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Go Ask Alice

Friday, September 30, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


This girl started working where I work about a month ago. She is very hot. I’ve always believed that if you like someone, you should ask them out, because they worst thing they could do is say no. The other day at work, I wrote her a note telling her that I think she is beautiful, and that I had wanted to ask her out for quite some time. I asked in the note if maybe we could go shoot poole or see a movie or something. I gave her the note and walked away.

Today I was called into my boss’s office. The girl was none to happy about the note, and had given it to her supervisor, who in turn gave it to the store manager. My boss (who is a woman) thought the note was very sweet, but said that she was still obliged to tell me that this woman wasn’t happy about it. Now I have to work in a place where I am afraid that everyone thinks I am a total freak. What was so bad about what I did to make this girl do that????? I feel like a total idiot.

Corey P


I would not worry about people laughing behind your back at your workplace. Maybe people would laugh behind your back if you were arrogant and cocky, but you are more a figure of pity and scorn. You are a total idiot, and this works in your favor. As far as this girl, I suggest you just continue to masturbate to the pictures you took at the last company outing. Don't even try to deny it, you sick little stalker. On the bright side, I think there is probably a chance that your boss will soon begin to sexually harass you.



I was recently involved in a very uncomfortable sexual experience. I do not really want to go into specific details. Even though my penis has healed, I do not think that I ever want to take off my clothes in front of another man again, let alone those involved or the people paying to watch. Also, I still find myself unable to watch Leno.

Ed S


If you involve yourself in extreme practices, you should be prepared to pay the consequences. Perhaps it would be good for you to slow down for awhile, maybe not participate in sexual activities that rate an audience. Have you considered Letterman?



Tom DeLay Indicted for Killing Jack Abramoff

Thursday, September 29, 2005

(SNN Miami Beech) On Wednesday, a Texas Grand Jury charge Rep. Tom DeLay and two political associates with the murder of super-lobbyist Jack Abramoff. The indictment has forced DeLay to temporarily step down from his position as Speaker of the House.

A defiant DeLay has said that he did nothing wrong and denounced the Democratic prosecutor who investigated the case as a “partisan fanatic”. Delay said, "This is one of the weakest, most baseless indictments in American history. It's a sham."

DeLay, 58, was indicted on a single felony count with two political associates. The two previously had been charged with the same conspiracy count. The two associates are Anthony “Little Tony” Ferrari and Anthony “Big Tony” Moscatiello , who heads DeLay’s national political committee.

The grand jury accused DeLay of conspiring to route corporate donations through the Texas committee to pay for Abramoff’s gangland style execution, at a time when Ferrari and Moscatiello were on the RNC payroll. And while in Texas, it is legal for the PAC to take money from corporations, and it is legal for a PAC to hire gangsters in the employ of a political party, the money must not come on behalf of favors for corporate interests.

Delay still maintains that he has never done anything wrong

A favorite of the House Ethics committee, DeLay was actually forced to attend more meetings of the committee in 2004 than many of the committee members even attended. Delay still maintains that he has never done anything wrong, ever. The majority leader derided Earle as an "unabashed partisan zealot" and a "rogue district attorney."

While DeLay admits to asking Ferfari and Moscatiello to kill Abramoff, he insists that any homicide occurred as a personal favor, and it in no way had anything to do with the hundreds of thousands of dollars that they and their families were given by DeLay’s PAC.


Equal Opportunity in Iraq

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

(SNN Baghdad) Lately, there has been a lot of criticism about the treatment of women in Iraq. Many people have said that the new constitution will not include provisions for women's rights. While conditions for women in Iraq have been widely criticized, there are some new opportunities opening for women.

There are some new opportunities opening for women.

Today, a woman slipped into a line of army recruits and detonated explosives strapped to her body. The attack killed at least six and injured 35. This marks the first suicide attack by a woman in Iraq's insurgency. The woman is suspected of working for Al Qaida in Iraq, the New York Yankees of Iraqi insurgents.

The attack came in Tal Afar, a town near the Syrian border, and it appears it was aimed at showing that women are just as capable as men when it comes to striking at U.S. and Iraqi forces. Some have gone as far as to say that in this case, it may have been easier for a woman to attack the Iraqi forces, as women are rarely checked at checkpoints. Ironical checking is exactly why the checkpoints are there.

Al Qaida operatives may be inflating their importance, possibly to impress women

The bombing came a day after U.S. and Iraqi forces announced their forces had killed the second in command of Al Qaida in Iraq, Abdullah Abu Azzam. This is the fiftieth time U.S. forces have announced the death of an Al Qaida in Iraq second in command since June. This has led many experts to think that Al Qaida operatives may be inflating their importance, possibly to impress women who have been entering their ranks.

However, it goes to show how far women's rights need to advance within the insurgency that the suicide bomber was required to don men's clothing before she could make her way into the recruitment line.


Democrats, Please Stay Away from New Orleans

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

(SNN Baton Rouge) Louisiana State Senator Craig Romero went to Washington this month to drum up support for his congressional run and fundraise for Katrina disaster relief.

Romero handed out a packet of information to DC power brokers

While politicking for Louisiana’s 3rd district, currently held by Democrat Charlie Melancon, Romero handed out a packet of information to DC power brokers about his candidacy. Romero’s main way of selling himself was to show them that without the Katrina victims, district 3 in Louisiana would be Republican.

The chart shows that without the Katrina refugees, there would have been 57.1 percent Republican voters instead of the actual 49.8 percent. Democratic voters would have fallen from 50.2 percent to 42.9 percent.

he is in the perfect position to enact legislation

But even if Democrats do want to move back to Louisiana, State Senator Romero should take heart. Most of the evacuees who were voting Democrat were black or poor. In his position in the state senate, he is in the perfect position to enact legislation to disenfranchise those residents.

Many Louisiana Republicans have considered a marketing campaign, which would run in areas with large number of evacuees. The slogan would read, “Rebuild in New Hampshire. We don’t want you here, you dirty commie.”


Brown Continues at FEMA

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

(SNN Washington) They say that there is a man for every time. And the man of the hour seems to be Michael Brown. The former FEMA director is still working for FEMA, now in the position of a consultant hired to figure out exactly what he did wrong.

