NewsBlog 5000
The finger on the invisible hand

Grassley Taxes Sex Workers

Friday, June 30, 2006

(SNN Washington) Senator Charles Grassley of Iowa has proposed that pimps be charged large fines and long prison sentences for failing to fill out W-2s on their hoes.

Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley

The proposal would give a $25,000 fine plus a 10 year prison sentence and additional $50,000 fine per ho. "The thugs who run these trafficking rings are exploiting society's poorest girls and women for personal gain," Grassley said. "The IRS goes after drug traffickers. It can go after sex traffickers."

Grassley envisions and office within the IRS to deal with these issues. The office would need $2 million to get started, but once running, it would be able to keep a portion of the taxes it collects for operating expenses. It is estimated that the office will be self sustaining once its officers can cover a radius of five blocks from Congress.

But was Grassley does not know is that most sex workers get into that field though working as accountants. Many hoes are independent consultants who contract with the pimp, so the pimp does not legally have to file W-2s on his hoes. Hooking itself is simply reported under Tips and Misc wages, like any other spot job.

Many sex working accountants are hoping Grassley's new legislation will clear up gray areas in the tax code dealing with farm income for those who run a small business, like a brothel, on a farm. The issue becomes more clouded if the hoes are wearing animal costumes or have working names like Bunny or Bambi and are accidentally counted as livestock.


Israeli Attacks Could mean Trouble for US

Thursday, June 29, 2006

(SNN Bethlehem) US news agencies reported a respite in the pressure between Israel and Hamas, after Apache attack helicopters and military planes fired on targets in the Gaza Strip.

These attacks come at a precarious time for the United States. Most A-list reporters are already taking long weekends for the Fourth of July. This leaves most of the news over the weekend will be written by unpaid interns, that are probably stoned.

Brit Hume's show on Fox News Channel addressed the weapons. However, Hume was not on the show. Hume was replaced temporarily by a dead tuna, used in a sock-puppet style by Geraldo Rivera. Originally, the tuna did not look much like Hume. However, it took on his trademark pallor after a week of "ripening".

Fortunately, the seriousness of today's events was not missed by Larry King, who decided to interview Star Jones. In Larry's characteristically balanced manner, he diligently read ABC's side of the story.

C-Span, known for their lack of commentary and ability to just present the facts, played a fascinating synopsis of the Supreme Court Case "Hamdan v. Rumsfeld". Judge John Stevens tozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Sorry, I fell asleep on my keyboard.

Fortunately Keith Doberman really woke me up when he went down to Oklahoma to watch a bunch of rednecks shoot automatic weapons. It was kind of loud though. Wow, this is just like Saving Private Ryan. But there aren't any Nazis. Oh, wait, scratch that.

Ok, so I was writing a new story and ended up watching TV. Wasn't weird how I fell asleep on my Z key. Maybe that's how they came up with it. Oh, and I am stoned.

An unpaid, uncredited intern.


Some Seeking Secrecy of Secret

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

(SNN Washington) President Bush has said it was disgraceful that the New York Times would release information about the US government monitoring of financial transactions. The program was called SWIFT, just like the boats.

However, a search of public records done by the Boston Globe reveals that the program was not actually secret. So perhaps the New York Times only error was to call attention to already public records that were best left unmentioned.

Senator Jim Banning of Kentucky went as far as to say that the Times is guilty of treason. This begs the question of how to carry out a sentence of treason against an entire newspaper. Would you have to shoot them all, or could you simply give them some of Banning's Kool Aid?

But wait, in September of 2001, the White House web site posted a relatively detailed description of the plan on the White House web site. However, the webmaster in question may not be guilty of treason as they only said, "cooperation with, and sharing information by, United States and foreign financial institutions as an additional tool to enable the United States to combat the financing of terrorism." They never mentioned the snazzy "SWIFT" acronym.

"There have been public references to SWIFT before," said Roger Cressey, a former senior White House counterterrorism expert. "The White House is overreaching when they say [The New York Times committed] a crime against the war on terror. It has been in the public domain before."

There is no question that the program worked. It is estimated that as many as three terrorists were caught though wire transfers, until they all caught on and stopped sending money that way, about three years ago.

In fact it seems that the Bush Administration were the only people who did not already know that the monitoring was going on. Even the UN knew, and nobody tells the UN shit. "The other day, I asked John Bolten who won the Yankees game, and he told me to fuck myself," says UN Secretary General Kofi Annan, "but I knew about that financial monitoring crap."

While some have said that New York Times should lose its White House Press credentials, some say that the only way to make sure another 9/11 does not happen is to level New York City with a nuclear blitz.


Editor's Note: Rush Hard with a Vengeance

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

First of all, I'd like to apologize for once again hijacking NewsBlog 5000. But once again, there is an item circulating in the liberal media to which I have to respond.

