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Editor’s Note – Schrodinger’s Scooter

Monday, October 31, 2005

Some of you may have noticed that we reported on Friday that Scooter Libby had killed himself. But on Sunday, we reported he was having memory problems.

As our fact checker was killed last weekend during a corporate retreat, we have been having some problems. We hope to correct these in the near future. However, for the time being we can only assume that the former Chief of Staff to the Vice President exists in a mixture of states.

Ryan Maynard, Editor.


Memory Problems Continue in Washington

Sunday, October 30, 2005

(SNN Washington) Long thought ended, the villain of the summer of fear in the nation's capital has returned. Once again, an important official has completely lost his memory.

An important official has completely lost his memory.

It all started last July. As then Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts could not remember that he had belonged to the Federalist Society. Then the nominee for U.N. ambassador, John Bolton, forgot that he went in front of the CIA and State Department to explain why the Bush Administration had used forged documents to justify the War in Iraq.

One of the many theories about what is causing this extraordinary epidemic of memory problems is the use of Methamphetamine. It is not known if Scooter Libby has been tested for Meth use. Another of the popular theories states that President Bush is a carrier for some sort of disease. However, this theory fell into disfavor, after the President was revealed to be the healthiest man on earth. Many still believe that the disease is communicable.

Special Counsel Fitzgerald has taken advantage of Mr. Libby's horrible disease.

Meanwhile, Libby's lawyers are quite upset that Special Counsel Fitzgerald has taken advantage of Mr. Libby's horrible disease. “We are quite distressed the special counsel has now sought to pursue alleged inconsistencies in Mr. Libby’s recollection and those of others and to charge such inconsistencies as false statements,” said Joseph Tate, attorney to Mr. Libby.

Libby has resigned for the good of the administration, hoping that the disease will not spread to others. However, if Mr. Fitzpatrick's probe continues, it may cause other high ranking administration officials to lose their memory, after being brought into contact with the possibly infectious disease.


Republicans Work to End Poverty

Saturday, October 29, 2005

(SNN Washington) Rich Democrat Ted Kennedy attempted to impose legislation that would increase the federal minimum wage from $5.15 to $6.25 an hour. Fortunately brave Republicans moved to block this measure.

Not one single Democratic senator voted against the wage boost.

Not one single Democratic senator voted against the wage boost. Republicans were the only senators to vote against the measure. The minimum wage was last increased in 1997.

Republican senators understand that increasing the minimum wage would only allow poor people to buy meth. Eventually their meth riddled bodies would be too weak to work and they would be forced to turn to a life of crime. There are currently 37 million Americans living in poverty. Can we really afford 37 million people on meth and crack?

Under Enzi's plan the forty hour work week and overtime pay would have been eliminated.

A more moderate approach was offered by Sen. Michael Enzi (R-Wyo). Under Enzi's plan, the minimum wage would have been increased, but the forty hour work week and overtime pay would have been eliminated. This would have allowed workers to make more money for hobbies, such as feeding their children. Also, due to the weakening of job safety and health protections on the job, workers who were injured would not have the ability to sit around the house and smoke crack all day. Enzi even wanted to help small business by exempting small business from the Fair Labor Standards Act.

But fortunately, the evil machinations of the alcohol addled, secretary killing Kennedy were squashed by the valiant Republican Senators. However, they should stay vigilant. Kennedy has tried to raise the minimum wage before, claiming to stop hard workers and their children from going hungry, and he is likely to try again.


Scooter Libby Falls on Sword

Friday, October 28, 2005

(SNN Washington) Today, the Chief of Staff to Dick Cheney, Lewis "Scooter" Libby, was indicted on five counts. Shortly thereafter, Libby died by falling on his own sword.

Libby was charged with lying to FBI agents and to the grand jury

Libby was charged with lying to FBI agents and to the grand jury about two conversations with reporters. According to the indictment, Libby testified that he heard Plame's name from Tim Russert, when he had actually heard the name from a CIA official.

Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald said that the obstruction of justice charges should be taken seriously. "This is a very serious matter," Fitzgerald said. In addition to the charges against Libby, Fitzgerald indicated that investigations would continue. "Given national security was at stake, it was especially important that we find out accurate facts."

Someone named Scooter should not be allowed to handle sharp objects.

Normally, someone named Scooter should not be allowed to handle sharp objects. However, Libby had ordered the sword off of eBay, thinking that it was a theatrical prop. The top aide was planning to use the sword as part of a pirate costume, so that he could more appropriately worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

In a statement, Vice President Cheney said that he accepted the loss of Libby "with deep regret". "Scooter Libby is one of the most capable and talented individuals I have ever known," the statement said.

It is, as yet, unknown, how Scooter managed to stab himself to death.


Quality of Asian Vehicles Shows Steep Decline

Thursday, October 27, 2005

(SNN Detroit) Consumer Reports sent surveys last spring to its 6 million subscribers. The surveys asked questions about 1998 to 2005 model year vehicles. The annual Consumer Reports reliability survey, Japanese cars have recently taken major hits in quality and reliability.

Just a few years ago, buying an Asian car was a complete no-brainer

Japanese cars have fallen so far in quality that only 29 Japanese vehicles fall into the group of 31 vehicles to earn the highest reliability ratings. One of Toyotas vehicles, the Avalon, only rated average. Irv Miller, a Toyota spokesman, says the automaker is actively addressing complaints from consumers about the Avalon. He predicts the car's rating will increase next year.