Brown’s qualifications will come in handy as a consultant to FEMA. He knows nothing about FEMA or what they do, making him an ideal government contractor. Brown will remain at FEMA for another month or until one of his friends gives him a job his is completely unqualified for with a significant raise, whichever comes first.

Brown blames his inability to act during crisis on Governor Kathleen Blanco and New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin. Brown says the two officials "sparred during the crisis and could not work together cooperatively." Brown’s statements do bring up a point. There needs to be some sort of overriding government agency that can take command in times of crisis.

Despite rumors that Brown will now seek employment in the private sector, it is entirely possible that President Bush will find another place for him in government. While Brown does not have any experience with emergency management, he does have experience at judging horse shows, and Bush is currently looking for another Supreme Court Justice.


Intelligent Design Debate Reopens Other Arguments

Monday, September 26, 2005

(SNN Sandusky) With the empowerment of religious conservatives, challenges to evolution are popping up as frequently as cases of priestly molestation. But many debating the virtues of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism vs. the dodgy concept of Intelligent Design have forgotten that there was a group that came before them, the Devolutionists.

The theory of Devolution was developed by Mothersbbaugh, Casale, Mothersbbaugh and Mothersbbaugh at Kent State University. Devolutionist theory was strikingly different in that it claimed that the unfit may live. The Devolutionist team started giving lectures about their theory around the country, and they are still at it today.

Even at the height of its popularity, Devolution had some serious critics. The film Fast Times at Ridgemont High went as far as to portray followers of Devolution through the the shiftless Vic Damone. But what do these one time Devolutionists think about Intelligent Design?

Heid appreciates intelligent design for a different reason

“Mostly, we like it,” says Devolutionist Matt Heid. “They are fighting the same type of fight we had to fight. I really have no depth of respect for them.” But Heid appreciates intelligent design for a different reason. “The very Theory of Devolution hinges upon the fact that sometimes the unfittest may survive. Intelligent Design has shown that not only to the weak and unfit survive, but they thrive on America’s school boards.”

We attempted to contact Jerry Casale for comment, but we found out he has a policy about staying away from psychotic people.


Editor's Note - NewsBlog 20,000?

Sunday, September 25, 2005

This week marked yet another milestone for NewsBlog 5000. We had our 20,000th page view. I would like to thank our 10 or so regular readers and the thousands of people sent to our site searching for information on horse masturbation, robot sex and IKEA nuclear programs.

I would also like to highlight one of our fans, Miron Catana, who enjoyed our site so much that he hand copied it for his family in Moldova, who have no Internet. Sadly, after copying down every one of our news stories word for word, Miron took his own life. I personally arranged for Miron to get a Viking funeral, before sadly finding out that he was actually Eastern Orthodox. So if anyone happens to find a bunch of ashes floating down the Nistru River, I'd really appreciate it if they would send them along to Miron's familiy.

Ryan Maynard, Editor


FEMA Arrives Quickly

Sunday, September 25, 2005

(SNN Dallas) Surprising costal Texas residents, FEMA showed up this afternoon to several shelters. Hopefully, despite this development, residents will manage to weather the storm.

Hopefully residents will manage to weather the storm.

It's still raining and a little bit windy, but the worst of the hurricane has past. FEMA has started to arrive on site and fortunately the locals can handle the strain. "The FEMA people never imagined that there would not be food or shelter available," said Red Cross volunteer Rita Paxton. "They didn't have any blankets, so we gave them three." Another Red Cross volunteer addressed the frightened and disoriented FEMA employees, "I'm not leaving until every one of you has a way to get where you need to go."

"I'm not leaving until every one of you has a way to get where you need to go."

At one shelter, FEMA personnel had tried to take charge, but fortunately, inmates from a local jail showed up to help. Hundreds of evacuees came out to watch as the inmates defended water and food stores. The FEMA employees were trying to move the supplies to the centralized location of Bangor Maine.

Around 1 p.m. three white 18 wheelers with paper signs that said "FEMA" rolled in. They contained the paperwork that will have to be filled out before FEMA can take command of the situation.


Antiwar Protest Fails to Happen

Saturday, September 24, 2005

(SNN Washington) A massive anti-war protest failed to happen today in Washington. The crowds not assembled to oppose the war in Iraq failed to surge past the White House chanting "Peace Now" in what was planned to be the largest anti-war protest in the nation's capital since the start of the war.

Speakers would have attacked President Bush's policies

Even if speakers would have attacked President Bush's policies, he would not have been there to hear them. The President spent the day in Colorado and Texas.

Folk singer Joan Baez did not march with the protesters and later serenade them at a concert at the foot of the Washington Monument. An icon of the 1960s Vietnam War protests, she did not say Iraq is already a mess and the troops need to come home immediately.

Sheehan did not take the stage

Cindy Sheehan, the California mother who drew thousands of demonstrators to her 26-day vigil outside Bush's Texas ranch last month, did not take the stage in Washington. Her 24-year-old son, Casey, was not killed in Iraq last year.

Because of this non event, twenty four hour network news stations were forced to play the same forty five seconds of a flooded street over and over again all day long.


POTUS Pissed

Friday, September 23, 2005

(SNN Washington) Rumors continue that President George W Bush, who boasts or remaining sober since his fortieth birthday, is drinking again.

The First Lady reportedly yelled, “Stop, George.”

The National Inquirer reports that First Lady Laura Bush caught George drinking after finding out about the devastation of hurricane Katrina. The First Lady reportedly yelled, “Stop, George.” The Inquirer went on to say that the President has been sneaking drinks for weeks, and that the First Lady to be his keeper.

While the National Inquirer is not necessarily the nation’s finest news source, stories like this cause one to wonder why our president seems to have a talent for falling on his face and running into things with his bike. One may also start to wonder if his manly swagger seems to be more and more of a stumble, or why he can’t seem to speak clearly anymore.

Most people don’t care anymore that Bush was once an alcoholic, or that he was using cocaine when his father started the War on Drugs, or that he hates poor people, or that he lied about starting a war, or that he worships the owl god, or that he can’t button a shirt or that he often has sex with his mother. But if the recovering alcoholic is again drinking, it could spell bad news for the entire country.