I speak, of course, of my good friend Rush Limbaugh, who was detained yesterday at Palm Beach International Airport. According to the medianistas, Rush had a bottle of Viagra, but no prescription. Many liberals have also pointed out that the Dominican Republic, Rush's destination, is a country known for sex tourism.

Now let me stop you right there. Sex tourism implies that Rush was going to the Dominican Republic to pay little boys for sex. This is just not the truth. Children around the world love Rush. And Rush has never had to pay to have sex with little boys.

In addition, people are saying that because Rush had a whole bottle of Viagra, he might have trouble getting an erection. While this may be a problem amongst many conservative men, Rush's erection is between him and the little boys who he mercilessly plows. And for the record, just because Rush is found with some drugs doesn't mean that he actually needs them.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Bush wants look at Taepodong

Monday, June 26, 2006

(SNN Washington) President George Bush said today that North Korea should tell the world what it has at the tip of its missile.

The president succinctly explained why he thought the international community would want to know. "So we don't know, we don't know, that's part of the problem."

Originally, in 1993, North Korea attempted to cause trouble with the Nodong missile. However, the Nodong did not shoot far enough to impress the world. Then Jung Il created the Taepodong One, capable of penetrating anywhere within the Pacific Rim. Finally, Kim Jung Il has the Taepodong that will command respect.

The Taepodong has been noticed by Senator Dick Luger, who wants the Administration to talk to North Korea about its Taepodong. However, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow has said that King Jung Il has been "very naughty" and that the leader "definitely deserves a spanking," unless of course Kim tells the world what he intends to do with his new Taepodong.

This report comes just as it has been announced that Korea may be able to deliver at least 13 nuclear capable Taeopodongs. The Taepodongs could easily hit Alaska and Hawaii and could reach as far as California, leaving the areas essentially fucked.


Editor's Note: Handout Buffett

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Today, Warren Buffett went on my threat list. Buffett is doing the most irresponsible thing a rich person can do. He is giving the bulk of his estate to charity. Buffett is specifically giving the bulk of his estate to the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, and organization already on my threat list.

And does the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation really help people in need? Definitely not. They focus their efforts on helping children in poor countries from dying from malaria, or gout, or gonorrhea or something. I say just give them condoms and move on.

I might not be a big fan of the pseudo-science of Evolution, but I do believe in survival of the fittest. If we really want to help these people, we should be letting only the strongest survive. Then we should take the strongest and force them to fight to the death in cages made of barbed wire. Only then would they be allowed to breed. This might not solve all of the third world's problems, but it would be damn funny to watch.

No, Warren and the Gates should use their money to help those truly in need. Sure, they give money to poor students who qualify for entry into college, but what about me? Sure, we were rich, but not rich enough to bribe my way into Yale, even though my father was in Skull and Bones. While he got to whip George W. Bush dressed up like Annie Oakley to within an inch of his life, I had to attend a public University in Ohio. Now, if Bill Gates had given me $20 - $30 million for a new building for Yale, I would be editing the Washington Times instead of this crappy blog.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Senate Approves Emergency $160 Million

Friday, June 23, 2006

(SNN Washington) Many people consider veterans frightening. They know how to kill, and many of them have. They burn flags. And they can walk among us without notice.

Congress is now taking steps to deal with this problem. A Senate panel today approved a $160 million emergency funding for the tracking of veterans. Meanwhile, a House panel was cautioned that monitoring alone may not be enough.

"The worst-case scenario is that the veteran finds its way to a public distribution source, such as the Internet,'' Mike Cook, a co-founder of a company specializing in data breaches, told the House Veterans Affairs Committee.

The Senate Appropriations Committee approved the $160 million in emergency funds on a 15-13 vote; some Republicans objected because the VA has said it can use existing funds to pay for monitoring. The VA said it would also hire a contractor to do data analysis to help pinpoint activity; the agency, however, did not offer specifics, saying it wanted to see what bids they receive.

Noting "it's not going to be cheap," VA Secretary Jim Nicholson pledged not to take the money from current VA programs. So far, the department has already spent $14 million to set up a call center and notify veterans by letter, and it's spending an additional $200,000 a day to maintain the call center.

Rep. Steve Buyer, chairman of the House panel, said he believed the VA and Congress should consider additional safeguard measures - even if it means costing taxpayers more. "The concern is, are we creating a false expectancy - that if the VA does monitoring, I am safe?" said Buyer, R-Ind. "I still have great fears."

Like the VA, the Agriculture Department has also enacted monitoring programs. Earlier this month, the Health and Human Services Department made a similar announcement about nearly 17,000 Medicare beneficiaries


Texas GOP stops renewal of Voting Rights Act

Thursday, June 22, 2006

(SNN Washington) In what was expected to be a no-brainer, the House abruptly dropped plans to renew the 1965 Voting Rights Act. The renewal was blocked by Texas and other Republicans complained during the weekly House GOP meeting.

