NewsBlog 5000
The finger on the invisible hand

An Excerpt from NewsBlog 4000 BBS, Aug. 8, 1981

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Editor's Note: Radio Star deserves Justice

They may look like clean cut young men, but they are Devo: a rock group that encourages people to “break your mamma's back”

Last week, something horrible happened. A cable television network known as “Music Television” or MTV was launched. They have promised that until the end of time, the only thing they will play on their station will be music videos. Immediately the news wire was awash with stories about this godless phenomenon.

I didn't read any of the articles about this godless channel, but just by glancing at them, I saw the same words again and again: Video killed the Radio Star. Furthermore, I saw repeated references to “Buggles”, which can only be some code word for homosexuality.

I'm not a big fan of the drug addicts that sing rock music, I'm a fan of Willie Nelson, a clean living Texan that would never do drugs. But one thing I know for sure is that even radio stars have a right to life, liberty and justice. I don't know what conditions this radio star died under, but one thing is clear: video is dangerous, and there should be some kind of investigation.

Now I am sure that this MTV will never get off the ground just a sure as I am that we will never have a women Supreme Court Justice, at least not as long as Ronald Reagan is in office. Enjoy it while you can, pinkos, it's never going to last.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 4000, BBS edition


Allen may have to Apologize for Apology

Friday, September 29, 2006

(SNN Richmond) Sen. George Allen was criticized today by the Sons of Confederate Veterans for admitting that some see they confederate flag as a racist symbol.

It is unfathomable that people could consider the Confederate flag a racist symbol.

Last month at a campaign stop with a predominately black audience, Allen explained his ownership of confederate flags. "What I was slow to appreciate and wish I had understood much sooner," Allen said, "is, for black Americans, an emblem of hate and terror, an emblem of intolerance and intimidation. And the same goes for burning crosses on people yards. I had no idea people found it offensive. I merely saw it as weed control."

But not everyone is happy with Sen. Allen admitting that some people may be intimidated by the flag. B. Frank Earnest Sr. of the Sons of the Confederacy would like an apology. "He's apologizing to others, certainly he should apologize to us as well.”

Earnest goes as far as to suggest that Allen might be trying to defuse some of the trouble he has gotten into for previous racist statements. "We're all aware, ourselves included, of the statements that got him into this. The infamous macaca statement. He's using our flag to wipe the muck from his shoes that he's now stepped in." And if there’s on thing that B. Frank Earnest Sr. knows about, it’s how to step in muck.

Allen has been criticized for hanging the confederate flag in his home. However, Allen has said that his confederate flag is merely part of a flag collection. Sometimes, he shows the Confederate flag, sometimes the flag of Indonesia, Latvia, or Portugal, but never Niger.


China still hates Japan after all these years

Thursday, September 28, 2006

(SNN Changchun) Chinese Internet surfers have denounced a video game designed by a Japanese company. In addition, they have demanded an apology for the game content.

The first incidents of Tentacle rape in Japan were reported 180 years ago.

The game, “Slaves of the Red Mansion”, has been described as “a lewd game that besmirches a treasure of Chinese literature” and “a desecration of Chinese culture.”

The game is based on “Dream of the Red Mansion” by Qing dyanasty author Cao Xueqin. It chronicles the decline of a noble family. Many regard it was the zenith of Chinese fiction or at least the Panasonic.

The Japanese game, like most Japanese games, features scantily clad girls bound by chains. In the game, the main character is sold as a sex slave to the Red Mansion. This has angered many Chinese people who consider the beloved literary character slandered.

Being that it is a Japanese game, it is amazing that the story's character is not forced to have sex with robots or demons. In the discerning and competitive Japanese market, a game that does not have at least one tentacle monster rape, it is unlikely to sell.


For the Love of God

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

(SNN The Ninth Circle of Hell) The man who released sex tapes of Paris Hilton and Colin Farrell has obtained a tape of Saved by the Bell star Dustin Diamond, who played the character “Screech”.

The tape starts with Diamond in the bathtub and is reported as being unbelievably graphic. Why? Seriously. Why?


Musgrave: Gay Marriage Most Important Issue

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Important issues facing America

Gay Marriage

Is Venezuelan gas better or worse than Saudi Gas?

