One Man’s Political Signs Not Going Away
Friday, December 31, 2004
In our current political climate, brother is turned against brother, mother against son and neighbor against neighbor. Some say that people should get over elections and not leave old political signs cluttering up their yards. But who are we if we give up principles? How can we give up our faith in a man who we chose to be our leader?
How can we give up our faith in a man who we chose to be our leader?
A few who have found themselves on a losing side of an election simply say goodbye. They take down yard signs and pull bumper stickers off their cars. Some even go as far as to criticize those that keep the bumper sticker and signs of the winner. But others stubbornly hold on. One of these people is Rod Sherman. Sherman, 89, is a staunch conservative living in Madison, Wisconsin.
Sherman’s neighbors seem unhappy with his decision to keep promoting his political affiliation.
Sherman’s neighbors seem unhappy with his decision to keep promoting his political affiliation. Recently they have even tried to pass an ordinance against the signs that he has in his yard. Sherman fought them in court, and a judge ruled that the ordinance violated his first amendment rights. “I put those signs out there because I believed in the man I voted for,” said Sherman. “I’m not pulling it up for nothing.” Sherman says he is quite angry with liberals that called the Republican Nominee “McCarthyistic” and “nuke happy”.
In addition to the signs in his yard, Sherman also refused to take the bumper sticker off his car. “I put that sticker on the car the day I bought it, and it’s going to stay there,” said Sherman. Sherman says that people come up to him and ask him about the bumper sticker all the time. “It’s surprising how many people ask me about it, especially young people,” Sherman said. With that final word, Sherman got into his 1964 Fleetwood and drove away, giving me one last glimpse of his bumper sticker “Au H20 -> 64”.
Editor’s Note: The year in review.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
It is mind boggling that perhaps the biggest news story of the year is currently unfolding in the last week: The earthquake and tsunami has killed so many and is promising to kill so many more. It is a disaster of a magnitude that is barely imaginable. It seems like only yesterday the entire world was shocked by the downing of the twin towers. Now we face a disaster where the loss of life may eventually exceed that one by one hundred fold. This tragedy is so great that there is no easy way to transition into the rest of this post.
Why do newspapers, magazines, and other news agencies feel compelled to do a year in review?
I’m often asked, "Why do newspapers, magazines, and other news agencies feel compelled to do a year in review?" The answer varies from organization to organization. Some feel that it is only proper to look back on the year and gain some perspective on how far we have come. Some are looking to fill pages left empty from the good will towards man following the holiday season. And many, like NewsBlog 5000, have incorporated in Delaware, where it is required by law.
In this spirit, we bring you the Instigator of the Year competition. The instigator of the year is the man or woman who has caused the most useless news in 2004. Someone who makes you roll your eyes whenever you see them on TV. Someone that makes you wonder why you aren’t in the news.
Let’s not forget Saddam Hussein and his badly nicknamed cohort Chemical Ali.
There were some good contestants this year that were overlooked. Celebrities are always a favorite. Janet Jackson comes to mind. It will be a long time before we forget about her boob, or the damage he did by exposing her breast. And of course, Britney Spears started off the year with a flash wedding which left most people scratching their heads. And lest we forget the men we love to hate, there was Scott Peterson who calmly watched whilst lawyers described the murder of his wife. There were Osama bin Laden’s occasional messages to remind us the despite the best efforts of most of the world, he was still alive. And let’s not forget Saddam Hussein and his badly nicknamed cohort Chemical Ali.
This is where most organizations would put pictures and short bios of all of their nominees. The beauty of the Instigator of the Year award is that if you do not know who they are, they don’t deserve your vote.
Update 1: Google has a nice page set up with a list of disaster relief agencies. If you weren't going to give anything, just give $5. You won't even miss it, and it will make a difference.
Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor
Washington Election is Now Certifiable
Thursday, December 30, 2004
After a hand recount, Democrat Christine Gregoire has been declared Washington’s new Governor Elect. Though fraught with problems, the third tally has shown Gregoire ahead by 129 votes. Some say that the election is still up in the air, as Republican Dino Rossi won the first two tallies. However, this third tally is the last allowed by state law, until the inevitable appeal to the judicial system.
this third tally is the last allowed by state law
In a letter to Gregoire on Wednesday, Rossi expressed worry that the problems surrounding the election had shaken voter confidence. Through the last six weeks, Rossi has showed that his opinion of the integrity of American democracy has not changed. "Quite frankly, folks, this election has been a total mess," Rossie said. Rossie believes that the will of the people of Washington should be allowed to select Washington’s chief Executive despite the results of the election.
Political wrangling aside, whenever an election is this close we are always reminded of the little people. Little people like Kent Oreschmitt, who was standing in line when polls opened. Oreschmitt, a self admitted Gregoire fanatic, voted 329 times before returning home to Vancouver, BC. It could be theorized that without Oreschmitt’s votes, Gregoire would have found it much more difficult to win the election.
Quite frankly, folks, this election has been a total mess.
Rossi and the Republican Party have about 3 weeks to decide what they are going to do about the election. Instead of a long drawn-out legal battle, it is expected that Rossi will be pushing for a re-vote. "A revote would be the best solution for the people of our state and would give us a legitimate governorship," he said.
But beware Rossi. In the event of a recount, Kent Oreschmitt will be coming back. When asked what his plans where, Oreschmitt just smiled and said, “It's 143 miles to Seattle, I've got a full tank of gas, a half a pack of cigarettes, three hundred and fifty pieces of false identification and I’m off my medication.”
Go Ask Alice
Thursday, December 30, 2004
My boyfriend is smart, funny, good looking and sensitive. All my girlfriends tell me he is a perfect catch. But lately, we have had a problem. To start off, he has quite large “equipment”. At first, I was impressed, but the fascination quickly wore off. Secondly, he is insatiable. We end up having sex ten or more times a week, and I am sure that he wants more. I feel like if I can’t give him the sex he needs, he might leave me.
You are right to be worried. Very often good relationships go bad over sex. While I would like to tell you that only you can decided when you should have sex, your problem is a tricky one. I would like to give you advice on this issue, but it’s really your boyfriend that I need to talk to. While I am not a licensed therapist, I think I could help him. If possible, I would like to arrange to speak to him alone, possibly for multiple face to face sessions. I think this would be the best way to get a handle on the size of his problem.
I think my gaydar is broken. I always end up hitting on the only straight guys in a gay bar. I even have trouble convincing guys in clubs that I am gay. Recently, I asked a male coworker from another department for some drinks after work. I’d seen him around and we even had had a short conversation in the gym we get discount memberships to. I was thrilled when he said yes. Now, I was absolutely sure that everyone in the office knew that I was gay. I met him at the end of the day, and he had two of his mates from his department with him. We ended up going to a sports bar, eating chicken wings, and watching football highlights. What is a boy to do?
Have you ever considered that maybe you are not a homosexual? I know this may come as a shock, but you ended up in a sports bar watching football? While I have no firsthand knowledge of gaydar, I think you should see a glimmer in the eye or a slight glow to anyone who is gay. If you don’t see this, you probably aren’t gay at all. Maybe you should even consider settling down with some nice girl.