Texan Republicans oppose rules that require Texas and eight other states to get federal permission to change their voting procedures. Also in Texas, where the majority of the population is Latino and the state legislature is composed almost entirely of white Republicans, some believe that you should have to read, speak and write English. "I simply believe you should be able to read, write and speak English to be a voter in the United States," said Rep. John Carter, R-Round Rock.

Texans do not mean to discriminate. "It would be dumb to discriminate," said Rep. Henry Bonilla, R-San Antonio. "That is the last thing anyone is trying to do." They merely want anyone with a brown face to have to take special tests to prove that they can read and write English. If they can read and comprehend a few dozen pages of James Joyce's Ulysses, they will be able to register to vote.

Take this simple paragraph for instance:

Universally that person's acumen is esteemed very little perceptive concerning whatsoever matters are being held as most profitable by mortals with sapience endowed to be studied who is ignorant of that which the most in doctrine erudite and certainly by reason of that in them high mind's ornament deserving of veneration constantly maintain when by general consent they affirm that other circumstances being equal by no exterior splendour is the prosperity of a nation more efficaciously asserted than by the measure of how far forward may have progressed the tribute of its solicitude for that proliferent continuance which of evils the original if it be absent when fortunately present constitutes the certain sign of omnipollent nature's incorrupted benefaction. For who is there who anything of some significance has apprehended but is conscious that that exterior splendour may be the surface of a downwardtending lutulent reality or on the contrary anyone so is there inilluminated as not to perceive that as no nature's boon can contend against the bounty of increase so it behoves every most just citizen to become the exhortator and admonisher of his semblables and to tremble lest what had in the past been by the nation excellently commenced might be in the future not with similar excellence accomplished if an inverecund habit shall have gradually traduced the honourable by ancestors transmitted customs to that thither of profundity that that one was audacious excessively who would have the hardihood to rise affirming that no more odious offence can for anyone be than to oblivious neglect to consign that evangel simultaneously command and promise which on all mortals with prophecy of abundance or with diminution's menace that exalted of reiteratedly procreating function ever irrevocably enjoined?

While everyone agrees that Texas GOP is straightforward in it's political dealings and would never try to discriminate against minorities, some say that the Supreme Court should first decided if Texas broke the law in 2003 when they redistricted the state to discriminate against minorities.


Editor's Note: Meat me in Japan

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Ok, it's been pointed out to me that yesterday on Radio 5000, I was a little hard on the Japanese. They announced that they were pulling out of Iraq, and I announced that Sailor Moon could go fuck herself. I admit, that was maybe going too far. Especially considering the problem they have had with Sailor Moon porn on the Internet.

But that's all forgiven now. Japan has agreed to again start importing US beef. Japan had banned US beef for five months, due to fear of Mad Cow Disease. Apparently, some official in Japan was reading Democratic Underground and thought there was a serious degenerative brain disease.

I'm so glad that Japan has come around to my way of thinking. Because if Japanese men want to grow to 6'4" and 300lbs., they are going to have to start eating more American beef, and stop hiding behind the metric system. Sorry guys, we know that 160cm is only 5'3". We have Google calculator.

But trust me, lots of red meat and bovine growth hormones will get you up to size in no time. And with all those crazy steroids pumping through your body, you might just have been able to hack it in Iraq a little bit longer. And you can consider my boycott of "The Fast and the Furious 3: Tokyo Drift" lifted. That makes us both winners.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Beelzequack

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Buy five rubber ducks at a dollar store. Use a black magic marker to number the bottom of each duck from 2 to 6. Take to a priest right away and seek exorcism.


Japanese Troops to be Withdrawn

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Prime Minister Koizumi attempts to make love to his Segway.

(SNN Tokyo) Yesterday, Japan became the latest member of the coalition of the willing to announce withdrawal.

Prime Minister, Junichiro Koizumi, said Japanese troops would end their humanitarian mission in Samawa, which is presumably somewhere in Iraq. We didn't really look it up on a map. They could be in Michigan for all we know. Of course, according to Representative Steve King, that would be more dangerous.

Many have called Koizumi ungrateful for having his troops withdraw. They point out that President Bush was not only nice enough to visit his Podunk country, but Bush even gave him a sex machine.

The procedure for withdrawal will be simple. As soon as there are enough troops in the region to replace the Japanese soldiers, they will return to Japan. They will then read manga, watch anime and paint models of magical girls -- typical behavior for the most withdrawn of Japanese people. In addition, Colonel Masahisa Sato has said that he will finally have time to finish the Sailor Moon costume he has been working on.


