NewsBlog 5000
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NewsBlog 5000: Biggest Stories of 2006

Sunday, December 31, 2006

January 31, 2006: President Bush announces that the State of the Union is still strong.

February 22, 2006: Teenage Japanese girls still hot

February 25, 2006: Don Knotts dead at 81

March 07, 2006: Dick Cheney threatens Iran with Chuck Norris

March 31, 2006: Rep. Steve King promotes branding Congressmen with a scarlet A for allowing amnesty for illegals

April 01, 2006: Even Jesus wants to Bang Angelina Jolie

April 12, 2006: Music again found Satanic

April 26, 2006: John Lennon speaks from beyond the grave

April 29, 2006: Rush Limbaugh surrenders to police

May 06, 2006: Devil babies born, Damien is most popular name

May 07, 2006: President Bush reveals greatest accomplishment in office: 7.5lb Perch

May 16, 2006: Tony Snow plays jazz flute

June 11, 2006: Superman is not gay (mostly)

June 30, 2006: Chuck Grassley proposes sex worker tax

July 11, 2006: Geraldo reveals mafia plan to kill Geraldo

July 13, 2006: Man doesn’t get Onion article, claims that people just didn’t understand his humor

July 24, 2006: Democrat, U.S. Senate, Spousal Abuse, White Slavery, Harry Reid, Rapist

August 18, 2006: The appearance of the blessed virgin in a pile of chocolate

September 01, 2006: Aliens found in Roswell

September 17, 2006: Dustin Diamond releases sex tape

October 3, 2006: Gitmo Detainees gain weight from rich foods, lack of exercise

October 12, 2006: Wisconsin Sec. of State Candidate has tell all book about banging the Green Bay Packers

November 02, 2006: Bush demands Kerry apology for unclear speech

December 13, 2006: Administration warns against space terrorism

December 26, 2006: Saddam’s death sentence upheld


Editor’s Note: Let the Healing Begin

Friday, December 29, 2006

As of my writing of this article, Saddam Hussein is dead. Now that the back of al Qaeda has been broken, Iraq can finally come together as one country.

Now I’ve heard naysayers say that things are not going well in Iraq. In fact, I’m listening to Iraq Study Group member and former Secretary of State Lawrence Eagleburger on Fox News. He is telling us that the military is tired and things are not going well. Well, Mr. Eagleburger may be a career diplomat who worked with everyone from Henry Kissinger to George H.W. Bush, but I also have it under good authority that he enjoys a drink from time to time.

I also hear a lot of people saying that the President is about to send a “surge” of additional troops to Iraq. Now, to those people contemplating a surge, I would ask, “What part of stay-the-course don’t you understand?” It’s a straight forward simple talking point and it is only three worlds long. Most members of the administration can say it with no problem at all. Even the President gets it right most of the time. I predict that in the future, English will morph to include a new work like stathecorse to embody this simple principle.

In the French Revolution, one of the birthplaces of modern democracy, spectators to executions were allowed to take home body parts as souvenirs. I do not know what the plan is for Saddam’s body. Saddam’s lawyers are thinking that he will be buried in an unmarked grave. I’m hoping that they part it out and put it up on eBay. Say what you want about Saddam, but that guy had a big pair. I’m planning to bid on his scrotal sack. If I win, I’m going to have it stuffed and mounted in my game room.


Gerald Ford died in Wii Accident

Thursday, December 28, 2006

(SNN Demopolis) While authorities have been coy about the cause of Gerald Ford’s death, the Sincmil News Network has inside information that the cause of death was the Nintendo Wii.

While his family did not reveal the cause of death, sources close to the family have told a Sincmil reporter that the President was playing the new Nintendo Wii. Ford had a pacemaker installed in August, and playing the Wii with a pacemaker is expressly forbidden in the manual. Ford had just finished playing a round of golf and thought he would give Tennis a try. He went for the initial serve and banged his knuckles on a ceiling fan. The strap from the controller caught in the fan blades, and the President was pulled off his feet, spun around the room three times, and finally hurled into the wall at high velocity. He emerged from the incident unharmed, but then held the controller too close to his chest and pushed the A and B buttons at the same time, killing him stone dead.

Gerald Ford was the only President not elected to office. He was working as a Janitor at the time of the Spiro Agnew resignation. He was accidentally sworn in as Vice President. Because the Vice President traditionally doesn’t do that much, they had a good chuckle and Nixon decided to wait to replace him with a different Vice President “once this whole Watergate thing blows over." The joke didn’t seem that funny when Nixon resigned in August of 1974, and Ford became the president.