I have a friend who is a terrible re-gifter. This Christmas was the worst. I never even saw him open a present. I know he is shamelessly giving the gifts I give him to someone else. If you ask him to open one in front of you, he will make up some lame excuse. It would be too embarrassing to stop buying him presents. What should I do?
If you really want to make sure he looks at your gift, give it to him without wrapping it. I know it probably goes against your nature, but a little rudeness on your part is acceptable considering his behavior. If it were me, I would give him something really embarrassing, like a sex toy. Or possibly give him an empty box with something heavy in it like a piece of wood. He should get the message.
Colin to Press Ball’s Button
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
Colin Powell, Secretary of State, will celebrate New Year’s Eve in Times Square. Powell, a native New Yorker, will be the guest of honor for the festivities. Powell reportedly only took 20 minutes to answer Mayor Michael Bloomberg. “Colin Powell is as New York as you could possibly be,” said Mayor Bloomberg.
Powell, a native New Yorker, will be the guest of honor for the festivities.
The worldwide televised festivities are usually hosted by TV personality Dick Clarke. Clarke, 39, has been hosting the festivities for the last 32 years. He will be forced to miss the celebration this year due to an untimely stroke. Hosting duties will be taken over by talk show host, Regis Philbin.
Powell announced his resignation from the Bush Administration in November, and has been considering new positions in both the public and private arenas. It seems likely that Powell is testing the waters with Philbin, who has been known to occasionally consider new co-hosts for his daytime show. However, political pundits are questioning whether Powell would be able to influence Philbin’s show as much as Kelly Rippa. It has also been rumored that Powell is considering a position with Good Morning America or possibly his own show on MSNBC.
Osama bin Laden Appoints Emir, Condemns Election
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Our sources within the CIA are claiming “moderate confidence” that the voice featured on a two minute audio tape is that of Osama bin Laden. The tape kicked off a string of attacks on Iraqi Security Forces and other targets today. The tape named Abu Musab al-Zarqawi as al-Qaida’s leader in Iraq and denounced the elections to be held in January.
Zarqawi gets almost daily press, and as a front line fighter with a clearly anti-American message
The appointment of Zarqawi seemed inevitable. Zarqawi’s insurgency is the biggest, the bloodiest, the most dramatic and the most public. He gets almost daily press, and as a front line fighter with a clearly anti-American message, Zarqawi has a lot to offer bin Laden’s image among the Islamic Community. The alliance with a group that fights against Shiite Muslims, however, remains risky for bin Laden, who wishes to be seen as a global leader.
Accused of masterminding the Iraqi insurgency, Zarqui continues to be quite unpopular in the United States. In addition to his unpopularity with America, he receives frequent emails claiming that his penis size is inadequate. Zarqawi assumes the emails are being sent by the CIA, but the insinuation hurts nonetheless. This vote of confidence from bin Laden is quite a confidence booster for Zarqawi, who is reportedly upset over being condemned to death in his native Jordan and called a "street thug" by Jordanian King Abdullah II. It is quite unlikely that there was an exchange of Christmas cards between Zarqui and Abdullah II.
While building up Zarqui, bin Laden attempted to tear down the Iraqi elections.
While building up Zarqui, bin Laden attempted to tear down the Iraqi elections. In a twist on P. Diddy’s “Vote or Die” campaign, bin Laden has told the people of Iraq to “Vote and Die”. The al-Qaeda leader declared that all those who took part in the January 30 elections were to be “infidels”. This comes as an additional blow to elections that have already seen the pullout of the Sunni Muslim party. The party felt that it was “obliged” to pull out after the refusal of authorities to postpone the elections to ensure broader participation. Colon Powell has publicly stated that Sunni involvement is critical to the success of the election.
So finally, we have a clear vision of Osama bin Laden’s vision. Bin Laden wishes to be seen as a father figure to the global Islamic Community while killing Shiites. He also wants to ensure the freedom and self determination of the people in Iraq by encouraging them to fight instead of vote. He wishes to dial information for phone numbers that could easily be looked up in the book. Finally, he wishes to bankrupt America which is trillions of dollars in debt.
Instigator of the Year
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
NewsBlog 5000 is now taking nominations for Instigator of the Year. The criteria is simple. Nominate the person who you though caused the most news stories in 2004. Your nomination will be given points based on how much news they have caused. Bonus points will be given to for statements divorced from reality and other signs of derangement, but only for the nominee, not the nominator.
Although it is out of fashion, Gmail invites will be given to the first 5 nominators who ask for it. If you want Gmail, say "I want Gmail" and leave your email address. Mention of wanting Gmail and email address should be included in your comment or can be emailed to reporterX@gmail.com for the sake of privacy. Instigators must be nominated for eligibility. No Gmail invites will be sent to Gmail addresses. Nominate as many times as you like. NewsBlog 5000 staff, Google Employees, and their families are not eligible for Gmail invites. If no one is nominated by Thursday, we'll just start making up names. Offer void in
Moore Film to Target Healthcare Industry
Monday, December 27, 2004
Michael Moore’s new film is already causing controversy. The film is titled “Sickos” and is about the American Healthcare system. At least six major drug companies have sent some form of warning to employees about possible ambush interviews from Moore. While Moore has done pieces on the Healthcare Industry on television, this is the first time he has attempted a full length feature on this subject.
Michael Moore’s new film is already causing controversy.
Refusing to stoop to Moore’s level, pharmaceutical companies have responded to the expected criticism of their products and tactics with criticism of Moore’s products and tactics. "Moore's past work has been marked by negativity, so we can only assume it won't be a fair and balanced portrayal”, said Rachel Bloom, executive director of corporate communications for AstraZeneca. She went on to say Moore’s movies “resemble docudramas more than documentaries."
Moore’s movies “resemble docudramas more than documentaries."
Like most movies about the healthcare industry, Moore’s movie is expected to feature 3 young girls, candy stripers or possibly student nurses, on a journey of erotic experimentation while trying to snag a handsome young doctor as a husband. This may even have been foreshadowed in Moore’s film “Canadian Bacon” which featured young Canadian candy stripers experimenting with light bondage.
Moore was questioned at his Michigan home about whether he was hiring real doctors to help these young girls experiment with their sexuality. "I didn't need to,” said Moore. “So many doctors have offered to help.” Moore decided to make a movie about the sex lives of medical professionals because it is a notion that the average American can relate to. "Being screwed by your HMO,” Moore said, “is the shared American experience.”
A Christmas Miracle in Ukraine
Monday, December 27, 2004
Western leaning Ukrainian opposition leader, Viktor Yushchenko claimed victory today. With 99.5% of the vote counted, Yushchenko appeared in Kiev’s Independence Square today to make his victory speech. Yushchenko currently holds a 52% to 44% lead over Yanukovych, the candidate preferred by Russian President, Putin. In his speech, Yushchenko said, "The people proved their power. They rebelled against probably the most cynical regime in eastern Europe."
The Presidential election held in November was clearly fraudulent.
The Presidential election held in November was clearly fraudulent. Ukrainian traditions for fraudulent elections are different from the US. On the opposition’s side, Protesters took to the streets for two weeks of mass protest. The pro-Russian, traditionalist Yanukovych supporters responded by poisoning Yushchenko and nearly killing him, and kidnapped Yushchenko’s kitten.
he desperately wanted to get home for Christmas.