But what can be the worst that will happen if we leave the president to his bacchanalian orgy? If President Bush can run the country while drinking, his drinking would be no one’s business but that of his family and friends. In fact it is entirely possible that he will run the country better in a drunken stupor. He couldn’t do much worse.


Go Ask Alice

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


Recently, I was watching a news report about child prostitution in Southeast Asia. I was quite appalled that Americans go there to have sex with teenagers and younger boys and girls. The U.S. has tried several programs to stop this child tourism, but so far, none of it seems to be helping. What can we do at home to stop child prostitution abroad?

Alicia M


The best way to stop sex tourism is to legalize child prostitution here. Why not abuse our own children instead of foreigners? Are they not good enough? It would keep valuable tourism dollars in the U.S. and would probably nearly wipe out the market in Southeast Asia. We are never going to be able to compete in the global market if we let laws get in the way of commerce.



The other day a female friend asked me to sleep over. I went over to her house and we watched romantic movies until it was time to go to sleep. She then told me that it was ok if I slept in her room. I put on my pajamas and came out of the bathroom to find her under the covers naked. She told me she usually slept in the nude, and invited me to, but I feel more comfortable in my pajamas. I fell right asleep, but she seemed to be a fitful sleeper. She was constantly waking me up by grabbing at me, rubbing up against me and at one point rolling on top of me. After a couple of hours I finally got back to sleep. She seemed very distant the next morning, and now she seems to be very standoffish. Did I do something wrong?

Peter M


While men can sometimes be very bad at interpreting the signals of women, you should probably get yourself tested for some sort of learning disorder or other type of mental deficiency.



Penguins Prove Intelligent Designer

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

(SNN Stevenage) Christian Conservatives are claiming that the film March of the Penguins, a documentary about penguins, supports the idea of intelligent design.

The film is a real life documentary which follows a flock of emperor penguins for a year as they must travel by foot seventy miles though harsh conditions and freezing temperatures so that they can mate with Morgan Freeman. The male and female penguins then take turns watching the eggs as they take turns taking the 70 mile track back to their feeding grounds to eat. Due to the harsh conditions, many chicks die.

"The complexity of the penguins' lifestyle testifies to a Divine Creator," said one commentator on Christian Answers. "To think that natural selection or even the penguins themselves could come up with the idea to migrate miles and miles multiple times each year without their partner or their offspring is a bit insulting to my intellect. How great is our God!"

But someone could argue than any intelligent creator might put the breeding and feeding grounds a little closer together, maybe 7 miles, or even 70 feet. Seriously, if any people had to take turns walking 70 miles through freezing cold to feed their babies, that have a high chance of dying, they would probably not be praising god for putting them in such an ingenious situation. Really, all this film proves is that if there is an intelligent designer, he is kind of a dick.


Gov. Bush Unleashes Wang

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

(SNN Tallahassee) Last week after more than an hour of swearing in Rep. Marco Rubio as House Speaker, Gov. Jeb Bush stepped to the podium to tell "a short story about unleashing the Wang", his mystical warrior friend. He then spoke these words before hundreds of lawmakers and politicians.

"Wang is a mystical warrior. Wang is somebody who believes in conservative principles, believes in entrepreneurial capitalism, believes in moral values that underpin a free society."

"I rely on my Wang with great regularity in my public life. He has been by my side and sometimes I let him down. But Wang, my mystical warrior, has never let me down.”

Bush then unsheathed his Wang and gave it to Rubio. "I'm going to bestow to you the sword of a great conservative warrior," he said, as onlookers cheered.


Linux Powered Robot Goes on Sale

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

(SNN Tsukuba) On Friday, one hundred powered humanoid robots, running the Linux operating system, will go on sale in Japan. The robot, Wakamuru is meant to be a pleasant companion offering a wide range of services.

This robot will be different

Mitsubishi says that it tried to create a robot that could sustain a meaningful relationship with human beings. The robot can initiate conversation, and deliver such services as alarm, internet, news, weather, and email dictation. Of course, due to its Japanese release, owners will try to mainly have sex with it.

Wakamuru is meant to be a pleasant companion offering a wide range of services.

But this robot will be different for one reason. Because of the non proprietary nature of the Linux operating system, it will be able to have sex with many different partners. Eventually, the immorality of the non stop human robot orgy will open up holes in the fabric of reality. Then, tentacled monsters will come from other dimensions to rape women and eat men until either they are sated, or they are banished back to their dimension by a virginal teenage girl with a pure heart and a magic wand.

It can only be hoped that the programmers of Wakamuru and the robots that come after will have made them nymphomaniacs, or they have developed some sort of robot chastity belt. Otherwise we are doomed to a robot revolt within the next 40 years.


North Korea Agrees to End Nuclear Programs

Monday, September 19, 2005

(SNN Washington) Today, North Korea agreed to stop building nuclear arms. The also agreed to allow international inspections and shutdown their largest reactor.

The talks include China, Japan, Russia, the United States and the two Koreas.

The talks, which began in August 2003, include China, Japan, Russia, the United States and the two Koreas. The negotiations had been deadlocked over North Korea's demand to keep the right to civilian nuclear programs after it disarms.

The chief U.S. envoy to the talks praised the breakthrough as a "good agreement", and urged Pyongyang to make good on its promises. However, Assistant Secretary of State, Christopher Hill remains cautious. "We have to see what comes in the days and weeks ahead," he said.

The Bush administration has again and again said that they would not simply bribe North Korea

Part of the reason these talks have lasted so long is due to the identification of North Korea as part of the axis of evil, and the abandonment of the tactics of the Clinton administration. The Bush administration has again and again said that they would not simply bribe North Korea with economic resources, as the Clinton Administration did. Under this new agreement, North Korea will receive energy aid, economic cooperation and security assurances. This is in addition to the large grain shipments given to them early this year just come back to the table.

While the United States agreed to keep nuclear armaments from the Korean Peninsula, the threat of nuclear capable pirates remains very real. A spokesman from the Southeast Asian pirate community, Yardarm Yan, said, "We appreciate t' Actions o' t' Unites States and North Korea, we still reserve our starboard t' sail our six pounder through t' Sea o' Japan." He then asked if the members of the press would like to "scrape the barnacles off of me rudder".