Skippy Wears Shoes

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Several people have asked me, 'Where is Skippy Does it All? Have you stopped writing?' Never fear. I have not been writing because I have been spending the past few weeks on an investigative report where I wear a new pair of shoes.

Now, I know you're going to say, 'Skippy, everyone buys shoes.' But when I bought this last pair of name brand shoes at a popular mall store, both of which would prefer to remain nameless, my feet never felt so good, my outlook on life improved, and I had an unbelievable spring in my step.

I wore my shoes for two weeks, for work and play, and they still felt marvelous. I was about to sit down and write my special report when I was kidnapped by two members of a Columbian drug syndicate. It turns out that each of my name brand shoes contained a kilo of uncut cocaine.

It turns out the shoes, once made in Holland are now made in South America. So the Columbians, looking for a more efficient way to ship their merchandise into the US, were replacing the comfortable spongy inner soles with comfortable spongy cocaine. The cocaine shoes go to cartel agents in the US, the real shoes go to shoe stores. Somehow, there was a mistake in the shipment.

Originally, the Columbians were simply going to cut off my feet. However, they recognized me from the article I wrote saying that the United States should invade Brazil. Apparently, they also think the Brazilians are a bunch of dicks. So they kidnapped my instead and ransomed me back to Dr. Maynard.

The trade was set. The location would be a maple syrup factory just outside of Toronto. Dr. Maynard was flying up to do the job, and the Columbians said "No cops." I was tied down on a conveyor belt, and a part of my anatomy was tied to ten bottles of maple syrup. If anything went wrong, I was going to experience the other type of Toronto Tug Job.

Now, Dr. Maynard is my boss, so I don't want to criticize him, but as I said the Columbians said "No cops." And I mean no disrespect to the RCMP when I say that bright red coats are rather easy to see from a distance. Let's just say that despite being saved at the last minute, a part of my anatomy is a little longer than it used to be. However, I needed to by some new pants anyway.

However, they say that all's well that ends well. Dr. Maynard is holding on to my thirty year salary advance for safekeeping. No members of the RCMP were harmed. And people tell me that I look better being three inches taller, but I still have rope burns around my ankles.


Democrat Attacks Rove's Working Conditions

Monday, June 19, 2006

(SNN Washington) John Murtha, Vietnam Veteran and Representative from Pennsylvania, made comments disparaging Karl Rove for having a safe, comfortable working environment. Murtha made his comments on NBC's "Meat the Press".

Murtha was responding to a speech made by Rove, who said Democrats were following "that party's old pattern of cutting and running."

When Mr. Murtha was asked to comment on Mr. Rove's remarks, he said: "He's making a political speech. He's sitting in his air-conditioned office on his big, fat backside saying, 'Stay the course.' That's not a plan."

But this is where Representative Murtha is wrong. Karl Rove never spends too much time sitting on his backside. As soon as he gets the chance he dons his baby bonnet and a diaper with a picture of Ronald Reagan printed on the front. He then crawls into his giant crib, where his crack addicted nanny sees to his every need. On many happy afternoons in the Rove household, you can hear Karl screaming, "Rock faster! Rock faster! Bring me a bottle, bitch."

On Fox News, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow also pressed the administrations case against a deadline. "You've got to keep in mind the situation in Iraq is critical in a lot of ways," he said. "It is one of many places in the larger war on terror. If we succeed in Iraq and we establish a democratic benchmark, that has a ripple effect not only through the region, but throughout the world."

I'm coming to join you honey, with a glass of Ripple in my hand!

Some might say that the "Ripple Effect" theory seems much like the often used reasoning of the Domino Effect. However, the Ripple Effect is different in two important ways. First, Ripple Effect sounds vaguely more scientific. Secondly, Ripple Effect might even be something you would apply to ice cream, the "Fudge Ripple Effect". Hopefully, the theory can be applied to other countries were the US has problems. If only we could figure out how to install a modern, free society near North Korea, say maybe a little to the south.

"Meat the Press" is a news program specializing in interviewing national leaders on issues of state. Then, with the help of host Tim Russert, these officials grill hot dogs, hamburgers, steaks, bratwurst, whatever strikes their fancy. Once, in 2003, Senate maverick John McCain, grilled a frozen pizza.


Editor's Note: Emergency Shutdown

Friday, June 16, 2006

I expected to be telling you that I would be shutting down NewsBlog 5000 to attend impending SNN board meeting in Waikiki. I looks like I will no longer be attending

James Skippenofsky who was supposed to take over for me, has gotten himself into some trouble with a Columbian drug cartel whilst working on an article about buying a new pair of shoes. So I am stuck flying to Toronto with a suitcase full of money. But don't worry about me, I'll be fine. It's not my money. I am ransoming Skippy with a three year advance on his salary.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Editor's Note: Bush Apologizes

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Today, President Bush made fun of a reporter at a news conference in the Rose Garden for leaving his "shades" on. It was later discovered that the reporter in question was legally blind. President Bush called the reporter and apologized.