Over the years, many have tried to frame Fords presidency. Perhaps his legacy can best be summed up by the words of a former associate, Jessica Cutler, who called Ford “Married man who pays me for sex.”


Editor’s Note: We Did It!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

I would like to offer my heartfelt congratulations to Christians around the world who managed to have Christmas despite the War on Christmas started by the secular humanists. You are all the heroes of this war, but those who spent more on presents are maybe a little more heroic.

Now, I made the decision to shut down our publication over Christmas weekend. It is a decision I do not regret. However, I do wish that I had left note about our impending shutdown, as it has caused rumors to spring up.

Despite what you may have read in the tabloid rags, I am not James Brown. Although he and I shared a long relationship, and several people have pointed out they had never seen the two of us in the same room. The answer for this is simple. We prefered to speak over the phone, or more recently through text messages.

One of the theories about my time off is correct though. I spent yesterday in Boston Logan International Airport tracking the habits of TSA employees, and looking for possible terrorists. What I found was shocking. One female TSA agent took four breaks during a seven hour shift. This is a horrible waste of taxpayer money. Being pregnant is no excuse. She should have thought about her break time before becoming pregnant.


Saddam’s Death Sentence Upheld

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

(SNN Tokyo) During appeal today, Saddam Hussein’s death sentence was upheld by Iraq’s highest court. The court also said the former dictator must be hanged within the next 30 days.

Since the verdict, bookies around the world have been taking bets on exactly when Saddam will be executed. But gamblers hoping to get a clue from the courts will be sadly disappointed. “Any day could be the day,” the chief judge said in an obvious attempt not to skew early wagering. Some wagers are also being accepted on the location of the hanging.

Saddam was arrested in December of 2003. After refusing to turn himself in to police, he became the focus of a low-speed pursuit. He spent nearly an hour leading the 1st Brigade command of the US Army’s 4th Infantry Division through the streets of Tikrit in his white Bronco.

It was widely thought that Saddam might have escaped his guilty verdict if his lead defense attorney Johny al-Cochran would not have been kidnapped and killed. In protest to the assassination, Saddam led a hunger strike which lasted from June 21, 2006 until June 23, 2006, when the former dictator was presented with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a box of Ding Dongs.

What is not known is if Saddam had time while imprisoned to finish his latest book, “If I did it, how I would have killed all those Kurds.”

Sadly, this means that Saddam will not make it to the next St. Valentine’s Day, widely reported as being the former dictator and romance writer’s favorite holiday.


Editors Note: Run from the TSA

Friday, December 22, 2006

WOAI-TV, a San Antonio television station has received documents under the Freedom of Information Act claiming that 3,700 identification badges and uniforms have been lost by the TSA since 2003.

Frankly, that scares the hell out of me. This is just another reason why we don’t need a Freedom of Information Act. Why do we need the government assisting reporters to tell them things we don’t want to hear?

And of course the problem is caused by, once again, liberals. Los Angeles International Airport is missing 636 uniforms. I know you liberals have no work ethic and like to celebrate the end of the day, but for the sake of the country, can’t you keep your pants on until you get home.

But even the most American of Airports, Bush International Airport in Houston was missing 77 items.

So, thanks to the liberals, the next time I walk into an airport, the person asking me to take my shoes off is likely going to be a terrorist. Sadly, we live in a country where I wouldn’t be able to shoot that TSA officer if I was allowed to bring a loaded gun though the line. I guess the 2nd amendment doesn’t apply to airports.

Which leads me to ask: Why would they search me at all? I’m a rich, overweight, white man, the picture of a successful American. I might look like someone who would foreclose on your farm, but I’d never stick a gun in someone’s face to make the country afraid. If I stick a gun in your face, I want you to be afraid. They should be searching the people who look like terrorists, not me. In a right-thinking word, no one would even suspect I had a gun until it was too late.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Congressman pisses off Muslims

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

(SNN San Jose) Virginia Congressman Virgil Goode Jr. released a letter to his constituents warning that more Congressmen would request to be sworn in on the Koran unless he would be able to enact strict immigration policies preventing legal immigration from the Middle East.

The letter was specifically sent to constituents who contacted Goode about Congressman Keith Ellison, D-Minn, who wished to be sworn in on the Koran as he is a Muslim.