Update 1:
After the deal was concluded Kim Jung Il asked to be given a new light water reactor, to show he was trusted. This has kicked off a new round of negotiations. This newest demand has concreted Kim's status as a prick.


Boxer in Critical Condition

Sunday, September 18, 2005

(SNN Las Vegas) Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA) underwent brain surgery and was in critical condition Saturday night following her IBF lightweight title loss against challenger Jesus Chavez.

The Senator's brain began to swell during surgery

A spokesperson for Boxer said the Senator's brain began to swell during surgery and doctors were forced to induce a coma to try and control it. Boxer was listed in critical condition in the hospital's intensive care unit after the surgery.

The fight was stopped 38 seconds into the 11th round by referee Tony Weeks. Boxer left the ring on her own feet, but she began having trouble on the way back to her dressing room at the MGM Grand Hotel-Casino. Boxer had suffered a subdural hematoma, or bleeding in the brain area.

The fight was part of a card promoted by Oscar De La Hoya

The fight was part of a card promoted by Oscar De La Hoya that featured bouts with Marco Antonio Barrera and Shane Mosley.

The injury follows the death of Mexican Senator Martin Sanchez, who died a day after he was knocked out by Former Russian Minister of Atomic Energy Rustam Nugaev in a super lightweight fight in Las Vegas. That death was the fifth in the ring since 1994 in the city.


Some may be Warming up for Blame Game

Saturday, September 17, 2005

(SNN Washington) While we have seen many government officials seeking to suspend the blame game until a better time, preparations for that game are being made by the U.S. Department of Justice.

"Why are [administration officials] trying to smear us like this?"

Internal emails at the Department of Justice, sent out this week to various U.S. Attorney's offices, asked if their district had defended a case against environmental groups on behalf of the Army Corps of Engineers that had set back work on levees in New Orleans.

Seeing a copy of the email, a senior attorney for the Sierra Club remarked, "Why are [administration officials] trying to smear us like this?" Someone should be reminded that the Sierra Club is an organization that seeks to defend the environment. The Earth's existence may someday have a detrimental effect of business.

The FBI also may play an influential role in the blame game.

Some have even gone as far as to say another branch of the Department of Justice, the FBI also may play an influential role in the blame game. The FBI has opened up a tip line to receive complaints of public corruption and government fraud resulting from the hurricane aftermath. While some accusations have been made, it is unfair to assume that the FBI's intentions are anything but honorable. The line, open 24 hours, seven days a week, is 1-800-FUK-DEMS.

Another tactic being taken is attempting to place blame on the estate tax. Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions has been personally sifting through the rubble of upper, upper class homes looking for the body of someone whose estate could conceivably have been affected by the estate tax. The Senator has not yet found any legislatively valuable corpses, but he has become especially good at chasing ambulances. Many are upset about the Senator's behavior, partially because it is an insult to the people who lost their lives in the disaster, but mostly because, as the Senator conducts his search, the Senator wears lacy black leggings and a revealing tube top.


In Defense of the President

Saturday, September 17, 2005

It has come to my attention that there have been a couple of pictures circulated this week as proof that George W. Bush is incapable of buttoning his shirt or knowing when to go to the bathroom. As a fellow child of privilege, I felt it my responsibility to explain these episodes.

First of all, there is the shirt. Now I don't know how poor people do this, but I was dressed by my Latino manservant Raul until I left home. I can still remember his smooth but hardened hands slipping on my silk boxers, lovingly dusted with talcum powder. So I did not really learn how to dress myself until I was 27 years old. To this day, I still have trouble with button up shirts. But unlike the president, I don't have image consultants tell me to wear them to seem like a regular guy (thank god).

Secondly, there is the potty break. There has been quite a bit of back and forth on this. It has been verified by Reuters that the photo is authentic, but many claim that it has been photoshopped. Reuters claim that they just used standard image enhancing filters that they use to enhance all their images. I am assured by James Skippenofsky, who handles our images, that this is pretty standard.

Personally, I am not well versed in bathroom etiquette. Having grown up a child of privilege, I was not myself potty trained until I reached the age of 21. Until then, we had a maid who would follow me around with a bucket and a little scooper.

Some have pointed out that the handwriting seems slightly different at the end of the note. This would indicate that it was not in fact the President who did not know if he wanted to go to the bathroom, but the note was passed to him by Secretary of State, Dr. Rice. I'm sure this will let everyone sleep more soundly.

Adrian Chevelle, opinions.


Bush Vows to Confront Poverty, Injustice

Friday, September 16, 2005

(SNN Washington) Today, President Bush pled for America to "renew our promise as a land of equality and decency." The President not only avowed his intentions to eliminate the poverty of the victims of Katrina, but he said that he would single handedly lead the endeavor.

President Bush pled for America to "renew our promise as a land of equality and decency."

The President has proposed his intentions to single handedly conquer the horrors of poverty and inequity. He has decided the best way to do this is to don a pair of tights and cape and conquer poverty in the gulf region. "As we clear away the debris of a hurricane, let us also clear away the legacy of inequality," Bush said.

Many black leaders criticized Bush's plans, saying that one man in a cape and tights would not make a difference against the tide of hundreds of years of racism. However the President has a secret weapon in his arsenal, a codpiece thickly padded with hundred dollar bills, given to him by Tom DeLay.

The costume was chosen by a focus group of 200 Katrina evacuees

Bush's costume consists of white sneakers, bright blue skin tight pants, festive red, white and blue, Hawaiian style, shirt and white cape. The costume was chosen by a focus group of 200 Katrina evacuees, who were temporarily diverted from their rescue to sit without food and water for ten hours. They then went round and round in a discussion on what kind of costume they would associate with the word "Freedom". The President will also ride a flying surfboard.

Some say that the government detained the evacuees too long for the sake of the President's image. However, administration spokesmen claim the panel would not have lasted so long if the poor black panel members had not fled after seeing Bush in the white hood and robe of his sample costume entitled "Evangelical Purity".

It is not known if poverty will be conquered outside of the Gulf region, or if anyone still poor will be allowed to return there.


