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Supreme Court Views Stripper

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

(SNN Washington) Today the Supreme Court heard the case of an ex-stripper, Anna Nicole Smith, who married a 90 year old man with billions of dollars. The case centers around $1.6 billion that the billionaire, Howard Marshall, amassed during the 14 months that he was married.

One of Marshall's nurses testified that Smith, at the time a 26 year old topless dancer, showed her breasts to Marshall to get a larger inheritance. Marshall had previously showered her with homes, jewelry and clothes. She contends that he promised her half of his estate.

On her way to the Supreme Court, Smith was originally awarded $474 million by a federal judge. A federal district judge later reduced the amount. And finally a federal appeals court reduced her inheritance to a double wide trailer and a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20.

During the proceedings, Antonin Scalia had to briefly be forcibly restrained when he attempted to sodomize Smith. Smith then told Scalia that he could do whatever he wanted to his long as she got her $474 million. In addition, David Souter said he would "so hit that white trash whore."


UN Ambassador Criticizes Olympics

Monday, February 27, 2006

(SNN New York) The US ambassador to the United Nations, John Bolton, said Saturday that the Olympics is hobbled "by bad management, by sex and corruption." Bolton also criticized the Olympics budget, noting that the host country pays more than other nations.

The host country pays more than other nations.

On Saturday, Bolton described the Olympics as inept, citing its inability to stop Iran's nuclear development. Bolton contended that throughout the Iranian situation he was told that international cooperation, the whole reason for having an Olympics, was the best way to resolve the situation. However, now that the Olympics are over, Iran is no closer to standing down their nuclear ambitions.

A strong critic of the Olympics throughout his political career, Bolton contends that, as the most powerful country on earth, the U. S. should win more metals. Bolton once said, "There is no such thing as the Olympics. There is only the international community, which can only be led by the remaining superpower, which is the United States."

Bolton is known for an unorthodox managing style

Bolton is known for an unorthodox managing style. He once chased an employee with a stapler, threatening to beat them to death. Bolton is also known for an unorthodox approach to sex, being a regular to many downtown New York sex clubs. But when it comes to corruption, Bolton tends to follow a more traditional style.

At a 1994 conference, Bolton said that you could eliminate 10 sports from the Olympics and no one would even notice.


Don Knotts

Saturday, February 25, 2006


Whatever happened to nonsectarian violence?

Friday, February 24, 2006

I remember when I was a little girl, a person or sometimes stooge would haul off and poke someone in the eye, stomp on someone's foot, or in extreme cases knife someone in an alleyway. These were random, senseless acts of violence. There was no spiritual motivation.

People have long been using religion as an excuse for violence. The ironic part of this is most of the actual religions promote peace. This suggests that perhaps it's not a problem with the religions, but a problem with the people that practice those religions. Or maybe the fundamental problem is that the people that practice these religions are just people.

If there's anything that West Side Story has taught us, it's that sometimes people just like to rumble. You don't need any funny cartoons, or holy books, or religious leaders. All you need is a Molotov cocktail, or maybe just a brick, and the desire to throw it.

So I believe it's time for us to put aside our differences and come together to beat the crap out of each other.

Alice Humbees, Opinions


Iowa Prepares for Abortion Tourist Boom

Thursday, February 23, 2006

(SNN Pierre) The South Dakota Senate today approved a bill that would outlaw nearly all abortions in the state, a measure that could become the bread-and-butter industry of the modern Iowa.

The abortions performed in South Dakota are fulfilled by one clinic in Sioux Falls.

Currently, the vast majority of the abortions performed in South Dakota each year are fulfilled by one clinic in Sioux Falls. This legislation is obviously going to shut down that clinic. This shows that once again Republicans are against small business.

If the new law is passed, this positions Iowa (just a 15 minute drive away) perfectly to take over the abortion trade. There have already been rumors of drive-through abortion clinic companies looking for good locations. The population of 770,000 aborts around 800 fetuses a year, telling those in search of loose women to look elsewhere.

