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The finger on the invisible hand

Editor’s Note: Switch

Monday, April 30, 2007

Several moderate members of the GOP have announced that they will change their vote on the war spending bill if the surge does not prove successful.

Sen. Susan Collins of Maine said, “If the president's new strategy does not demonstrate significant results by August, then Congress should consider all options — including a redefinition of our mission and a gradual but significant withdrawal of our troops next year.”

Senators want to see clear results, and this is great news for the president. Sen. John McCain has already announced the surge a success. All we have to do to show these Senators success is give them whatever McCain is drinking.

But what moderate Republicans and even Bush loyalists like McCain are missing is that results from something like a troops surge cannot really be realized for 3 to 6 years. At that time, if the surge is not working, then we should definitely throw President Obama out of office.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000


Kucinich to Push for Impeachment

Thursday, April 26, 2007

(SNN Washington) Tonight, at the Democratic primary debate, Ohio Representative Dennis Kucinich announced plans to expand his impeachment plans.

In a bold move, Kucinich vowed during the debate to impeach everyone between him and the presidency. The candidate reportedly said, "I think there are millions of American people standing behind me, or at least they will be after I start putting dissidents in camps.”

Kucinich is unlikely to find much support for the measure on Capitol Hill, where the House must pass articles of impeachment by a simple majority before sending them to the Senate, where a two-thirds majority is required.

Criticized in the past for being weak and maybe a little gay, Kucinich has gained new confidence after obtaining a hot English wife. Kucinich said he believes it "is time someone in Congress stood up to do something for Dennis Kucinich.”


It's Florida, what do you expect?

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

(SNN Orlando) Florida State Senator Gary Siplin has discovered a way to stop teens from showing their thongs in public. The senator has sponsored the “Pull Up Your Britches” bill, which would give students a mandatory 10 day suspension for showing their underwear.

Someone in Florida has to stand for morality, and if Siplin, who was convicted for paying his campaign staff with state money, does not do it, then who will?

This bill could mean the end of education for many young girls who can not afford pants that go all the way up.

While many Floridians are in favor of this bill, they tend to be slow and uneducated. As evidenced by their support of Sen. Gary Siplin’s “Pull Up Your Britches” bill.


Editor’s Note: Touched by a Crow

Monday, April 23, 2007

Recently, Laurie David and Sheryl Crow shared a table with Karl Rove. During the dinner, Sheryl Crow put her hand on Karl’s arm. Karl responded, "Don't touch me."

Now, Karl is a dear friend of mine. On the 2004 campaign trail, I even put Karl up a few times. But I have to say it. Karl, Sheryl is not only highly hittable, but way out of your league. Your reluctance would lead someone to believe that you might have certain leanings, if you know what I mean.

From now on Karl, if you sleep over, I am going to keep my door locked. And Cheryl, if you are interested, call me.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000


Bowling continues to be an American classic

Friday, April 20, 2007


Quality Reporting: Lauren Green of Fox News – Did the Devil Make him do it?

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Every once in awhile, we an NewsBlog 5000 find a piece of reporting so topical and so compelling that we ourselves do not think we can improve upon it. Today, we choose to honor Lauren Green and her Fox News Article, “Did the Devil Make Him Do It?” This unimpeachable piece of journalism is reproduced below.

When unexplained violence takes center stage, we tend to turn to modern psychology to explain it.

But there is an alternative explanation, one that has been played out in film, stage and writings since the beginning of history.

Was Cho Seung-Hui schizophrenic … psychotic … manic-depressive? Or were the shooting deaths of 32 people, including Cho himself, at Virginia Tech University part of the ongoing struggle between God and Satan … good against evil … lightness and darkness?

Could Cho have been possessed by the Devil? Could that explain the massacre at Virginia Tech?

Dr. Richard Roberts, president of Oral Roberts University, shouts an unequivocal “Yes!”

“Based on what I’ve seen in the news," Roberts said in an interview, "there’s no doubt that this act was Satanic in origin."

Roberts added that he doesn’t know if it was Satanic “possession” or “oppression.” Possession, he said, occurs when Satan takes over a person’s life, and the person’s actions are dictated by demonic possession within. Roberts says he’s seen this type and has seen the Devil cast out of a person.

Satanic “oppression," on the other hand, is "that which comes against." "It’s not in a person, but is coming against them, trying to put evil thoughts in their minds,” Roberts said.

He said that the evil thoughts in Satanic oppression can be fairly innocuous, or they can be harmful. And the oppression can be in the form of fear, depression or discouragement, he said, because “Satan comes to kill, steal and destroy.”

Roberts says we’ll never know whether Cho was "possessed" or "oppressed," because the killer has died. But he did leave a note blasting everyone around him, calling them “rich kids,” and “deceitful charlatans,” and then blaming them, saying “you made me do this.”

Roberts describes Cho's writings as “just words,” and says words are one of Satan’s tools to bring about Man’s destruction.