Yushchenko’s kitten Markov, 7 months, spent a grueling 3 weeks in the hands of Eastern supporters. Finally, ten days ago, Markov took his chances on an escape and began the grueling walk from Chernihiv back to Kiev in the cruel Ukrainian winter. Markov suffered many bitter defeats on the way to Ukraine before finally being taken in by a kindly sugar beet farmer. While Markov was indebted to the farmer, he desperately wanted to get home for Christmas. Markov knew he had to press on for the sake of the election.
Finally, on the 24th, the kitten pulled itself up to the doorstep of Yuchchenko’s Kiev headquarters, just in time for both his first Christmas and the election. After suffering the elements, Little Markov looked half starved and bedraggled, much like Teresa Kerry on the eve of the US presidential election. Ironically, Markov didn’t know that most Ukrainians don’t celebrate Christmas until the 7th of January.
Editor’s note: Christmas Cheer
Thursday, December 23, 2004
The holidays, specifically Christmas, presents a special challenge for the small news organization. While larger organizations can merely have some canned columns prepared and have eager up and coming reporters to take the place of vacationing senior staffers, we just have Scotty. Now I’m not saying that Scotty is a bad reporter, but should I let him run the office from today until Monday. The answer is, maybe next year.
we are going to give you an extra long “Go Ask Alice”
So the decision is made. Rather than let Skippy have the reigns for the weekend, we are going to give you an extra long “Go Ask Alice”. Alice has been very excited about this column and has been working carefully to choose the right letters. This came as a relief to the rest of us that feared she would be hitting the Christmas cheer early.
We also have started to see a core group of regular readers, most of them relatives of Skippy.
We celebrated another milestone this week. We are now sitting on over 3000 hits. While many of these are due to BlogExplosion, we also have started to see a core group of regular readers, most of them relatives of Skippy.
So a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from all of us at NewsBlog 5000 to all of you at home. We will be back on Monday with the news you want, the news you need, and the news you absolutely positively can not live without, but probably not until Monday.
Go Ask Alice
Thursday, December 23, 2004
My son is fifteen and a huge Star Wars fan. I have always encouraged him to be creative and imaginative, but something happened the other day that left me very disturbed. I was bringing some laundry into his room, and I found him performing fellatio on a lightsaber toy. Should I be worried?
My advice is to give you son some space to discover who he is. While discovering your child’s sexual experiment was quite disturbing, you should not be too worried about his ultimate outcome. Many boys become experimental at that age. However, no matter what the eventual sexual preference of your child, it is not a choice you can make. If I were you, I might consider chaperoning your son to Episode III. He probably doesn’t need to be left alone with a room of lonely middle aged men holding their own lightsabers.
I am a high school history teacher. Ever since I was student teaching, I have been tempted by the high school girls. Lately, it has been worse, there has been a particular student actively perusing me. I have given into temptation and although we have not yet had sex, she and I have been meeting every Thursday afternoon at my house for “make out” sessions. The longer this continues, the greater the temptation increases, what should I do?
I am not a psychiatrist, nor am I your lawyer. Not only is your information not confidential, but people writing me expecting their questions to get displayed on the internet. Not only did you send me this information about you compromising your position of trust and possibly breaking the law, but you used your school email address and included your full signature. With this information, you would be pretty easy to track down. Interestingly enough, I have an old friend that lives near you and he was taking some pictures in your neighborhood last Thursday afternoon. Your house has lovely big windows, and I thought you might be interested in some of the photographs. You may even want to buy all of them along with the negatives. Email me again, and maybe we can come to some arrangement.
I am engaged and plan to have a wedding in June. There is not an easy way to say this, but the other day, I came home to find my fiancé wearing one of my dresses. I was disturbed to find out that he looked better in the dress than I did. Now I am wondering if we can make our marriage work.
For the sake of your marriage to be, I think you should immediately seek counseling. As long as you have similar skin tone and build, a good fashion consultant can find outfits that you can both look good in. Think of all the money you can save in the long run. If you do have a similar skin tone, you should also approach your future husband on the subject of cosmetics.
I have been dieting and having pretty good success. How do you suggest I keep the weight off during the holidays?
I can’t believe you. If you think that there was some answer to this question, people wouldn’t already know about it. I mean really, do you think that I have some kind of magic wand? There are probably 200 magazines out right now with a list of holiday eating dos and don’t. I suggest you buy one. It won’t help, but at least you can say you tried.
I’ve been dating this really sweet girl that very much cares about me, but I’ve always lusted after this friend of mine, Tracy. Recently Tracy has separated from her boyfriend and I asked her if she would like to date me. Her response was, “I don’t know.” Well, the other night, we were in a nightclub (as friends) and she kissed another guy in front of me. She apologized later for being inconsiderate but not for kissing the guy. Should I continue to pursue her?
You should definitely get rid of sweet girl. Tracy obviously is trying to make you jealous. Telling you that she is lukewarm about the concept of dating, taking you on a platonic “date” and going as far as kissing another guy in front of you are definitely the kind of signals you should be looking for. Tracy is probably very attracted to you and is inhibited because of fear of losing your friendship or your relationship with sweet girl. You just need to lower her inhibitions. Get her drunk, and somewhere between the point that she forgets her own name and she passes out, she will probably have sex with you. Because of her level of inhibition, you may have to do this several times before she admits to a relationship.
N. Ireland Bank Robbery may Bolster IRA
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
It almost sounds like a movie plot. Thieves kidnap the families of two top bankers and force them to help steal more than $39 million from vaults of a banks main office. But, unfortunately, this is not a movie. This happened yesterday in North Ireland. The raid on the bank was so organized that police didn’t even know about the robbery until three hours after it occurred.
between $39 million and $58 million was stolen
The police officer leading the investigation, Assistant Chief Constable Sam Kinkaid, said that gunmen invaded the homes of two senior employees of Northern Bank Sunday and warned the executives that their families would be killed if they did not cooperate. Monday Morning, before bankers’ hours, the robbers began clearing out vaults packed with cash waiting to be distributed to the bank’s 95 locations. While no accurate count has yet been done, estimates are ranging between $39 million and $58 million was stolen. Kirkland refused to comment on the group who perpetrated the robbery, but many fear the influence of the IRA.
Kirkland refused to comment on the group who perpetrated the robbery
The IRA, or Individual Retirement Account, was established by Congress in 1974 to encourage people to save for their retirement. The plan allows an individual to contribute 100% of earned income or $2000, whichever is less and tax deductibility can be optional.
Many baby boomers are becoming conscious of the fact that their IRA might not be enough to sustain their lifestyle through retirement, especially given the rising cost of prescription drugs. To add to this fear is the message from the White House that Social Security may not be dependable in the near future. It has long been theorized that baby boomers may turn to a life of crime if their retirement planning seemed in jeopardy.
New Harry Potter Announced, NHS Funding Increase Expected
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Yesterday, J.K. Rowling, a woman whose wealth and follower’s devotion challenges Oprah, announced that she had finished the new Harry Potter book on her website. The new book is titled “Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince” and a US and UK release date of July 16th has already been given to the book.
