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The finger on the invisible hand

Lebanese Government Quits Amid Protest

Monday, February 28, 2005

(SNN) In Lebanon, Prime Minister Omar Karami’s pro-Syrian government has resigned. This follows a demonstration in downtown Beirut by tens of thousands or protesters. Some say that this is the result of political pressure brought on by the assassination of former Prime Minister Rafik Hariri, one of Lebanon’s most popular political figures.

There were an estimated 10,000 to 60,000 Lebanese citizens in the streets

There were an estimated 10,000 to 60,000 Lebanese citizens in the streets, defying a ban against demonstrations. The demonstrators broke into singing the national anthem upon hearing the news of the resignation. They handed red roses to police and soldiers and yelled “Syria Out”.

Karami expects God will preserve Lebanon

This resignation follows a growing movement amongst the Lebanese legislature for a no confidence vote in Karami’s government. In announcing the resignation of his government, Karami said it was an honor to head the government and he expects God will preserve Lebanon. He added that the protesters could “Have the damn country if you think you can do a better job.” He also suggested that his successor “should be prepared to kiss a whole lot of Syrian ass.”

Syria’s immediate reaction was non-committal, claiming that it was Lebanon’s internal affair. Despite increasing pressure on them from the U.S. to remove their troops, Syria denied any involvement in the resignation of the pro-Syrian government. Many have stated that this would be an ideal time for Syria to start pulling its 15,000 troops out of Lebanon, in case Syria is the target of the mid-term election invasion.


Offensive Comedian to Host Oscar

Sunday, February 27, 2005

(SNN) One of the most dangerous and controversial comedians today, Chris Rock, is scheduled to host the Academy Awards. This is a sad day for Hollywood, as Rock is too conservative to represent Hollywood and the movie going audience.

Rock is too conservative to represent Hollywood

First off, Rock obviously believes that it is sensible to take money for a job that you do not believe in. Rock has said that he would not watch the Oscars and furthermore he believes that no strait self-respecting black man would either. He even goes as far as to call the ceremonies and nominations “idiotic”.

Unlike many Republicans though, he supports saving money

Rock is completely out of touch with the Hollywood community. He is against any kind of gun control. His statements against abortion blame pregnant women for frivolously throwing away human life. It is well known that the liberal Hollywood community accounted for 88% of the abortions in the U.S. last year. Slate Magazine recently called Rock, “The William F-ing Buckley of stand-up”. Unlike many Republicans though, he supports saving money over spending large amounts on narcissistic possessions, like Iraq. Perhaps he is a libertarian?

Many have feared that putting such an arch-conservative in charge of a Hollywood institution would impinge on its decorum. Fortunately, Matt Drudge and Fox News have taken up the gauntlet to protect the dignity and virtue of Leonardo DiCaprio, Nichole Kidman, and that guy from “Supersize Me”.

Rock is best known in film for his role in “Pootie Tang”.


Many Stand Against State of the Union

Saturday, February 26, 2005

(SNN) In last year’s State of the Union address, amongst the news on the war on terror and the war efforts in Iraq, President Bush made an unbelievable statement. Bush accused some professional athletes of using illegal steroids.

Bush accused some professional athletes of using illegal steroids.

In the statement, President Bush said, “To help children make right choices, they need good examples. Athletics play such an important role in our society, but, unfortunately, some in professional sports are not setting much of an example. The use of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids in baseball, football, and other sports is dangerous, and it sends the wrong message - that there are shortcuts to accomplishment, and that performance is more important than character.”

While many in the political world treated his message with confusion, many of the people who follow sports were outraged. It seems impossible that a mere politician could challenge such unimpeachable role models. Who would dare accuse men such as Barry Bonds, OJ Simpson, and Kobe Bryant of miscreance or wrongdoing?

Jose Canseco has even gone as far as to accuse President Bush

Jose Canseco has even gone as far as to accuse President Bush of knowing about steroid use going on when he was a co-owner of the Texas Rangers. But if this were true, it would mean that either the President was lying, or that he was a puppet, a proxy, a pawn, some dumb jerk who can be easily pushed around.