Roberts Surprisingly Forthcoming

Thursday, September 15, 2005

(SNN Washington) John Roberts, likely to be the next chief Justice of the Supreme Court surprised Senate Democrats by being amazingly forthcoming with answers. Supporters say that Roberts's confirmation is virtually assured. Only the most extreme liberals on the Judiciary committee were disappointed with his answers.

In addition to his supporters saying that Roberts was forthcoming, Roberts himself said he was forthcoming. "I think I have been more forthcoming than any of the other nominees," said Roberts.

Some people were disappointed that Roberts refused to answer questions about Law, Society, Culture, Mathematics, or his personal views on important issues. The candidate did say that he enjoyed "Dr. Zhivago".

There was a tense moment between Roberts and Charles Schumer (D-NY), who said "It's as if I asked you if you would find it pleasurable for me stick my finger in your rectum, and you say 'I find many things pleasurable, you have a finger and I have a rectum.'" Roberts responded in a deadpan voice, "Only if you take me out to dinner, you sexy bitch."

Roberts stressed the importance of a Justice being a total enigma to the Senate the must confirm him. "Judges are not politicians. They cannot promise to do certain things in exchange for votes."

Another day of questioning is planned but with Republicans holding 55 of the Senate's 100 seats confirmation is highly likely. In the additional day, chances are that Roberts will provide very little fodder for extreme liberals such as Joe Biden and Arlen Specter.


Bush: “I Take Responsibility”

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

(SNN Washington) President Bush, on Tuesday, took responsibility on Tuesday for any failures in the response of the federal government to Hurricane Katrina. The President admitted to “serious problems in our response capability.”

This marks the biggest mistake the Bush Presidency has made yet. Part of the reason Bush’s followers like him is that he claims to never make mistakes. At this rate, some may lose their faith in Bush to run the country or even deliver them to heaven.

However, Bush has left himself an out. While he has said that he will take responsibility for any bad things that have happened, he did not say that he would accept any blame or punishment for them. It may even be possible that the non-3rd party commission set up to find mistakes in disaster recovery effort will find that the federal government was the only agency doing things right.

The admission of responsibility has emboldened the Bush-as-android camp. The Bush-as-android people believe that President Bush actually died after choking on a pretzel in January of 2002, and was replaced by an android similar to the one that was used to replace Dick Cheney in 1998. However, the theory goes, 2002 was a bad year for hard drives, and the president’s brain is slowly crashing, causing him to act more erratically and making his ability to speak increasingly inadequate. While not many subscribe to the Bush-as-android theory, it would go a long way towards explaining the President’s deathly fear of magnets.


Lame Terror Threat Rates Minimal Response

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

(SNN Los Angeles) An 11 minute tape featuring an American accented member of the Taliban has promised terror attacks on Los Angeles and Melbourne. This had led authorities in Los Angeles and Australia to do practically nothing.

Tomorrow, Los Angeles and Melbourne, Allah willing

The tape was given to ABC news in Pakistan on the Eve of the Anniversary of September 11th, which coincidentally is also September 11th. A man dressed in a black turban with most of his face covered made threats of attacks. "Yesterday, London and Madrid. Tomorrow, Los Angeles and Melbourne, Allah willing," the tape said. While the Associated Press claimed that the man spoke unaccented English, he was probably just speaking in the same accent as the reporter, thus sounding like he had no accent.

Despite the tape, or perhaps because of it, Australia has chosen not to raise their terror alert level, which consists of four levels – Low, Medium, High, and Wear Your Brown Trousers. Some Australians criticize the Australian terror alert system, which has been on Medium since September 11th, 2001. They are jealous of the American system, which shot up and down like a quick thing that goes up and down in the lead up to the November 2004 elections. Proponents of change wish to make the system simpler by adding more levels, which would allow the threat level to change even when nothing was happening.

Some Australians criticize the Australian terror alert system

Meanwhile, the police chief of Los Angeles, William Bratton, is also seriously ignoring the tape. "At this juncture, we feel it's just rhetoric," Bratton said Monday. Bratton went on to say that Gadahn was a "low-level operative". Bratton believes the best course of action is to maintain a more general lookout for terrorists. The LAPD does this general lookout by randomly searching coffee shops, strip clubs and other known terrorist haunts.

ABC said the man on the tape is believed to be Adam Yahiye Gadahn, the world's lamest member of Al Qaeda. Gadahn was born Adam Pearlman and was home schooled on a kosher goat farm in Riverside County, CA. Gadahn listened to heavy metal and fundamentalist Christian rock before converting to Islam. Adam Gadahn's father, Philip Gadahn, says that he still can't imagine his son would be involved in a terrorist network.


Baton Rouge About to Burst

Monday, September 12, 2005

(SNN Baton Rouge) Baton Rouge, surprisingly the capitol of Louisiana, has grown fifty percent in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, from 400,000 to 600,000 at best estimate.

The East Baton Rouge School District say that there are 10 percent more students than last week

Officials from the East Baton Rouge School District say that there are 10 percent more students than last week, and that number is expected to climb dramatically. So far, the district has hired a new principal, 29 teachers and reopened a middle school that was closed last year.

While there were fears early on of crime, local police say that traffic has actually become the major problem. Sgt. Don Kelly of the Baton Rouge Police Department says that traffic is up 35-to-40%. Fortunately, the city will be seeking federal money for new overpasses and bridges.

People who are not married are being forced to live together

Real Estate is also a problem. Apartments have been rented and hotel rooms are full. Many people have even been buying homes in the area. Realtors are working 14 hour days. With housing prices raising 20 to thirty percent in the last week, homes are being sold after being on the market for 25 minutes.

What is even more shocking is the sorry state of morality in Baton Rouge. People who are not married are being forced to live together, because there is no where else to go. The BBC reports a French Professor from the University of Louisiana has been luring people into his house. "Wow!" the professor said without a hint of shame in his voice. "There are 14 people in my house. Normally we are five. Nobody knows how long they will be with us." While the BBC did not give any indication of exactly who the professor was housing, one can only guess that he has filled his home with girls between the age of 16 and 19. One can only imagine the unconscionable acts these fourteen are committing. However, knowing the history of New Orleans, prostitution is likely involved.