Conservative lawmakers are obviously convinced that most people just have abortions for the fun of it and do not really give it much forethought. If they can put a minor obstacle in the way if someone wanting an abortion, that person will probably just give up. However investors say it is not outside the realm of imagination to think that people would take the extra 15 minute drive over the Iowa border if they really, really wanted an abortion.

Most people just have abortions for the fun of it and do not really give it much forethought.

The legislation, which states that "life begins at the time of conception," would prohibit abortion except in cases where the pregnant woman's life was at risk. Felony charges could be placed against doctors, but not against those seeking abortions, the measure says.

This legislation goes much further than similar bills which would allow for abortion in the case of a brain damaged or brain dead fetus. This move is obviously an attempt to protect future generations of South Dakota lawmakers.

The bill is expected to be signed by Governor Rounds, a Republican. And Governor Michael Rounds can stand on the moral high ground, he has never had an abortion. In addition to signing the bill, the governor is expected to approve a new state slogan "South Dakota, we make Iowa look modern and progressive."


Outsourcing Problem Plagues Washington

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

(SNN Washington) President Bush said this afternoon that he would veto any legislation seeking to block American figure skaters from using Russian composers in their routines. Mr. Bush's rare veto threat came as Republican leaders called to put Sasha Cohen's routine on hold.

On Tuesday, Cohen won the short program with a brilliant performance, but in order for her to perform her brilliant performance, she had to resort to outsourcing. Yes, to perform such spectacular spirals and crisp footwork came at the price of using a Russian folk tune, a testament to the power of the Russians who are already dominating the sport.

Despite the fact that Cohen turned her back on America, she barely slipped ahead of her Russian counterpart, Irina Slutskaya. Yes the name is Slutskaya. It's too easy, just write your own joke. The two are closely followed by Japan's Shizuka Arakawa, who is just hot.

But President Bush contends that outsourcing is a good thing, in fact he has made overtures towards hiring Slutskaya and Arakawa to represent the USA in the next Olympics. "After careful review by our government, I believe the transaction ought to go forward," Mr. Bush told reporters who were traveling with him on Air Force One to Washington. Some administration officials, refusing to be quoted by name, suggested that any objections by lawmakers to this outsourcing hinted at racism on their part.


RadioShack CEO Resigns

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

(SNN Fort Worth) RadioShack Corporation's Board of Directors accepted David Edmondson's resignation yesterday after a series of discussions over what is best for RadioShack.

Edmondson held these conversations with a pedometer in southwestern Canada. "This situation is especially painful, because Dave is a talented and dedicated individual who has made many contributions to the company," said the pedometer. Edmondson's future had been in question given the low quarterly earnings and the discovery that he had lied on his résumé.

The board promoted Claire Babrowski, vice president and chief operating officer of RadioShack. Babrowski joined RadioShack last year after 30 years at McDonald's Corp., where she was either vice president and chief restaurant operations officer, or a senior fry cook who lied on her résumé. For the time being Babrowski will also retain her position as COO, because there's really a lot more money that way.

Over the next 18 months, RadioShack said it intends to achieve three major goals as part of its turnaround play: increase the average unit volume of its core store base, rationalize its cost structure and have an exorcism performed on all haunted stores.


Rich Man Builds Fiefdom

Monday, February 20, 2006

(SNN Tampa) Someone once said that it was harder for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into heaven, it was probably one of those liberals like Ed Asner. But one rich man has a plan to get himself into heaven, he's building his own city and naming it after God's mother.

The city will be named Ave Maria and is being built by millionaire Tom Monaghan, founder of Domino's pizza. Monaghan wants to build a community based on his strict conservative Catholic values. The town of 11,000 homes will also include a large cathedral and Catholic University.

Monaghan is also going to control all the commercial real estate, making sure that people cannot lay their hands on things unapproved by Catholicism, such as gay bars, rich food, cable television, and pharmacies.

While the project has received several inquiries about the homes they're building, it has been projected that only 10 of the houses will have to be sold. Then, without access to cable television or contraceptives, the community will easily grow to 11,000 families within just three generations, or about 27 years.

Some say that Monaghan is crazy. But Monaghan says, "I believe all of history is just one big battle between good and evil. I don't want to be on the sidelines." This should erase any doubts on the mental state of Mr. Monaghan.