Many have pointed out that one the most powerful members of the Republican Party, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, is an admitted steroid user. ESPN Radio’s Colin Cowherd asked recently, “If used in moderation, how bad could [steroids] be? Look what it did for (Governor) Schwarzenegger.” Cowherd has many times compared steroids with alcohol and cigarettes.

Now, Governor Schwarzenegger has publicly stated that he has no regrets about his steroid use because steroids were legal at the time he took them. “We went to the doctor and did it under doctors' supervision. We were experimenting with it. It was a new thing. So you can't roll the clock back and say, 'Now I would change my mind on this.” But Cowherd and others like him are selling a skilled man like Governor Schwarzenegger short. Even if he had not been Mr. Universe, Schwarzenegger could have simply started his acting or political careers earlier.


Go Ask Alice

Friday, February 25, 2005

We are happy to see Alice back from her “Vacation” and proud to bring you a new “Go Ask Alice”.

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


I am a 27 year old virgin. I have never had sex or even been in a relationship before. I’ve started seeing a girl, and it seems there may be a remote chance that we may end up sleeping together. She knows I am a virgin, but I am still afraid that I will be too nervous and awkward. I realize my first time will probably not be perfect, but I want to give the girl some pleasure. Your help and advice would be appreciated.

Ian E


Do you have access to a laptop with a pencil eraser mouse? If you do, practice moving the mouse with your tongue. If can’t get one, you may want to try a computer store. Any men working in the store will probably understand and leave you alone, and women working in the store may even offer you additional guidance. And, if you can become used to performing oral sex on a computer in public, you probably will be able to handle any embarrassment during your first time. If you try this in a computer store, you may want to clean the keyboard first.



I have been dating this man for a few weeks. We have only had sex once. When I got his clothes off, this guy was the hairiest man I had ever seen. His pubic region was so hairy, I could barely find his penis. I have been putting off seeing him now for a week, but I will have to see him again.

Julie R


Do not be embarrassed to tell him how you feel. Ask him if you can help him with his problem, and even offer to help with hard to reach places. If you aren’t up do doing this, or if he says that he wants to stay the way he is, buy him an expensive bottle of shower gel and replace the gel with a hair removal lotion.



Canada may be Incapable of Self-Rule

Thursday, February 24, 2005

(SNN) Speaking in French, Canadian Prime Ministers Paul Martin announced today that Canada will not be participating in the U.S. Missile Defense shield. The prime minister said the decision was made following extensive discussions with Foreign Affairs and National Defence.

Canada will not be participating in the U.S. Missile Defense shield

The missile defense shield has proven unpopular among Canadians. Its detractors believe that the shield will lead to a new arms race and the weaponization of space. “Canada will continue to work with the U.S. for the common defence of North America, but our efforts won't be concentrated on missile defence,” the prime minister said.

United States Ambassador to Canada, Paul Cellucci was quick to point out that if Canada did not join the program, it would be signing away the ability to make its own decisions. "We simply cannot understand why Canada would in effect give up its sovereignty - its seat at the table - to decide what to do about a missile that might be coming towards Canada,” Cellucci said. He went on to repeat several times that Canada had given up a piece of its sovereignty. "I personally don't think it's in Canada's sovereign interest to be outside of the room when a decision is made about a missile that might be incoming towards Canada."

"We really don't get it," Ambassador Cellucci told reporters in Ottawa.

It is unclear after this de facto surrender of their sovereignty, if Canada will be allowed to make its own decisions in the future. Indeed, they must be crazy not to put time and energy into a program that spends $9 billion a year and may someday have a successful test, but for some reason insist on protecting their country though better border security and a larger military. "We really don't get it," Ambassador Cellucci told reporters in Ottawa.