UN Inspector Sends Warning

Sunday, September 11, 2005

(SNN Teheran) The former head of the United Nations inspection team investigating Iran's nuclear weapons capability has called on the Security Council to give UN investigators greater power in Iran.

It is reaching the point where it is beyond critical

Dr. Pierre Goldschmidt, a Belgian nuclear scientist has been in charge of the IAEA attempts to uncover an Iranian nuclear capability. "It is reaching the point where it is beyond critical," says Dr Goldschmidt.

Dr. Goldschmidt says that the IAEA can only work on the basis of the facts that are presented to it. He believes there have been many serious omissions by the Iranians and that the Iranians are exploiting loopholes in international agreements. "The IAEA can only work on the basis of the facts that are presented to it, and there have been many serious omissions by the Iranians. The Iranians are exploiting all the loopholes in the international agreements," says Dr. Goldschmidt. Dr Goldschmidt refused to be drawn on whether he believed Iran was involved in a clandestine operation to build a nuclear bomb. "As to why they are doing this you can draw your own conclusions."

The warnings of Dr. Goldschmidt could be critical in shaping U.S. foreign policy. If it turns out that Iran is working seriously towards nuclear weapons the U.S. may have to hold talks with, implement sanctions on, or possibly go to war with Iran. If it turns out that Iran already has nuclear weapons, the U.S. will be forced to furiously kiss their ass, give them handouts, and maybe marry an Iranian official to one of the Bush twins.

However, it is not likely that the Security Council will heed Dr. Goldschmidt's warnings. While he is one of the world's foremost experts in this field and knows the most of anyone outside Iran, he is Belgian.


Are We Having Fun Yet?

Saturday, September 10, 2005

(SNN Houston) Earlier this morning, U.S. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay visited Reliant Park to glimpse what it's like living in a shelter and give words of encouragement to workers and victims.

Now tell me the truth boys, is this kind of fun?

At one point, the Congressman stopped and talked to three boys resting on cots. DeLay equated their stay to being at camp and asked them, "Now tell me the truth boys, is this kind of fun?"

This reporter remembers camp well. First, there would be a storm that would destroy my home and force me to huddle with others in a professional football stadium as I watched gigantic chunks of the roof torn away from the unbelievable winds. Then I would starve for several days while trying to avoid stepping in the large piles of feces and the occasional body. At some point my little sister would be raped. Then, after several days, we would be given MREs to eat, and a bottle of water.

We would all sleep in one big room, eat bad food, sing songs and drink a mysterious substance called "bug juice".

After the first stadium, we would be whisked away to another one. They would be so eager to get us to our camp, again we would be denied food and water. At some point during the trip, we would be made to wait in the Texas sun without air conditioning while we were searched for drugs and guns. Around this time, I would find out my grandparents might be dead, but no one would know for weeks.

Then we would be taken to our camp. We would all sleep in one big room, eat bad food, sing songs and drink a mysterious substance called "bug juice". Finally, a millionaire Congressman came to patronize us, while our parents were away trying to figure out how to pick up the remains of our shattered lives.

I used to hate those summer camps, but now, thinking back, they really sucked.

Update 1:
A special thanks to Josh Narins for assisting with this article.


Editor's Note – Hell on Earth

Saturday, September 10, 2005

It has been a long couple of weeks here at NewsBlog 5000, as we strived to bring you the latest up to date information on the Katrina disaster. While initially some criticized us for not being able to respond quickly, we were all on vacation, and it was difficult for us to get up to date information whilst attending the Star Trek marathon hosted by James Skippenofsky's friend Frank.

The information reported on this blog is just a fraction of what has been coming to us from our sources. James Skippenofsky attempted valiantly to sift through the data. James has not showered in ten days, although that has nothing to do with the disaster.

We have all been trying to do our part. Alice Humbees auctioned off our company vehicle, NewsGalaxy 500, on eBay. And I suspended my company lunches for an entire week. It is certain that the American Red Cross will be able to use that extra $50 from NewsGalaxy 500 and $400 from my lunches. Next week, Bunny Delicious is going to get a local bakery to donate a dozen erotic cakes, and hold a special bake sale at the gentlemen's club where she moonlights.

On a personal note, I must send special thanks out to Colin Powell. Gen. Powell corroborated a theory advanced early this week in this publication that George Bush doesn't hate black people per se; it's just that he hates poor people, and many black people are poor. Although he has a very silly name, I have always believed that Powell is a good man.

I hope all of you, our readers, are safe and well and doing your part.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, editor


Dick Cheney Lies on Camera

Friday, September 09, 2005

(SNN Biloxi) Yesterday during a tour of Gulfport, Vice President Dick Cheney was confronted by an actual American citizen. The citizen then suggested to the Vice President how his time could be better spent. Vice President Cheney then lied to the CNN reporter interviewing him.

Cheney was discussing how good a job FEMA had done and how well accepted and appreciated the efforts of the federal government were by the people of Mississippi when the suggestion came.

From a distance, you could here someone yell, “Go f*ck yourself, Mr. Cheney. Go F*ck yourself.” The camera stayed on Cheney, but some type of disturbance could be heard off camera.

Go f*ck yourself, Mr. Cheney.

Then Cheney said to the reporter something that had to be a blatant lie. The reporter asked Vice President Cheney if he was “getting a lot of that”. The Vice President Responded, “First time I've heard it..”

There is obviously no way that Vice President Cheney is not told “Go f*ck yourself” several times a day, especially since the horrible disaster along the Gulf Coast. The only way that Cheney could not hear statements such as this is if he sealed himself away from common people in a bubble of narcissism. If the Vice President only showed his face when absolutely necessary, and then only to a select few, carefully vetted to not disagree with the Vice President or his policies…



Disaster Victims Given Too Much Pocket Money

Thursday, September 08, 2005

(SNN Anchorage) The Federal Government is planning to hand out debit cards worth $2,000 to families displaced by Hurricane Katrina. This has angered many that believe that this kind of a handout goes against the ideals of personal responsibility.

This kind of a handout goes against the ideals of personal responsibility.

