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The finger on the invisible hand

House Conservatives Attempt Brave Strategy

Friday, March 31, 2006

(SNN Washington) Yesterday, House Conservatives advanced a new strategy in the War on Mexicans. The bold new strategy would allow the United States to keep its immigrant labor force, but as a slave class rather than as second class citizens.

The President has always smelled a little funny

Even the most conservative have trouble arguing that simply imprisoning or expelling the eleven million illegal immigrants in the United States would not destroy the U.S. economy. But they are clear on one thing. They do not want filthy Mexicans wandering the streets.

Worrying that the American people would see House Republicans as reasonable people, a few Representatives took in upon themselves to prove that they were entirely motivated by racism. Leading the charge was Rep. Dana Rohrabacher of California.

Rohrabacher said Americans should be able to "smell the foul odor that's coming out of the U.S. Senate." Asked a few moments later whether the same odor was emanating from the president, he said, "The President has always smelled a little funny, kind of like one of those fancy moldy cheeses. Sometimes congressmen who really like moldy cheese will hold him close and take a huge whiff."

Rohrabacher advanced the brave new strategy, "I say let the prisoners pick the fruits." But while using Mexicans as slave labor seems ideal at first, Rep. Rohrabacher should be careful. There may yet be a few pitfalls to his plan.

As migrant workers, these people may make far less than minimum wage. While you could pay them as little as $0.12 an hour as federal prisoners, you would still be short several hundred dollars a week per person of the price it costs to keep someone in federal prison.

Rep. Steve King of Iowa has a solution for what to do with limp wristed ACLU lovers.

In addition, some of the more liberal members of Congress argue that there may be a moral issue with using Mexicans as slaves. Fortunately, Rep. Steve King of Iowa has a solution for what to do with these limp wristed ACLU lovers. "Anybody that votes for an amnesty bill deserves to be branded with a scarlet letter A," said Rep. King. Those that wore the scarlet letter would then have to make times in their schedule to be sodomized by Rep. King during massive homosexual orgies.

King went on to make the issue a class issue. "The elite class in America is becoming a ruling class and they've made enough money by hiring cheap illegal labor that they think they also have some kind of a right to cheap servants to manicure their nails and their lawn, for example. … Young people are cut out of this process."

But while King is right that you may be able to get a teenager to mow your lawn for $15, it is impossible to get him to put away the mower, or carefully trim around hedges and trees. In addition, while you may find a young, attractive, white girl to nanny your children, you can only trust an illegal immigrant fearing deportation to have sex with you and keep her mouth shut.

Referring to a wave of demonstrations in recent weeks, Rep. Virgil Goode of Virginia said, "I say if you are here illegally and want to fly the Mexican flag, go to Mexico and wave the American flag." Not even that DaVinci code guy knows what that means.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Lick & Lobby

Friday, March 31, 2006

Lick three postage stamps and a fix them to your forehead. Wait in a lobby of a busy doctor's office. Whoever tries to mail you is an idiot.


Card's Departure Still Puzzling

Thursday, March 30, 2006

(SNN Washington) When White House Chief of Staff Andy Card a couple of days ago, the thought going through everyone's head was "What has Andy done to get indicted?"

Card does not seem to be guilty of anything

But even coming after the President announced that there would be no shakeup in his administration just last week, Andy Card doesn't seem to have anything at all to be indicted. Unlike other members of the administration, Card does not seem to be guilty of anything, not leaking top secret information, obstruction of justice or stealing from Target stores.

It has been theorized that Card's resignation is a concession to Republicans unhappy with the handling of the War in Iraq. In doing this, they lose someone who is seemingly well liked in Washington and competent, but get to keep those that have been managing the war. This would be consistent with the logic that the Bush administration has displayed in the past.

The Bush administration does not reward success or punish failure. They reward those who stay the course, and punish the weak. For instance, the last time Donald Rumsfeld offered his resignation, Bush refused him, but had three members of the White House cleaning staff killed.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Suckspeare

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Ask the next girl you meet if she indenties with Fellatios' predicament in Shakespeare's Hamlet. Don't be surprised if she doesn't know what you are talking about.


Editor's Note: Hard Ball

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Now, I usually have the back of my boy, Rush Limbaugh. But in a recent interview with magazine, Rush makes some statements that are truly unconscionable.

"[Michelle Wie is] a triumph of marketing. … Do you think these PGA Tour guys really think she deserves to be a tournament with them? The political-correctness situation will just not allow them to say it." Rush said.