U.S. officials have indicated they didn't really need Canada's help. The U.S. is not seeking to base missiles in Canada and is not looking for a financial contribution to the program. It also does not need Canada's participation to continue with the program. But political support to sell the plan abroad would have been appreciated. It is estimated that because of their lack of participation, over 2000 ballistic missiles will hit Canada this year.


A Small Group of Dedicated Citizens Fight Old People.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

(SNN) A group that calls itself USA Next has gone on the offensive against the nation’s largest group of elderly people, the AARP. The all ages group plans to protect seniors from the dangers of social security and health care.

The organization will have a long way to go. It currently has only 1.5 million members to AARP’s 35 million members. The organization’s detractors have said USA Next is an organization promoting right wing doctrine over the good of seniors. But fortunately, they have enlisted several of the high-money advertising consultants from Swift Boat Veterans for Truth to bring an air of legitimacy to their movement. Also, they have been given the blessing of Bill O'Reilly, whom they call a “megastar”.

AARP will destroy social security, raise your taxes, and bankrupt the government

An essay on USA Next’s web site proclaims, “The harm AARP can do to young Americans is immense and cuts across multiple generations. Grandparents and parents, you need to understand this and get busy stopping them and protecting your children and grandchildren. Remember, harm comes in many disguises.” They also want to put a stop to AARP’s “fear mongering”

The platform is clear. Far from being a puppet organization set up by neocons who what to destroy Social Security, USA Next merely wants to raise awareness among current AARP members. They want AARP members to understand that AARP will destroy social security, raise your taxes, bankrupt the government, kill our soldiers, wipe out fraud in Medicare gap programs, make drugs more expensive, promote universal healthcare, force members into homosexual marriages, and kill their member’s grandchildren. They also claim that AARP’s insurance and hotel discounts suck and that AARP members will soon be unable to buy discounted coffee.


Google’s Take Over of World May Exclude France

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

(SNN)Last autumn, Google announced that it would be digitizing and making searchable millions of books from some of the worlds largest libraries. Now one librarian has yelled foul.

Google announced that it would be digitizing and making searchable millions of books

Interestingly enough, the outcry comes not from the book publishers, or librarians yearning to involve more people in the experience that a book has to offer, but from France. Jean-Noel Jeanneney, who leads France’s national library, says Google's choice of works is likely to favor Anglo-Saxon ideas and the English language.

"I favor a multi-polar view of the world in the 21st century," Jeanneney told Reuters. "I don't want the French Revolution retold just by books chosen by the United States. The picture presented may not be less good or less bad, but it will not be ours."

Ironically, what Jeanneney does not realize is that the French spoke American English throughout the French Revolution. During their war for freedom, the common people considered the French language too unwieldy and condescending to properly manage such a societal upheaval, while the nobility spoke Russian. The French people may have well learned the bitter taste of defeat had they rested on their native tongue.

The French spoke American English throughout the French Revolution.

Jeanneney wants Europe to develop its own online library program and Internet search engines in order to protect French and other European languages and culture from American influence.

This declaration comes just as President George W. Bush arrives in Europe. In a time when Bush and French President Jacques Chirac were hoping to move Franco American relations closer, it now seems unlikely Bush will visit the French national library.


US denies Syrian Brunch

Monday, February 21, 2005

(SNN) Syrian Foreign Affairs Assistant Secretary Walid Moalem asserted his country’s ambassador to the US would not be recalled despite being refused admission to a champagne brunch at the White House to which he had previously been invited.

We will not recall our ambassador to the US

Moalem’s comments appeared in a Cairo newspaper just four days following the US State Department’s recall of the Ambassador to Syria, Margaret Scobey. “We will not recall our ambassador to the US because I believe its diplomat will brief North American authorities on the principles Syria defends”, noted Moalem.