But Mr. Monaghan should be careful. While religious oppression was very popular in the past, in modern times it is unlikely to meet the same popularity as piping hot pizza delivered fresh to your door.


Republicans Line Up to Mock Vice President

Sunday, February 19, 2006

(SNN Washington) Going on the second week since Vice President Dick Cheney shot a 78 year-old lawyer, Republicans have been having a lot of fun at his expense.

Jeb Bush is rumored to be related to the president.

It started with Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who is rumored to be related to the president. Governor Bush wore bright stickers on his chest during a lunch reception and said, "I'm a little concerned Dick Cheney is going to walk in."

On the program Face the Nation, Bill Frist said "Whittington looks great," after viewing him on television. This is of course a jab both at Cheney and Senator Frist himself. Who could have forgotten that Bill Frist last summer after viewing a tape of Terry Schiavo said "She certainly seems to respond to visual stimuli."

Cheney is a real butthead.

Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, showing his usual wit, said, "Yeah, that Cheney is a real butthead, that's the kind of thing you'd expect a gay to do."

And Senator and Vietnam veteran Chuck Hagel of Nebraska told the Omaha World Herald, "If he'd been in the military, he would have learned gun safety." This is of course commentary on the fact that when Cheney was eligible for the draft in the Vietnam era, he decided he had better things to do. When asked about Hagel's comments, White House Spokesman Scott McClellan said, "Oh Snap!"


SNN Predicts RadioShack Fall

Saturday, February 18, 2006

(SNN New York) Last month, the Sincmil News Network ran a story about the imminent demise of RadioShack based on the haunting of a Canadian store by a talking pedometer. Now it seems that time is come.

RadioShack shares lost almost 8% in afternoon trading

The consumer-electronics retailer announced a new plan that includes the closing of 400 to 700 stores. This is to make up for low quarterly profits caused by a switch of wireless providers. RadioShack shares lost almost 8% in afternoon trading on the New York Stock Exchange. Fourth quarter earnings fell $49.5 million.

Recently residents of Cleveland had to go without a RadioShack

With the closing of up to 700 stores, many fear that someone may have to drive further than 20 minutes to get to a RadioShack. Recently residents of Cleveland had to go without a RadioShack, as a RadioShack had grown so large that it had to be split into three smaller RadioShack's. This left a five city block radius without a convenient RadioShack for twelve days.

RadioShack stores that are likely to be shut down include RadioShacks that are within a 50 foot radius of other RadioShacks, RadioShacks in the towns so small that the only inhabitants work at RadioShack, and RadioShack kiosks that are located within other RadioShacks.

The SNN office in Burnaby attempted to contact the talking pedometer which predicted the downfall of the chain. The RadioShack in question was surrounded by a dark cloud of dread which could not be penetrated. However the correspondent sent to the store said that he could hear through the cloud maniacal, mechanical laughter followed by the words, "You have walked 23 steps."


Man Apologizes for Being Shot by Cheney

Friday, February 17, 2006

(SNN Corpus Christi) The lawyer shot by Vice President Dick Cheney during a hunting trip was discharged from a hospital Friday. He immediately issued an apology for causing the vice president so much trouble.

"My family and I are deeply sorry for everything Vice President Cheney and his family have had to deal with."

"My family and I are deeply sorry for everything Vice President Cheney and his family have had to deal with," said Harry Whittington. "We hope that he will continue to come to Texas and seek the relaxation that he deserves." Whittington went on to say that he thought it would be a pleasure to be shot by the vice president again. He also said he sent his love and respect to Cheney's family, who are also welcome to get loaded and shoot him any time that they want.

Cheney, in Wyoming which has no extradition treaty with Texas, expressed some relief about his hunting partner's recovery. "I'm the guy who pulled the trigger and shot my friend, and it felt good, and I look forward to doing it again" Cheney said in the interview.

The Austin attorney went on to say that the vice president is constantly surrounded by "a cloud of misfortune and sadness that is not easy to explain, especially with those who are not familiar with the great sport of quail hunting."