Now this is just out of line. At 16, Michelle Wie is perhaps the hottest golfer in the world. Limbaugh says that only "liberals and femi-nazis" are interested in Wie. But I would as Rush, "What about men with a fetish for Asian girls?" I think Gary Glitter would agree with me, or he would have when she was a few years younger.

Rush, by trashing Wie, you are only proving to your friends what we have been thinking for years. You are so gay.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Cock the Hammer

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

(SNN Richmond) Rep. Tom DeLay has been fighting the suspension of his concealed firearms permit. The permit was suspended by a justice of the peace after the former majority leader was indicted.

DeLay needs to be holding a handgun to get an erection.

Under Texas state law, a concealed firearm permit can be suspended due to charges of misdemeanors or higher. DeLay is under investigation for felony money laundering. Delay has appealed and asked for a new hearing after he missed a Jan. 26 court date.

Steve Moninger, attorney for the Department of Public Safety, said the state would contest the appeal. "Our function is to enforce the statute," Moninger said.

The problem for DeLay is a serious one. Not only has he been a vocal gun rights advocate, but as a conservative Republican in Texas, DeLay needs to be holding a handgun to get an erection. In addition, this removes both of DeLay's strategies for dealing with his enemies: shooting them and breaking into their homes while they are asleep and masturbating on their feet.

Yes, John McCain, it was him.


Antonin Scalia Teaches Sicilian

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

(SNN Boston) U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia startled reporters with an impromptu language lesson.

The Justice was attending a special mass for lawyers, judges and politicians at the Cathedral of the Holy Cross. As he exited a reporter from the Boston Herald asked Scalia what he thought about the separation of church and state. Scalia flipped his middle finger at the reporter and proclaimed, "That's Sicilian."

Then the Justice continued, "Sicilian is a remarkable dialect. This is how you tell someone you like them." The Justice then began rubbing his groin and emitting low moans.

A photographer with "The Pilot", the Archdiocese of Boston's newspaper got a picture of Scalia rubbing his groin. "Don't publish that," Scalia told the photographer.

After the special mass, Scalia was keynote speaker at a Catholic Lawyer's Guild luncheon, where he again touched himself.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Neighborhood Watch

Monday, March 27, 2006

Once two dogs were barking in my neighbor's backyard. I knew it was time to change the channel.


Editor's Note: Full Disclosure

Monday, March 27, 2006

Over the past few days, we have seen blogger Ben Domenech resign over allegations of plagiarism. Used as proof of this plagiarism were identical passages copied from Domenech's articles and other periodicals.

What I would ask the liberal blogger who indicted Mr. Domenech is "Are you not plagerists yourselves?" In proving your point, you not only copied portions Mr. Domenech's article word for word, but also portions of the articles Mr. Domenech copied.

In a true show of personal responsibility, an ethic conservatives hold dear, Mr. Domenech has said that he can't remember if he copied some of the materials, as he was drunk at the time, but he expects that it was his editors that actually did it. This is an example even President Bush would be proud of.

In reality, Mr. Domenech has a point. As editor here at NewsBlog 5000, I often replace a paragraph or, in extreme cases, a whole story with the words of another news source. I suspect this is what happened to Mr. Domenech because he, as many of my writers are, is completely incompetent.

But let me make it clear, I make no apologies for our publication. I freely admit that we steal from other news sources. As I said in this message to, when we appeared in "Today's Blogs" last year: "I am a great admirer of the good work you are doing at Slate, as can probably be surmised by the occasional stint of mild plagiarism."

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Kansas Strikes Down Hybrid Ban

Sunday, March 26, 2006

(SNN Topeka) A proposed ban on human-animal hybrids in Kansas died Friday when the Kansas House ended debate early on the issue.

The vote was 63-62 against the proposal from Rep. Mary Pilcher Cook, R-Shawnee. Cook wished to make it a felony to create or attempt to create a hybrid embryo that combined non-human and human tissue. The prescribed punishment would have been 5 years in prison and a $1 million fine.

On major problem Kansas lawmakers have with the idea of human-animal hybrids is that scientist may use gene therapy and dna manipulation to create increasingly stupider human beings, which would ultimately be elected to the state legislature. The new bird brained super idiots could replace the Kansas government within one generation.