The Foreign Affairs assistant stated that the brunch was very important to the Ambassador as bacon is extremely difficult to find at Syrian functions following the triumph of the Islamic Revolution led by Ruhollah Khomeiny. Moalem went on to say that the Ambassador was very fond of the muffins made by the Whitehouse pastry chef.

bacon is extremely difficult to find at Syrian functions following the Islamic Revolution

Thursday, US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice asserted the White House could use the force against Syria. “We seek to diplomatically resolve the dispute with Damascus but we do not rule out the use of the force,” Rice stated.

President George W Bush said the invitation to brunch was cancelled as a result of Syria acting in disagreement with the Middle East situation.


Metrosexual Backlash

Monday, February 21, 2005

Metrosexual, it was the big term of last year. The world reeled in horror when men started wearing makeup, streaking their hair with highlights, and going to spas. Learning style, art and fashion from homosexual men, these metrosexuals are glorified in television shows such as “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”. Now there is a growing movement against these men.

Metrosexuals are glorified in television shows such as “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”

Flint Rockhard is a metrosexual hater. He is a striking figure, six feet tall with a buzz cut and a weather hardened face, wearing a denim shirt and chain smoking camel cigarettes with the filters torn off. Flint has suffered for his beliefs. He has had to learn to cut his own hair, he has changed his name, he has removed all the comfortable clothes from his wardrobe, and he has had plastic surgery to roughen his face.

Flint leads the group Heterosexuals Against Metrosexuals (HAM). “We reject anyone that uses more than three hair products and actually calls them products,” Flint says. A meeting of HAM makes a meeting of a steelworker’s union look like a senior prom.

“We reject anyone that uses more than three hair products and actually calls them products”

But there are others that are against the Metrosexual movement. Andrew Demeyer is a homosexual man who does not appreciate the metrosexual movement copying homosexual style. “I can understand why they would want to be fabulous, but I don’t know why they have to look like us,” Demeyer said. Demeyer also has a much more practical reason for disliking the metrosexual movement. “Not all of us have this magic ‘gaydar’. The last ten men I have tried to take home have been straight.” Demeyer’s group Homosexuals Against Metrosexuals (HAM) plans to file a complaint with the ACLU.

Others say that the meterosexual movement should be left alone. They say that if these men are left to their own devices they will soon loose interest in fashion and hairstyles, and the metrosexual will go the way of bell bottoms.

Adrian Chevelle, Arts & Leisure


Editor’s Note: Finding Alice Humbees

Monday, February 21, 2005

Adrian and I have returned, and we have brought with us Alice Humbees. We at NewsBlog 5000 would like to apologize to all those who were injured both physically and emotionally during her capture, especially Ward Churchill.

We had originally thought that Alice was heading for Mexico, and that was her intention, but in her addled state, she somehow ended up at Ward Churchill’s press conference last Tuesday. Because of her comments, and the altercation that ensued, she was taken in by the Colorado State Police. We also would like to thank C-Span for editing her out of their broadcast.

We were unable to catch up to Alice in Colorado, as she had been released before we could get there, but by that time, she was out of gas and scotch. As far as we can tell, she began hitchhiking south to Las Vegas, where she was parking cars in the Imperial Palace. After her destruction of a Lexus SUV due to flash flooding and a badly timed nap, Adrian and I found her fleeing the parkade, soaking wet. Only pausing briefly for a buffet and a few megabucks plays, we returned her to the NewBlog 5000 offices.


Editor’s Note: Emergency Shutdown

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

It has been a hectic week here at NewsBlog 5000. I must apologize to you, our readers as we are going to be forced to shutdown for a couple of weeks. I can assure you, however, that this shutdown comes as just as much a sadness for me as it does for you. I was very much hoping to get the scoop on the story of the Iraqi spammers who were promising increased penis size for those voting in the elections.

I will briefly give you a rundown of the situation in which we find ourselves. I know it may seem unprofessional to air the dirty laundry of our little company, but as professional journalists, airing dirty laundry is what we do best.

To start out with, I was called away for some high level meetings in the Scranton offices of the Sincmil News Network. Therefore, I had to make a quick decision on who was going to fit my rather ample chair.