GPS Game Once Again Threatens Liberty

Thursday, February 16, 2006

(SNN Bethlehem) At 5:30 a.m. Tuesday morning a Pennsylvania DOT worker saw a woman in dark clothes walking down a hill, pause by a tree, turnaround and get on a bus. The worker knew at once that she must be a terrorist.

Written on this box was the mysterious phrase "this is a game."

The worker then followed the woman's footprints and found an unattended box with a combination lock. Written on this box was the mysterious phrase "this is a game." The worker then made the assumption that anyone would make, that someone had planted a bomb on a tree.

What the technicians had actually found was what is commonly referred to as a geocache. A geocache is a part of an anonymous treasure hunting game called geocaching. Proponents say the game is a great way to get up off the couch. However, police argue that getting people up off their couch is a danger to our society.

After an investigation of the box, two bomb squad technicians broke the lock. Inside they found a notebook, maps, stuffed animals, and toys. Despite a vigorous interrogation by police, the stuffed animals refused to reveal any details.

But from there, the story gets bizarre. The person who planted the box in the first place, Dean Guth, called the police. He was so arrogant, that he had actually asked the Parks Commissioner, Charlie Brown, for permission to put it there. But, police had harsh words for the Parks Commissioner as well. "He's a clown, that Charlie Brown," says Lt. Joe Chernaskey, "he's going to get caught, just you wait and see."

Police say that people caught setting Geocaches could be charged the thousands of dollars that it takes for the bomb squad to react to one of these situations. Others point out this is a pretty steep fine for what is essentially littering.

"Just because something is marked as being a game doesn't mean that's what it is," Sarnicky said. "Bad people have a tendency to try and disguise things, and we have no choice but to treat it like it could be a bomb." Sarnicky has spent his entire career hunting down an international terrorist known as Milton Bradley.

Dean Guth, issued a further threat to police, "[Police] just have no concept how widespread this game is, and I'm not the only one involved," Guth said. Another avid geocacher also threatened police with terrorist action "This is something people can have an absolute blast doing."


Chertoff: My Bad

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

(SNN Washington) US Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff told a Senate panel today that he is responsible for the federal government's failures in responding to Hurricane Katrina. Chertoff promised never to cause a massive national disaster ever again.

Chertoff promised never to cause a massive national disaster ever again.

Some of Chertoff's problems have resulted from the fact that he had no idea of what capability his agency actually had. "I was astonished to see that we don't have the capabilities most 21st century corporations have,'' he said.

Chertoff claims that he only realized FEMA director Mike Brown needed to be replaced days after the hurricane struck. Brown is, of course, notorious for making the mistake of going straight to the president to resolve problems, a mistake which ultimately forced him to resign.

Brown is notorious for making the mistake of going straight to the president.

The devastation caused by hurricane Katrina forced 770,000 people from their homes. This is the greatest displacement of Americans since the Dust Bowl. More importantly, the front porch of Trent Lott's house was destroyed, leaving President Bush nowhere to play his banjo.

While Chertoff claims he is taking responsibility for the federal government's failure, he says that he is going to "fix what's wrong" with this department. The surprises many people who thought that the person responsible would be "fired" and hopefully "kicked in the nuts."


2006 May Be Bad Year for Lawyers

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

(SNN Carson City) As many of our regular readers probably do not know, Dick Cheney recently shot a lawyer right in the face. Now, lawyers around the country are afraid that this might start a new trend.

Dick Cheney recently shot a lawyer right in the face.

As people always in the limelight, presidents often start the latest craze. Franklin Delano Roosevelt brought back the popularity of, as it was acceptable to call them then, cripples. It was well documented that teenagers knew nothing about oral sex before President Clinton received it in the Oval Office. In addition, Texas saw a massive increase in horse masturbation after speech by the first lady last year.

Well before this incident, no one would have even considered shooting a lawyer. Now that Vice President Cheney has shot a lawyer and gotten away seemingly scot-free, it seems only a matter of time before an open season on lawyers begins.

Shakespeare indeed wanted them dead.