A US and UK release date of July 16th has already been given to the book.
This release date comes as a great comfort to fans that feared a repeat of the missed deadline perpetrated by Rowling during the writing of her previous book “The Order of the Phoenix”. While Rowling claims that she did not suffer writer’s block during the writing of Phoenix, she did admit to feeling a great deal of stress over her book “The Chamber of Secrets”. At one point, she even contemplated breaking her arm to put back the deadline.
One thing that is not a comfort to Potter fans is Rowling’s admission that one of the main characters will be killed in the book. Rowling has kept quiet about the identity of the victim even to her publisher.
The character to die will be Ginny Weasley.
“The Order of the Phoenix sold 1.8 million copies on its first day in Britain. The release of the new book is expected to be even higher. Early projections have shown that if the British population depends on their own ability to buy the book, there will be 1.7 copies of the book in every British home by Christmas of 2005.
Due to fears of the public over purchasing the book and problems with distribution lines, Parliament has been hammering out a new bill that would award a major funding increase to the NHS in order to negotiate a lower price for the books. It is likely that the funding increase will be eventually phased out after the children that read the book receive counseling for the death of the main character. Parliament is 90% certain that the law will be passed in time and that the character to die will be Ginny Weasley. However, it has been reported that a faction from within Labour is disputing Ginny’s status as a main character. Upon successful passage of the law, British families will be able to start picking up a copy of the book in NHS hospitals by 2006.
America’s Greatest Gay President
Monday, December 20, 2004
Next month, the book “The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln” by author C. A. Tripp will be published. In this book, Tripp tries to show that one of American’s greatest Presidents, Abraham Lincoln, was a homosexual. While these allegations have existed in academia since the 1920s, they have been largely ignored. In his book, Tripp claims that Lincoln had a long term sexual relationship with his friend Joshua Speed. According to the book, Speed was a man.
While these allegations have existed in academia since the 1920s, they have been largely ignored.
This has caused quite a bit of controversy in Republican circles. Republicans, who are currently pushing for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, do not take well to having the father of their party called “a little that way, if you know what I mean”. Some have called the book “obscene blasphemy”. Some are resigned to the fact that no matter what the evidence shows, the ideas behind it will work their way into popular belief. They fear that liberal teachers, armed with a popular belief that Lincoln was gay, will use that belief to convince schoolchildren that there is nothing wrong with being gay. They worry that an entire generation of homosexuals will grow up without having to live in shame and fear.
Judith Reisman of the Institute for Media Education said: "They want to claim everyone you have heard of in history, from Jesus Christ onwards, was secretly gay or something similar. This is patently untrue." Ms. Reisman is most definitely correct. It only stands to reason that of all the people mentioned in history books over the last 2000 years, at least one of them must have been a heterosexual. It is yet to be determined what she meant by “something similar”.
Everyone you have heard of in history, from Jesus Christ onwards, was secretly gay
Despite the conservative belief that Lincoln’s homosexuality is most believable, the evidence seems a little shaky. First and foremost, the book has not even been released yet, so it has not yet received a wide scrutiny. Secondly, much of the postulation is based on reports of Lincoln sleeping with other men. This was a quite regular practice at the time, when beds were scarce and there was no central heating, and there was no Showtime after dark to take away the yearnings of loneliness. But a small bit of curiosity and naked groping on an especially cold night does not a homosexual make.
Also, used by Tripp was a poem written by Lincoln when he was a young man.
Billy has married a boy
The girlies he tried on every side/but none could he get to agree
All was in vain he went home again/and since that is married to Natty.
But in recent years, it has been scientifically proven that you do not have to be gay to write poetry.
Lincoln was that gay and his thighs were that perfect
One of Lincoln’s alleged lovers goes as far as to describe Lincoln’s thighs as ‘perfect as a human being could be'. This can be easily refuted as sheer hyperbole. If Lincoln was that gay and his thighs were that perfect, surly someone else would have written something down on the subject.
Many doubt the sincerity of Tripp’s motives. Tripp was not only a homosexual, but he was a researcher at the Kinsey institute. Also, Tripp was accused of fabricating evidence for the book by a former partner. Some say that he conveniently died before the publication of the book, so that he would not have to justify his claims.
U.S. settles WWII looting claims
Monday, December 20, 2004
The U.S. government has agreed to settle with 30,000 Hungarian Jews for looting by the American Army. Army personnel allegedly plundered an estimated $50 million to $120 million that had been seized by Nazis.
Army personnel allegedly plundered an estimated $50 million to $120 million
The Justice Department tentatively told a judge Monday that they and the families involved have agreed in principle to a financial award. While terms have not yet been worked out, U.S. District Judge Patricia Seitz told attorneys to deliver a detailed settlement by Feb. 18.
The Justice Department had originally urged the court to dismiss the case, saying the U.S. government bears no responsibility. But the Bush administration came under bipartisan pressure from members of Congress to settle. "This agreement is a step closer to the goal we all share, a measure of justice for these Holocaust victims and their families," said Sen. Charles Schumer, D-N.Y.
“Who is going to stand up against a generous payment to Holocaust survivors?”
The looting occurred near the end of WWII. A private named Kelly was interviewing a German Colonel and discovered the plot to transfer the Nazi claimed riches to a more secure base. Kelly’s platoon, led by Big Joe, had 3 days of R&R coming. So with the aid of a Supply Sergeant know only as Crapgame and Oddball, a tank commander and anachronistic hippie, Kelly led his men through enemy lines to steal the treasure for themselves.
Despite the settlement, New York University professor, Roland Zweig, claims that American Forces put in a “very serious effort” to protect the riches. “Who is going to stand up against a generous payment to Holocaust survivors?” Zweig said.
Hoping Your Festivus will be filled with the Airing of Grievances.
Sunday, December 19, 2004
This guest column is provided to us by Dale Carnast, Director of Religious Studies at Boston Harbor University.
In what was perhaps the most memorable episode of one of the most beloved television shows of our time, the word “Festivus” was said. Since then, it has been seeping into the collective unconscious. A search of Google news finds dozens of articles written about the holiday. A web search on Google finds over 100,000 mentions. It is estimated that this year, over 2700 Festivus parties will be held.
The traditions of the holiday include an aluminum pole, venerated for its strength to weight ratio
The holiday is celebrated on December 23rd. The traditions of the holiday include an aluminum pole, venerated for its strength to weight ratio, the airing of grievances around the dinner table, and feats of strength. Perhaps you have noticed the aluminum pole that I had Scrappy place at the top of our site?
The origins of the holiday go back a little before that Seinfeld episode. The holiday was invented by Dan O’Keefe, a former editor for readers digest. O’Keefe mentioned Festivus in is book “Stolen Lightening”, 1977, a study of cults, astrology and paranormal as a defense against social pressures. O’Keefe’s son, Daniel, was a writer on Seinfeld.
The holiday was invented by Dan O’Keefe, a former editor for readers digest.
There are many reasons to celebrate Festivus. As stated in the Seinfeld episode, it provides a simple celebration for those burned out by the commercialism of Christmas. It allows a secular winter celebration, which is important in todays less homoreligious families. It opens holidays to that unrepresented minority who fear large men in red suits. It is safe for those allergic to poinsettias. It allows family and or friends to get together in a time when their holidays line up. Many find it fun to be involved in a new and quickly evolving holiday. Perhaps some are just rebelling against those who claim saying anything as secular as “Happy Holidays” as an affront.