Perhaps in retrospect, I should have picked our intern Skippy. He does write the lion’s share of our articles, and seems very calm around the office. But, I decided to promote Adrian Chevelle to assistant weekend editor. To the casual observer, Chevelle would make the ideal editor; he is a professional man of leisure that has to nominally hold down a job to receive money from his grandfather’s trust fund.

What I did not adequately predict was that this would put Skippy into a funk, and he would not be able to write no matter how coerced. While this constitutes insubordination, it is hard to fire Skippy as his position is not paid.

But this is not the reason for our shutdown. Adrian tried to take up the slack and although his skills lean more towards the public interest pages, he managed to deliver a story yesterday.

Sadly, while trying to keep the news fresh, Chevelle forgot to handle one of his main responsibilities; that of keeping Alice Humbees from my liquor cabinet. Now, I don’t want you all to think of Alice as a tortured soul with an alcohol problem, but rather as a modern day Otis of Mayberry.

Needless to say, the supply of liquor was diminished at an equivalent rate to Alice’s reasoning capacity. The last we heard of an Alice Sighting, she was headed for the Mexican border with a case of my best scotch and my grandfather’s dueling pistols. Chevelle and I have loaded into NewsGalaxy 500 and are now in pursuit. We can only hope to catch her before she crosses the border, as because of past misadventure her citizenship is uncertain at best.

My only hope for you, my readers is that Skippy can somehow hope to forgive me and write the occasional article, for like myself, the news is in his blood. But at the time of this writing, he seems totally despondent.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor


The Girlies on Standby Waving Satanic Bibles

Monday, February 07, 2005

(SNN) Robert Van Winkle, better known as Vanilla Ice from the movie “Teenage Mutant Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze” has admitted that he spent thousands of dollars on therapy to get over an obsessed fan.

“Girls were always showing me their [thingies], but there was this one girl, the same girl, in the front row, the same spot, all the time,” Vanilla Ice tells the February issue of Razor magazine. “One time, in Japan, we got to our hotel and there was a knock at my door, middle of the night, someone’s left me a satanic bible. I was freaking out. She then came up the fire escape, dropped to her knees, and was basically possessed by the Devil. In this full Exorcist voice, she kept saying, ‘He is my destiny, I must have him!’”

She then came up the fire escape, dropped to her knees, and was basically possessed by the Devil.

Van Winkle went on to relate that the girl had been sent by her parents to recruit him to the Irish branch of the Church of Satan, which is ironically the most peaceful religion in the region. This comes as a surprise to many that believed Van Winkle’s success could be quite easily assumed to be the work of the Dark Prince. It is not known whether the Prince of Lies specifically instructed the fan to repeatedly show Van Winkle her breasts. The fan has since returned to Ireland to resume her position in Parliament.

Also, in the interview Van Winkle states that he finds solace in the fact that one of his songs, “Ice Ice Baby”, has stood the test of time. “I know this: a good song is deeper than a tattoo. It’ll remind you of the car you’re driving and the girl you’re going around with and the streets you’re cruising. It’s better than a photo album. A song is a tattoo that you never lose. ‘Ice, Ice Baby,’ man, you’ll remember that when you’re 90.”

Adrian Chevelle, Arts and Leisure


The Shiite Mandate

Sunday, February 06, 2005

In Iraq, the Shiite party is ready to take power in the new constitutional assembly. Bolstered by the elections, leading Shiite clerics are going to be working hard to promote an Islamic state for Iraq.

Shariah, would be a harsh departure from the transitional government

A system of government based on Koranic law, Shariah, would be a harsh departure from the transitional government which the United States has put into power. Senior Shiites have been quite unhappy with the law that was enacted by the interim government under heavy influence form American officials. While Shiite politicians have promised not to create a total theocracy similar to Iran, they have also made it clear that they consider Koran the only source acceptable for building the new government.