But the problems of Asian makers don’t stop there. Three percent of owners of Toyota’s Prius Hybrid were unhappy with their purchase. Many Nissan vehicles have rated as poor, due to Nissan locating its new plant in Mississippi.

Three percent of owners of Toyota’s Prius Hybrid were unhappy with their purchase.

Hyundai, who makes vehicles priced somewhere between a motorized skateboard and a Vespa, also had vehicles that rated only poor to avarage. The Hyundai commitment to quality is reflected in its summer of 2005 ad campaign, “What do you expect? It’s a fucking Hyundai.” This replaced their Spring campaign, “Slightly better than a kick in the nuts.”

"One time you would consider buying a Japanese car because you'd get excellent reliability, but now you're starting to see some nicks in the armor," says David Champion, senior director of Consumer Reports' auto test center. Yes, while just a few years ago, buying an Asian car was a complete no-brainer, now you may have to do some comparison shopping in order to determine just which Asian car to buy.


Liberal Attacks President

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

(SNN Washington) On Monday, known liberal sympathizer Chris Matthews attacked President Bush in a horrible show of liberal bias. The commentator characterized the President as a child of privilege.

The commentator characterized the President as a child of privilege.

The comment came while Matthews was discussing the possible impeachment of key administration officials with Washington Times Editorial Page Editor Tony Blankly. After Blankely made a statement about the seriousness of perjury, Mathews said to Blankley, “You know, Tony, there is in the past, it's not always there, but sometimes it glimmers with this man, our president, that kind of sonny nobility.”

The great liberal Matthews then calls Bush “glimmering”

By calling Bush “sonny nobility” he has gone too far. He is essentially calling our president the favorite son of a tired aristocracy. How dare he suggest that George W. Bush got his place in the President’s chair due to a birthright. In America, the poorest minority child growing up in the projects has the same chance of becoming president as the son of an oil millionaire and former President.

To add injury to insult, the great liberal Matthews then calls Bush “glimmering”. This is an obviously attempt to play up rumors that the president is gay. Just because someone overly uses fabulous, and comes up with kitschy nicknames for people, and occasionally wears women’s underwear and a dress, and has sex with many, many men, does not make them gay.


Skippy Goes on Retreat

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

In accordance with the rules of our parent company, the Sincmil News Network, the NewsBlog 5000 senior staff is required to go on a retreat once per year. We were able to rent a cabin at a fine public park, the name of which I must leave out for liability reasons. So Dr Maynard, Alice Humbees, Darrel Schrong, Adrian Chevelle and I packed into our new vehicle, NewsAudi 5000 and headed for the cabin.

Most of Friday was spent traveling. Darrel Schrong, our NewsBlog 5000 fact checker drove most of the way, while Alice Humbees fed him these funny smelling maraschino cherries, she had brought along. By the end of the day, Darrel must have been quite tired of driving, because NewsAudi 5000 was swerving all over the road.

We arrived that evening at our cabin and unpacked. We grabbed snacks out of a vending machine and Adrian told us a scary story about a couple named Ben and Jay Low. We turned in early, expecting to get an early start.

The next morning, we all woke up ready for the sharing of group building activities, except of course for Alice Humbees, who hit me with a shoe when I tried to awake her and Darrel Schrong, who claimed to be sick from all the cherries he had eaten. Dr. Maynard made us eggs.

As we made our way outside the air was still quite chilly. Dr. Maynard, who I do not think is a fan of the cold, had donned an oversized parka. The fresh air and crispness of the fall morning was only slightly marred by the complaining of Alice Humbees and Darrel Schrong’s moaning. Dr. Maynard chose an inspirational spot next to a ravine with a little stream below.

We started with the most simple of trust exercises. First I fell back and Adrian caught me. He told me that it was not the first time he had been a catcher. Then Alice Humbees possibly tried to kill Dr. Maynard.

Now I don’t really like to point fingers, but it seems to me that Alice did not try very hard to catch Dr. Maynard. It could even be said that she side stepped him. Although in fairness, it was Dr. Maynard who had decided to hold the exercise so close to the edge of a ravine. It is perhaps partially due to his enormous parka that he made the trip down the ravine relatively unscathed, but it was also due to the parka’s waterproofing, which acted much like an inner tube and carried him away with the current of the stream below.

In a daze, we watched Dr. Maynard bob away in silence. Finally, Alice Humbees said, “Well, I guess the retreat is over.” However, Darrel would have nothing to do with that. He insisted that we all climb down the ravine and look for Dr. Maynard.

Now, I don’t claim to be any experts on reptiles, but I was sure that rattlesnakes did not come out in the cold weather. Apparently the one that bit Darrel Schrong did not know this. Fortunately, we knew that if we made a shallow cut into the wound and sucked out the poison, Darrel would be all right. Unfortunately, we did not have any knives, so we tried to use a sharp piece of rock. I believe we must have cut too deep, because at the point, Darrel began to bleed quite profusely and was dead within a matter of minutes. After Darrel began to turn quite pale, Alice Humbees suggested that we try a tourniquet. Tourniquets are probably more effective when not put around the neck.