The subject of human-animal hybrids has been quite controversial. While they may get higher mileage, some question whether the increased cost is worth the saved gas. Early on, many feared that battery problems or low acceleration would be a major problem. However, it is theorized that a human cheetah hybrid could reach speeds up to 70mph. The biggest danger with a cheetah-human hybrid would be the creation of a street walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Golden Sunshine

Friday, March 24, 2006

Sometimes the sunshines forwards and sometimes it shines backwards. That still does not change the fact that someone pissing on your head counts for pleasure not rain.


Australia Invites Bloody Yanks

Thursday, March 23, 2006

(SNN Sydney) An Australian tourism campaign has caught the attention of the ultraconservative lobby group the American Family Association. The AFA has unleashed a protest campaign against a commercial with the tagline, "Where the bloody hell are you?"

The group did applaud the fact that the bikini clad model was barefoot.

The AFA, which campaigns against abortion, gay rights, and spontaneous fun, was upset with a bikini wearing model's use of the words "bloody" and "hell". They were also offended by seeing a woman in a bikini, seeing a woman speaking on television, and said that the use of the word bloody by a woman was an obvious reference to the immoral act of menstruation. However, the group did applaud the fact that the bikini clad model was barefoot.

"I just feel pretty sure the typical American family who is watching TV with their children and they're exposed to this ad are going to be upset," AFA director of special projects, Randy Sharp, said. "I don't want my children to hear that phrase."

"I don't want my children to hear that phrase."

AFA members are expected to boycott Australia as a destination, and Australia could not be happier. The ad's North American target market was well-educated, high-earning, widely traveled people from Canada and the US west coast, the Tourism Australia spokesman said. "And I think we have the right campaign to do the job," he said.

It is unlikely that many members of the AFA will vacation in Australia this year. Before the boycott it was unlikely that many members of the AFA would have been vacationing in Australia. In fact, it is unlikely that many members of the AFA will be leaving their state for their vacation this year, or their county, or their trailer park.

Let's face it. These are not people who like unfamiliar things. Or as AFA President Randy Sharp says about the Australian phrase, "It's a shocking phrase because we're not familiar with it."


Editor's Note: Bloggers and the Blogging Bloggers who Blog Them

Thursday, March 23, 2006

There is a piece in the Huffington Post blog today by Nora Ephron about how bloggers get beat up not only in the mainstream media, but by other bloggers. In it she points out that blogs have recently been disparaged by Donald Rumsfeld, Joe Lieberman, Judy Miller, and even the blogger Kos, of Daily Kos.

I'm proud to say that in the past year, we at NewsBlog 5000 have disparaged blogs over a dozen times, and with this, we are making it a bakers dozen. Now Frankly, I didn't read all of Ms. Ephron's post, because it was a little long. But this is exactly the sort of liberal claptrap that makes blogging so irrelevant. And a note to Ms. Ephron: nothing is more pathetic than a blogger blogging about blogging, except maybe a blogger blogging from the point of view of his cat.

Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


What about North Korea?

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

(SNN Seoul) Yesterday, North Korea suggested that it had the ability to launch a preemptive strike on the United States. A Foreign Ministry spokesman said that "Pre-emptive strike is not the monopoly of the United States."

"Pre-emptive strike is not the monopoly of the United States."

The United States urged North Korea to return to the international nuclear negotiations instead of making inflammatory statements. The North's spokesman said it would be a "wise" step for the United States to cooperate on nuclear issues with North Korea in the same way it does with India.

In response to what it calls preferential treatment of India, North Korea has dropped out of the International Nonproliferation Treaty. "If the U.S. is truly interested in finding a realistic way of resolving the Korean Peninsula nuclear issue, it would be wise for it to come out on the path of nuclear cooperation with us," the North Korean spokesman said.

"North Korea is a mere footnote

Additionally, the North announced that they had an arsenal of giant robots that had been built “for no other purpose than to counter U.S. nuclear threats." It is estimated that North Korea has the resources to build about five giant robots. This news rose fears in South Korea, whose sole giant robot, Flying Yangban, must occasionally be taken down for repairs.

But throughout this accusitory back and forth remains North Korea’s unspoken loneliness. It seemed at one time that the peninsula was the center of U.S. foreign policy concerns. Now North Korea is a mere footnote at the bottom of daily reports of violence in Iraq and what seems to be an inevitable confrontation in Iran. North Korea is a proud nation and it not doubt hurts to be considered the annoying little brother in the Axis of Evil.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Cherry Picker

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Pick a cherry at the super market. Take that cherry to the checkout. Set the cherry down on the conveyor belt and smash it flat. If the checkout girl tells you that you are going to pay that. Tell her, you have already paid your debt to society.