Despite this recent trend about to begin, there is somewhat of a historical perspective. In Shakespeare's Henry VI, a character suggests, "the first thing we do is kill all the lawyers." However, several lawyers have twisted the statement to mean that Shakespeare actually liked lawyers. Interestingly enough, some people say the very fact that lawyers have argued this shows exactly why Shakespeare indeed wanted them dead.

No matter if lawyers now become a target of violence or not, one thing is for certain. There will soon be a class-action suit against Vice President Dick Cheney for putting their lives in danger.


Some Still Soft on Sharks

Monday, February 13, 2006

If you've read my publication before you'll know that, more than once, I've called for a global war on sharks. Year after year we hear about sharks encroaching on our beaches. And yet, no one seems to want to do anything about it.

We've heard again and again apologetic tones of the shark supporters. It's their natural habitat. They're more scared of us. They're not even trying to attack humans, we just look like dolphins to them.

Well let me tell you this buck-oh, this guy does not look like a dolphin. And if any shark thinks he's going to attack me, he's got another thing coming. And I hear you saying, 'Ryan, you're in the landlocked state. Why would shark attacks even be an issue for you?'

Now, this is not something you're going to hear from the namby pampy shark lovers, but the sharks are working on the land thing. Recently in Australia, a man was bitten while standing in just 1 foot of water. Now let's think about that, 1 foot.

But why, you ask, haven't I heard about sharks attacking on land? The answer is simple. They have taken to the mountains of Afghanistan and joined the Taliban. How else would you explain that there were more soldiers killed in Afghanistan last week than in Iraq, over 100. This is the kind of devastating damage that you only see from the attack of the full-grown shark.

So I say to all the sharks out there, especially those of you who know how to attack people on land, bring it on. I have a harpoon gun, and I know how to use it.

Opinions, Dr. Ryan Maynard, NewsBlog 5000


Cheney Shoots Elderly Man

Sunday, February 12, 2006

(SNN Corpus Christi) Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot and injured a man during a weekend hunting trip in Texas.

The 78 year old man, Harry Whittington, was sprayed with shotgun pellets on Saturday while hunting in South Texas. After the shooting the man was described as "alert and doing fine".

The man was given immediate medical attention. Fortunately the vice president keeps a large cadre of doctors with him at all times in hopes that he can cheat death for another day. "Fortunately, the vice president has got a lot of medical people around him and so they were right there and probably more cautious than we would have been," said vice presidential spokesperson and country-western singer Lea Anne McBride. "The vice president has got an ambulance on call, so the ambulance came."

Surprisingly, shooting an elderly man has actually caused the vice president's poll numbers to rise. Pundits point to the fact that the vice president is often viewed as a man who would leave an elderly person to die.


Off the Bus, with Roy

Saturday, February 11, 2006

A new column for NewsBlog 5000, Off the Bus with trace Roy's experiences in the modern job market.

As a busdriver you have a lot of responsibilities. You also have a lot of freedoms. This is not so in the real world. Not at all.

After my candidate did not win the election, I spent a long time wandering in the wilderness of depression. I'd stay at home sitting around in my Dole '96 cap, severely soiled skivvies, masturbating to cheap Chinese porn. It was during this four years of self discovery that I managed to let my chauffeurs license lapse and do a few things that will permanently not allow me to get one again.

So after some treatment and a forced regiment of wearing clothes, I needed to get some work. I did what they do in the movies. I purchased a Sunday paper, a red marker and some hand lotion. The Sunday Employment Section looked like it was attacked by the West Virginia Red-Wring-Hickey-Monster. After a month of rejection letters I switched to even cheaper Indian porn, the kind with musical interludes.

The Indian Food Market/Video store was located in a strip mall with a bunch of other businesses. One of the businesses happened to have a secretary with killer ass, an ass I followed from the parking lot into one of the other businesses. That business was Job-Tastics and the killer ass belonged to an employment consultant named Marlene.

Marlene mistook my staring at her as invitation to sign me up and do some of the job tests. I thought she was just trying to hit on me because she had me do a lot of things like putting screws into the proper holes and identify what goes into what's proper slot. Doesn't that sound like trying to get the message out or what?