A State Department official said the United States "would urge an inclusive and participatory process," but that for now the Bush administration was simply watching the debate unfold. "This is an Iraqi process," said Edgar Vasquez, a State Department spokesman.

Under Shariah, women are not allowed the same rights as men in marriage, divorce, or family inheritance.

Shariah law, as laid out in the Koran would harm the cause of women’s rights the most. While American officials have pushed hard for equal rights for women, under Shariah, women are not allowed the same rights as men in marriage, divorce, or family inheritance. In inheritance, men get twice the share of a woman. And while a man can decide to marry as many women as he wants, women are not allowed to marry women at all. "We don't want to see equality between men and women because according to Islamic law, men should have double of women," said a spokesman for Ayatollah Yacoubi. "This is written in the Koran and according to God."

In some regions such as Basra, the heavy Shiite majority has already effectively enacted Shariah. Women can only walk the street dressed in head to toe black, alcohol sellers have been driven from the streets, judges are trying court cases based on Shariah, and cows walk the streets unmolested.


This President has Gone Crazy

Saturday, February 05, 2005

(SNN) We have been told that democracy can cure all ills and that a leader elected with a majority of the popular vote can not go wrong. But now is the time to start to seriously question those deep seated beliefs, because many are beginning to believe that the President has gone crazy.

The President is a threat to the US

The current opinion of experts is that the President has become dangerous confused and radical. While rising to power though democracy and remaining popular, the President’s policies have become anything but democratic.

Even Fox News has been increasingly critical of the President. Fox quotes one political science professor named Anibal Romero to let us know that the President is a threat to the US. Romero called him "a dangerous fellow, a confused person who is deeply anti-American and is prepared to do terrible things."

The President has packed the Courts and the Army with his supporters

Now, buoyed by electoral victories and high oil prices, the President appears to be doing everything he can to snuff out democracy before the eyes of a nation and a world that does not seem to be paying much attention... 'The danger that we are facing as Venezuelans is the possibility of waking up and not having any of our liberties,' says Mayor Leopoldo Lopez. The President has packed the Courts and the Army with his supporters, seized control of the country's wealth and introduced a penal code that criminalizes dissent.”

But the question remains, if the President continues on this course, what will be the fate of Venezuela? Because of the effect of the nation on the South American Region and the world oil supply, America may be forced to take action. Condoleeza Rice has already started to make overtures over serious sanctioning or even possibly military action if the behavior of President Chavez does not improve.


Judge Insists on Interpreting the Law

Friday, February 04, 2005

(SNN) It has happened again. Yet another judge has ruled same sex marriage bans unconstitutional. The judge ruled that preventing gay and lesbian couples from receiving marriage licenses violated basic freedoms guaranteed in the state constitution. Because of this, gay couples in New York may soon be allowed to wed.

Gay couples in New York may soon be allowed to wed.

The ruling declared that the New York City clerk could not deny any couple solely on the grounds that they are of the same gender, but it has been stayed for 30 days while the city determines whether it will appeal. A statement by the city Law declared, "We are reviewing the decision thoroughly and considering our options."

Contrary to the findings of three similar cases in New York, Judge Doris Ling-Cohan wrote that same-sex marriage "would cause harm to no one," that there is "no legitimate purpose, let alone a compelling interest" in the marriage laws. Ling-Cohen contended that gender specific pronouns used in law could be understood to mean either a man or a woman.

Many people have long contended that gender specific verbiage does apply in the law.

Many people have long contended that gender specific verbiage does apply in the law. One of these people is commentator Benny McMillan of Columbus, Ohio. McMillan says, “It says on the first page of the Constitution that all MEN are created equal. It doesn’t say anything about women.” On the other side of the gender discrimination debate are groups like the “Topfree 10” of Orlando, FL, and Herbert Long of Concord, CA. The Topfree 10 made a federal case out of whether women could go topless in an area where it was legal for men. Long sued his HMO last year for the right to have a hysterectomy. While Long won his case, he has not yet found a doctor that is able to perform the procedure.