So we attempted to tastefully lay out Darrel’s body, and again set out after Dr. Maynard. Because of the thick canopy of trees, even in the morning light the woods were dark, and as we made our way though the thick underbrush, my mind strayed to the horrifying tale that Adrian had told us the night before. A dark primal part of me knew that there was a Jay Low hiding behind the next tree, waiting to attack. On the pretense of needing a walking stick, I picked up a dead tree limb to protect myself.

As we continued through the woods, morning became afternoon, which then became night. I wanted to keep looking, but Alice and Adrian insisted that we camp for the night. Because we did not have any method to make fire, we were forced to huddle together for warmth. However, I should have been more insistent that we leave our clothes on.

By the next day, our spirits were running low. It was again a cold morning as we pulled our nude bodies out of the pile of coats. Just as I had gotten my clothes on, a figure covered in leaves and pine needles came out of the woods with a quick limping gait. Remembering my fear of the Jay Low, I grabbed my walking stick and attacked the beast, which it turns out was Dr. Maynard.

When Dr. Maynard came to, he explained that he had been keeping warm by covering himself in leaves. Unfortunately, just like us, he had no idea of how to get out of the woods.

We had not eaten since yesterday’s breakfast of eggs, and Alice had barely touched hers. As the day went on our hunger increased. Finally salvation, late in the day, we came upon some Japanese tourists. None of us speak Japanese, so Alice Humbees beat them up and took their stuff. Not only did they have energy bars and juice boxes, they also had a GPS unit that traced the path back to the cabins, which were only 50 feet away.

So, we did get lost in the woods, and I did lose a little bit of my innocence, and a member of our news team is still dead in a ravine somewhere, and we are probably wanted for murder and mugging, but otherwise, our first corporate retreat did not go so bad. We can only hope next year goes this well.


Editor's Note

Thursday, October 20, 2005

As a condition of our purchase by the Sincmil News Network, I must occasionally take my employees on a corporate retreat. Subsequently, whilst I am subjected to performing trust exercises with Alice Humbees, NewsBlog 5000 will be shut down for a few days.

We can only hope that there is no news between now and the beginning of next week.

Ryan Maynard, Editor


Gay Nazis Hate Freedom

Thursday, October 20, 2005

(SNN Washington) Yesterday, the senior aide to former Secretary of State Colin Powell claimed that the foreign policy of the United States had been hijacked by Vice President Dick Cheney and a small number of coconspirators, and that this cabal had decided to carry out in secret policies that have left the United States weaker and more isolated in the world.

Colonel Lawrence Wilkerson, former chief of staff to Mr. Powell, said “What I saw was a cabal between the vice-president of the United States, Richard Cheney, and the secretary of defense, Donald Rumsfeld, on critical issues that made decisions that the bureaucracy did not know were being made.

Col. Wilkerson pointed out a few decisions that the administration had made with foreign policy. As examples of these bad decisions, Wilkerson offered the refusal to cooperate with North Korea, the refusal to back Europe’s efforts with Iran, the silent complacent attitude towards torture, toadyism at top levels, and overstretching the military. While these points have been made by anyone smarter than a slow ten year old, this is significant because of Wilkerson’s position.

President Bush was “not versed in international relations"

In addition Col. Wilkerson said the current President Bush was “not versed in international relations and not too much interested in them either” and not up to the level of his father. “There's a vast difference between the way George H.W. Bush dealt with major challenges, some of the greatest challenges at the end of the 20th century, and effected positive results in my view, and the way we conduct diplomacy today.”

It is estimated that later today, a conservative web site will accuse Col. Wilkerson of being Michaels Moore’s lover and helping John Kerry hold illegal meeting with the Vietcong. This afternoon, on Fox News, they will discuss how sad it is that a gay nazi can get away with criticizing the president. By tomorrow, someone on CNN will compare the retired Colonel to Cindy Sheehan.


Fake News Site Reports Chinese Invasion of Japan

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

(SNN Tokyo) On Wednesday, a website posing as a Yahoo News site reported that Chinese troops had invaded the Japanese island of Okinawa.

Both Yahoo Japan Corp and Kyodo News Agency were upset

The article, supposedly written by a Kyodo correspondent in the United States, said, “Chinese troops invaded Japanese airspace over Okinawa in the predawn hours of Tuesday.”

Both Yahoo Japan Corp and Kyodo News Agency were upset at the hoax and said they were considering legal action against the owner of the site. "The story is without foundation and has been fabricated. We'll demand that the page be deleted and are considering filing a criminal complaint with law enforcers for damage to our credibility," a Kyodo official said.

none of the giant robots were harmed

Due to confusion caused by the news story, the Defense Forces sent at least fourteen giant robots to Okinawa. While none of the giant robots were harmed in the exercise, the honor of one of the pilots was nearly compromised.

The Chinese troops actually invaded Hokkaido.


A Cheney Aide Cooperating?

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

(SNN Washington) According to information The Raw Story, a senior aide to Vice President Dick Cheney is cooperating with special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald. Fitzgerald is investigating the outing of CIA agent Valerie “the Flame” Plame Wilson.

Hannah has no respect for the law.

The aide named in the story is John Hannah, a former employee of John Bolton, on loan to the White House. But why would this highly placed administration official flip on Cheney. There are perhaps two possibilities. Perhaps Hannah has no respect for the law and decided to give complete factual information to the special prosecutor. Or, maybe Hannah was about to be indicted on solid evidence that he was a coconspirator and made a deal. There is a little supported third theory, that Hannah believes that Cheney no longer loves him.

the Vice President has been under a lot of stress lately.