Festivus is gathering a steady group of detractors.
Festivus is gathering a steady group of detractors. Some believe the holiday is to dangerous, citing the case of Nelson Manvil, who was killed last year when his newly purchased 10 foot Festivus pole got caught in power lines. Others are not happy with yet another winter holiday that not only does not represent the birth of Christ, but is fully nondenominational. Many point to a riot started in 2002 when an airing of grievances went bad. And no one can forget 1999 when Jamie Parmas was hospitalized after a feat of strength challenge, which ended his hopes of an NFL career.
Several of these people have started an organization, “Festivus Affronts God”, based in Houston Texas. “This is just another effort of the Jews and the homosexual agenda, and the same goes for Chanukah,” said Founder Harlen McAntee, during a recent rally. The F.A.G., pronounced: eff ay gee, has already held one event. Unfortunately, no one told them that aluminum poles do not burn. Perhaps these F.A.G.s would benefit from an airing of grievances. Members of the “Homosexual Agenda” were unavailable for comment, as they do not hold meetings in December.
So, “Happy Festivus” to its followers. And a reminder to the Festivus detractors, Festivus is for the rest of us.
Today’s Muslim American Problem
Saturday, December 18, 2004
A recent poll by Cornell University showed that 4% more Americans favored no curtailing of civil liberties for Muslim Americans than favored some restrictions of civil liberties. James Shanahan, a principal investigator in the study, stated that they were not “offering this data as a warning signal or to make policy decisions”. Shanahan went on to say, "But our results highlight the need for continued dialogue about issues of civil liberties in this time of war." This data will be very important to lawmakers, who will use it both as a warning signal and to influence policy decisions.
Republicans favored restrictions two to one over Democrats.
Three cubed percent believed that Muslim Americans should be forced to register with the Federal Government and one percent less wants the monitoring of mosques by law enforcement agencies. Half the number that want some restrictions of civil liberties would also like to see racial profiling of Muslim Americans, which is also four percent less than the number who think Mosques that should be monitored. Republicans favored restrictions two to one over Democrats. The number of Democrats that favored the restrictions is the second greatest prime number less than one fifth of respondents.
Islamophobia is a growing phenomenon in American society
The Council on American-Islamic Relations, meanwhile, asked the nation's leaders to "recognize that Islamophobia is a growing phenomenon in American society that must be urgently addressed." "Our nation and its values are diminished whenever any faith or ethnic group is viewed with such suspicion and hostility," said the council's executive director Nihad Awad.
The percent of Americans who believe that there will be a major terrorist attack in the United States in the next 12 months can be expressed by a prime number that is than 1/3 of respondents but less than 2/5 of respondents, but this number is 53% less than two years ago. A greater percent of those that believe that attacks would come attend religious services and watch television news regularly.
The study’s margin of error was 3.6%.
White House Backs Rumsfeld
Friday, December 17, 2004
Amid controversy about the retention of Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, White House spokesman Scott McClellan issued a statement today saying, “Secretary Rumsfeld is doing a great job leading our efforts at the Department of Defense to win the war on terrorism and to help bring about a free and peaceful Iraq.” This statement has left many wondering if McClellan perhaps missed a memo or something.
McClellan perhaps missed a memo or something.
Rumsfeld has come under heavy partisan scrutiny lately by Democrats, and world leaders, and his generals, and Republicans. His critics say that Rumsfeld has mismanaged the War on Terror, and not listened to his Generals, and is cold hearted toward the common soldier, and is recklessly arrogant, and made a pass at Kobe Bryant’s wife.
"I don't think he listens enough to his uniformed officers."
Two of the most scathing criticisms come from members of his own party: Arizona Senator, John McCain, and former Senate Majority Trent Lott. Lott said, “I'm not a fan of Secretary Rumsfeld. . . I don't think he listens enough to his uniformed officers.” Lott went on to say that he would like to see Rumsfeld replaced. McCain said he had no confidence in the defense secretary.
Rumsfeld played down his critics' accusations of arrogance. “George Washington was constantly criticized, John Adams was constantly criticized, Abraham Lincoln was vilified and criticized,” Rumsfeld said during a recent radio interview. “And our country's always survived it.” So far, so good.
Go Ask Alice
Thursday, December 16, 2004
First of all, I’d like to say that I am a big fan of your column, especially because I am an Alice too! The other night my SO and I were bored so we rented a couple of movies. One of these was the Mary Kate and Ashley movie, “New York Minute”. The movie was entertaining, but nothing to get excited about. Yesterday, I came home from work early. I work as a waitress, and sometimes they send us home early because business was slow. I found my SO in the living room, masturbating to a copy of the movie that he had made. What should I do?
Your letter was filled with useless information.
Your letter was filled with useless information. Try to keep it to the point next time. AH, you need to confront your SO right away. Copying movies is against the law. You should have him destroy the copy immediately and send an apology to Warner Home Video promising that he will never do it again.
My 17 year old daughter is trying to convince me to buy her breast implants. She says that many of her friends have already had the surgery done and it’s very safe. But I’m still concerned if she should be making this decision so early in life.
every plastic surgery carries risks
Your daughter is obviously suffering from low self esteem. There is no surgery that can fix this. But if you do let her have the surgery, she will have low self esteem, a higher paying job, and a richer husband. It might help if you put yourself in your daughter’s shoes. While every plastic surgery carries risks, would you rather be dead or ugly?
Editors Note: Rights and Responsibilities
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Today marks yet another week of operation from our fledgling news organization. During the past week, our traffic has more than doubled. This is mostly due to BlogExplosion. BlogExplosion is a sort of mutual benefit society where you pretend to read blogs and then other people pretend to read your blog. In less than a week, we have received over 400 visitors to our site. This, as always, pleases our investors, who measure success one hit at a time and do not understand log analysis.
I hold others to higher standards than myself.
You may have noticed links to a couple of charities on the bottom of our sidebar. We provide these in the finest tradition of charity promotion in the media, and because we have almost unlimited space and no real advertisers.
After looking through the vast number of complaints we get each week, I came across this one from John. John asks, “Where did you get the right to determine how another man spends his (well earned) money?” Well, this is a very good question John. The fact is that, as a journalist, my job mainly consists of poking my nose into the business of others and criticizing them. It is not a right, but a responsibility that I hold others to higher standards than myself. I do this not for me, but for you my gentle readers.
Kim Jong-Il: World’s Biggest Little Fanatic
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Some call him crazy. Some call him a fanatic, but Kim Jong-Il, leader of North Korea, is reportedly one of the worlds biggest movie buffs. Kim’s collection reportedly contains over 20,000 titles. Among Kim’s favorites are the Godzilla movies, James Bond movies and the Godfather. Included in his massive collection is a copy of every movie ever to win an Oscar. Despite being the worlds biggest fan, the scrappy little dictator stands only 5’ 2” tall.
Kim is so crazy
Kim is so crazy about the silver screen that he kidnapped a famous South Korean director, Shin Sang Ok, and his actress ex-wife Che Eun Hui in 1978. Kim kept them for eight years and forced them to produce propaganda films.