Currently, Massachusetts is the only state to recognize gay marriages, and many states have passed specific constitutional amendments specifically forbidding gay marriages.


The World’s Most Powerful… Kisser?

Thursday, February 03, 2005

(SNN) Today, the Senate approved the nomination of Alberto Gonzales in a 60 to 36 vote. Gonzales was quickly sworn in by Vice President Dick Cheney before anyone could change their minds. Democrats tended to vote against Gonzales, citing his weak position on civil rights, his record of hiding evidence in court cases and his support of torture. Republicans tend to like Gonzales because of his weak position on civil rights, his record of hiding evidence in court cases and his support of torture. It is not know whether Cheney wore his signature parka and boots.

As late as yesterday afternoon, it had been reported that Lieberman was undecided about the issue.

Only six of the twenty or so Democratic Senators voted for Gonzales. Ted Kennedy went as far as to say it was "a sad day for the Senate" to confirm "a person who was at the heart of the policy on torture that has so shamed America in the eyes of the whole world." Of the Democrats to vote for Gonzales’s confirmation, the most senior was Joe Lieberman.

On the outside, it seems innocuous that Lieberman, one of the more conservative members of the Democratic Party, would support Gonzales. But as late as yesterday afternoon, it had been reported that Lieberman was undecided about the issue. Something between yesterday and today had to sway Lieberman, and that something was a kiss.

You would never catch Bush kissing Tommy Thompson or Donald Rumsfeld.

Last night, after the State of the Union Address, Bush stopped to hug and kiss Lieberman. At first, one might consider this is a surprising move for the leader of such and anti-French and anti-Homosexual party, but Bush is quite fond of kissing in general.

While you would never catch Bush kissing Tommy Thompson or Donald Rumsfeld, and he only occasionally hugs Alberto Gonzales, Bush has been known to kiss the Condoleezza Rice and Margaret Spellings. From Britton there have also been repeated accusations that Tony Blair has kissed Bush’s ass.

Despite Bush’s obvious personal space issues, kissing a Democrat on the floor of the Senate is still quite a surprising action. This has led some to speculation that Bush’s goal was more than just a swift snuggle with the leading legislator but something entirely more politically plentiful. Could it be that Bush’s kiss is so potent that he can actually deliver a vote on the power of his lips alone? Could all these legislative sessions where the Republicans vote with seemingly one mind be the result of massive make out sessions in the Oval Office? If this is the case, the Democratic Party should consider some kind of face shields when it comes time to vote on Social Security.


Go Ask Alice

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


I have never written someone like this before, but I hope you can help me. My boyfriend seems to want to spend less and less time with me. His health is rapidly deteriorating as he only gets four hours of sleep per night and goes out drinking every third night. He is 29 years old and still takes money from his parents. He refused to get engaged or even think about it. My question is: should I give up on this guy or is there any hope of him returning to 'normal'? do men change at that age?

Jayne V


Chances are that if your boyfriend enjoys his destructive lifestyle at 29, very little will change. At an age when most men have settled down, he chooses to behave like a frat boy. Not only does he currently seem like an ill-suited candidate for a provider, but he does not sound like someone willing to make that leap. He obviously doesn’t respect you and is probably just using you for sex. But don’t worry; he is probably planning to break up with you in the near future, but has just been too lazy or drunk to do it yet. Probably by the time you read this, your problem will have taken care of itself.



I have been seeing this woman for several weeks now. We have not had sex, but every time I call her, we have the most bizarre phone sex. She talks about the craziest fetishes and seems to have no limits at all. Whenever I see her in person, she denies having talked to me on the phone. How can I bring that person on the phone into our face to face relationship?

Dom Q


The phone provides a level of both physical safeness and anonymity. This way of communicating at the beginning of a relationship is actually more common that you think. Sometimes people just have deep seated intimacy problems. Sometimes it is because they fear the complications of a physical relationship. But the most likely cause is that you have programmed the wrong number into your phone.