Goode can trace his American roots back to 1742, when his ancestor Muhammad Al-Zhari Goode arrived in the Virginia colony, threw down his prayer rug and bowed to the East. He considers anyone whose family arrived after the American Revolution an immigrant.

In his letter, Goode said, “When I raise my hand to take the oath on Swearing In Day, I will have the Bible in my other hand.” In fact, Goode always has a bible in his off hand, except when he is wrapping himself in the flag, which is a two handed exercise.

In addition, Goode spoke about his subscriptions. “I do not subscribe to using the Koran in any way.” However, the Congressman does subscribe to The Islamist and Jihadist Monthly.

Good believes that immigration must be reformed so that more Muslims will not become elected officials. Goode considers himself the perfect man to reform immigration. He is quite firm on the cause of America’s immigration woes: President Clinton.


Bush to reset military

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

(SNN Washington) Today President Bush announced a bold new plan. He is going to reset the military.

Asked about Collin Powell’s assessment of our current situation, the President said "I haven't heard the word 'broken,' but I've heard the word, 'stressed.' . . . We need to reset our military. There's no question the military has been used a lot.

An artist's rendition of the Reset Button

Yes, the President understands that just like a computer that hasn’t been restarted in a long time or a video game that’s gone all wrong, our military occasionally needs to be reset.

What many Americans don’t know is that every President is given what is called “Plan B”. Holding no relation to the emergency contraceptive of the same name, “Plan B” is an all-purpose time travel device that will let the President go back in time and correct previous mistakes.

The last time the reset button was used was in 1962 by President Kennedy. A small scuffle with Cuba turned to all out nuclear war. JFK pushed the reset button and the second time through was able to negotiate a compromise. Thus the Cuban Missile Crisis replaced the Destruction of the Southeast United States Crisis.

Yes, very soon the problems with the War on Terror will be erased, and with it our memory, as we will not remember our previous alternate history. And as long as President Bush studied the information on temporal mechanics the Clinton Administration left him during the transition of power.

It will be any minute now.

Really, it will.

Unless, of course, Bush has already gone back in time and this is the best possible was the war on terror could go. Or maybe he just never read the documents.

It should be right about…



Edwards Ready to Run

Monday, December 18, 2006

(SNN Washington) The 2004 Vice Presidential Nominee and TV Psychic John Edwards may again be running for the White House. In doing so, he will face stiff competition from the other announced candidates, Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack and Rep. Dennis Kucinich.

Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack claims he is the only Iowan who knows how to use a Blackberry.

The TV Psychic will do a special appearance in New Orleans, where a spirit will tell him that there is a P in his future. Possible a VP, but there’s definitely a P in there. The spirit will then ask it’s mother or cousin to not worry about it, because it is in a better place, than cannot really be defined, but rest assured, it’s very nice.

Now that Edwards has announced he will announce it is likely that the unannounced front runners, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, whose name coincidentally sounds like Iraq Osama, will not bother to announce until later. But this should stand as a warning to Sen. Clinton. Sometimes when you play hard to get for too long, someone younger and prettier steps in.

Some point out that at this point, worrying about who will run for President is purely speculative, as President Bush may just decide to appoint a successor.


Editor's Note: I'm so excited

Thursday, December 14, 2006

In just over a month, Jack Bauer will again show us how to defend democracy. Now I know that the Hollywood liberals will try to tell you that Jack is merely a fictional character. I bet they would tell a different story if Jack had just shot out their wife’s kneecaps.

Some people may say that there are Americans more heroic than Bauer. Even if that were so, it would be George Washington or maybe Chuck Norris. He would definitely be in the top three though.

If I had to pick Washington or Bauer in a fight, I would have to pick Bauer. Picture this: they are both in a rowboat on the freezing Potomac. It is a half mile swim to either bank. Bauer shoots a hole in the bottom of the boat. “Listen General, you’re going to tell me what I want to know, or we’re both going to freeze to death in this river.” Jack fires another shot.

Norris is a wild card though. It could go either way.

I’m sorry, I really can’t go on. I get so emotional when I talk about Jack Bauer.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000

Oh and as HillCountryGal reminded me, the actress that plays Chloe (Mary-Lynn Rajskub) was caught smooching Rush. However, the actress claims that the kissing did not lead to a physical relationship. Better luck next time Mary-Lynn.


Administration warns against space terrorism

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

(SNN Washington) The Bush administration warned today that threats by terrorist groups and other nations could threaten U.S. commercial and military satellites.

