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The finger on the invisible hand

The Bush Monologue

Friday, March 30, 2007

(SNN Washington) This week, President Bush performed a monologue for the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Annual Dinner. However, at some point during his preparation it is believed that the president became confused on what constituted a monologue.

Below is an excerpt of the president’s performance.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, Brian. Laura and I are happy to be here. I'd like to thank the Radio and TV Correspondents Association for providing dinner tonight. And I'd like to thank Senator Webb for providing security. (Laughter and applause.)

I'm glad to see everybody here is enjoying themselves. Don't think I haven't noticed all the drinking that's been going on. (Laughter.) In my State of the Union address, I said we needed to increase the use of ethanol. (Laughter.)

Well, where should I start? I come from the "down there" generation. That is, those were the words-spoken rarely and in a hushed voice-that the women in my family used to refer to all female genitalia, internal or external (Stunned silence.)

It wasn't that they were ignorant of terms like vagina, labia, vulva, or clitoris...


Skippy Lives in a Car

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

By James Skippenofsky

Excuse me, NewsBlog 5000 readers, for my long absence. I was making a salad and things got a little bit crazy.

Recently, I was reading a story about a college student who was cutting costs by living in his car, so this week for Skippy Does It, I decided to live in my car, a Sebring convertible. I vowed that I would do everything in my car: sleep, cook, bathe, change my clothes, brush my teeth and go to the bathroom.

It can be amazing the tradeoffs you must make between comfort and survival when you live in a sport coupe. My library pretty much had to be left behind. I also found out it is nearly impossible to get the cable company to do an install in the 38th spot in the first row of the Wal-Mart parking lot. Because of this, I left my TV behind as well.

Things went really well for the first week. I had definitely cut back on costs, and I thought that if I could just stick it out a few more months, I could have my credit cards paid off. But then disaster struck.

In the back seat, I was cooking some eggs on my camp stove, when I suddenly had to use the facilities. I got my jar and went to the front seat, where I had discretely used my jar before. I must have taken too long because the eggs caught on fire and touched off the soft top of the car.

Thinking that I needed to do something to put out the fire, I pushed the button to open the roof, and the roof accordioned down, smothering the fire. I was feeling pretty good about myself and I was just about to pull up my pants when the bus full of grade-schoolers drove by. That pretty much ended my social experiment.

Now that I’m back into a bigger space, I do realize that some people are not meant to live in cars. I feel better for trying the experiment, but unfortunately, my rent is going to be higher for the next year, as the local jail charges $45 dollars a day.


Gonzales aide refuses to testify

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

(SNN Washington) Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales’s senior counselor refused to testify about her involvement in the firings of eight US attorneys, claiming her Fifth Amendment right.

Monica M. Goodling, on a leave of absence from the DOJ said she would "decline to answer any and all questions" about the firings because she faces “a perilous environment in which to testify.” One of Goodling's lawyers, John Dowd, said in a statement yesterday that "the potential for legal jeopardy for Ms. Goodling from even her most truthful and accurate testimony under these circumstances is very real."

House and Senate Democrats said they were disappointed that Goodling would not testify, and several raised questions about her motives. While it may seem like Goodling is an incompetent sycophant, putting her loyalty to a political party over the good of her country, that impression is incorrect.

What the Democrats do not understand is that Monica Goodling is a secret operative for the CIA, and outing her publicly would not only hurt intelligence gathering operations , but also the credibility of the Justice Department in its ability to deal with foreign countries.


Bondage Killer looks excessively creepy even for a guy who strangled a woman in a bondage video

Monday, March 26, 2007


Obama may be black after all

Friday, March 23, 2007

(SNN New York) Sen. Barack Obama was recently reunited with the closest of his childhood friends: a black man.

While it may not be significant that Obama has a black friend. His black friend, Keith Kakugawa, was just released from prison, has had drug problems and lives in a car. Mr. Obama declined to be interviewed about the conversation but said in an earlier interview that he recently became aware that Mr. Kakugawa had "serious issues."

Mr. Kakugawa claimed he had no idea that Sen. Obama was running for president until he saw him on television. "My father woke me up one Sunday morning and said, 'Barry's on TV!'"

Sadly, Kakugawa does not even own the car he lives in, but is borrowing it from a friend. It is parked just a few blocks from Skid Row.