Editor's Note: A Few Changes

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

You may have noticed a few changes at our humble little publication, perhaps the finest new source in the country. I have started writing editorials and our own bus driver, Roy, has started writing occasional thoughts for the day.

I have been a little nervous about writing editorials after my original writing debut. Shortly before I started here at NewsBlog 5000, I wrote a lengthy novel, "Detective of Ecstasy". The story is about a Scotland Yard detective who investigates the murder of Price Charles and ends up balling the majority of the royal family. He doesn't ever solve the case, but after he bangs the Queen Mum, he is knighted. I sent it to several publishers, and finally, I received a $20,000 payment from a publishing house that must legally remain nameless. The money was received on the condition that I never force anyone to read the book again.

Finally, we are welcome to return Roy to our writing staff after his unfortunate suspension for inappropriately touching James Skippenofsky.

Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Bush Defends Iraq Policies

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

(SNN Washington) President Bush said today that there will be “more fighting ahead” in Iraq. However, the president rejected accusations of civil war and claimed that progress was being made.

Nearly four out of five Americans believe civil war will break out in Iraq.

On Sunday, former Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi told the BBC that he believed Iraq was in a state of civil war. “Violence is killing an average of 50 to 60 people a day and that if this is not civil war, then God knows what civil war is,” said Mr. Allawi.

Bush said others inside and outside Iraq think the nation has stopped short of civil war. “The way I look at the situation is the Iraqis looked and decided not to go into civil war.” Nearly four out of five Americans, including 70 percent of Republicans, believe civil war will break out in Iraq.

Cheney is horrifying.

The president also defended Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “I don’t believe he should resign. He’s done a fine job. Every war plan looks good on paper until you meet the enemy, or read what’s on that paper, or even just look at it for more than a second, or smell it,” he said.

“I can understand how Americans are worried about whether or not we can win,” Bush said. “If I didn’t believe we could succeed, I wouldn’t be there. I wouldn’t put those kids there,” Bush declared. “The terrorists haven’t given up. They’re tough-minded. They like to kill, much like Dick Cheney. He gets that sneer going and I almost wet my pants. One time I actually let go a couple of drops. I’m just glad I wasn’t the guy who ticked him off while he was holding a shotgun. Yeah, that Cheney is horrifying,” the president said.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Scratch Test

Monday, March 20, 2006

While scratching something attached to your body think of a bright pink cow. Now call out the name of the cow. Whoever enters your office next needs their ass scratched.


Rumsfeld may have Forgotten Anniversary

Sunday, March 19, 2006

(SNN Washington) Today marked the 3rd anniversary of the opening salvos of the Iraq War. While anxious Iraqis have been waiting for Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to acknowledge the anniversary, Rumsfeld seems to have forgotten the event.

In a Washington Post column today, Rumsfeld argued that talk of civil war was an exaggeration, but leaving Iraq to the Iraqis now would be "the modern equivalent of handing postwar Germany back to the Nazis." However, Rumsfeld stressed that the terrorists "seem to recognize that they are losing in Iraq."

Former Prime Minister of Iraq Ayad Allawi is especially upset that Rumsfeld has not yet acknowledged the anniversary. Allawi warned that if Rumsfeld has forgotten the big day "sectarianism will spread throughout the region, and even Europe and the United States would not be spared all the violence that may occur as a result of sectarian problems in this region."

In addition, Allawi said that if Rumsfeld did not show up with at least flowers, he would be sleeping on the couch for a month. "When Donald was originally courting Iraq, he never forgot an important date. Now it seems like he's just going through the motions."


Bush to Sell Canada

Friday, March 17, 2006

(SNN Washington) This week, due to mounting pressure to alleviate the deficit, President George Bush announced that he would be selling Canada to the Chinese. While the plan has met with some objection, it would go a long way towards reducing the deficit.

Economic indicators show that Canada’s current net worth is currently $4.5 trillion dollars, or $137,000 a head. This comes as the national debt United States has begun to nose towards $9 trillion dollars. The national net worth is the total of the net worth of people, corporations and governments, including land.

Cutting the nation debt in half would be a boon to deficit hawks. In FY05, the U.S. Government spent $352 billion on interest alone, the bulk of the budget of the department of the treasury. Also, in FY05, the federal deficit was $413 billion. Cutting the interest payment in half would go a long way towards solving America’s money problems.