Undersecretary of State Robert G. Joseph, or some escaped mental patient that looked like him, asserted that the United States would use force to protect its satellites. "We reserve the right to defend ourselves against hostile attacks and interference with our space assets," Joseph said in prepared remarks to the George C. Marshall Institute.

"No nation, no state-actor, should be under the illusion that the United States will tolerate a denial of our right to the use of space for peaceful purposes," he said. He then asserted that to preserve the peace in space, space based missile systems may have to be set up.

Joseph also said terrorists might view the U.S. space program as "a highly lucrative target." It is also a very real danger that the Rocketollah will try to free his followers from our secret orbital prisons.

While, other have pointed out that terrorists have rarely attacked in space, it was not expected that terrorists would be able to take down the World Trade Center. And although we all try, who could forget Moonraker.

When asked about the need for a more detailed non-proliferation agreement, Joseph showed that he had a clear vision of the danger of space terrorism. "We should concentrate on real threats," he said.


Quality Reporting: Jim Rutz - The Big Picture

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Every once in awhile, we an NewsBlog 5000 find a piece of reporting so topical and so compelling that we ourselves do not think we can improve upon it. Today, we choose to honor Jim Rutz and his column, the Big Picture. This unimpeachable piece of journalism is reproduced below.

A devil food is turning our kids into homosexuals

There's a slow poison out there that's severely damaging our children and threatening to tear apart our culture. The ironic part is, it's a "health food," one of our most popular.

Now, I'm a health-food guy, a fanatic who seldom allows anything into his kitchen unless it's organic. I state my bias here just so you'll know I'm not anti-health food.

The dangerous food I'm speaking of is soy. Soybean products are feminizing, and they're all over the place. You can hardly escape them anymore.

I have nothing against an occasional soy snack. Soy is nutritious and contains lots of good things. Unfortunately, when you eat or drink a lot of soy stuff, you're also getting substantial quantities of estrogens.

Estrogens are female hormones. If you're a woman, you're flooding your system with a substance it can't handle in surplus. If you're a man, you're suppressing your masculinity and stimulating your "female side," physically and mentally.

In fetal development, the default is being female. All humans (even in old age) tend toward femininity. The main thing that keeps men from diverging into the female pattern is testosterone, and testosterone is suppressed by an excess of estrogen.

If you're a grownup, you're already developed, and you're able to fight off some of the damaging effects of soy. Babies aren't so fortunate. Research is now showing that when you feed your baby soy formula, you're giving him or her the equivalent of five birth control pills a day. A baby's endocrine system just can't cope with that kind of massive assault, so some damage is inevitable. At the extreme, the damage can be fatal.

Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because "I can't remember a time when I wasn't homosexual." No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can't remember a time when excess estrogen wasn't influencing them.

Doctors used to hope soy would reduce hot flashes, prevent cancer and heart disease, and save millions in the Third World from starvation. That was before they knew much about long-term soy use. Now we know it's a classic example of a cure that's worse than the disease. For example, if your baby gets colic from cow's milk, do you switch him to soy milk? Don't even think about it. His phytoestrogen level will jump to 20 times normal. If he is a she, brace yourself for watching her reach menarche as young as seven, robbing her of years of childhood. If he is a boy, it's far worse: He may not reach puberty till much later than normal.

Research in 2000 showed that a soy-based diet at any age can lead to a weak thyroid, which commonly produces heart problems and excess fat. Could this explain the dramatic increase in obesity today?

Recent research on rats shows testicular atrophy, infertility and uterus hypertrophy (enlargement). This helps explain the infertility epidemic and the sudden growth in fertility clinics. But alas, by the time a soy-damaged infant has grown to adulthood and wants to marry, it's too late to get fixed by a fertility clinic.

Worse, there's now scientific evidence that estrogen ingredients in soy products may be boosting the rapidly rising incidence of leukemia in children. In the latest year we have numbers for, new cases in the U.S. jumped 27 percent. In one year!

There's also a serious connection between soy and cancer in adults – especially breast cancer. That's why the governments of Israel, the UK, France and New Zealand are already cracking down hard on soy.

In sad contrast, 60 percent of the refined foods in U.S. supermarkets now contain soy. Worse, soy use may double in the next few years because (last I heard) the out-of-touch medicrats in the FDA hierarchy are considering allowing manufacturers of cereal, energy bars, fake milk, fake yogurt, etc., to claim that "soy prevents cancer." It doesn't.