In the defense of Vice President Cheney, the Vice President has been under a lot of stress lately. Being an older man under heavy stress with heart trouble and a recent surgery under his belt, maybe Cheney is currently unable to physically express his love to Hannah. However, perhaps Cheney should have realized that Hanaah was lonely, and been more generally affectionate.

The trick now is for Fitzgerald to make sure that his investigation is neither too narrow, nor too broad. While Fitzgerald may be able to make an airtight case for people like John Hannah and David Wurmser, it would be too few indictments to justify such a large investigation. However, if he were to implicate the chain of officials involved in this incident and related crimes, there would be very few left to keep the government running.


DeLay Entertains Young Voters

Monday, October 17, 2005

(SNN Richmond) In an attempt to appeal to young voters, U.S. Representative Tom DeLay jumped out of his town car last Wednesday ready to shake hands and booty.

DeLay said he was, “Keeping my pimp hand strong.”

DeLay greeted a group of students, “Hi, Tom DeLay” and began to pass out Red Bull and cigarettes. He then asked to borrow the guitar of one of the students, sat down, and started to play a, well received, acoustic version of “One Bitten Twice Shy”. When one of the students asked the powerful U.S. representative what he was doing at the community college, DeLay said he was, “Keeping my pimp hand strong.” As DeLay leapt into his third song, students taped a sign to the wall behind his back that said “Don’t Feed the Monkey”.

But how strong is DeLay’s pimp hand? The Representative spent disproportionately to win only 55% of his district in 2004, nine points below George W. Bush. Furthermore, the Congressman has been involved in scandal after scandal on issues such as bribery, blackmail, and money laundering.

DeLay can fall back on one of Texas’s greatest natural resources”

Fortunately, DeLay can fall back on one of Texas’s greatest natural resources, the utter inanity of its citizens. 'I think everybody in this district that supported him continues to support him," said Phyllis Worsham. ''We know the truth here, and we know what he's done for the district." Sadly, Phyllis Worsham is a government teacher.

Despite what Worsham says, DeLay will be hitting the bricks for the foreseeable future. The Representative has already set up a steady schedule of appearances, mostly judging costume parties in retirement homes, helping college students to score weed and chaperoning high school dances.

Next week, DeLay is going to open a shopping mall with his cover of, “I Think We’re Alone Now”.

From now until the election, DeLay will be hosting karaoke every Thursday night at the Sugarland Ramada.


Marijuana Use Promotes Neurogenesis in the Hippocampus

Sunday, October 16, 2005

(SNN Calgary) While some studies have shown that periodic use of marijuana can cause memory loss and impair learning and a host of other health problems, new research suggests that drug could have some benefits when administered regularly in high doses.

Neuropsychiatry Research at the University of Saskatchewan in Saskatoon has found that cannabinoids promoted generation of neurons in the hippocampuses. Crap, there were a lot of big words in that sentence.

The Neuropsychiatry Researchers found that cannabinoids curbed depression and anxiety, which suggests a correlation between neurogenesis and moods swings, which has puzzled some neuropharmacologists. Wow, even more big words.

The researchers used as more potent version of delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinal

Ok, screw this. I'm going for tacos.


Violent Lawyer threatens Computer Game Enthusiasts

Saturday, October 15, 2005

(SNN Tampa) Florida attorney and anti-videogame campaigner Jack Thompson has lost his support from America's National Institute of Media and the Family after claiming to have the support in regular open letters.

What a violent man.

The loss of support comes after Thompson sent an open letter to the videogame industry in which he outlined his idea for a game where the CEO of a fictional game company is murdered along with her family out of revenge from video game inspired violence. As incentive for making his game, he offered the first video game company to use his idea "$10,000" to a charity of choice.

As a result of Thompson's request for a violent videogame, Dr David Walsh of the America's National Institute of Media and the Family wrote an open letter to Thompson asking him to stop writing open letters.

Mike Krahulik, an artist behind Penny Arcade, a popular web comic focused around video games, contacted Thompson after he made this offer. Krahulik wished to point out that his charity sponsored by video game players, Child's Play, has raised over half a million dollars for children's hospitals around the USA. He received a polite reply from Thompson. "Jack actually just called and screamed at me for a couple minutes," Krahulik said. "He said if I email him again I will 'regret it'. What a violent man."

Video game violence is what occurs when an abused and/or neglected child with easy access to firearms kills someone, and it is found that his may have once played Ms. Pac Man. It is very similar to violence caused by Dungeons and Dragons style role-playing games, which is similar but involves swords and usually a dislike of Tom Hanks.

Dear Italy, I love that macaroni. Keep up the good work. Jimmy Carter.

The America's National Institute of Media and the Family is a fake but real sounding organization founded by Norman Lear in the early eighties as a spin-off of his popular television series Maude. Their mission is to minimize the harm of media on children and families through research, education and advocacy. This just goes show Lear's mastery of the absurdity of human endeavor.

An Open Letter is a letter that is intended to be read by a wide audience, such as "Dear Italy, I love that macaroni. Keep up the good work. Jimmy Carter".

Jack Thompson is an attention whore.