In addition, the deal would invigorate U.S. businesses. For instance, over 80% of the suppliers for the retailer Wal-Mart are based in China. With Canadian workers forced to work for these Chinese suppliers in Canadian factories, Wal-Mart would be able to get goods into it’s stores much more quickly. Also, the Chinese suppliers would fall under the terms of the NAFTA treaty.

But some liberal organizations have argued that Canada does not belong to President Bush and they might not want to belong to China, so he should not be promising away a foreign country. This shows an utter disregard of fiscal responsibility on their part. As far as Canada goes, this would be a great opportunity for their country to solidify a better relationship with the United States.

While White House Spokesman Scott McClellan would neither confirm nor deny plans to sell Canada, when asked he did say, “They are socialists anyway, so why should they care?”


Good Night, Good Luck, Good Gracious

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

I just got done watching the liberal George Clooney's anti-Republican propaganda piece "Good Night and Good Luck". I found it to be an uninspired piece of fiction set in a time in America's history remembered for its faith, values and Arnold's Milwaukee Fried Chicken.

The story surrounds the battle of two historically fictional characters, a CBS newsman and a Wisconsin Senator. The plot is a basic morality tale of good and evil. The Senator Joseph McCarthy is overstepping his authority as a Senator and holding an anti-communist witch-hunt. The valiant newsman has to come to the rescue and make a stand.

From the suggestion that civil liberties are important to our way of life to the suggestion that the government can not punish people without proving their case, the whole story is nothing but a thinly veiled shot at our current republican party. Everyone knows that something like this has never happened in America, and to make up tales like "Good Night and Good Luck" just shows nostalgia for the pre-911 way of life. Perhaps the most unrealistic bit was when they proclaimed that people watching Murrow's biased news stories approved of his leftist (or as they would call it 'pinko') attitude.

This unrealistic tale of abuse of government power is just another story of Hollywood's liberal elite trying to make us apologize for being real Americans. They want to re-write history to make us think people like Sen. McCarthy actually existed. Lest we not forget that everybody liked Ike. I think Mr. Clooney should be ashamed of himself for making those that abuse civil liberties to protect our freedom look small minded and opportunistic.

In a related story, I hear that today published all 279 photos and 19 videos from Abu Ghraib prison. By refusing to keep secret our government's brutality, Salon is doing nothing more than inciting Muslim hatred and violence. It is every American's responsibility to remain ignorant of any brutality or hypocrisy of our government.

Adrian Chevelle, Senior Arts and Technology Correspondent


Oil Companies Threaten Congress

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

(SNN Washington) Today marked the second time in four months that Congress has called on top oil executives to explain high prices. Executives adamantly denied that oil company mergers were the source of the problem.

The Senate Judiciary Committee held a hearing to the effects that mergers of oil companies have had on energy supplies and if these companies have plans to lower gasoline prices.

When asked if mergers and acquisitions had raised gasoline prices, Exxon Chairman Rex Tillerson said, "My answer is no." Tillerson was obviously suggesting that that price of gasoline was caused by collusion which would occur no matter how many oil companies there were. Exxon alone earned more than $36 billion last year, the biggest profit ever for a U.S. company.

The company executives told lawmakers that, if they want lower energy prices, they need to open restricted U.S. federal lands and offshore waters to more oil and natural gas drilling. In addition, Shell Oil Company President John Hofmeister then told the Senators that if they wanted the United States to continue to receive gasoline, they should mind their own damn business.

Chevron Chairman David O'Reilly refused to answer any questions from the senators, but did express his opinion by wearing a giant hat that said, "Suck it."


Harris Tries Out Unusual Strategy

Monday, March 13, 2006

(SNN Washington) After a week of seclusion, Representative Katherine Harris released a statement promising a major announcement about her future this week. Political strategists have called Harris's strategy unusual for someone staying in the race.

Republican strategist Rick Wilson said Harris is feeling "whipsawed". However, this is unhelpful, as no one knows what that means.

Another GOP strategist, John "Mac" Stipanovitch is named after a truck, and says, "it surely is an unusual strategy."

Harris's bold new strategy comes at the same times as the revelation that she took thousands of dollars in illegal contributions from the same defense contractor who bribed a California congressman, Republican Duke Cunningham, who is now doing eight years in federal prison.

Some go as far as to say that Harris may be considering stepping out of the race. Usually, the news that one's opponent is stepping down is good news, but it is theorized that if Harris were to stay in the race, she would not only lose, but drag down her party on the national level. If Harris does drop out of the race, it is likely that she will go back to her previous job, kidnapping puppies to sell them for fur.