Skid Row is an American Heavy Metal band. It is considered a forerunner to 1980s hair metal bands. Their hits include “18 and Life”, “Monkey Business” and “I Remember You”


Calvert DeForest 1921 - 2007

Thursday, March 22, 2007


Editor’s Note: It’s the Arts

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

This morning, I was so distraught over whether the House will issue subpoenas to Alberto Gonzales and Harriet Myers, two of the nation’s leading legal minds, that I let my driver actually drive me to work.

I have a television with an HD satellite in the back of my uparmored humvee, and I was moved by what I saw on A&E, the Arts and Entertainment channel. They were playing a rerun of my favorite television show “24”.

Now, I’ve never been a great fan of art. Most art is un-American and most of the artists who are American are gay. Now that has changed. It is impossible to even consider that a homosexual could work on “24”.

Now that I know that “24” can be considered art, I am planning to judge all art on how many people are killed and tortured. Take that Leonardo da Vinci.

I was so pleased with seeing the show, that I forced my driver to drive for an hour in a Southwesterly direction, to get the best dish reception.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000


Gonzales is F**cked

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

(SNN Washington) While prominent Republicans had been standing behind Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, support for Gonzales now appears to be evaporating. Rumors are now circulating that the White House is now searching for a new Attorney General.

When asked if Gonzales would be staying on until the end of Bush’s term, White House Spokesman Tony Snow answered “We hope so.” This has widely been heralded as the most honest thing Snow has ever said.

"The sands have been shifting pretty dramatically," a Republican said. “This guy is f**cked,” said another Republican.

Many people stress the importance for the administration to find a well qualified appointee. Possible replacements discussed for Gonzalez have included Jack Abramoff, Oliver North, I Lewis “Scooter” Libby and Tony Snow.


John McCain may have AIDS

Monday, March 19, 2007

(SNN Dubuque) John McCain was unable to answer questions by reporters, on the straight talk express, about preventing the transmission of AIDS. This suggests that John McCain does not know how to practice safe sex, which probably means he has aids.

When asked if he supported the distribution of taxpayer subsidized condoms in Africa to fight H.I.V., McCain mumbled quite a bit and stared at the ceiling. Then he said that he might know what his beliefs were. “Ahhh. I think I support the president’s policy,” the Senator said.

After more prompting, McCain let the bomb drop: “I’m sure I support the president’s policies on it.” This is a worst case scenario for a candidate. With one statement, the candidate has proved beyond any conceivable doubt that he has no frigging clue what he is talking about.

We cannot hope to imagine who or what John McCain may be having sex with. The answer may be well beyond the abilities of most humans to even comprehend. There is one thing we do know. He does not know how not to catch AIDS from it.


Mastermind confessed in Guantanamo

Thursday, March 15, 2007

(SNN Prague) Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, suspected of being the mastermind behind the 9/11 terror attacks, confessed to developing a series of terrorism plans during a military hearing at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

In all, Mohammed claimed responsibility for involvement in around thirty terror attacks, including many that were never executed. New agencies reported the number of attacks as 29, 30 or 32 depending on how quickly their interns skimmed the 26 page transcript of the hearing.

Not all onlookers are convinced that every operation confessed by Mohammed is genuine. Both Al Qaeda and the administration would gain a boost in popularity with the news of more terror attacks.

Some of the less believable plans in Mohammed’s confessions included stealing Prince’s name and replacing with a s symbol, blowing up an airplane with a shoe bomb, the assassination of a lion at the San Diego Zoo, painting white stripes down the backs of black cats and sex with Bea Arthur.


Pace taking shots from homosexual views

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

(SNN Teaneck) On Monday, Chairmen of the Joint Chiefs, General Peter Pace, told the Chicago Tribune that while he supported the “don’t ask don’t tell policy”, he thought that “homosexual acts between individuals is immoral”.

"I believe homosexual acts between two individuals are immoral and that we should not condone immoral acts," Pace said. "I do not believe the United States is well served by a policy that says it is OK to be immoral in any way."

Don’t ask don’t tell is a policy drafted by Colin Powell and approved during the Clinton administration. The policy attempted to offer gays and lesbians a position in the military. Basically what that means is that is someone of a superior rank asks a soldier a question like, “Are you tonguing my balls?” that soldier does not have to answer as it might give away his sexual orientation, and his mouth is too busy anyway.