Now, it's too late for me to start accusing the President of making mistakes, but if he had asked me, I'd have told him not to apologize. One of the perks of being the "Leader of the Free World" is that you can tell anyone anything you want. If you want to call the President of Russia Poot Poot, that's your prerogative. Putin is just lucky that Bush didn’t call him "Faggity MacFagfag".

In fact, if I had my way, the President would be making fun of a minority or disabled person every day of the week. I would even have him stand on someone who he was making fun of. This is America and it is important to remember that the majority rules. That's a lesson in democracy.

Coincidentally, you may have noticed that I had to put "Leader of the Free World" in quotation marks. Before the Clinton administration, you didn't need to put "Leader of the Free World" in quotation marks. This is where political correctness has taken us. Just think about that for a minute.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Iraqi PM Enjoys Head

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

President Bush discusses an important matter of state with al-Maliki, who stares off into space and thinks 'What's up with this guy? I hear the words coming out of his mouth, but they make no sense. Seriously, He thinks things are going well, WTF?'

(SNN Baghdad) Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki launched a major security crackdown today aimed at stopping the violence that has been devastating Baghdad. Although, Rep. King of Iowa has pointed out that Washington, DC is still more dangerous.

Operation Forward Together began just one day after President Bush paid a surprise visit to Baghdad. It was kicked off with a Baghdad tradition, a car bomb that killed four civilians and wounded six.

Some people have criticized that Iraqi government. They say it is possible that putting more police on the streets with only increase the already high incidents of violence against police officers. However, Maj. Gen Mahdi al-Gharrawi, the commander of public order forces, says people are getting used to a police force in the city. "The people are feeling comfortable with the security measures and they are waving to us," he said. "Sometimes properly even, like not with their middle finger. But usually not."

It seems most likely that these forces have been put in place to protect Prime Minister al-Maliki. The Prime Minister is obviously, and correctly afraid that insurgents gripped with World Cup fever would storm the capitol, behead al-Maliki, and use his head as a ball.


Roy's Thought of the Day: God's Buggery

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Jesus loves me this I know. If this you forget and mess with people and ruin the lives. You'll end up getting sodomized.


Editor’s Note: I Left My Gun in San Francisco

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Before I get started, I have to get something off my chest. This morning I saw a truck with a Jesus sticker on the back and Calvin pissing on bin Laden. Now I have now problem with Calvin pissing on bin Laden, and I approve whole heartedly of little stickers holding the name of God. However, do they really belong in the same place? When I ask myself, ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ public urination is just not on my list. When Jesus was brought an adulterous woman, he said “let he who is without sin, cast the first stone”, not “If in doubt, whip it out.” Thus endeth the lesson.

Today, Christmas came early for me, as the fourth amendment was defended in San Francisco, the Baghdad by the Bay. San Francisco County Superior Court Judge James Warren ruled that a local government cannot ban weapons because the California Legislature allows their sale and possession.

The ban was originally put in place by a ballot by the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, who were frustrated by the high number of gun related deaths. The National Rifle Association, a group not traditionally associated with San Francisco, sued in November, in a desperate attempt to guarantee once again that hot lead would be the San Francisco treat.

If there’s one thing I love even more than the idea of bum fights, it is the thought of holy gunfire ringing though this modern day Gomorrah. However, it may turn out that, like bum fights, the idea is a lot more satisfying that the reality.


Alberto Predicted to become Hurricane

Monday, June 12, 2006

(SSN Tallahassee) After being named as the Nations 80th attorney General in 2005, Alberto Gonzales has set is sites on a different type of career. As Alberto gains strength, forecasters believe he shall soon be upgraded to hurricane status.

Governor Jeb Bush was quick to warn Floridians about the dangers of Alberto. "We're talking about powerful forces of nature," Gov. Bush said. "People need to take this very seriously."

Bush signed a declaration of emergency that allows him to call up the National Guard and put in place laws against price gouging. It is this kind of disrespect for the free market that guaranteed Jeb was overlooked for a presidential bid, in favor of his idiot brother.

Alberto visited Havana throughout the weekend. The official news agency in Prensa Latina has reported some minor street flooding and the collapse of a handful of old buildings. It does not seem Alberto caused any major injuries.

If Alberto Gonzalez does turn into a hurricane, NOAA believes this will be the first time on record that such a high ranking person of Mexican descent has become weather.


Superman is not Gay

Sunday, June 11, 2006

(SNN Los Angeles) The director of the new movie, "Superman Returns" issued a strong denial of Friday saying Superman was the most Heterosexual Character he had ever filmed.