But Harris may still have a trick or two up her sleeve in her fight against Bill Nelson, former astronaut and army veteran. She is considering calling him a liberal.


Feingold Calls for Bush Censure

Sunday, March 12, 2006

(SNN Washington) This morning on "This Week with George Stephanopoulos," Sen. Russ Feingold called for the Senate to publically Censure President Bush for warrantless wiretapping of American citizens.

Poll: What is "Censure"

33% Chevy SUV

25% Midsize Toyota sedan

17% Antique bathroom fixture

12% Loose change

9% A military maneuver

4% To admonish

"This conduct is right in the strike zone of the concept of high crimes and misdemeanors," said Feingold, D-Wis. Despite the walk, Feingold's metaphor went on to score two RBIs for a finish of .450 for the day.

While President Bush has long asserted that the warrantless wiretaps are an essential tool in the war on terror, even Republican senators are wondering if this is true. Later on the same program Bill Frist felt in necessary to invoke the names of al Qaeda, the Taliban and Osama bin Laden, as well as conjuring up hoards of people who have sworn to destroy Western civilization.

Even if Bush became the first President to be censured since Andrew Jackson stored the entire national treasury in the bank of one of his drinking buddies, it will not mean much to his already low approval rating.

A recent poll shows that only 4% of Americans even now what the word censure means, let alone it's historical context in relation to a sitting president. An overwhelming amount of Americans, 58%, believe that a Censure is an automobile made by Chevrolet or possibly Toyota.


Iraqis Blames U.S. for their Violent Natures

Friday, March 10, 2006

A recent article in Al Jazeera tries to blame the violence problems in Iraq on the United States. As far as I am concerned, Iraq brought these problems on themselves by refusing to accept the United States gift of freedom.

The United States merely invaded Iraq. We did not ask Iraqis to beat each other to a pulp. We merely erased secular rule and divided the country along ancient ethnic and religious lines, bringing back the memory of hundreds of years of animosity. They could have avoided a lot of trouble if they simply would have rolled over and done everything we wanted them to do.

This should serve as a lesson to other countries. There are no other options available to you. Surrender your natural resources now and there won't be any trouble. Cross us and you will descend into a generation of chaos and fear.

The foreign policy of the United States never involved making the shell dividing the Iraqi people erupt into a movement of violence. They merely wanted to crack through that shell and scoop out the creamy marrow of oil.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Go Ask Alice

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Alice Humbees has finally returned from her holiday incarceration. She's been holding her advice in all this time, and now, finally it's time to Go.

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


One of my wife's friends was poking around our computer and found some naked pictures of me. She emailed them to herself, and then she emailed me some naked pictures of herself to "make it fair". Is it ok if I keep the pictures?

Evan T


You have already broken the trust between you and your wife by looking at the pictures without telling her about them. The right thing to do would have been to look at them together, pretend to laugh with your wife at how ugly her friend is, and memorize them for later masturbatory endeavors. Now the only thing you can do is delete them. But all is not lost. There are many non-for-profit websites on the internet that specialize in men who want to put naked pictures of their girlfriends/wives/mothers on the internet. Simply find a service you like, send them you pictures and you can delete them knowing you will always be able to get them back if you find your memory has gone slack.

Alice Humbees


You are the only person I have to turn to. I have met a wonderful man. He is kind and considerate, warm and sharing, and he cooks and cleans for me. A few months ago he asked me to marry him. Well, a couple of nights ago a couple of work friends took me out for a drink. Afterwards, I was driving past a local gay bar and saw my fiancé kissing another man. Should I break it off right away or confront him about it?

Amanda I


You should do neither. Any man that perfect is obviously gay. Don't chase him off because you will never have it so good again. In the long run, having the perfect man in your life is well worth the price of having a husband that occasionally goes for a weekend trip with a special friend.



DeLay Still in the Race

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

(SNN Sugar Land) Despite his indictment, Texas Representative Tom DeLay still easily won his primary yesterday. Despite his landslide victory, DeLay gave up almost 40% of the vote of his most loyal followers to challengers.

Currently, even odds are being given as to whether DeLay will be able to keep his seat, a seat he would have been forced to give up long ago if not for a last minute House ethics change.

Quick Fact

Connection to DeLay is now the chief metric used in determining Congressional corruption.