North Korea refused to answer any detailed questions on Kim Jong-Il
Recently, we contacted the North Korean government for information. North Korea refused to answer any detailed questions on Kim Jong-Il, or about his movie collection. It is not yet known whether Team America: World Police has yet been viewed by the dogmatic oppressor. It is also rumored that Pierce Brosnan was offered a high rank in the North Korean military as a first step in grooming him as Kim’s successor. This might explain why Brosnan will no longer be appearing in Bond films.
Ten Commandments Still Alive in American Judicial System
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Tuesday, an Alabama judge refused to delay a trial when an attorney objected to him wearing the Ten Commandments embroidered on his judicial robes. Circuit Judge Ashley McKathan began wearing the embroidered robes Monday. The Commandments were described as large enough to read by anyone near the Judge. Attorney Riley Powell tried objecting to the robe and asking for a continuance, but the motions were denied.
The Ten Commandments can help a judge know the difference between right and wrong.
McKathan believes that the Commandments represent the truth “and you can't divorce the law from the truth.” McKathan added, “The Ten Commandments can help a judge know the difference between right and wrong.” Also, McKathan doesn't believe the commandments on his robe would have an adverse effect on jurors.
McKathan’s actions were applauded by former Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore, who was removed from office in 2003 from refusing to remove a Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Judicial Building in Montgomery. "I applaud Judge McKathan. It is time for our judiciary to recognize the moral basis of our law," Moore said.
A lot of the other inmates were rough with me because I had broken Commandments.
This underscores the fact that many people do not understand that our law is based on the Ten Commandments. Often people are caught by surprise by this fact and find themselves in legal hot water. One of these people is Elvis Bale. Bale, 17, is spending the next 25 years in a correctional facility in upstate New York. He was convicted in 2003 of one count of not honoring his father and mother and two counts of taking the Lord’s name in vain. Because of the seriousness of his crimes, Bale was tried as an adult. To this day, Bales does not understand why he is in prison. “I was cursing at my mom, and she picked up the phone and I said to her, ‘Who are you going to call? The cops?’ and she said, ‘No, the church.’ Now I’m in here.”
At first, Bales had trouble adjusting to prison life. “It’s hard,” Bales said, “A lot of the other inmates were rough with me because I had broken Commandments. They don’t go easy on guys like me on the inside.” But things are looking up for Bales, “I met a couple of Hindu guys that are doing life for honoring other gods before Jahweh. They are helping me out.”
CIA Leaked Memo Encourages Caution
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
An internal classified memo was sent on August 8, 2003 to CIA operatives. The memo told operatives "If the military employed any type of techniques beyond questions and answers, we should not participate and should not be present." The CIA issued the directive after complaints from operatives that Special Operations units were using coercive measures such as noise and bright light.
Each CIA operative will receive 40 to 80 hours of sensitivity training.
While, the CIA’s directive did not mention guidelines for prisoners in CIA custody, it is well known that the CIA is trying to create a better image of itself both at home and abroad. Each CIA operative will receive 40 to 80 hours of sensitivity training. Signs are now hung all over CIA headquarters in Langley declaring statements such as, “You can catch more flies with honey than with gunshot wounds”, “Fatal beatings do not aid information gathering” and “Ask questions first, apply electricity to testicles later.” Furthermore, many CIA facilities are now offering “chill-out” rooms. If an operative is under too much stress and thinks they may be inclined to violence, the operative can go into a chill-out room and relax. In these rooms, they are allowed to look at lava lamps, do some light reading, or just meditate.
"We remain a secret organization," Goss wrote.
This is just one of a number of leaked classified memos to come from the CIA recently. The leaked memos touch on topics such as how to keep quiet about the internal shakeup by new director Porter Goss, how to support the current administration without backing the president, and the likelihood of the Iraq situation becoming worse. In a recent memo about leaked memos, Goss asked CIA employees to "scrupulously honor our secrecy oath". Goss went on to say that that CIA press office should decide what information went to the press. "We remain a secret organization," Goss wrote.
These newly leaked memos come as no great surprise. There have been a flood of leaked memos over the last four years. According to leaks within the CIA, the leaks come from CIA employees looking for “political payback” to the Bush Administration. Tension within the CIA has increased greatly since the appointment of Director Goss as several senior officials have left the agency. Democrats are warning that the implosion of the CIA could be damaging to the security of the United States. They claim it is of utmost importance that the CIA keep its place as the fifth or seventh most secret intelligence gathering organization in the US government.
Gates Gives $43 Million Grant for Malaria Vaccine
Monday, December 13, 2004
Today, it was announced that OneWorld Health, UC Berkley and Amyris Biotechnologies will receive a $42.6 million grant from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. The purpose of the grant is to develop a generic form of the drug Artemisinin, which used in combination with other drugs can reduce deaths from malaria by almost 100 percent.
$2.40 is too high a price to pay for the life of a poor person in Asia or Africa.
Around 500 million come down with malaria annually. While the average cost of treatment is around $2.40, unfortunately, $2.40 is too high a price to pay for the life of a poor person in Asia or Africa. Jay Keasling, a UC Berkley professor is working to produce a genetically engineered form of artemisinin which can be produced for one tenth the cost. Ironically, this will put out of work many of the poor Asians which the drug might one day benefit.
Gates always leaves a penny in the penny jars at convenience stores.
In recent years, the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation has come under fire for giving schools copies of Microsoft Windows or computers that run on the Microsoft Windows system. But Bill Gates has shown his philanthropy in other ways. Beyond computers, the Foundation has shown a vast commitment to reforming High Schools across the country. Also, Gates always leaves a penny in the penny jars at convenience stores. Recently, after redecorating his mansion, Gates gave an employee his old sofa. That employee was able to buy a new house and an SUV with change found in the sofa.
Gates made it clear that he understands that you can’t take it with you. Recently, he has hidden eight golden tickets in versions of Windows XP. He has announced that the finders of the tickets will be given a free all expense paid tour of the Microsoft Redmond campus. At the end of the tour, one of those lucky girls or boys will be given a majority share of Microsoft stock.
Saddam’s Allies Refusing Meals
Monday, December 13, 2004
Several of Saddam’s top deputies have started to refuse meals. "Eight of the 11 did not eat breakfast and we will have to see if they eat anything for lunch," said Lt. Colonel Barry Johnson, spokesman for detainee operations. Johnson downplayed the hunger strike, first by not calling it a hunger strike and then by saying the detainees actions were just a protest. He was also quick to point out that the prisoners were taking liquids and snacking during the day.
Traditionally hunger strikes are not used as a way to attract publicity.
Traditionally hunger strikes are not used as a way to attract publicity. Most people who go on hunger strike just are bored and decide it would be fun to see what not eating would be like. As Mohandas Ghandi used to say of his 1933 fast, “I never imagined anyone would pay so much attention to my hunger strike. I was just looking for something to do. I had no idea anyone would make such a fuss. I didn’t want to be known as the father of modern India or anything. Toward the end, I would have killed for a steak, but you know how these things get away from you. I wouldn’t have wanted to let everyone down.”