In Judaism, however, there is no belief in a supernatural evil and no belief that demon possession is at the heart of what happened in Blacksburg on Monday.

Rabbi Peter Rubenstein from New York’s Central Synagogue, says, “… Every human has two inclinations, one to do evil and one to do good…. Our hope is the individual tries to access the inclination to do good. There is a balance." But, he said, evil is done "when we enter that other side.”

Rubenstein is convinced that Cho, who reportedly was taking anti-depressants, may have been sick.

"Every human being has the ability to control that kind of rage," Rubenstein said. "This is a person that lost contact with anything decent in their lives, including their own inclination to do good.”

It’s not only theologians who talk of evil. A new book by psychologist Philip Zimbardo, “The Lucifer Effect: Understanding How Good People Turn Evil,” offers a perspective that may shed light on Cho’s inner demons.

"The Lucifer Effect" is based on the Stanford Prison Experiment of 33 years ago. It exposed how the prison environment creates evil and violent behavior, like at Abu Ghraib. It also explained the group or systemic evil that occurred under Hitler, communist regimes and during the genocide in Rwanda.

Zimbardo says there are prisons that are not confined to a place or building — emotional prisons of “normal” individuals that can create aberrant and evil behavior. Whether that prison is shyness, loneliness, anger or hate, it can grow and manipulate an individual into believing his only course of action is to break out, using any means possible, including violence.

In the case of Cho, he said, the “rich kids,” the “deceitful charlatans" and the women who rejected him may have been people he saw as his “jailers,” the wardens responsible for his emotional incarceration. Cho vilified them, found them guilty of great offenses and then methodically executed his warped sense of justice: the murders of 32 people.

Atheists don’t believe in the Devil or demonic possession, but there is some respect for the theological idea of evil. Michael Shermer, editor of the Skeptics Magazine, acknowledges Christianity’s take on Satan has a great deal of weight to it. “Religion figured out long before science the pervasiveness of man’s 'vil'side, that’s why they created so many rules," he said.

Shermer, of course, doesn’t believe in anything like demon possession. And surprisingly, he has an unlikely man who almost agrees with him: Rev. Robert H. Schuller, founding pastor of the Crystal Cathedral, who says he’s “not prepared to give the Devil credit for insanity.”

In addition to his theological accolades, Schuller has a background in psychology. He says of Cho: “I think it’s pure psychotic crack-up.

“I’m not denying that Satan himself could have been in this act. I’m just saying if he was, I’m not giving him credit for it.”

But the scenario of demonic possession fits neatly in the Christian paradigm. It says the whole of human existence is predicated on the narrative of man’s fall from Grace in the Garden of Eden, after Satan’s temptation of Adam and Eve, and that wherever there is good, there is Satan trying to destroy it.

The battle of good vs. evil in all of us is not a simple choice between two forks in a road, but a cosmic war being waged over our souls.

Says Dr. Richard Lints of Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary: “The lesson, I think, is that when we don’t take our own evil seriously, we are much more liable to perpetrate acts of evil.” .


Enraged Bollywood Fans call for death of Richard Gere

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

(SNN New Delhi) Richard Gere’s repeated kisses of Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty sparked protests in India.

Wishing to calm tensions, local television stations played Gere’s embraces repeatedly. Groups burned and kicked effigies of Gere in protest across India. This goes to show how different culture is in India vs. the United States, where George Clooney is more likely to be burned in effigy.

The embraces prompted some people to call for the actors’ deaths, claiming that Gere’s actions were an outrage against Shetty’s modesty. Shetty was the winner of the "Celebrity Big Brother" reality TV show in Britain this year.

Ironically, Gere had protected Shetty’s modesty earlier backstage when he abided by her request “not in the butt.”


US Calls for Hybrid Force

Monday, April 16, 2007

(SNN Khartoum) The United States urged Sudan to accept U.N. troops as part of a hybrid peacekeeping force for Darfur. However, the program has some detractors.

U.S. Deputy Secretary of State John Negroponte told a news conference a hybrid force made up of African and U.N. troops was critical to peace in Darfur. "We must move quickly to a larger hybrid United Nations-African Union peacekeeping force with a single unified chain of command that conforms to U.N. standards and practices."

However, detractors to the plan say that hybrid vehicles will do little good in Darfur. There are few paved roads where peacekeeping forces will have to go, and many complain that larger hybrid vehicles save little fuel.

Plans have not yet been released to the press, but the force will be anywhere between 3,000 and 20,000 troops, all driving Ford Escape SUV Hybrids.


Kurt Vonnegut 1922-2007

Wednesday, April 11, 2007


Man starts second blog about his cat

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

(SNN Champlain) Does Illinois cat, Mr. Fitzie rate two blogs? His owner and Executive Producer, Henry Rockfeller says, “Yes!”

Henry J Rockfeller, Jr. started his popular blog, “Mr Fitzie’s Thoughts”, in December of 2004. Not only had the blog been successful, but now, Rockfeller says it’s time to expand.