DeLay's strategy may seem bold but it is definitely paying off. Where compatriots like Duke Cunningham have quietly stepped down and went to prison, DeLay continues to insist that he has done nothing wrong and the multiple times he has been found guilty of ethical violations by his own party and connections with super lobbyist Jack Abramoff are merely liberal plots. No matter how many times he sold out the country for personal gain, he is the real victim.

Also, in order to win his election, DeLay has stated that his Democratic competitor Nick Lampson is in league with the Devil and Barbara Streisand. While this statement would seem ludicrous to anyone with a sliver of a brain, it counts as a brilliant strategy in Texas. DeLay has also promised to once and for all bring in the notorious Duke brothers.

As the election progresses, it will shape up to be an interesting footnote for future generations to look back on. It is not only likely that DeLay will win while under indictment, but it is likely he will still exert control over the nation and win his next term while giving sexual favors in prison. But DeLay will be in good company, as 1 in 3 people in Texas are in prison already. At least for once, he will be happy.


Cheney Threatens Iran with Consequences

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

(SNN Washington) Vice President Dick Cheney said today that Iran will not be allowed to have a nuclear weapon. Cheney said the U.S. was currently "keeping all options on the table in addressing the irresponsible conduct of the regime."

During a speech today with a pro-Israel lobbying group, he said the United States and other nations plan to send Iran a "clear message" that Iran will not be allowed a nuclear weapon. In addition Cheney added "The Iranian regime needs to know that if it stays on its present course, the international community is prepared to impose meaningful consequences."

While Cheney did not elaborate on what "meaningful consequences" might include, it is a safe bet that at some point, Chuck Norris will be brought into play. Norris has served our country in so many capacities, it is almost impossible to count. He has been a Texas Ranger, a secret agent, an Army Ranger, a part Indian mountain man, a cop with a dog for a partner, a Chicago police officer, an undercover cop in Seattle, a treasure hunter, the head of an elite team of commandos, a one man army, the Sheriff of a small Texas town, a Karate instructor, a truck driver searching for his brother, and a guest appearance as himself. A man who can play all of these roles is a man to be reckoned with.

In addition to Cheney's statements, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice today also refused to deny allegations that Norris is being prepped for a mission in Iran. When Scott McClellan was asked if Norris would be deployed, and if so, was there any way for Iran to stop this worst case scenario, all McClellan would say was, "The international community has spelled out what Iran must do -- that means suspend all enrichment activity."

However, the White House may have its back to a wall. To deploy Norris without a resolution from the United Nations Security Council would be a breach of both U.S. Treaty and International Law. While the Untied States insists that support for a resolution is growing, China, which has veto power on the Security Council, is insisting on more efforts for a diplomatic solution. "Iran should cooperate closely with the IAEA to settle the nuclear dispute," Foreign Minister Li Zhaoxing said Tuesday in Beijing. "There is still room for settlement of the issue without the involvement of Mr. Norris."


Skippy Doesn't Get an Abortion

Monday, March 06, 2006

Lately, I've been hearing a lot about this new legislation in South Dakota which will make almost all abortions illegal. In fact, this legislation is due to be signed into law the day that this article prints.

Knowing that there's already a serious stigma against abortion, I wondered how easily one could obtain one in my own neighborhood. I made five appointments with five different doctors last Friday, all within a thirty minute drive of my home. I did not tell the doctors why I was visiting their office.

The first office I visited belonged to an older doctor who'd been practicing in this area for quite some time. I came into his office under an assumed name with supporting documentation and insurance information provided to me by my friend Frank. In many ways, my visit was like any other. Until, I mentioned an abortion.

I was seated on the table in an examination room. A nurse came in and took my blood pressure, and she asked me why the doctor was seeing me. This is when I let the bomb drop. "I'm here to discuss getting an abortion," I said, looking at her straight in the eye.

I could tell by the look on her face that I had breached a sore subject. She looked quite shocked. But, she quickly regained her composure and asked me who the abortion was for. "Myself," I replied. "And also," I added, "I am feeling a little sick to my stomach this morning." You can only let pastrami on rye go so long without refrigeration, especially as a breakfast item.

My nurse backed slowly out of the room, and I was left sitting alone for several minutes, during which I could hear a strained conversation going on in the hallway. But there were two words I could hear quite clearly through the din, abortion and police.

Having been in similar situations before, I knew what to do. I quickly locked the examination room door, knowing that this would delay the staff for a few moments while they decided which plan was the proper one. Then I began working on the window.