P.S.: Soy sauce is fine. Unlike soy milk, it's perfectly safe because it's fermented, which changes its molecular structure. Miso, natto and tempeh are also OK, but avoid tofu.


Editor’s Note: Happy Days are here again

Monday, December 11, 2006

I’m happy to report that my good friend Tom Delay is back in the news again. Apparently someone (I’m not naming names) told him that any smuck with a credit card can be a blogger.

Tom has already taken time out of his busy schedule of skimming off the top of the marketplace of ideas to attack America’s two greatest enemies: Jimmy Carter and Kofi Annan. Although, in fairness, I must say that Tom did not so much criticize Annan directly as give a shout out to Michelle Malkin in a sort of congratulatory conservative circle jerk.

All I can say is that is one circle I want in on. Many is the nights that I have barely been able to sleep while imagining Michelle’s soft, self loathing, Asian flesh. Remember what I told you last year at the Pajamas Media picnic Malkin. Just say the word. I know that deep down you want it.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Kazakhstan to pitch a big tent

Sunday, December 10, 2006

(SNN Semipalatinsk) Kazakhstan is planning to build a flexible tent that will entirely encompass an indoor city within its capitol city of Astana. The tent would be 150m high and larger than 10 football stadiums.

The capitol of Kazakhstan was moved to Astana 10 years ago. Temperatures in the winter plunge below -30 degrees Centigrade or -239 degrees Fahrenheit. The materials of the tent will be designed to absorb sunlight and heat the indoor city to summer temperatures.

Upon completion, residents of Kazakhstan will be able to play outdoor tennis, go to the beach and enjoy outdoor sex in the dead of winter.

But the project does create some risk. There is a danger that in the summertime, the fabric will focus the rays of the sun into a high intensity laser that will fire randomly across central Kazakhstan and into parts of Russia. This laser will have the power to take down airliners, destroy small buildings and vaporize any animal smaller than a cow.


Bush Reads

Friday, December 08, 2006

(SNN Washington) Today President Bush spoke out about the Iraq Study Group report. While he is not promising to implement any of the recommended changes, he thought that it was important that people knew he had read the report.

"Some reports are issued and just gather dust,” said the President “And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it”

One reporter got a candid answer from the President after wondering if he knew how bad things were. The President answered him, “It’s bad in Iraq. It sucks big donkey dick bad. No mistake about it, it’s bad. This is worse than the time I was pulled over with all that coke. It’s so bad, they say they aren’t even going to let Jeb run for President.”


A New Product from the Sincmil News Network

Friday, December 08, 2006

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We pulped over 100,000 unsold copies of NewsBlog 5000 the Magazine and removed all the noxious chemicals. We then took the very finest of those chemicals and produced Dr. Ryan Maynard’s 5000 Smells, Natural Man Scent*.

We have already gotten great buy in from our nations celebrities. Mel Gibson, Andy Dick and Michael Richards have been almost (excuse me Mel) religious wearers of the scent.

Of course I endorse and use this product, but the best part is that just like me, Dr. Ryan Maynard’s 5000 Smells, Natural Man Scent comes by the gallon.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000

*Dr. Ryan Maynard’s 5000 Smells, Natural Man Scent has been known to cause confusion, night sweats and occasional racist or anti-Semitic rants.


Congress to work 5 days a week

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

(SNN Washington) Soon to be House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer recently made the statement that starting January 4th, Congressmen could expect to be working five day work weeks.

This legislative year saw votes no earlier than late Tuesday and most business wrapped up by Thursday afternoon. Hoyer wants the standard in the new year will require congressmen in the Capitol by 6:30 PM on Monday, and may have to stay as late as 2 p.m. on Friday.

However, not everyone is so happy with a five day work week. "Keeping us up here eats away at families," said Rep. Jack Kingston (R-Ga.), who typically flies home on Thursdays and returns to Washington on Tuesdays. "Marriages suffer. The Democrats could care less about families -- that's what this says."

Kingston also argued that staying away from work keeps him in touch with the common people. "When I'm here, people call me Mr. Congressman. When I'm home, people call me 'Jack, you stupid SOB, why did you vote that way?' It keeps me grounded."

While no one is disputing that Kingston is a stupid SOB, he may make a good point. For instance Rep. Debbi Wasserman runs her 7 year old’s Brownie troop meeting on Monday nights. Now she must decide which is more important: teaching seven year olds how to sew, or running the country.