In addition to his statements on morality, Pace gave indications that the vast resources of the military were already working on a way to fix the situation. For years, they have been working on an anti-homosexuality beam, or Gayzer. Upon entering the military, soldiers would be shot with the beam, which would make them fair skinned, blond, protestant and straight.


Editor’s Note: Why the Secret?

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

In an attempt to determine whether they can be tried in front of a military commission, at least three terrorism suspects received secret hearings.

A combatant status review tribunal determines whether a detainee is an "enemy combatant." Once foreign detainees are so classified, they may be charged and tried before a military commission. As a citizen, I find this appalling. Why would we have to hold secret meetings for terrorists? Instead of coddling them with hearings and military courts, we should act like real Americans.

These “suspected” terrorists should have to compete for their life on reality television, complete with live executions. It would be a morale booster for the American people, like watching Jack Bauer kick ass on 24.

How about real survivor? We could put ten of them on an island and wait for them to go all “Lord of the Flies.”

Let’s make a deal: If you give up information on Osama, we’ll give you a jet ski. Otherwise you’ll have to settle for the water board.

How about a dating game: Terrorists answer questions and go on dates with a really hot girl. Whoever impresses the girl the most gets to go on a cruise that ends back at his cell in Guantanamo. The other two are shot.

My favorite show idea is called “The Terrorist Whisperer with Lindy England.” Viewers at home would quickly learn how to use a choke chain.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000


Desert Louvre unpopular in France

Monday, March 12, 2007

(SNN Versailles) The Louvre museum has sold its name and agreed to lend the emirate of Dubai hundreds of treasures, on an island off the coast of Abu Dhabi.

French President Jacques Chirac described the deal as a way of bringing together what the “world considers a clash of civilizations” between Islam and the West. At $1.3 billion, it is the largest museum arrangement in French history.

Not everyone is happy with the situation. "Appalling!" declared Daniel Alcouffe, 68, an honorary curator of the Louvre who headed its decorative arts department for nearly two decades. He was then brutally murdered by an albino priest attempting to uncover the lost history of the descendents of Jesus Christ.

Fortunately, realizing that he had only a few minutes to live and that he must pass on his important secret, Alcouffe painted a pentacle on his stomach with his own blood, drewa circle with his blood, and dragged himself into the center of the circle, re-creating the position of Da Vinci’s Vitruvian Man. He also left a code, a line of numbers, and two lines of text on the ground in invisible ink.

A police detective, Jerome Collet, called Robert Langdon, a professor of symbology, and asked him to come to the Louvre to try to interpret the scene. Langdon did not yet realize that he himself was suspected of the murder.

Assisted by a French cryptographer and government agent named Sophie, Langdon is challenged to decipher a chain of cryptic codes and puzzles. Unless Langdon and Neveu can decipher the labyrinthine puzzle in time, the secret - and a stunning historical truth - will be lost forever.


Democrats hesitant to pull out

Friday, March 09, 2007

(SNN Washington) House Democrats vowed Thursday to pass legislation that would set a late 2008 deadline for withdrawal. The plan would hinge on removing funding from the Pentagon so that a troop presence of the current size would be impossible.

While a bill like this has a good chance of passing the House, with a large Democratic majority, in the Senate it would be unlikely to even come to a vote as Senators are traditionally more conservative on issues that could cost them their seat.

However, the White House does not support the plan. "It would unnecessarily handcuff our generals on the ground, and it's safe to say it's a nonstarter for the president," said White House spokesman Dan Bartlett. This is true: President Bush always listens to his generals. He fires them if they tell him something he doesn’t want to hear, but he’s never handcuffed one on the ground, probably because they would kick his ass in any hand-to-hand type situation.

At this point, the House Democrat plan seems to be drafting bills that cannot possibly pass in the Senate, which many see as wasting a lot of government time to make a statement. If they keep this up and are quiet on popular domestic issues, the Democrats could achieve a total withdrawal from the House by 2008.


Editor’s Note: Free Scooter Libby

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

I’m still having trouble understanding how a man so close to the Vice President could be found guilty of anything. It is nothing but a malicious leftist witch hunt designed to weaken our president in a time of war.

Libby, being a close confidant to Dick Cheney is, of course, a man of unimpeachable character. But why were these charges brought against him? It was because of the liberals that the Justice Department and the CIA who want to undermine the administration.