On the job acumen sheet, I scored quite high. Marlene was so excited, she seemed not to notice me staring down her blouse and arranged for to start a job that next Monday. Though nothing happened that night with Marlene, I still had my big bag of porn to fall back on. And then, sometime later, I realized I had a job.

Though suspicious at first, the job seemed ok. On the first day, there was a new employee orientation where I could scope a bunch of hot chicks (What I am saying. If it is female and not too gross, I'll get with it.) There were three people on my third shift, two women and me. We were by ourselves at night with no supervisors or oversight.

The bottom dropped out of telecommunications and my company was caught up in it. They eventually cut my shift to just one person a night. The extra work load left me no time for masturbating to Yahoo Personal ads.

One night, I had to leave my desk to use the facilities, and a VP coming home from a particularly unsuccessful business trip found my station unattended. When I got back from a satisfying but furtive bowel movement, he started to jump my ass. I was the weak link. I could cause my department to let a customer down and lead to the loss of that customer. I should never leave my desk unattended. And a bunch of other stuff that makes sense to say to the only person on shift. So after yelling at me for fifteen minutes and letting me know I'd be written up, I attended to the work that had piled up, a fax offering discount Viagra.

This was something I could really apply my bus driving experience to. Sometimes when I had to drive for a long stretch to deliver the candidate on time, I'd resort to doing my business in a drink cup. Number 1 was easy, number 2 required dropping your pants and standing up the seat a little (don't you try this, not everybody has my ability to keep your feet on the pedals at all times).

The problem was storage and eventual disposal. I didn't want to just pitch the poop package in the trash and smell it all night long. So I started to store the package in a desk of an empty cubicle about three down and two over.

As the employee pool started to get drastically reduced, more jobs were stacked on me to the point I just couldn't get away from cubicle at night. At this point, I just made a logical leap and starting taking a dump in my lower desk drawers. I knew the daytime temp who shared my station didn't use those drawers anyway.

Now, when I go to the bathroom, I like to have something to read. It relaxes me and helps things get out. Much like my chauffeurs license, this was to be my downfall in the telecommunications industry as well. I was intent on reading an article on my former associate Bob Dole, when that same VP came around the corner and found me squatting on my lower desk drawer.

Even then I didn't notice him. I must have sort of forgotten where I was, because when he knocked on my cube wall, I yelled, "Occupied, come back later." Even after I explained to him how it was his idea, and how high my efficiency had gotten, I was still fired on the spot.

I won my unemployment. I had faxed all the letters from the VP encouraging me "to continue doing what I was doing to improve my performance" to the Hearing Officer. I made sure to make a point that part of doing what I was doing to improve my performance was sacrificing human comfort and staying at my station at all times. All the VP sent to the unemployment office was a letter that said, "He was taking a shit in a desk drawer!"

So then it was back to Marlene…


DeLay to Oversee DeLay Investigation

Friday, February 10, 2006

(SNN Washington) Indicted Representative Tom DeLay was forced to step down as the House Majority Leader, but he is still trying to be an effective leader. DeLay has been chosen for a seat on the subcommittee overseeing the Justice Department.

DeLay may try to influence himself

This puts DeLay in a precarious position. He is now overseeing the department which is investigating Jack Abramoff and his dealings with lawmakers, especially Tom DeLay. Some have even gone as far as to say that DeLay may try to influence himself to put pressure on the Judiciary Committee to go light on Tom DeLay. However, others argue that this would be to complicated maneuver even for DeLay.

McKeon has never held a job

Also DeLay, who stands accused of improperly taking lobbyist money, belongs to the powerful Appropriations panel, a coveted position which allows its members to pass out government money. Some would argue that this makes the panel members extremely susceptible to bribery, but others say this is a non issue. DeLay replaces Randy Cunningham, who was forced to resign after accepting $2.4 million in bribes.

In a similar appointment, GOP leaders also named California Representative Howard "Buck" McKeon as chairman of the Education and the Workforce Committee. McKeon has never held a job and possesses only a second grade education. It is rumored that Representative McKeon calls himself "Buck" because he cannot spell Howard.


Senate Building Evacuated

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

(SNN Washington) A US Senate office building was evacuated Wednesday evening after a sensor detected the presence of a possible badger. A second confirmation test came back negative.