Did Owens try to kill himself?

Will Season 3 of Lost be as boring as Season 2?

(SNN Carbondale) Today, Rep. Marilyn Musgrave identified the most important issue America faces in a post 9/11 world, gay marriage.

“I believe that when you're in a cultural war like this, you have to respond with equal and hopefully greater force if you want to win this battle. But this battle is the most important issue that we face today, and what an honor it has been to serve in the United States Congress and carry the Marriage Amendment,” said Musgrave.


Travelers will Smell better but not feel Safer

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Americans had to decide whether to pack their baggies with travel shampoo or other things.

(SNN New Haven) The Aug. 10 TSA ban on on liquids and gels was slightly relaxed today. Travelers were told they could have deodorant and shampoo in containers of less than three ounces. In addition passengers will be allowed to take liquids on the plane that were bought inside the TSA checkpoint, as long as they submit to a rectal examination.

According to TSA chief Kip Hawley, the FBI has determined that you can not blow up an airliner with an amount of liquid less than one quart. Therefore, all of the liquids must fit inside a clear plastic quart bag. This plan will work perfectly as long as two terrorists never travel on the same plane. It is not known if foreign travelers will be allowed liter bags.

The system hit a glitch when one man wrote “Kip Hurley is an Idiot” on his bag. After being detained for twenty five minutes, it was determined that the man's assessment was indeed correct. There had been some questions by TSA an law enforcement officials as to whether calling government officials incompetent was the equivalent of yelling 'Fire' in a crowded theater. However, others pointed out that if government incompetence could put our country in greater jeopardy, the country would have been consumed by a fiery ball of death instead of just losing two towers and the city of New Orleans.

Before making the announcement, Hawley invested heavily in S. C. Johnson and Son, Inc., the maker of Ziploc bags.


Jack Bauer Quote of the day:

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

As we cheer or laugh out loud at his daring exploits, however, one wonders what liberal Democrats of the ACLU variety would do to a real-life Jack Bauer?

My guess: Put him in Leavenworth for life. But President Palmer knew his value, because President Palmer knew the real world.

Pat Buchanan


Editor's Note: the Banned List

Monday, September 25, 2006

Many people have commented to me that our reader poll has not changed in quite a long time. There is a good reason for this. It's difficult for our readers to know what opinion to have before we have told them what to think about an issue.

Enter Toby Keith. The other day on the Colbert Report, Toby admitted to smoking marijuana with Willie Nelson. Colbert blamed Keith for the subsequent arrest of Nelson for possession of a pound and a half of marijuana. But I take a different issue with Keith.

As far as I am concerned, when you smoke marijuana, you are breaking the laws of the United States of America, and are an enemy of the state. That's right, when you smoke marijuana, you're smoking al-Qaeda.

Now I could make up some of lame boycott of Toby Keith's music, but I say hit him where it hurts. I say we stop eating at Toby Keith's I love this bar & grill. Assuming that each reader of NewsBlog 5000 does not eat at his restaurant every day, it will cost Keith $168,000 a year.

So congratulations to Toby Keith's I love this bar & grill, the first member of the exclusive NewsBlog 5000 banned list. May you all rot in hell, traitors.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Root of Racism Found

Friday, September 22, 2006

(SNN Fredrick) Today an organization calling themselves the National Black Republican Association released a radio ad in Maryland that claims to have found the root to all racism: Democrats.

"Democrats passed those black codes and Jim Crow laws. Democrats started the Ku Klux Klan."

"Democrats fought all civil rights legislation from the 1860s to the 1960s. Democrats released those vicious dogs and fire hoses on blacks."

"Democrats want us to accept same-sex marriages, teen abortions without a parent's consent and suing the Boy Scouts for saying 'God' in their pledge."

"Republicans freed us from slavery and put our right to vote in the constitution."

The ad also tells listeners about how Martin Luther King Jr. was a Republican because he was a real man.

However, not everyone believes in the legacy of Rev. King. Steve Klein, a senior researcher at the King Center says that King never endorsed candidates from either party. "I think it's highly inaccurate to say he was a Republican because there's really no evidence," Klein said. Apparently, Mr. Klein does not believe King is a “real man”.