If your child dislikes Tom Hanks, you should call the authorities.

Disclosure: The Sincmil News Network is a contributor to Child's Play.


Bush Accused of Staging Teleconference

Friday, October 14, 2005

(SNN Washington) An event billed as a conversation with soldiers has caused problems for the Bush administration. Some say that presidential handlers choreographed the conversation to match administration goals for Iraq.

The conversation took place at the Eisenhower Executive Office Building, the birthplace of Saddam Hussein. It was kicked off by a briefing by Allison Barber, deputy assistant defense secretary. "This is an important time," Barber said. "The president is looking forward to having just a conversation with you."

While the proceedings where carefully rehearsed, it was immediately apparent that the President was quite as smooth with the Q&A as the troops with whom he was conversing. Despite the carefully typed spontaneous questions on the paper in front of him, the President furrowed his brow and stumbled over words. At one point, President Bush became disoriented and began licking the television screen. The President then said his tongue felt “tingly”.

Some have said that the carefully selected group of officers was not representative of the average soldier. "He needs to be talking to the boots on the ground and that's not a bunch of captains,” said Paul Rieckhoff of Operation Truth. Though others believed they were honestly speaking from their heart and the average soldier in Iraq believes the President is seven feet tall and can fly. And remember while Alan Alda was once a mere Army Captain, he is now a Senator, running for President.


Go Ask Alice

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


My mother caught me masturbating the other day and tells me that I will go to hell. Is it ok to masturbate, or am I damned?

Andrew Q


If you are a regular reader of my column, I’m sure that you know that I only encourage people to masturbate if they want to. Also, I do not answer theological questions. However, because this is a question I get often, I turned it over to my colleague Dale Carnast of Boston Harbor University.



Almost all adult males have taken part in masturbation by the time they reach adulthood. Because many of these men are Christians (which I assume you are), it is a theological question that does come up often. In fact I had a roommate at seminary that would masturbate 2-3 times a day. I would often awaken at night to find him standing over me with his member in his hand, sometimes reciting the Lord’s Prayer.

It has long been an issue of Christian dogma that masturbation is wrong. While some do quote specific bible verses to back up their beliefs, these verses must be heavily interpreted to be about masturbation.

Some point to the story of Onan in Genesis 38. “But Onan was not willing to have a child who would not be counted as his own, and so, although her married her whenever he went in to sleep with her, he spilled the sperm on the bed to prevent her from having a baby which would be his brother's. So far as the Lord was concerned, it was very wrong of him, so he killed him, too.” Some take this to mean that releasing sperm outside of a woman is a sin, but the real reason God kills Onan is because god finds him annoying. I know many masturbators, but none of them have ever experienced anything worse than some chaffing. The story of Onan does tell me that if you find yourself having sex, you should not under any circumstances use a condom or oral contraceptives, but no one really takes it seriously anymore.

However, due to the lack of biblical consistency, there are some people who have developed a new way of interpreting the bible called Biblical Hermeneutics. In the simplest terms, Biblical Hermeneutics attempts to use the original language the books of the bible was written in to determine the real meaning behind over-translated statements. Through Hermeneutical translation we find that god has no problem with masturbation as long as we don’t do it in a tree, Gal 3:13-14, but he would prefer that we experiment with adolescent homosexuality rather than masturbate, John 7:37-38.

Dale Carnast


Cheney's options up 3281% last year

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

(SNN Washington) Senator Frank Lautenberg (D-NJ) has pointed out that stock options in Halliburton owned by Dick Cheney have grown by 3281% in the last year. The options, worth $241, 498 a year ago, are now worth over $8 million.

Lautenberg has high praise for the administration. “Halliburton has already raked in more than $10 billion from the Bush-Cheney Administration for work in Iraq, and they were awarded some of the first Katrina contracts," Lautenberg said in a statement.

This amount underscores the importance of having a good investment strategy. With the impending disaster the administration has planned for Social Security, investments may be the only source to keep many in their retirement.

The average investor could take a lesson from Vice President Cheney. For instance, many people never consider deferring their salary. Thanks to differed salary payments, Vice President Cheney received $194,852 in salary last year. If you are planning to retire from your job, a small salary deferment of a few million dollars or so could really help with higher heating bills.

Also, speaking of power bills, there are many government programs to assist you with those bills. Cheney completely pays the power bill on his 33 room mansion through government programs. We think the Vice President must have sent away for the book of that question mark guy.

Another problem lately for people on fixed incomes is transportation costs. The Vice President also takes part in government programs to defer his transportation costs. Through a government program, the Vice President is furnished with a 757-200, which can be a great help when going for groceries, or just out to a matinee.


Delphi Proposes Bonuses to Executives

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

(SNN Detroit) Bankrupt auto parts supplier Delphi Corp plans to offer executives cash and up to a 10 percent stake in the company after reorganization. It is feared that without massive bonuses, the executives that have run the company into the ground might not stay to run the company.

Delphi workers are upset by the announcement

However, many Delphi workers are upset by the announcement. Perhaps this is because they don’t understand the importance of executives, or perhaps it is because the company has asked them to take a huge cut in wages. One thing is certain, the company will never be able to attract executives unless they pay them enough not to live primarily in Michigan.