Because this was an older office, the wood in the windows had swollen, and they were very difficult to open. However, I was finally able to get the window open and extricate myself. As I was getting in my car, I saw a police cruiser pull up, and two uniformed officers ran inside.

This just goes to show that you never know what kind world you live in until you come face-to-face with it. I never would've imagined that I lived in the kind of area where simply asking for a medical procedure could put you in jail.

James Skippenofsky, Skippy Does it All


UAE CEO: America Needs to be Taught a Lesson

Sunday, March 05, 2006

(SNN Dubai) As U.S. lawmakers called today for an overhaul of the rules the United States uses for approving foreign management of facilities involved in national security, the CEO of Dubai Ports World offered to teach the American people a lesson.

"We need to educate the people in America that we are truly a global company, and it is not in our best interest to get into those areas where we feel or our customer feels that security is an issue," said Mohammed Sharaf of DP World.

Sharaf added that he had studies that showed that American workers were so lazy and shoddy that his firm could do a better job even if 23% were terrorists, and half of the remaining employees were serial rapists with a heroine addiction.

Critics of the deal have pointed out that some of the 911 hijackers came from the UAE, both California Rep. Duncan Hunter and Maine Sen. Susan Collins have planned legislation that would block the deal. The legislation is expected to be so popular that all kinds of crazy riders and pork deals will likely be added on, including Sen. Chuck Grassley's controversial proposition that would give every Iowan a $2000 tax credit for a HDTV system.

UAE Economy Minister Sheikha Lubna al-Qasimi said in an interview with CNN, "You can't actually accuse a country because of two," she told CNN. "Two do not make a nation." And in her defense 2 out of 911 is a very small number.

It was difficult for this reporter to stop from grabbing the hand of Minister al-Qasimi and declaring that two people could indeed make a nation, sweeping her off her feet and making sure she never knew hardship again. All that stopped me was that I could tell by the way she was dressed that she was about to go scuba diving, and the armed bodyguard.


Lautenberg Accused of Racism

Thursday, March 02, 2006

(SNN Newark) A civil rights group yesterday accused Sen. Frank Lautenberg (D-N.J.) of making racist comments during a New Jersey rally this week. The Senator was condemning the takeover of U.S. port operations by an United Arab Emirates owned company. Lautenberg denied the accusation, calling it a "bum rap."

At the rally, Lautenberg raised questions about homeland security risks involved in turning over port terminals in six cities including Newark. "We wouldn't transfer the title to the devil; we're not going to transfer it to Dubai," Lautenberg said.

The American Anti-Bigotry Committee for Devils Demons and Imps said in a statement that it "values honest and fair debate, and fully supports all measures to keep our country safe." But the group said Lautenberg's comparison is unacceptable.

"His comments compound paranoia, and outright racism in order to make otherwise unsubstantiated points," said the group. "It wasn't meant as an insult at all," Lautenberg said. " I said I won't do business with the devil and I won't do business with Dubai."

"Of course my community supports any measure that makes our country more secure, including an honest debate about port security," said AABCDD President James Adramalech. "There are many honest hard working demons and devils in America that came here seeking a better life and a release from the fires of eternal damnation."


T. Rex Dethroned as Largest Carnivore

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

(SNN Milan) The Spinosaurus is now officially the biggest carnivorous dinosaur known to science. This two legged carnivorous dinosaur or theropod has now replaced the T. Rex as the king of king sized carnivores.

The Spinosaurus was 55 feet long, weighed 8 tons and had long, crocodile-like jaws. The dinosaur was actually known of as early as 1915, when it was discovered by paleontologist Ernst Stromer. Fossil evidence was destroyed by allied bombers who were attempting to stop a Nazi plot to attack England with cloned, or possibly robotic, dinosaurs.

Tyrannosaurus rex was 40 to 50 feet long, weighed 6 tons, and had teeth up to 13 inches long. Led by vocalist Marc Bolan, the dinosaur was a leader in the glam rock movement in Britain. In October of 1970, Bolan shortened the group's name to T. Rex and released "Ride a White Swan," a fuzz-drenched single driven by a rolling backbeat. T. Rex's music added dirty, simple grooves to the underlying sexuality of early rock & roll. While popular in the UK, in America, the group only had one major hit -- the Top Ten "Bang a Gong (Get It On)".

It is unknown why paleontologists are so hung up on size, but whenever they are given the opportunity, they whip out a measuring tape and start comparing their bones. Greg Erickson of Florida State University says mass, not length, is the best standard for comparing size, because it gets around the problem of different shapes.