“I’ve always enjoyed writing down Mr. Fitzie’s thought and observations on life, but lately, I’ve thought that it’s time for Fitzie to use his celebrity for more important things. This caused a bit of confusion for readers who were more focused on mousing, drinking from the toilet and spraying oriental rugs. ”

The new site, Mr. Fitzie’s week in review will present the cat’s feeling about hard hitting news issues, such as the War on Terror and Guest Worker programs. Rockfeller says he is enthusiastic about where this could take Mr. Fitzie.

“Fitzie’s a Libertarian at heart, even though he voted for President Bush in the last two elections. Now he’s re-examining his decisions and beliefs. It should make for compelling reading. “

However, some cat enthusiasts say that Rockfeller has been putting words in Mr. Fitzie’s mouth. “I don’t think the real Mr. Fitzie cares about John McCain’s trip to Iraq,” says longtime reader Marge Blatasts. “Seriously, Mr. Fitizie drinks out of the toilet. Should we listen to his opinion on body armor?” says reader and inmate Fred Hersh.

Mr. Fitzie has recently caused controversy with his support of Don Imus.


Bush pushes to end immigration logjam

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

(SNN Boston) Today’s Boston Globe features an article entitled “Bush pushes to end immigration logjam”. This is a compelling headline because it suggests the president is having anal sex with illegal aliens.

Anal sex with aliens is a long documented event. However, it is usually space aliens, and they are usually the ones doing the pushing. Usually, they do this to spread their alien seed, which is only effective when entering through the back door.

However, the suggestion that illegal aliens could procreate via anal sex is a new one, but may go far in explaining paranormal phenomena such as Alberto Gonzalez. While no one denies Gonzalez is a citizen of the United States, circumstantial evidence suggests that he may be descended from aliens. The only question that remains is: when Gonzalez serves at the pleasure of the President, is he the pitcher or the catcher.

Editor’s Note:
The editors of Newsblog 5000 would like to apologize to the entire world for that last article. Don’t bother writing in, we know, it was in poor taste and we are sorry. So, let’s discuss something less offensive. Hey, did you here that Apple sold 100 million iPods. That’s a whole lot of iPods.


Editor’s Note: Baking Soda, the silent killer

Friday, April 06, 2007

I have been criticized in the past of not giving props, or kudos, to members of the Democratic Party. It is in this spirit that I would like to congratulate St. Louis Representative Talibdin El-Amin.

El-Amin has come up with an intriguing way to stop the proliferation of crack cocaine. He wants baking soda, a key crack ingredient, to be sold behind the pharmacy counter, like cold medicines which are used to make meth. Buyers of baking soda would have to give a picture ID and sign a book whenever making a purchase of the white powder, or “hammer”, as it is called on the streets.

Unfortunately, the liberals at the DEA are against it. "When you generate a list of people who use baking soda, it pretty much includes everyone. It's a common household item," Tom Murphy, a special agent with the St. Louis division of the Drug Enforcement Administration.

I would remind Tom Murphy that this country has been fighting a war on drugs for decades now, and due to the stewardship of the DEA, drug use is worse than ever. Maybe, it is time for the DEA to stop sampling their evidence and do their jobs.

I do not think we as Americans will truly be free until the purchase of every household item and food requires the use of a photo ID and cataloging. Except of course for guns and ammunition, they are guaranteed to us in the First Amendment.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000


Thompson kicks off presidential bid

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

(SNN Milwaukee) Today Tommy Thompson officially kicked off his campaign for President. He has promised to bring “common sense” to conservatism. Thompson is best known for his threat to poison the U.S. food supply while he was secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

At the rally, Thompson laid out his plan for Iraq. Thompson called for an Iraqi government vote on whether U.S. troops should remain. He said Iraq should set up self-governing provinces to operate under the national government. And he said the country should split up oil profits three ways: one-third to the federal government, one-third to provincial governments and one-third to the populace, who he would then poison.

In the spirit of common sense, Thompson is expected to spend several million dollars and drop out of the race before the primaries.


McCain shows surge is working

Monday, April 02, 2007

(SNN Baghdad) Sen. John McCain has claimed that the recent increase in troops is working. On March 23th, The Senator claimed to radio host Bill Bennett there “are neighborhoods in Baghdad where you and I could walk through those neighborhoods, today.” Now he has proved it by walking through a neighborhood market.

Senator McCain’s walk also proves an important point: the troop surge was needed. When he walked through a Baghdad market, he was accompanied by 100 soldiers and five helicopters. Between these troops and the manpower necessary to support them, McCain’s walk alone utilized 2% of the 20,000 soldiers called up in the troop surge.

This may seem like more security than someone would need in a place they had deemed safe. However, this is typical of McCain. On a recent trip to Phoenix, AZ, McCain was accompanied by three hundred soldiers and twelve helicopters.

In other news, the Senator has announced plans to replace his famous “Straight Talk Express” bus with three M1 Abrams tanks. McCain claims this is just a standard security measure as Iowa farmers are known to have pitchforks, often covered in manure.