As an additional incentive for executives to stay, Delphi has greatly expanded severance packages for top executives. Also, if the company comes out of bankruptcy or is sold executives would receive cash bonuses of 30 percent to 250 percent of their salary, totaling $87.9 million.

UAW is trying to stand in the way of Delphi’s success.

Unfortunately, the shortsighted, business hating UAW is trying to stand in the way of Delphi’s success. The UAW is upset by the massive employee pay cuts that have been demanded by the executives and the new employee health program that would allow Delphi executives to harvest employee organs.

In addition to the UAW, some shareholders say that the Delphi executives actually have gone too far and that they should turn control of the company over to outsourced CEOs from India, who could loot the company for a much lower wage.


Quote of the Day

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

I appreciate your friendship and candor. Never hold back your sage advice.

P.S. No more public scatology.

Gov. George W. Bush to Harriet Miers, 1994


New York Police Fail to Find Clue

Monday, October 10, 2005

(SNN New York) After a weekend of heightened security resulting from a Homeland Security memo, no credible evidence has been found indicating the memo had any relationship to reality.

there are very serious doubts about the credibility of this specific threat

"The intelligence community has been able to determine that there are very serious doubts about the credibility of this specific threat," said homeland security department spokesperson Russ Knocke. While Knocke’s statement may seem confusing at first, what he is actually saying is that he has no idea what’s going on.

The specific threat involved remote control bombs being placed on the New York Subway system. So far three suspects have been arrested in connection with the alleged plot, all of them in Iraq. Sources say authorities are investigating whether the three possess a very, very, very powerful remote control device.

Mayor Bloomberg rode the subway to Yankee Stadium

Sunday night, to show solidarity with his fellow New Yorkers, Mayor Bloomberg rode the subway to see the Yankees. Bloomberg was searched thoroughly by police officers before getting on the subway. Due to heightened security, the mayor was only mugged three times on his we to Yankee Stadium.

Mayor Bloomberg defends his decision to raise security levels in the subway, and has not yet to lower security to previous levels. The mayor says at the end of the day, he's the one in charge of keeping New Yorkers safe.

However, while this scenario has not panned out, Homeland Security is already working on some new suggestions. A new possible threat involves Republican Guard Colonel Al-Mustard in the New York Public Library with the revolver, or possibly the lead pipe.


Times Reporter Finds Notes

Sunday, October 09, 2005

(SNN Washington) New York Times reporter Judith Miller has discovered notes of a conversation she had with President Dick Cheney's chief of staff in June 2003, and has turned them over to the prosecutors.

Miller, 85, spent 57 days in jail over her refusal to break a promise of confidentiality to her source. Some went as far as to advance the ridiculous notion that Miller was not protecting a source, but in some kind of collusion with White House staff.

But Miller claims that she was protecting freedom of the press by withholding information on her sources. Miller testified before a grand jury Sept. 30 but due to Miller's ethics, she could not testify before speaking to Vice Presidential Chief of Staff Scooter Libby and signing a $1.2 million book deal.

Miller claims that she was protecting freedom of the press

In addition to the notes, Miller has also agreed to special prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald's request that she meet with him Tuesday to answer additional questions. After Miller was imprisoned for failing to testify, it is fortunate that the seasoned reporter merely lost her notes and was not withholding evidence from a grand jury.

While Miller has been released, there is not guarantee that she will not end up back in prison. Two-thirds of the women who find themselves in a correctional institution become repeat offenders. This is especially true if Miller was involved in a prison gang. Gangs in women's prisons are put together for protection and homosexual companionship. Most females who join female prison gangs were sexually abused as children or reporters for the New York Times.


Increased Security May Not Help

Saturday, October 08, 2005

(SNN New York) The New York Police Department has heightened security in New York's subway system. The security has been heightened based on information found in a Department of Homeland Security memo.

The memo indicated that Homeland Security and FBI agents doubted the reliability of the memo.

The memo claimed that an attack on the New York subway system was scheduled to take place on or around Sunday. According to the memos, the bombers intended to use remote control or timed devices placed in suitcases, briefcases or baby strollers. This memo, of course, is just stupid. Ok, maybe the briefcases and the suitcases would work, but an Arabic man abandoning a baby carriage would draw people's attention, even on a New York Subway. The memo indicated that Homeland Security and FBI agents doubted the reliability of the memo.

On Thursday, U.S. forces in Iraq arrested two suspects believed to be behind the plot and a third suspect was arrested on Friday. The three suspects are believed to have received explosives training in Afghanistan. Authorities are investigating whether a fourth man had already traveled to New York, but according to Department of Homeland Security spokesman Brian Doyle, the government has no information that the fourth suspect "is either here or even exists."

So putting together this information, the terrorist plan becomes clear. On Saturday, three men were going to sneak across the war zone along the Syrian border, then use false credentials to fly to New York. Once they were in New York, they were going to meet their imaginary friend. Then the jetlagged men were going go shopping for bomb supplies and stay up all night building a number of bombs and remote control detonators. Finally, the Arabic looking men who had not eaten, showered or slept in three days were going to leave luggage and baby carriages unattended on the subway without arousing suspicion, and quietly slip away after the explosions.

What remains to be seen is how well this memo will take attention away from Rove's involvement in the Plame investigation, Rep. Delay's Indictments, Sen. Frist's 'blind' trust, the President's low poll numbers, Harriet Miers, the vote extension on the new pork filled energy bill, contradicting pentagon statements about the war in Iraq, or the Red Sox defeat.