To many Congressmen, this schedule represents a sort of bait and switch. It is quite possible that not all of them would have run for office if they knew they were going to be expected to work five days a week. Now their only choice is to work five days a week for a measly $165,000 or step down.


Editor's Note: No way, Jose.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

I am taking an opportunity to appeal to the chief demographic for NewsBlog 5000, people who consume an inordinate amount of liquor.

Tequila maker Jose Cuervo is asking us to try their new Cuervo Black Medallion Tequila. They say it is smoother than other Tequilas because it is aged in oak vats. They also say that it tastes great with cola. They have started a national advertising campaign with the tagline “Cuervo Black and Cola”. Look America, do not drink Jose Cuervo Black, and definitely do not do it with Cola.

There is no doubt that Tequila is one of the most dangerous substances on earth. After one to four shots, depending on tolerance and body weight, you go completely insane. Part of this insanity involves drinking as many as 20 more shots. But God, in his infinite wisdom has given us a mechanism to combat casual experimentation with the liquid, it’s vial taste.

By making smoother tequila and then encouraging others to dilute the taste in a sugary beverage, Jose Cuervo is driving our society towards the brink of anarchy. It’s ok if one or two people drink some tequila at a party, but imagine ten, or one hundred. We would have gangs of roaming tequila drunks insisting that they were ok to drive and kicking the ass of anyone who told them they should settle down.

This is not a future I want to see.

So I call on all good NewsBlog 5000 readers to boycott Jose Cuervo and instead stick with an American made product, Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey (Old No. 7). Not only is it a more American product, but it tastes good with a cola.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Bolton to Step Down

Monday, December 04, 2006

(SNN Washington) It appears John Bolton is going to become the second administration casualty after the midterm elections. While Mr. Bolton has not realized all of his plans for his appointment, President Bush says he is happy with Bolton’s service.

President Bush was unhappy with Bolton’s treatment, saying he was "deeply disappointed that a handful of United States senators prevented Ambassador Bolton from receiving the up or down vote he deserved in the Senate." President Bush has been outspokenly against the committee system within the Senate when Senate committees have voted against his initiatives.

While he has been a catalyst for change, Bolton’s main goal of reform within the United Nations has not been realized. His plan which involved pushing the UN building into the East River, was highly opposed by his fellow ambassadors. The opposition came partially because of difficulty of securing heavy earthmoving equipment inside New York City, but mostly because he wanted them to be inside the building at the time.

In a letter to Bush, Bolton offered no reason for his decision. "After careful consideration, I have concluded that my service in your administration should end when the current recess appoint expires," Bolton wrote. The administration now plans to send Bolton to a farm, where he can spend his days playing with the other walruses.


Rumsfeld: Let’s try something new

Saturday, December 02, 2006

(SNN Washington) Just days before he leaves the cabinet, Donald Rumsfeld has sent a memo to the Bush Administration. In the memo, Mr. Rumsfeld has asked for a very different approach in how the war is being fought.

Rumsfeld does his Great Carnac impersonation

In variance to earlier statements, Sec. Rumsfeld actually pointed to troop reduction as a possibility. The memo suggests several possible troop redeployments. Included in these redeployments are what are called “reverse imbeds”, where Iraqi troops would work in the field with American troops and ultimately be used as human shields. Rumsfeld says that this way the Iraqis can “pull up their socks,” which will put them in a position consistent with what he plans to do to them.

Mr. Rumsfeld also supports the radical idea of withholding reconstruction money from areas where the areas where fighting is stronger. Basically this would take a “Blow up the hospital I just rebuild once, shame on you. Blow up the hospital I just rebuild twice, shame on me” tactic to deciding where funds go.

Another option by the Secretary suggests the withdrawal of troops from “vulnerable positions” such as Baghdad and other Iraqi cities and redeploying them to safer areas such as Kuwait, the Welsh countryside, or perhaps upstate New York.

This new information begs the question of just exactly why didn’t the Secretary suggest these courses of actions while he still had enough time to implement them. It can only be guessed that while he was left in charge his ego grew so big, he could not see what was in front of his face.

Rumsfeld also borrowed a page from Saddam’s book on how to run Iraq. He suggested that the United States bribe key political and religious leaders to help them to rough times. This would join the other page Rumsfeld borrowed from Saddam’s book: torture anyone that may be sympathetic to my enemies.

The memo, obtained by the New York Times, also included a picture of President Bush having sex with a small dog. It is not known if this illustration was added by the Secretary of Defense, or at a later time.