Eight senators and more than 200 staffers were evacuated from the Russell Senate Office Building, just north of the Capitol building. The evacuees were taken to an underground parking garage next to the building, said a spokeswoman for Senator John McCain.

Police said no one showed his symptoms of badger exposure, leading one security expert to suspect a false alarm.

If they badger had been released in the building, those who were exposed would have exhibited an array of vicious scratches and bites, or what Dean Wilkening of the Stanford University Center for International Security and Cooperation calls, "very distinct, very sudden onset symptoms."

Police have ordered those evacuated to remain in the parking garage until additional tests are complete.


Rove Issues Threats to Senate Judiciary Committee

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

(SNN Washington) Congressional sources say that Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove has threatened preemptive nuclear strikes on any Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee who votes against the president.

The administration has been alarmed that damage could result from the Senate hearings, which began yesterday. Just a few Republicans could result in a determination that the President was in violation of the FISA act. "It's hardball all the way," a senior GOP congressional aid said.

Over the last few weeks, Mr. Rove has been calling in virtually every Republican on the Senate committee as well as the leadership in Congress. The sources said Mr. Rove's message has been that a vote against Mr. Bush would destroy GOP districts in congressional elections.

While some pundits have praised Mr. Rove's strategy, others have complained that some, even red staters, may be put off by the threat of vaporization and radiation poisoning. However, some disagree. "I voted for my president, and I stand by my decision," says Texas resident Daryl Floor. "If destroying Austin in a ball of atomic fire is what we need to protect us from Al Qaeda, so be it. The President destroyed New Orleans, and the State of the Union is still strong."

"Well, I didn't like what Mr. Rove said, because it frames terrorism and the issue of terrorism and everything that goes with it, whether it's the renewal of the Patriot Act or the NSA wiretapping, in a political context," said Sen. Chuck Hagel, Nebraska Republican. While Hagel is outspoken, he has little to fear. Nebraska offers very few viable targets, and with SAC in Omaha, Lincoln is the only viable target that remains.


Pushing Gay Cowboys Down My Throat

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

I haven't seen Brokeback Mountain, but frankly, I'm tired of these Hollywood liberals pushing gay cowboys down my throat.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy quality gay cinema just like any other man, but every year Hollywood produces these cowboy movies. Sure, I've ridden a horse or two, but no one wants to see cowboys up on the big screen hairy and sweating, riding horses and roping cows. I'm sick of being forced to see these perverted films.

Adrian Chevelle, Arts and Technology


Boehner Desires Lobbyist Booty

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

(SNN Washington) The new Republican leader in the House of Representatives, John Boehner, ran a campaign of cleaning up lobbyist contributions. Now he has thrown out most of his colleagues recommendations, and he has submitted his own.

After representing himself as a reform leader, Boehner says no reforms are really necessary. "Understand that all the activities associated with Jack Abramoff, Duke Cunningham, former member who resigned in disgrace, and other members who have problems -- they've already violated the law and/or they violated the rules of the House," he said. Basically what Boehner is saying is that the existing rules would be very effective if his party would have chosen to enforce them.

One of the ways that Boehner wishes to reform House rules is to place no cap on travel. And Boehner knows a thing or two about the importance of travel. He has taken trips valued at more than $157,000 since 2000, which were paid for by nonprofit trade organizations and think tanks.

Boehner told NBC, "sunlight is the best disinfectant." Basically he means that members of the House should make publicly available the money that they take from lobbyists. This would allow constituents and corporations to easily determine the prices expected for various types of legislation.


Cartoon Clashes Prove Confusing

Monday, February 06, 2006

(SNN Kabul) Afghan security forces opened fire on demonstrators today leaving at least four dead. The shootings were the result of increasingly violent protests around the world over published caricatures of Islamic Prophet Mohammed. This has left many onlookers in the United States confused.

The worst of the violence was outside Bagram, the main US base in Afghanistan. The Afghan police fired on 2000 protesters as they tried to break into the facility. Two demonstrators were killed and five were wounded. Eight policemen were hurt as well. The US troops were not involved in the clashes.