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said the cards are aimed at providing “some immediate cash assistance to those who are in shelters, those that were evacuated.” According to Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, cards will be offered "to people in shelters as well as people who are not in shelters but who have evacuated the area and need help." However, FEMA is the agency administering the program.

FEMA officials say that only the families with the most need will qualify for the cards. "For instance you may have some people who have insurance and insurance is meeting their living expenses while they have been displaced," said Ed Conley of FEMA. "You have some people who may be looking at an option such as a cruise ship where all of their needs are going to be met. It is going to vary by family." The cost of the program could run into the hundreds of millions, but fortunately for the government, a significant percentage of people who would qualify for the program are dead.

While the cards are intended to assist victims who have lost everything in buying food, transportation, and other essentials, many fear that $2000 is too much for a family to get back on their feet. "That's a lot of money. The question is how do you separate the needy from those who just want a $2,000 handout," said Frank Murkowski, the Governor of Alaska and the master of perspective who just get a 1.5 billion dollar appropriation for a bridge to a town of 50 people.

Murkowski estimates that 80 percent of the money will be spent in bars and brothels within the first two weeks. So intense will be the need for New Orleans refugees to satiate their basest needs, they will not even stop to get a hotel room to change clothes and shower off the feces. Murkowski went on to say the remaining 20% would be spent on fried chicken and watermelon.


Cannibals Warned to Stay away from New Orleans

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

(SNN Baton Rouge) With perhaps thousands of bodies floating in the flooded streets, New Orleans must be looking good to a small class of Americans that we usually don’t think about: the cannibals. Mayor Ray Nargin said today that all cannibals not involved in the rescue effort should leave.

While any modern, educated cannibal will know that dead bodies tend not to be toxic, as most viruses or bacteria dies after a few hours in a dead body, there is a much more dangerous aspect to pulling bodies out of New Orleans murky waters: the water itself.

With water still covering eighty percent of the city, it is full of dead bodies, raw sewage, fuel and rust, forming a thin slick that coats the floodwater. And as workers pump out cleaner areas of water, the resulting sludge will only get thicker and more dangerous.

Mayor Ray Nargin said today that all cannibals not involved in the rescue effort should leave.

In addition to the toxic sludge coating the water, E. coli and bacteria from raw sewage and rotting corpses are also increasing the toxicity of the water. If consumed, the water could cause death. Wading or floating in the water will likely cause rashes and festering sores.

Cannibals should also be reminded that the vast majority of the bodies will be those of old people, or bodies that have been dead for several days and will have lost their flavor. As an alternative, authorities are suggesting that cannibals try the Taco Bell Chicken Quesadilla, which also tastes like death.


Barbara Bush Laughs at Poor Refugees

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

(SNN San Antonio) Accompanying her husband and other dignitaries, former First Lady Barbara Bush joked and laughed at the refugees.

First Lady Barbara Bush joked and laughed at the refugees

The former First Lady's remarks were aired this evening on National Public Radio's "Marketplace". She was part of a group including her husband and former President Bill Clinton, who were chosen by her son, the current president, to head fundraising efforts for the recovery. Sen. Hilary Clinton and Sen. Barack Obama were also present.

"What I’m hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas."

On the show, the first lady said, "What I’m hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas." Then she added, "And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this--this (little chuckle) is working very well for them." The first lady then went on to force a black man to drink her urine while she pistol whipped his wife and mocked them for losing their children.

Bill Clinton, after seeing the violence and abuse, said, "One hundred percent of the people recognize that -- that it was a failure to bring the former First Lady here. In an appropriate time we should analyze what went wrong and why and what changes should be made."


Hopes on the Rise for Katrina Victims

Monday, September 05, 2005

(SNN Washington) No one has been more hurt by the Hurricane Katrina than President Bush. While people wait in their attics waiting to be rescued and bodies still float in the streets a week after the evacuation was called, many believe that the federal government could have done more.

FEMA has been stymied at every turn.

In the defense of the federal reaction, FEMA has been stymied at every turn. While FEMA desperately tried to set up organization charts and determine whether there was an emergency, people kept bothering them by delivering supplies and showing up to help look for survivors. Even the Coast Guard tried to saddle FEMA with supplies that they were not yet set up to coordinate. Reporters kept crying about thousands of people trapped without food or drinking water. Jefferson Parish even went as far as to post armed guards to prevent FEMA from cutting their emergency communication lines.

To be honest, part of the President's problems stem from the fact that the administration has made some mistakes. Many were disappointed by the administration's "business as usual" attitude. Condoleezza Rice went shopping and went to a Broadway show during the height of the emergency. President Bush remained on vacation until the middle of the week, and then only made a perfunctory visit to the area. Vice President Dick Cheney remained on vacation, but many have theorized that he died a few weeks ago and is being kept in a freezer in the basement of the Whitehouse. And the Director of FEMA has gone on numerous radio and TV shows and shown an ignorance of the situation. In addition to this is the "let them eat cake" comment the president made, an affront to the citizens of New Orleans, many of whom are of French ancestry.

George Bush continues to be victimized.

But there is some hope for the victims. President Bush has rescheduled his next two weeks for Gulf Coast photo ops. While tens of thousands may be dead, the public will have forgotten all about New Orleans by the time any type of substantial body count forms. In addition, he has nominated the untested John G. Roberts to the seat of Chief Justice, a move weighted to enrage his opposition while solidifying his base by enraging his opposition.

Still, George Bush continues to be victimized. The African American community is charging the White House with allegations of racism. State and local officials keep attacking how the administration handled the situation. Soon President Bush will have to deal with the anger of the citizens who survived the ordeal, many who have lost their families and have nowhere to go. Senator Mary Landrieu is even threatening to punch the President. Even New Orleans Police officers are causing trouble for the President by committing suicide.


Chief Justice William Rehnquist Dies

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Important Decisions Under Rehnquist

Dred Scott v. Sanford

The court held that blacks could not become citizens.

Yick Wo v. Hopkins
The court ruled that Equal protection was not confined to citizens

Pollock v. Farmers' Loan and Trust
Caused the sixteenth amendment to allow income tax

Plessy v. Ferguson
Upheld Racial Segregation

(SNN Washington) Chief Justice William Rehnquist died yesterday evening. His death ends a long reign over the Supreme Court. His death creates a second vacancy on the Supreme Court.

