some news agencies have actually started 24 hour news stations just so that can talk about Mel Gibson. Even Google is against Mel Gibson. A Google search for "Mel Gibson crazy" returns 3,150,000 results. Pundit Arianna Huffington has written about Mel Gibson 157 times in the past four days.

And if that is not enough proof, the very article you are reading is about Mel Gibson.


Japan to man Moon by 2030

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

(SNN Tokyo) The Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA) has revealed a plan to build a moon base at an international conference in Tokyo.

Under the plan, astronauts will be sent to the moon by around 2020 to start construction of the base. JAXA may start as early as next year.

JAXA is hoping to leverage Japan's success in giant robots to aid the mission. While the US led the robotics field early on by showing superiority with talking cars driven by men who did not exist, Japan has been quietly moving forward. Kept secret until recently because of Japan's constitution banning armed forces, some of Japan's "mecha" can reach sub-orbital range already.

A spokesman for JAXA confirmed that they are planning to push robotics technology even further. "Exploring a frontier is always a mission of science. In addition, space programs have the potential to create cutting-edge technologies, particularly in the field of robotics."

The European Space Agency plans a human flight to the moon in 2020 and China and India are preparing unmanned missions in the next two years. However, only Japan has announced plans to build a more permanent structure.

Once the base has been built it will be manned by a demure teenage boy and a large chested young woman, who will serve as his maid, teacher, and main love interest for at least 13 episodes.


Schwarzenegger and Blair snuggle, will star in Terminator 4

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

(SNN Long Beach) Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tony Blair met at a global warming summit in California. The veteran actor was quite taken with Mr. Schwarzenegger.

Schwarzenegger and Blair snuggle

Things started hot and stayed hot. Schwarzenegger, with an obvious romantic interest in Blair, offered Blair a job as a co-star in Terminator 4. Schwarzenegger then asked Blair if he wanted to snuggle.

Blair laughed, and said: "That's the best offer I've had. Actually, sadly, it's the only offer I've had."

The action duo also announced that they were going to join together to fight global warming. Blair favors some sort of international effort to stop pollution, while Schwarzenegger wants to blow it up. Many have rated these strategies as evenly effective.

Blair has said he will not stand for office in Britain's next general election, which is due before 2010 at the latest. But Schwarzenegger has made it clear that Blair will always have a place in his bed.