In the future the group plans to tell the world how Republicans built the pyramids and saved the earth from an invasion of giant locusts, brought here by Democrats.


Skippy does Nothing

Thursday, September 21, 2006

This week for Skippy does it, I mostly sat on the couch and drank Tequila. Then I called my estranged wife and babbled incoherently into the telephone. Then Shin gave me a manicure.

Please come back to me Bunny, please. You can do what ever you want. Just please don't leave me and our little girl.

James Skippenofsky, Skippy Does it All


Turning the Corner in the War on Drugs

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

(SNN New York) Decades after President George H. W. Bush held up a bag of his son’s cocaine and declared a war on drugs, a corner has been turned. The United States will soon have 16 major leaders of drug gangs in prison.

The War on Drugs has seemingly floundered during recent years. Drug use and drug related crime is at all time high levels. Innocent people have been killed by overzealous law enforcement officers. In addition some people say that the $40 billion it costs a year is not worth the results.

It would only seem natural that the United States would turn to the strategy it uses to complete all large projects, outsourcing to Mexico. And Mexico has delivered. President Vincente Fox said that Mexico would extradite any drug lord in its custody wanted by the United States.

It should be noted that nothing was mentioned about the recent elections or the role that the United States could take in keeping Vincente Fox’s party in power.


Editor's Note: Some Senators still soft on America

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

This morning I was heading to work and practicing drift racing in my up-armored Humvee. And I couldn't stop thinking about these liberal politicians that want al-Qaeda to stop us from enjoying the freedoms of driving downhill sideways at 80mph in four tons of steel.

While I would expect liberal Senators like Hillary Clinton, John Kerry and Barbara Streisand to want America destroyed by terrorists, I was shocked to find a group of GOD, sorry GOP, Senators standing in the way of expanding our freedom via secret prisons and interrogation techniques.

Frankly I'm tired of the relativism of Senators such as John McCain, who thinks he knows something about the military and war just because he was in Vietnam, and thinks that he knows something about torture because he was held in a Hanoi prison camp for five and a half years. Well, John McCain, Jeraldo has spent more time in battle than you, and anyone who has watched him will admit that he knows a thing or two about torture as well.

Besides, the administration has a real fighting man in their ranks. Donald Rumsfeld was an active duty flight instructor for three years. And any man who had to put up with Nixon's drunken ramblings must know a thing or two about courage. Furthermore, he was in the reserves from 1957 to 1989. That's right he was actually Secretary of Defense while he was in the reserves. He's practically two fighting men.

It's time we sent a message to our leaders. We want you to torture every man woman and child on Earth as long as it means that we can take our Shampoo plus conditioner on an airplane.


Pope may be only Partially Infallible

Monday, September 18, 2006

(SNN Rome) Last week, Pope Benedict XVI made some comments which were taken badly by some Muslims. He has apologized for the remark, but some people think his apology was not enough.

The Pope quoted from a Byzantine text on Islam which claimed that Islam was a false creed propagated through violence and promiscuity. He concluded his papal speech with, “And if you don't believe that, you can suck my big German wiener.”

While Muslim responses to the speech have varied, they are sure on two issues. They need to show the world that they are non-violent people, and they are going to chop the pope into little pieces and sell him to Americans as Mongolian Barbecue.

While the pope gave an apology today, many Muslims claimed that his remarks were not enough. The Pope did not so much apologize for the comments as say he was sorry that they were received badly.

This incident calls into question the Pope's accountability. However, what most people don't realize that Papal Infallibility is rather like “Simon Says.” Unless a pope states that what he is about to say is the absolute truth of the Universe, he can't be held to it. In fact, infallibility has not been used since 1950, when Pius XII used his infallibility to settle a bar bet.

In other news, President Bush believes that the Pope is sincere in his hope that non of his comments have incited violence. National Security Council officer Dennis Wilder said, “The President noted that the Pope had made some apologies for his remarks and the President believes that the Pope was sincere in those remarks and that's where the discussion was left. Furthermore, the President hopes that if he ever makes a mistake, he can act just as gracefully.”