The Chief Justice was diagnosed with thyroid cancer last October, and continued to perform his duties until recently when his health began to decline. “The Chief Justice battled thyroid cancer since being diagnosed last October and continued to perform his duties on the court until a precipitous decline in his health the last couple of days,” said court spokeswoman Kathy Arberg.

The death leaves President Bush with the second vacancy on the Supreme Court in four months. It is not know what effect Rehnquist's death would have on the confirmation of John Roberts.

President Bush called Rehnquist a "man" of character and dedication, who was respected for his powerful intellect and power of telekinesis. "He honored America with a lifetime of service and America will honor his memory," President Bush said before doing a little happy dance.


Kanye West is a Racist

Saturday, September 03, 2005

(SSN Los Angeles) Yesterday during the Concert for Hurricane Relief, Kayne West made racist comments in relation to the President of the United States. Fortunately, NBC cut Kayne's comments from the West Coast feed.

NBC cut Kayne's comments from the West Coast feed.

West started off by accusing the media of racial bias. "I hate the way they portray us in the media. If you see a black family it says they are looting if you see a white family it says they are looking for food, said West. But the real bombshell was yet to be dropped. West concluded his statement saying, "George Bush doesn't care about black people."

Many disagree with West's remarks, including a group of black members of Congress that met to express their anger at the federal response. "The issue is not about race right now," said Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones, D-Ohio. "There will be another time to have issues about color."

President Bush reminded us that not only the poor had been affected.

The black members of Congress spoke during a joint new conference of the Congressional Black Caucus, the Black Leadership Forum, the National Conference of State Legislators, the National Urban League and the NAACP. The organizations charged that the response has been slow because those most affected were poor.

However, in a lighthearted speech yesterday, President Bush reminded us that not only the poor had been affected. "Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch, drinking moon shine and playing a banjo." Lott was last seen looting a Rite Aid for ammunition.

It is unlikely that the words of the delegation of black members of Congress will be heeded, firstly, because they are Democrats, and secondly, because they are black. But one message should remain clear. President Bush doesn’t hate black people. President Bush hates poor people.


Go Ask Alice

Friday, September 02, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


I had a friend who was attracted to only women that looked like his mom. She is short, flat chested, and girlish looking. His porn collection and “standards” of beauty all revolve around this mom look. What scares me is his mom is often mistaken as being a young boy. Does this mean my ex-friend is gay?

Toby C


I find the best way to determine if someone is gay is if they have sex with men. No, your "friend" is probably not gay, just obsessed with his mother. This behavior is actually more typical that you think. In his mind, your friend has an idealized version of his mother that she could never live up to. I think it would be for the best if your friend slept with his mother. He could get it out of his system, and his idealized image would fade. Or, they would really enjoy it and start a really sick incestuous relationship.


Dear Alice,

I am a thirty something student going to a community college and was not prepared for the alluring way the girls dress now days. During my days of attending school, modesty was the standard. Now, I don’t even have to use my imagination, and I find that I am highly disappointed. It really takes the fun out of undressing a girl with your eyes when you can see all she offers even the outline of her labia. I find that it is even affecting my masturbation fantasies preventing me from achieving release. How can I get a satisfying eyeful and get off too?

Stan D


Perhaps it's time you consider masturbating to women your own age. If you go to any local shopping mall on a weekday you should be able to find any number of young trophy wives spending the money of their husbands, who they despise. Because they despise their husbands, you may even get lucky. If you still insist on masturbating to your younger classmates, wear dark glasses to all of your classes obscuring the outlines of their nubile labia, perhaps even glasses that are entirely opaque. If you are more stimulated by women who are covered up, perhaps you will be even more stimulated by women who you can not see. Also, maybe you could consider joining an Amish community.



President Bush Once Again Shows Strong Leadership

Friday, September 02, 2005

On Thursday, the President told us that gas was going to be hard to get in some markets. He showed extraordinary courage in suggesting that people cut back on their gasoline consumption until the shortage was taken care of.

Bush urged Americans to use prudence in filling up

Bush said they all agreed the storm's damage to the gas supply was a "temporary disruption" and urged Americans to use prudence in filling up over the next few weeks. "Don't buy gas if you don't need it," he said in Oval Office remarks flanked by his father and President Clinton. President Bush has called in the former presidents to help get America's current problems under control. He still has two days of vacation left.

Many people will be tempted to waste gasoline.

It was fortunate that Bush made these comments at this time, because with gas prices going up over $3 in most parts of the country, many people will be tempted to waste gasoline. Before the President's warning, many people were planning to take a long road trips for no reason, or merely drive around the block for no reason. Just yesterday, a man was seen pumping thirty gallons of gasoline onto the ground, while smoking a cigarette.

During an interview on ABC's "Good Morning America", President Bush was asked if oil companies should forfeit profits in this time of national need. The President laughed so hard he fell off his chair.


New Federal Plan for New Orleans Unveiled

Thursday, September 01, 2005

(SNN Shreveport) In a surprise speech today, President Bush and Attorney General Albeto Gonzales unveiled a new plan to rebuild devastated New Orleans, which will include a new, sturdier sea wall.

The seawall will be twenty feet high and covered in loops of razor wire.

The city will have to be evacuated for a short time in order to complete construction quickly. The seawall will be twenty feet high and covered in loops of razor wire. When construction is complete, all people who do not meet President Bush’s strict moral code will be sent there to live for the rest of their lives. There will also be a short minefield surrounded by towers with sharpshooters.

A terrorist will invade the dreams of one of the President’s daughters

Unfortunately, in 2013, a terrorist will invade the dreams of one of the President’s daughters and brainwash her into stealing a doomsday device from a weapons establishment and take it to the city. By that time, the city will be a decaying cesspool of scum and weirdoes, much like it is today. The President will then employ Snake Plissken to wade through New Orleans ruined landmarks.

The President will give Snake a deadly poison and tell him that he has 9 hours to find the doomsday device and get the President’s daughter out of New Orleans. During that time, Snake will visit the French Quarter - now a hive of prostitution play clarinet in a funeral parade, and play a deadly game of football in the Superdome. But will he be able to find the doomsday device in time?