Senate Takes Aim at Detainees

Friday, October 07, 2005

(SNN Washington) The U.S. Senate voted yesterday to approve an amendment to the Defense Appropriations bill that would prohibit the U.S. military from torturing detainees.

The Senate is more interested in consistent verbiage than human pain and suffering.

Sadly, anti-torture Senators were forced to sell the amendment to their fellows as a call to clarify the rules. Showing once again that the Senate is more interested in consistent verbiage than human pain and suffering.

Senator John McCain of Arizona sponsored the amendment. Senator McCain read a letter written by an Army Captain who repeatedly tried to get answers from his chain of command on what standards apply to the treatment of detainees. This bill is very close to his heart, as McCain survived years of torture during the Vietnam War.

Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska is a big fan of torture.

But there was some opposition to the amendment. Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska is a big fan of torture. Stevens said that "If this amendment passes, the United States will not have effective control of those people." Stevens then split open the ball sack of one of his aids and threw him from the visitor's gallery to show how humane detainee treatment could be.

While some Democrats saw the vote as a rebuff of the president's conduct of the war, Republicans say that they are merely separating themselves from the President in preparation for the next election.

There is a silver lining to this situation. All the recent torture incidents in the military have taken attention away from the CIA, where things are business as usual.


Bush Plays Hide the Salami

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Rumors have abounded about Harriet Miers, and what the Democratic leadership stands on her. DNC Chair Howard Dean gave his opinion in an interview with Chris Matthews.

Supreme Court Strategies

Riding the baloney pony

Shucking the oyster

Giving hot beef injections

Stuffing Tacos

Filling the cream doughnut

Pounding the Pork

According to rumors, President Bush spoke to the Democratic Senate leadership, specifically Harry Reid, before nominating Harriet Miers. Apparently, the DNC chair was left out of the loop on this. "I was surprised," Dean said. "I'm like most every other American, including the ones in Washington. We know almost nothing about her. And we have a lot of questions to be answered before she gets a lifetime appointment."

But Dean did have a suggestion on why the President was so fond of Miers. "I think with a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, you can't play, you know, hide the salami, or whatever it's called." Yes, it seems that Dean was accusing Bush of boning Harriet Miers, like he did John Roberts.

But, Matthews, known for his mildly confrontational style, immediately called Dean on the carpet the 2004 Presidential race, when he refused to release information about having sex with retired Gen. Wesley Clark. "The stuff that I didn't release was stuff — was not about people who were up for appointment to the United States Supreme Court, I can assure you of that," Dean responded.


Skippy Gets Cable

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

For quite some time, I have been fascinated with this phenomenon known as cable television. While I have never, myself, had cable television, I know several people that do, and my wife, Bunny Delicious, has been asking for it for quite some time. This week on Skippy Does It, Skippy Gets Cable.

Getting cable is a simple process. I simply called our local cable company. They, in turn, forwarded me to their national office, where someone told me that they did not offer service in my town. After another call, I had a date to have the cable hooked up. While I was given a wide time range that the cable installer would arrive in, he was actually there right at the beginning of the time range and had the cable installed in our living room in a couple of minutes.

I have two televisions, one for our living room and one for the bedroom. The cable installer showed me how some of channels available in the living room. I found this lovely show called "Bewitched" about a typical American family in which the mother was a witch. I don't want to give anything away for those who may not have seen the show, but let me tell you, if the American Family Association ever sees this Bewitched show, the TVLand Network may have a boycott on their hands.

While, I was intent on watching Bewitched, the cable installer asked someone to join him in the bedroom. Because I was intent on watching my show, Bunny went. After about ten minutes, Bunny asked me if I wanted to join them in the bedroom, because the cable installer was flexible. I don't know what she meant by that, but it must have had something to do with our package, because we ended up with a lot more channels than I ordered.

Actually having cable was quite the experience. We had over 100 channels, and there was always something to watch, so long as you are a fan of "Price of Tides". I even found a show more risqué than "Bewitched". This show was called "I Dream of Jeanie". Not only did "I Dream of Jeanie" have the supernatural element of Bewitched, but added a decidedly Arabic flavor.

At the end of the first month, Dr. Maynard said that I had been watching TV long enough, and that the Sincmil News Network would no longer cover our cable bill. So, to Bunny's disappointment, I decided to cancel the cable.

I called up the local cable company and they again forwarded me to their national office. I told the operator I wanted to cancel the cable. She said to me, "I don't think you really want to cancel your cable." I assured her that I did. Then she said, "I don't think you really want to cancel your cable, just like I don't want really want to tell your wife that you ordered 'Finger my Anus 14'." I had to think about that for a minute. "Oh, was that 'Finger My Anus' number 14? I believe my wife is in that movie. She probably just wanted to see her performance." The operator just said, "oh" and cancelled my cable.

While the operator told me that the cable installer would not have to return to stop my service, she must have made some mistake. I came home early the other day to find the cable installer and Bunny in our bedroom. He told me that because we had been so nice to him, he was going to let us keep our cable for free, which I thought was good customer service. He also reiterated that he was flexible and offered to do me an additional favor. I told him he had already done enough, so he put on his pants and left.