Skippy Stops the Presses

Friday, September 15, 2006

I have to start this week's Skippy Does it All with an apology. It is my fault that there was no NewsBlog 5000 for Thursday Sept. 14. Usually when a lapse like this occurs, it is due the the whim of Dr. Maynard. I am truly sorry for this.

It all started a couple weeks ago, when I went to pick up my wife Bunny at here second job. During the day, she is a senior editor here at NewsBlog 5000. But in the evening, she is a dancer at an upscale gentleman's club.

Visiting the club that night was Oliver Templeton, the richest man in Wichita, Kansas. Templeton offered me $1 million dollars to sleep with Bunny. I turned him down. Bunny told me that she would not need a ride that night as she was going out with a couple of the girls.

I thought that was the end of it, but then I noticed Bunny making a few purchases that made me concerned, a mink coat, a Porsche, and a diamond necklace. It was when she bought a Korean girl, Shin, just to do her nails that I became suspicious. Technically, we adopted her. I thought it took a long time to adopt someone, but apparently thousands of dollars can speed the process.

I had long suspected Bunny of having affairs with other men. It was Wednesday night in the NewsBlog 5000 offices that this all came to a head. I accused Bunny of sleeping with Templeton. She flat out told me that she had and asked me how I though we got by, as I do not make a salary.

Bunny was standing next to Alice Humbees's desk, and started throwing Alice's extensive collection of “love toys” at people in the office. Dr. Maynard tried to stop her, but she knocked him out with a 16” rubber penis. Dr. Maynard is all right, but he has a bruise in a very embarrassing shape.

Subsequently, we did not get a story out yesterday, and it is, in part, my fault.

Yesterday, we met with divorce attorneys and it looks like Bunny will get almost everything we own, as she has been our primary breadwinner. However, I will get custody of Shin.

James Skippenofsky, Skippy Does it All


Iraq Becoming Safer

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

(SNN Baghdad) While today was a day of violence in Iraq, things are looking up.

During the day, 60 bodies were found, two US soldiers were killed and at least 18 people were killed in attacks on the police. A bomb exploded near and Iraqi police patrol killing once officer and nine civilians and wounding 33. And another bomb exploded two hours later killing eight officers and wounding 19. Fortunately, this still makes Baghdad safer than Washington DC.

Despite the alarming day, there was good news. Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki traveled to Iran to cement Iranian support in quelling the insurgency. Ahmadinejad of Iran said that "“Iran will give its assistance to establish complete security in Iraq, because Iraq’s security is Iran’s security.” The news comes on the heels of accusations that Shiite militias may be attacking US troops to revenge Lebanon.

It is not yet known what role Iran may take in Iraq's security or whether they would be assisting Shiite militias in attacking US troops.


Cheney sent to break up Congressional Deadlock

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

(SNN Washington) President Bush has dispatched the vice president and top aides to the Capitol to break up a deadlock with Republicans over surveillance programs.

Cheney and Josh Bolten appealed to Senate Republicans during lunch to pass legislation that would let Bush begin prosecuting terror suspects. The legislation would also limit the ability to prosecute a government interrogator of mistreating a suspect.

Several versions of that legislation are expected to advance through the Senate and House Judiciary Committees this week. They would give legal status to the controversial surveillance program, as well as impose new rules and congressional oversight.The administration is also pressing separate legislation that would let it track terrorists by electronic surveillance.

One of the most contentious issues is the question of torture. However, the Vice President is fully capable of torturing any members of congress needed to pass the legislation. While under the War Crimes Act of 1996, Cheney will not be able to use torture, murder or rape, he will be able to use "alternative techniques", such as torture, murder or rape.


A Secular Moment of Silence

Monday, September 11, 2006

The staff of NewsBlog 5000 would like to ask for a secular moment of silence to commemorate all the other moments of silence dedicated today.


Editor's Note: Saddam had no al Qaida Ties

Friday, September 08, 2006

I've been saying for quite some time, at least a week now: There is no evidence that Saddam Hussein had a relationship with al Qaida. And frankly, I'm tired of liberals insinuating that there ever was.

A declassified document being released by the Senate Intelligence Committee clearly states that Saddam's government "did not have a relationship, harbor, or turn a blind eye toward Zarqawi and his associates."