The Advocate, a gay magazine, ran a story with the headline "How Gay is Superman." The LA Times ran a story on whether altering Superman's sexuality would help or hinder box office receipts.

Superman "is probably the most heterosexual character in any movie I've ever made," said director Bryan Singer. "I don't think he's ever been gay." And DC Comics President Paul Levitz says he is confused on how the rumors started, "We were all scratching our heads. He's not a gay character."

But where do these rumors come from? Many people believe that Superman is gay because he wears bright blue tights. Also, Superman was known to be very wild in the 70s, experimenting with drugs and bisexuality. It is believed that Superman had not only gay experiences, but fairly serious gay relationships with musicians, including members of the Rolling Stones.

On May 4, 1990, Angela Bowie went on "The Joan Rivers Show" and claimed that she had found her ex-husband, David Bowie, naked in bed with Mick Jagger and Superman. David Bowie has long since acknowledged his homosexuality, but Mick Jagger and Superman have not made any such revelations. Mick Jagger was quick to dismiss the whole thing as ''complete rubbish,'' and a public letter from David Bowie's lawyer stated that any ''implication that there was ever a gay affair between Mick Jagger, Superman and David Bowie is an absolute fabrication." On a May 11 "Geraldo" appearance Angela Bowie backpedaled: ''I certainly didn't catch anyone in the act. All I found were people sleeping in my bed."

Recently in a Seattle wine bar, Superman disappeared into the bathroom with Steve Ballmer for what was considered and excessive amount of time. At the time, most people assumed they were just snorting cocaine.


UN Official Attacks the United States

Friday, June 09, 2006

(SNN New York) The anti-American United Nations is at it again. The Deputy Secretary-General, Mark Malloch Brown spoke out publically against two of the most treasured institutions, Rush Limbaugh and Fox News.

Seriously, that thing just wigs me out.

Mallock Brown claimed that "much of the public discourse that reaches the U.S. heartland has been largely abandoned to its loudest detractors such as Rush Limbaugh and FOX News."

In turn, Bolton proclaimed Mallock Brown's statement "anti-American speech" and the "worst mistake by a senior U.N. official that I have seen." And in a way, Bolton is correct, because Limbaugh lives in Florida, which is almost a part of America, and Fox News is run by an Australian, who at least speaks English, unlike those other foreign people at the U.N.

It is so completely inappropriate that someone from the UN would call Limbaugh a detractor. Perhaps Limbaugh is right when he says, "the whole organization is so corrupt, the UN, I mean."

In trying to prove that he would never try to detract from the UN, John Gibson of Fox News sums it up as, "the American people are not the problem. The U.N. is." Gibson also points out that he wrote a book to document "the anti-Americanism rampant among 190 countries at the United Nations." Gibson concludes defending himself as not being a UN detractor by saying, "this is a flawed institution that has yet to prove itself to many in the American public — me included."

Other Fox News personalities have shown a fair hand to the UN. In the Hannity and Colmes show entitled "Can we Trust the U.N. to Handle the Tsunami Relief Efforts?", Hannity allowed the Bill Orme of the UN Development program to explain why the UN was "a corrupt organization that has shown itself frequently to be both anti-American and anti-Semitic."


Editor’s Note: A Time for Change

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Today Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed by an American airstrike. While Al-Queda says that they will take vengeance on the United States for killing him, I say they should let it go. Al-Zarqawi is no great hero. Al-Zarqawi had been living like a coward in a safehouse hidden in a thick grove of palm trees.

You can rest assured that if there is ever a $25 million bounty on my head, I will not hide like a rat. Although, I have to admit that it is unlikely, as my current bounty stands at a mere $247,000.

So, I’d just like to say to those members of al-Queda in Iraq, “You should put down those guns, or rather sell them, and start following me.” If you think the Islamic afterlife is something to work for, let me show you the land of milk and honey that is the free market economy. And if you think a few dozen virgins is worth dying for, just wait until you get your hands on a pro.

The death of Al-Qaeda’s Iraq leader will mean many things to many people. But I am not going to focus on those that say the war has turned a corner or those predicting more violence.

No, I’m here today to talk about something much more important--myself. The biggest thing the death of al-Zarqawi will mean to me is the end of several boycotts that I have enacted. And I am sure that distributors of New Balance shoes, black robes and AK-47s will agree.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going shopping.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Learning American Style

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

(SNN Omaha) Today, President Bush said that new arrivals to this country must adopt American values and learn English.

"One aspect of making sure we have an immigration system that works, that's orderly and fair, is to actively reach out and help people assimilate into our country," Bush said in his speech. "That means to learn the values and history and language of America."

It is interesting that Bush made this speech in Nebraska, where illegal aliens are generally confined to meat packing plants. Literally, they just lock them in.