But I hear you asking “Why would the CIA and Justice Department turn liberal and attack their bosses?” The answer is the same as the reason why Democrats want the death tax: Jealousy. Yes, it is nothing but the dark malicious class war that the competent poor have against people who earned their positions honestly through the purest of methods: Cronyism and Nepotism.

This is, or course, not the last witch hunt in Washington, but it is also not the first. So let us bow our heads in a moment of silence for those unfairly accused for purely political reasons: Clarence Thomas, Newt Gingrich, G. Gordon Liddy, Oliver North, Duke Cunningham, Jack Abramoff, Mark Foley, Tom Delay, Ralph Reed, and many more.


Hillary: I like women

Tuesday, March 06, 2007


Colorado to make War on Drugs work

Monday, March 05, 2007

(SNN Colorado Springs) Colorado farmers may soon have another cash crop in their fields: inmates.

In a pilot program, Department of Corrections inmates will be supplied to harvest crops in the southwest portion of the state. Inmates volunteering for the work will make 60 cents a day.

But Ari Zavaras, executive director of the Colorado Department of Corrections, said the merit of a hard day’s work outdoors was invaluable to an inmate. “They won’t be paid big bucks, but we’re hoping this will help our inmates pick up significant and valuable job skills,” said Zavaras. The list of things the Inmate can pick up from this program is long. The inmates can pick up things such as sweet corn, peppers, watermelons, onions and pumpkins

A group calling for changes in sentencing, the Colorado Criminal Justice Reform Coalition is positive about the change. “This feels like the re-invention of the plantation,” said Christie Donner, the group’s executive director. “You have a captive labor force essentially working for their room and board in order to benefit the employer. This isn’t a job training program. It’s an exploitative program.”

It makes a romantic image. Rich Colorado farmers sitting on the porch of their plantation in white suits sipping lemonade or perhaps mint julep. In the fields, prison guards stand over the inmates with whips, encouraging good time management, as well as other important job skills such as how to dress for an interview.


Shinzo Abe denies comfort women

Friday, March 02, 2007

(SNN Yamaguchi Prefecture) Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe told reporters that there was no evidence of military coercion of up to 200,000 women sent to brothels. Members of Abe’s party have said that Japan should rescind apologies made in 1993.

Abe claimed there was “no evidence to prove” that comfort women had been coerced. Abe’s remarks contradicted documents found in 1992 which backed up accounts from soldiers and victims. The documents say that Japanese authorities set up brothels in response to rape sprees by Japanese soldiers.

Nationalist Japanese politicians claim that the women working at comfort stations were not coerced, but willing volunteers, taken from their homes at gunpoint, and forced to service dozens of men per day in exchange for room, board, beatings, disease, torture, and occasional mass murder. In addition they point out that Shinzo Abe services dozens of men per day: just as a hobby.

When asked outright if he really believed that no women were forced into sexual servitude during World War II, Abe answered, “War? I’ve seen no evidence of a war.” Asked if his statements might anger Korea or China, the Prime minister denied the existence of Korea and China. The Prime Minister then denied that he was giving an interview and demanded evidence to prove that he was not a chicken.


New York City bans popular slur

Thursday, March 01, 2007

(SNN Raleigh) New York City banned the use of the word “nigger” yesterday. It is the latest step in a campaign to take away the recent popularity of the racially charged word.

Once the domain of rap stars, the term is becoming more popular among young people. Surprisingly, regular use of one of the most reviled words in the language has upset some people.

Councilman Leroy Comrie, a sponsor of the moratorium, said the campaign against the word has gained strength since comedian Michael Richards spewed it in a racially charged tirade in Los Angeles. "The Michael Richards incident really brought it to another level. This dumb cracker has forced people to express their outrage. Many people had been seething quietly," Comrie said.

Some say that the ban was part of a bigger movement aimed at cleaning up New York so that the events of 1989 will never happen again. In 1989, the entire city of New York was undermined by a river of negatively charged slime. While the slime was ultimately defeated, it did lead to the rise of the evil Vigo Von Homburg Deutschendorf, and millions of dollars had to be spent returning the Statue of Liberty to Ellis Island. It is feared that at any time, the river of slime could flow again.

Vigo Von Homburg Deutschendorf was also known as “Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised, and Vigo the Unholy”. He currently is working for Rudy Giuliani’s 2008 campaign.