Ramadan has reportedly gained 20 pounds under US custody
A lawyer for the men in custody told reporters that one of the reasons for the hunger strike was to protest the interim Iraqi government, which they say is illegal. The other reason is to lose a little weight. One of the men who went on strike is former Iraqi Vice President Taha Ramadan. Ramadan has reportedly gained 20 pounds under US custody, and is looking to take off some extra weight. “It’s crazy,” said Ramada, “The Americans feed us like kings. And there’s always plenty to eat. They even let us have their MREs, and those things are all carbs. Look at my hips and thighs, I am like a cow.”
The White House and members of the interim Iraqi government have made no statements on whether they would be willing to return power to Saddam if the strike were to continue.
Follow-up: Czech Powert Still Fighting Ford
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Last Month, we brought you the story of Czech Powert. Czech wanted the truth from Ford Motor Company about their gasoline free vehicles, which he thought ran on purified water. We caught up with Czech working his night shift as a greeter at Wal-Mart. He had disturbing news as he passed over a cart still cold from the night air.
MDI has invented an engine that runs on compressed air.
“It was a setup,” Czech said. “The documents were fakes. It was all a bluff to discredit me.” Powert had told us that he had thousands of pages of evidence linking Ford to secret bunkers, deep under Detroit, where Ford was building their AquaMobile. “Everyone knows now that their new cars run on air.”
A small company in Luxemburg, Moteur Developpment International (MDI) has invented an engine that runs on compressed air. MDI has been working towards this goal since 1991, and claims that it will have a working engine within the next year.
But are agents of the Ford Motor Company really watching Czech Powert?
This news comes to us just two days before the publication of a Newsweek article about Bill Ford, President of Ford Motor Company. President Ford, famous for his clumsiness on and off the golf course, claims a commitment to alternative energies. "My passion for the environment hasn't waned one bit over the years," Ford said. While the Newsweek article reads as a thinly veiled commercial for Ford’s new hybrid Escape SUV, it contains a rather disturbing denial from President Ford. "People think we have these things squirreled away somewhere and that we're artificially suppressing them," he said, speaking of the air cars. "You know how crazy that is?" Powert predicted Ford’s denial.
But are agents of the Ford Motor Company really watching Czech Powert? Some would argue that a company as big as Ford wouldn’t even bother with a small fry like Powert. Czech seems to think they would. He glanced around nervously after handing over the frozen cart. “They’re watching me,” he said. “Take the shopping cart if you want to live.”
Guitarist Shooting Results in Unintentional Pun
Sunday, December 12, 2004
Tragedy struck Wednesday night, Nathan Gale, a former marine obsessed with Pantera, jumped on stage at a rock concert and gunned down 4 people. One of these people was former Pantera guitarist Darrell Abbot.
Gail stared at people in Tattoo parlors, making them uneasy.
Gale, 25, was obsessed with the band Pantera. As he grew more erratic, Gale’s friends had distanced themselves from him. He forced people to talk about heave metal music. He made outrageous claims about writing Pantera’s song lyrics. He told people his plans for suing the band. Gail stared at people in Tattoo parlors, making them uneasy. He designed Feng Shui appetizers for parties that didn’t exist. But none of them thought he was capable of violence.
The Pun came from an interview with Gale’s estranged friend Jeramie Brey. Brey told the Columbus Dispatch, “He was off his rocker.”
Investigative Reporter Prepares for Home Confinement
Saturday, December 11, 2004
It all started on Feb, 6. Providence defense attorney Joseph Bevilacqua Jr. said, under oath, that he was not the person that leaked a piece of videotaped evidence to a reporter. The tape showed an aide to the Mayor of Providence, Vincent “Buddy” Cianci, being bribed. The court then turned to an investigation of the Reporter who received the tape.
the government proceeded to spend $100,000 investigating Taricani
That reporter was Jim “Snaps” Taricani, an investigative reporter for Channel 10, WJAR in Providence. Taricani refused an order from US District Judge Ernest “The Pick” Torres. Eventually Joe “The Devil” Bevilacqua admitted to leaking the tape, but not before Snaps was convicted of contempt of court. Additionally, the government proceeded to spend $100,000 investigating Taricani, and are considering going to him for damages.
Taricani refuses to lay down on the job.
He was able to skip out of a jail due to a heart condition, but Snaps Taricani has now been sentenced to 6 months of home confinement. However, in the spirit of the great investigative reporters, Taricani refuses to lay down on the job. He is already planning an investigative report on making premium coffee in your own kitchen, how quickly mold grows on shower curtains, when to have your furnace serviced, and the effectiveness of offender electronic monitoring systems.
Kerik Quits After Examining Naughty Nanny
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Last night, at 8:30 PM Eastern Time, former Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik made a phone call to President Bush. Kerik informed Bush that he was taking himself out of consideration for the position of Secretary of Homeland Security. Kerik’s official reason for taking himself out of the running is the immigration status of a housekeeper and nanny he employed. Kerik wrote in a letter to Bush, “I am convinced that, for personal reasons, moving forward would not be in the best interests of your administration, the Department of Homeland Security or the American people.”
Kerik sits on the Taser Board of Directors
Despite Kerik’s stated reasons for stepping down, many believe the reason may be conflict of interest allegations. Kerik sits on the Taser Board of Directors and has made many millions of dollars by exercising stock options. In spite of this fact, the reasons stated for his withdrawal are not untypical of nominees.
In 1993, Zoe Baird and Judge Kimba Wood were both forced to withdraw from consideration for an Attorney General nomination after disclosures of employing illegal aliens. In 2001, Linda Chavez withdrew as nominee for Labor Secretary after disclosing she had housed and paid an illegal immigrant 10 years earlier. This should serve as a lesson to anyone with aspirations of a cabinet post. A cheap nanny seems like a good deal now, but someday that nanny will grow up and need room to run. Or is that puppies?
Bush has experienced problems recruiting millionaires from all walks of life.
This last withdrawal comes as quite a blow to President Bush. Bush has experienced problems recruiting millionaires from all walks of life. Nomination was refused by an unnamed CEO, who he had asked to be Sec. of Energy. Sen. Ben Nelson (D-Neb.) declined a position as Agriculture Secretary. An adamant fan of baseball, Bush had offered the Department of Health and Human Services to Sammy Sosa, but Sosa declined the nomination. In an unprecedented move, Bush has also been turned down by Paris Hilton.
Go Ask Alice
Friday, December 10, 2004
My husband is a fat, lazy slob. He doesn’t help around the house at all. All he does is sit around, eat chips and watch previous year’s super bowls. What should I do?
My husband is a fat, lazy slob.
You definitely have a problem. As, an employee of NewsBlog 5000, I can’t recommend anything dangerous or illegal. But, I have heard stories of women having luck with getting their husbands hooked on Methamphetamine. They say that their houses have never been cleaner, and their husbands easily shed those unwanted pounds. If you try this method, which I have not suggested, you may find that your husband’s teeth fall out. Don’t worry, denture technology has really come around in recent years.
he is starting to share information on the health of his colon.