These clashes have left many American onlookers confused. We asked one American, Michael Wheelie what he thought of the protests. "I can't really see what the problem is," said Michael. "It's not like they had a cartoon of Calvin pissing on a Ford logo. That would be understandable. Even I've kicked a couple of asses over that one." He also had a suggestion for the Muslim world, "They should just make their own cartoons, maybe of Muhamed pissing on the Pope, or perhaps a crucifix." Wheelie himself has a cartoon of Calvin pissing on a Chevy logo on the back of his F-150.

Another man that we interviewed, Paul Crawley, also failed to see what was so offensive about the cartoons. "I usually don't get the political cartoons in newspapers, Muhamed with a bomb strapped to his head, now that's funny."

In addition to the protests today, Lebanese Interior Minister Hassan Sabei tendered his resignation after the parliamentary opposition and even some Cabinet colleagues demanded he step down over the burning of the Danish Embassy.


Just Kidding about the Oil

Thursday, February 02, 2006

(SNN Washington) President Bush is known for his odd sense of humor. One of the oddest things the president does is insert jokes into the State of the Union address. This year the big joke was alternative energy.

One of the hot topics of Bush's speech was a crop called switchgrass. Switchgrass is a crop which could theoretically help reduce the popular corn in making grain alcohol (ethanol). The president announced that fuels like switchgrass would be a priority for his administration. However, this was just an elaborate hoax. In fact, the energy Department announced that, due to cuts to the budget of the National Renewable Energy Laboratory, they would have to start laying off researchers.

Also the president made the claim that he was making it a goal to cut oil imports from the Middle East by 75% by 2025. He said that America could "move beyond a petroleum-based economy and make our dependence on Middle Eastern oil a thing of the past." This was also just a little practical joke.

In the two days since Bush made these claims, Allan Hubbard, the director of the president's National Economic Council said that the president only plans to decrease the import will buy 75% of the projections for 2025. It is projected that by 2025 U. S. will need 6 million barrels of oil a day from the Middle East, as opposed to the 2 million barrels currently imported. So if 75% could be eliminated, and consumption does not rise, Middle Eastern oil will slow to a trickle of about 1.5 million barrels per day.

Also, Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman said that that the figures the president threw out were "purely an example." In addition, Bodman says when the president said "the Middle East" he did not actually mean the Middle East, but was merely trying to make his speech more dramatic. Maybe he didn't even mean "The Middle East", but just "A Middle East", like the middle of East St. Louis.

So with his little prank about oil, the president has now even outdone last year's joke about steroids in baseball. It's a sure bet that every time he thinks back to the State of the Union address, he has to suppress a little chuckle.


Bush Urges Confidence in His Leadership

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

(SNN Nashville) President Bush said today that he understands why the nation has become anxious. He implored people to have confidence in him. "People are uncertain, in spite of our strong union, because of war, and I understand that," Bush said.

In his 57 minute speech at the Grand Ole Opry House, Bush reiterated his message from his State of the Union address. However, unlike the real State of Union address, people who disagreed with his ideas were not allowed to attend. In many ways, Bush's speech went even beyond his State of Union address. More comfortable in front of the less hostile and representative crowd, he even went as far as to invoke the name of Porter Wagoner.

Bush's strategy is risky but bold. By asking people to have confidence in him, he is much like the homely man who tries to show a hot chick that she is shallow by asking her if she would date him if he was better looking, worked out, and had more money. The president is essentially showing the American people how fickle they are by asking them if they would like him if he were a better president. But also in the President's speech is the possible threat that if people do not have more confidence in him, he will break the country even worse.

During the speech, Bush vigorously defended his wiretap policy. "Let me put it to you in Texan," Bush said. "Say the United States is a sexy farmer's daughter, and Al Qaeda is two slick Tupperware salesmen. You can imagine me as the farmer who has spent 10 times as much money on shotguns then on his daughter's education. While my daughter may be dumb, I'm just itching to use the shotgun. And I will do my best to make sure the Tupperware salesmen will not explode inside my daughter, even if it means listening to her phone calls." When the audience realized the president's analogy was over, they gave him a standing ovation.