The President also visited with immigrants studying for citizenship tests. Bush explained to the students in Spanish how there had been two President Bushes, John Bush and John Quincy Bush. It is believed that Bush spoke to the immigrants in their native Spanish, but with President Bush it's really hard to tell.

Bush's Omaha visit wrapped up a two day journey devoted to immigration. On Tuesday, Bush visited two border states, Texas and New Mexico. It is not known how the hell he ended up in Nebraska. However, there are two prevailing theories. Some people think the President took a wrong turn in Albuquerque. Others believe that he is secretly visiting the Strategic Air Command to look over plans for bombing Iran.


Baghdad maybe not that Safe

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

(SNN Baghdad) Iraqi government documents, referenced a few days ago by the LA Times, show that, excluding bombings, more Baghdad residents died in shootings stabbings and other violence in May than any other since the invasion in 2003.

The Baghdad morgue reported 1400 violent deaths in the month of May. This would mean that 25 of 100,000 residents of Baghdad were killed by violent crimes in one month, and this does not even include those killed by bombings. These numbers become relevant in the context of a statement by Rep. Steve King (R-IA) who said that Iraqi civilian deaths were in the area of about 27 per 100,000 residents annually. However, Representative King has stated clearly that he used a very reputable web site for his numbers. Perhaps the morgue accidentally counted those bodies five times.

This puts a sizable wrench in Representative King's statement that Iraq is safer than Washington D.C., which suffers around 45 violent deaths per 100,000 people annually. However, it is easy to sympathize with Representative King. It is hard to see a city whose murder rate stand as an international standard for man's inhumanity towards man sink so low from its former glory. Now the only way that Washington can show its inhumanity is through politicians like Representative King.

But there is good news for our troops. At the rate Iraqis are dying, they may not face much opposition in the future. When you figure in bombing deaths and the death of members of the Iraqi military and police, the number goes much higher. At this rate, and taking the steady escalation into account, Baghdad's population will be reduced by 50% in just 10 years. Not only will this mean fewer insurgents, but it will mean that the United States will have less of the still not rebuilt infrastructure to rebuild.


Editor's Note: Married Gay Flag Burners

Monday, June 05, 2006

Earlier today, a Christian was thrown to the lions. However, unlike historical references to this sort of incident, the man in question threw himself to the lions. As he went in, he was shouting, "God will save me, if he exists." There is a lesson to be learned from this man's sacrifice. Jesus may love you, but he loves the ideal of personal responsibility even more.

And just like Jesus, you can't expect the government to solve all your problems. If you are can't make your car payment or your house payment, maybe it's time to get a better job. The economy is booming right now, and there are more jobs in the service industry than ever. Fortunately, there are some problems the government can solve, with a little push from us. And those problems are homosexuals wanting to get married, and people who want to burn the flag, who are also probably homosexuals, or even worse liberals.

Fortunately for us, the President is going to speak up about gay marriage and flag burning. It is sad that he has not had time to speak about these issues since the last election, but there is a war on and a man can only do so much in 20 hours a week. While they have been over 11,000 attempts to make burning the flag illegal, I'm hoping that maybe this time will be the time the Republicans can really pull it off.

If there's one thing I know, it is that the bible strictly defines marriage as a union between a man who believes in god and a woman who is a virgin, the man's legal concubines, and if no other men are available, his daughters. Because this is in the bible, it has to be added to the constitution. Good news for gay men though, I do not believe it says anywhere that you cannot own male concubines. Also, this grey area of concubines can come in handy for men in stressed relationships, as divorce is strictly forbidden. It also says that a woman who tries to get married, but is not a virgin should be stones. However, I am still strictly against the use of marijuana. Perhaps we could substitute OxyContin.

And if you know me, you will know where I stand on flag burning. I firmly believe that flags should be made of flame retardant material. However, I did not always think this way. When I was young and pragmatic, I used to think that flags should be made of some sort of highly explosive material, like napalm, that would engulf the would-be flag burner in flaming death. I know some of you may think it makes me soft to change my mind on an issue, but my core beliefs have not changed. It does not matter if you are hanging the flag proudly in your front yard under your confederate or Texas flag, wearing it on your chili stained shirt, or merely airbrushing it on the side of your motorcycle. What is important is that we should respect the flag and all that it stands for-conservative ideals.

But what is really being missed here is that there are more important issues to worry about. Now I believe that some homosexuals, anarchists and atheists want to castrate Christians and sauté and eat those holy Rocky Mountain oysters. It is time for a constitutional amendment to ban forced castration and testicular consumption of Christian men. Now some people say that such an amendment would be going too far, but I for one value the culture of keeping my balls. Anyone who wouldn't support such an amendment is someone who does not have the welfare and safety of the American people at heart, and is even perhaps a closetted ball gobbler themselves.