New Government Mascot Shows Wastefulness

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

(SNN Washington) There is a new face joining the ranks of Professor Polar Bear, Deoxys the alien virus, monkey scientist Dr. E, and Washington D.C. Mayor Anthony Williams as well recognized, government sponsored, kid friendly mascots.

The concept of the Energy Hog is simple. If you are wasting energy in your home, you will attract the Energy Hog. Once the Energy Hog enters your house, he will watch you shower.

The Energy Hog is the brainchild of a Dallas-based advertising and promotion firm, TracyLocke. TracyLocke President Robert Chimbel believes the Energy Hog will become an icon "kind of like the dark side of Smokey Bear." It took TracyLocke two years to come up with the Energy Hog concept, leaving many onlookers to say, "Two Years, Seriously, WTF?"

But who is this Energy Hog? His name is Doyle. A seasoned character actor, Doyle played the villain in the Duke Nukem series of video games. "I was lucky to find the job," Doyle says. "I was afraid to by typecast, and you'd be surprised at how little work there is for an evil pig in the entertainment industry."

You'd be surprised at how little work there is for an evil pig

Doyle almost gave up on acting in the late nineties. "It was a tough time for me," says Doyle. "I had just had my part written out of Babe: Pig in the City, I was heavy into coke, and when I couldn't get the coke, I was drunk."

This is when Doyle became Born Again. "I started going to these church meetings, mainly because they had donuts. But as I sat there eating donuts, I started to listen. I thought I was messed up, but those people were deviants, much more f**ked up than me." It was though this group that Doyle got his first connections in the Republican leadership.


White House Counsel Chooses Herself

Monday, October 03, 2005

(SNN Washington) White House counsel Harriet Miers has never been a judge. Now she is in line to be the next member of the Supreme Court.

Miers had a key part in choosing herself.

Some say that the White House chose Miers because, who has no judicial record, because it would be impossible to pin down any bias on key issues. But this is only part of the reason why Miers was chosen. Miers had a key part in choosing herself.

The President gave Miers a long list of name of people he would nominate, and Miers removed all the dead people "Rick James, Bitch" and all the not-real people "Scooby Doo: He knows how to get to the bottom of a mystery." When she got done with the list, she then considered any names that she recognized.

But just how many names could Miers have recognized? The National Review's David Frum said that Miers had called the President the most brilliant man she had ever met. This suggests that the only person that Miers has ever met is President Bush.

the only person that Miers has ever met is President Bush.

Bush first met Miers in the 1980, when she served as his personal attorney. Given this experience, she is probably up to date on many aspects of statutes of limitation in many states, drunken driving laws, drug laws, and corporate bankruptcies. In 1996, President Bush called Miers "a pit bull in size 6 shoes", mostly because she had just bitten him on the ass.

Miers choice also brings up the question of nepotism. You may have noticed that Harriet Miers and her candidate, Harriet Miers, share the same last name, and thought that they are very closely related. This is true; they even share the same parents.


GM Exec Says Something about Coal

Sunday, October 02, 2005

(SNN Detroit) After a successful season for Toyota's hybrid vehicles, General Motors has announced a new emphasis on alternative energy vehicles.

Toyota is now widely considered the auto industry's technology leader

Because of Toyota's hybrid superiority, the company is now widely considered both the auto industry's technology leader and a friend of the environment. GM, on the other hand is considered a company that makes cars for old people.

GM executives have been wary of hybrid technology, mostly because they have no idea how to make it work. But now, they have decided the time is right. Robert Lutz, GM vice chairman, says that GM is "pouring on the coals" on the development of hybrid vehicles.

GM is "pouring on the coals" on the development of hybrid vehicles.

While GM has express enthusiasm towards the project, it still remains unknown if a gasoline, coal hybrid will work. One of the biggest problems with the gasoline, coal hybrid would be the need for the driver to "stoke" or shovel the coal into the engine while they tried to drive the car, put on makeup and talk on the phone.

Lutz went on to say that the reason GM tended to fail horribly was that they were just too darn smart, but customers were to dumb to buy them. "In the past, (GM) produced a lot of very excellent vehicles but somehow they didn't excite anybody," said Lutz. "I think our approach was much too rational and too analytically driven."


Unleashing Hell Unpopular in Mosques

Saturday, October 01, 2005

(SNN Washington) Yesterday, Boeing and Bell Helicopter apologized for a magazine ad published last month. The ad shows U.S. Special Forces attacking a mosque in their new Osprey aircraft.

The advertisement appears at a time when the image of the United States in the Muslim World is at an all time low. And for those who are not aware, the image of the United States in the Muslim world is not usually favorable, mostly due to the abomination of "Baywatch Nights".

The ad copy "It descends from the heavens. Ironically it unleashes hell" adds to the embarrassment of Boeing and Bell, who were also planning to sell the airplanes to Islamic countries.

Fortunately, the companies have found internal scapegoats to answer for the ad. Mike Cox, a Bell vice president, said the ad was developed by TM Advertising of Irving, Texas, and then initially released for publication by his company. "The bottom line is that the [Bell] people who approved this didn't have authority to approve it," Cox said.

Cox went on to say that the company did not actually hover an Osprey over a Mosque. This is probably a good thing, as the Osprey, which Congress just approved $19 billion dollars in contracts for, does not so much hover as fall out of the sky and become a fiery ball of death.