I am a forty five year old man with a twenty four year old girlfriend. Everyone I know thinks I’m lucky, but I have one problem. She can not stand my Herb Alpert records. Now I don’t consider myself a Herb Alpert fan by any means, but I find that I can not achieve orgasm without hearing one of his records. How can I make myself and my girlfriend happy?

Mike P


I can think of three possible solutions to your problem. First of all, and I highly hope you will take this route, seek immediate counseling. If you are intimidated by counseling, approach her with your problem and ask about the possibility of wearing headphones. If you don’t want to try these things, you could try giving her a pet name like “Tijuana Taxi”.



Dick Cheney Searches for Relic

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

(SNN) Last week, Vice President Dick Cheney was heavily criticized for his apparel at the ceremony for the 60th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz. Cheney’s outfit included a green parka, stocking cap, and hiking boots while other world leaders dressed in black dress attire. The Vice President’s wife Lynne wore a parka as well.

Cheney’s outfit included a green parka, stocking cap, and hiking boots

While Cheney apologists were quick to point out that it was cold and the Vice President was merely attempting to stay warm during a long outdoor ceremony, NewsBlog 5000 sources have discovered that Cheney’s real plans might have been quite different.

Our story begins on the 12th of March in 1938. Hitler had just annexed Austria, and his first action in Austria was to go to the Hoffburg Museum in Vienna were he took possession of an artifact called the Spear of Longinus. The spear was then loaded onto an armored train and escorted to Germany by the SS. Many believe that the Spear of Longinus is actually the Spear of Destiny, the spear used to pierce the side of Christ, and legend holds that whoever can hold the spear will rule the world.

Many believe that the Spear of Longinus is actually the Spear of Destiny

So what does this have to do with Dick Cheney’s attire? While popular thought holds that the Spear is currently safe in the Hoffburg, rumors have been circulating for yeas that Hitler made a replica of the spear and hid the original, scattering clues on where to find it around various Nazi strongholds. Many of these rumors focus on Auschwitz as the location for one of the major clues to finding the Spear.

This goes a long way in explaining what Cheney wore hiking boots to Auschwitz, but what can Cheney hoping to gain from the spear? Has he suddenly become interested in occult antiquities? Or does he also believe that the Spear has the power to rule the world?


US Soldier may be a Fraud

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

(SNN)A website called carried a frightening claim today. A message from Iraqi militants claimed to have taken a US solider hostage and threatened to behead him. A statement posted with the picture suggested the group was holding other soldiers.

Iraqi militants claimed to have taken a US solider hostage and threatened to behead him.

“Our mujahedeen heroes of Iraq's Jihadi Battalion were able to capture American military man John Adam after killing a number of his comrades and capturing the rest," said the statement. “God willing, we will behead him if our female and male prisoners are not released from U.S. prisons within the maximum period of 72 hours from the time this statement has been released.” The statement was signed by a group calling themselves the "Mujahedeen Brigades”.

However, the U.S. military had a different story. “No units have reported anyone missing,” said Staff Sgt. Nick Minecci of the U.S. military's press office in Baghdad.

A clue in this kidnapping came from, of all places, Southern California

Surprisingly, a clue in this kidnapping came from, of all places, Southern California. A toy manufacturer, Dragon Models USA Inc. recognized the image of the soldier as one of their action figures named “John Adams”. Items in the photo included desert camouflage fatigues, a vest, knee pads and a gun which pointed at the soldiers head. All the items are similar to ones that came in a box with the action figure.

"It is our doll ... to me it definitely looks like it is," said a Dragon Models spokesman. "Everything the guy is wearing is exactly what comes with our figure." The company confirmed that the dolls were available for sale in the Middle East, as they had been ordered by the US military in Kuwait for sale at their bases.

As all the facts of the alleged kidnapping came together, only one real question remained. Why does the U.S. military think our soldiers want to buy 1/6th size replicas of themselves which come equipped with kneepads?