I hear loony libs foaming at the mouth that Bush and other administration officials have made repeated claims for the last four years about evidence of a connections between Saddam and al Zarqawi. Sure, that was true then, but this is now, and now those things are no longer true. Now the truth is that Bush never said that such a connection existed and neither did anyone in his administration. It is just like a "progressive" to be two steps behind.

Furthermore, I still haven't seen any Democrats in the House or Senate produce any evidence to substantiate their claims that Saddam had and was planning to produce even more deadly weapons of mass destruction.

It is time for these crazy liberals to pay the piper. After taking us to war under false pretences, squashing our civil rights and refusing to take responsibility for the dreadful response in New Orleans, I look forward to kicking out the liberals in November. It is time for a Republican majority in the House and Senate.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Video shows bin Laden meeting with bin Laden

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Laser bin Laden attacks a Pontiac.

(SNN Cairo) Al-Jazeera broadcast today what it called a previously unshown video in which Osama bin Laden is seen meeting with Osama bin Laden.

The video shows bin Laden sitting with his former lieutenant Mohammed Atef and Osama bin Laden, suspected planner of the Sept. 11 suicide hijackings. Atef, also known as Abu Hafs al-Masri, was killed by a U.S. airstrike in Afghanistan.

Bin Laden met with the bin Laden who was presumably a bin Laden from another universe, a robot or perhaps a clone. The two discussed the creation of another bin Laden, which would be able to shoot laser beams out of his eyes.

In the video, bin Laden was wearing a dark robe and white headgear walking in a mountainous area. He smiled as he greeted several men, some of whom where also Osama bin Laden.


White House: Rumsfeld is no Bogeyman

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

(SNN Washington) The White House said yesterday that Democrats were trying to turn Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld into “a bogeyman” two months before congressional elections.

Democrats have been pushing for a no confidence vote on the Secretary of Defense. It seems that some are unsure that after three years Rumsfeld can meet his promise that the Iraq War will be over in a “matter of days.” Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid of Nevada said he hoped for a vote on Rumsfeld either Wednesday or Thursday.

White House Spokesman Tony Snow said, "Creating Donald Rumsfeld as a bogeyman may make for good politics but would make for a very lousy strategy at this time. Just because Donald Rumsfeld hides under children’s beds and scares them in the middle of the night doesn’t make him a bogeyman."

In 2004, the Secretary pretended to resign over the Abu Ghraib prison abuse scandal and the President twice refused his fake resignations.

The Secretary of Defense will sometimes hide in a closet, or under a set of basement stairs.


Ahmadinejad calls for Purge of Professors

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

(SNN Tehran) Today, President Ahmadinejad of Iran urged Students to push for a purge of liberal and secular university teachers. Ahmadinejad has previsously purged officials from government and the diplomatic corps.

Dozens of liberal professors have been sent into retirement since the onset of Ahmadinejad's administration. Ahmadinejad has asked students to continue to out professors that lean towards moderate views.

President Ahmadinejad claims that he is merely turning back a trend toward secularism that started 150 years ago or shortly after Aga Khan, leader of the Shi'I Isma'ili group, fled to India after attempting to assassinate the Shah.

Meanwhile, opposition to Ahmadinejad's plans have come from the United States. Both Bill O'Reilly and David Horowitz have criticized Ahmadinejad for stealing their ideas.


Immigration Arrests 15 Aliens in Roswell

Friday, September 01, 2006

(SNN Roswell) Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents today arrested 15 illegal aliens working for a company that paints military aircraft.

The aliens were arrested after they were determined to be illegally residing and working in the United States. The aliens came to the United States from Mexico, El Salvador and Guatemala. Some of them were arrested while painting.

Before they can be returned to their spaceships in Mexico, El Salvador and Guatemala, the aliens must be processed. They will be given a thorough interview and background check to determine if they are fugitives from the law. In 2005, Zorack the Invincible, who has been implicated in the plot to vaporize the Pentagon, was arrested while working as a dishwasher in a Mexican Restaurant in Tulsa.

But with the need to get new supplies quickly to our troops, maybe we should be employing aliens. Due to their vastly superior technology, it is widely recognized that aliens can do more work in a day for less money.