So America, vote for whomever you want. But make sure the person you vote for values our flag, values the sanctity of marriage, values values, and will spend some time giving serious lip service to my balls.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Canada Charges Terror Suspects

Sunday, June 04, 2006

A Mountie poses with his partner in front of a large Canadian phalus.

(SNN Toronto) Police have charged twelve adults and five youths with planning an "al-Queda inspired" attack. They described that amount of bomb making materials as enough for "three Oklahomas". The Mounties would not name any of the suspected bombing targets.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper said Canada had been targeted because of its way of life. Harper added, "Today, Canada's security and intelligence measures worked. Tomorrow…" Harper finished by waggling his hand back and forth and making a "nya" sound.

Over three tons of ammonium nitrate was seized. While this material can be used to make bombs. However, the group in question was Canadian and it could be possible that they were merely going to grow a lot of pot.

Police did not want to give away too much about the religiosity and ethnicity of the alleged terrorists. However, they did release the name "Steve". So if you know someone named Steve, there is a high likelihood they are a terrorist.

Some of the members of the group were not extremists, but straight criminals doing things that would only be considered a crime in Canada, like walking against a crowd, spitting in public and selling guns for money.


Editor's Note: Fascism to Freedom

Friday, June 02, 2006

A new film by Aaron Russo called "America: Freedom to Fascism" received a standing ovation at the French Cannes Film Festival.

Now, I don't know about any of these allegations of "money creation, federal income tax, voter fraud, the national identity card - which becomes law in May 2008 - and the implementation of Radio Frequency Identification (RFID) technology to track citizens." But what I do know is that this film is proof that the French support liberal film makers and that liberal film makers support France.

As far as I am concerned, America is freer than it has ever been. We are no longer bound by pesky law limiting corporate monopoly or the ability of big business to squash unions. And we are working on being free from homosexuals and immigrants.

Now I'm a firm believer in limited government powers. But now is not the time to be questioning our government seizing unprecedented power. Yes the government is watching everything you do, but if you do not do anything wrong, you have nothing to fear.

Personally, it will be a happy day for me when all these liberal filmmakers are rounded up and put in our secret prisons.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Young Republican Myth Busters

Friday, June 02, 2006

Other College Republican Party Ideas

Ozone Depletion Party: everyone gets a protective tinfoil hat

Extinction Party: barbequed endangered species

TV Party: Burn Fred Rogers in effigy

Spread Democracy Party: Beat up a group of homeless people, ask them to thank you when you are done.

Date Rape Party: she asked for it

WW II Party: dress as your favorite holocaust denier

Stay in the Closet Party: act macho, get in fights, pray to God, cut off your penis, do anything to stop these feelings

Support or Troops Party: set pictures of the liberal media on fire and toast wieners

Carpooling is for Suckers Party: everyone drives separately, whoever gets the best mileage has to give Hummers to everyone else.

Coward Party: support the war by dressing up as your favorite Democrat Veteran

(SNN Norman) College Republicans at Oklahoma University held a first of its kind event, a "Global Cooling Day" to "debunk some of the myths and cool the hyperbole surrounding the issue."

During the event, the students at Oklahoma University were served snow cones and condescension. All the favorite College Republicans were there: trust fund kid, wannabe rich kid, low forehead kid, and trying to show my father I'm a man kid. Strangely enough, the College Republicans thought that the premise of this event was humorous.

The event was also used as a fund raiser and membership drive, as well as an opportunity to sell much coveted College Republican t-Shirts. While the group bragged of giving away 1000 snow cones a day, no information has been released on the number of new members or number of t-shirts sold.

The National College Republican Committee even thought to take the tactic a step further. "Consider staging a similar event on your campus--but make it a beach party instead. Kiddie pools, sand, bikinis--you get the idea." Because nothing says fun like a bunch of pasty, male, over privileged, business majors in bikinis.

College Republicans want you to remember that Science is for liberals. Cars and television and computers work through magic and enthusiasm about the free market. Nuclear weapons are just the hammer of American Jesus.


Studies show People Lie about Sex

Thursday, June 01, 2006

(SNN New York) It has long been known that people lie about sex. Now researchers have found that people who obsess about their virginity also lie about sex.

A recent survey on sexuality has shown that people who take surveys on sexuality lie about their sexuality. In surveys of High School students, virginity can be lost and found in a matter of minutes. In extreme cases, people regain their virginity during treatment for STDs.

Forty percent of teenage males tend to lose their virginity during conversations in locker rooms. Additionally, 28 percent of people who took virginity pledges forgot they had ever had sex. Occasionally, virginity can be lost or gained during Lifetime movies. One percent of respondents who claimed to be virgins answered the survey questions while having sex. Three percent of the virgins had children of their own.

The most famous sexual liar is, of course, President Bill Clinton. But he was our sexual president and deserves our sexual respect.