I have a friend who is always sharing too much information. This wouldn’t be as big a problem, but he has a weblog. On his weblog, he posts explicit love letters to his girlfriend and frank opinions about his close friends (including me). Now he is starting to share information on the health of his colon. A recent posting was titled “I’m constipated” and had a picture of him with his cheeks puffed out and a strained forehead.” How can I tell him that he had gone too far with his blogging.
Your friend may be over sharing, but that’s his right. Share your concerns, but make it clear that no matter what he decides, he is still your friend. No matter what he decides to do, you can at least be happy that he’s not posting pictures of his penis. If he starts this, you may want to tell him that you have reversed your statement about him still being your friend… unless you like that sort of thing.
Rumsfeld Meets Questions with Gnosticism
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Rumors have been circulating for almost a year that our troops in Iraq are not as well equipped as they should be. In the past years election maelstrom, it seems that little has been done to acknowledge the issue, let alone address it. The issue, did however come to a head Wednesday at Camp Buehring, a staging base in Kuwait.
Support, for Rumsfeld came from Col. Hannibal Smith.
The question came from Specialist Thomas Wilson, a scout with the Tennessee National Guard. "Why do we soldiers have to dig through local landfills for pieces of scrap metal and compromised ballistic glass to up-armor our vehicles?" asked Specialist Wilson. An immediate roar of approval rose from the 2,300 solders present at the event.
Rumsfeld, visibly addled, answered, "You go to war with the army you have, not the army you might want or wish to have at a later time." He also claimed at all possible efforts were being taken to produce the needed armor, "It's essentially a matter of physics. It isn't a matter of money. It isn't a matter on the part of the Army of desire. It's a matter of production and capability of doing it."
Rumsfeld’s answer has not been received well by some Democrats in Congress
Support, for Rumsfeld came from Col. Hannibal Smith. Smith, the head of an elite Special Forces unit during the Vietnam War and convicted of crimes that he did not commit, was pardoned by President Bush. “In my personal experience,” said Smith, “Scrap metal makes the best armor. My team has used it dozens of times to save us from all kinds of weapons.”
A rebuttal of Rumsfeld’s statement has come from Robert Mecredy, President of Jacksonville, Florida based Armor Holdings. Mecredy claims that he has made it clear that he is able to increase his company’s production by up to 100 units of vehicles armor per month. The makers of the trucks, AM General LLC of South Bend, Indiana also has indicated that they are capable of increasing production.
"It's the last thing I want to do, is retire," Rumsfeld said
Also, Rumsfeld’s answer has not been received well by some Democrats in Congress, such as Senator Chris Dodd of Connecticut. Dodd wrote a letter to Rumsfeld criticizing his remarks. Many have said that it is time for Rumsfeld to step down, and have pointed out parallels between the equipment problems in Iraq and the equipment problems in Somalia which caused the now infamous “Black Hawk Down” incident and caused the resignation of Clinton Secretary Les Aspin, at the urging of House and Senate Republicans. However, Rumsfeld’s situation differs from Aspin’s in one important way: Rumsfeld is not going to step down. "It's the last thing I want to do, is retire," Rumsfeld said.
Rumsfeld has answered all these allegations with philosophy. At a meeting with the press corps accompanying Rumsfeld to India, he said "If you think about it, you can have all the armor in the world on a tank and a tank can be blown up.” Rumsfeld then produced a .50 caliber anti personal round from his pocket, and bent it like a wet noodle. “The world is illusion. If you want to make this bullet to exist, it can exist, but if you will it to not exist, it will not.” With this statement, Rumsfeld made the round disappear if by magic. He then approached one of the reporters on the scene and removed the round from his ear. “Before you can make the bullet bend, or disappear, or not kill you, you have to realize the truth. There is no bullet.” The Pentagon was not immediately available for comment on our troops skill with metaphysical imaging.
Editor’s Note: The Devil is in the Details
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Today marks one full month’s operation of NewsBlog 5000. Although many of detractors said that we wouldn’t make it past the first week, we’re still here.
Skippy hasn’t been taking his medication
I will always be the first to say that we do not always get the facts 100% right here at NewsBlog 5000. Part of the reason for this is the need to get the news to you as soon as possible. Sometimes it’s because Skippy hasn’t been taking his medication and manages to submit a couple of stories before we notice. But rest assured, we mostly try to make sure that our stories are factually accurate, mostly.
I would like to extend my personal congratulations to all of our staff. But I would like to give an even more hearty congratulation to Alice Humbees, who, as of yesterday, has successfully met all the conditions of her probation.
Amazon Burning Leads World Pollution
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Burning of the Amazon and other forests constitute more than three quarters of Brazil’s greenhouse gas emissions. This has made Brazil one of the world’s leading polluters.
Jeff Bezos opened Amazon’s online store in 1995
The report on greenhouse gas emissions showed that Brazil produced 1.03 billion tons of carbon-dioxide equivalents in 1994. Environmentalists have estimated that this report will likely make Brazil the Sixth largest polluter in the world and is responsible for three percent of the total global emissions. Greenpeace made a statement saying that, "It is now clear that Brazil's quickest way to reduce its contribution to global warming is fundamentally to change the process of occupation and Amazon land use."
Founder and CEO Jeff Bezos opened Amazon’s online store in 1995. The company was originally started as an online bookseller, but has since branched out into other areas. Industry analysts see Amazon’s move as an attempt to eliminate overhead by consolidating their operations. Amazon has complained that as the worlds largest online retailer there is no place on Earth big enough to house their massive stock. It looks like we can now see their plan for warehouse consolidation, burning down the rainforest.
Barghouthi Hints at Quitting Palestinian Race
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Jailed grassroots Palestinian presidential candidate, Marwan Barghouthi may be considering stepping down from the presidential race. Barghouthi confided to Talab El Sana, an Isreali-Arab lawmaker, that he feared his candidacy was causing turmoil, even a possible split, within Fatah. He has stated that he will quit the race if a list of his demands are met.
Barghouthi has been doing well in the polls
This news comes as Barghouthi has been doing well in the polls. A recent poll by the Palestinian Center for Policy and Survey Research showed that Abbas, widely seen as the international favorite, would receive only 40 percent of the vote. Barghouthi was coming in at a close second of 38 percent. The poll surveyed 1,320 Palestinians in the West Bank and Gaza. Barghouthi was seen as the most likely candidate to obtain a right of return for Palestinian refugees.
Barghouthi is currently serving five life sentences in Israeli prison.
A Senior Fatah official close to Barghouthi said that the first demand is the assurance from Abbas that he would insist on East Jerusalem as the future capital of a Palestinian state. He also asked Abbas for a just resolution of the refuge problem and a halt to Israel’s “assassination” of militants. Barghouthi also wants Abbas’s platform to include calls for the pullback of Israeli forces from the West Bank before the election.
Barghouthi called on Abbas to arrange the release of Palestinian prisoners held by Israel. This comes as no surprise as Barghouthi is currently serving five life sentences in Israeli prison. In addition, he would like 3 cartons of cigarettes, a DVD player, and to be moved to a better cell. Barghouthi has apparently been anxiously awaiting the seventh season of Buffy, the Vampire Slayer.
The Business of Making Money
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
In 2001, Henrietta Holsman Fore was appointed the Director of the United States Mint. The Mint at that time was a troubled agency. Fore, a believer in businesslike government, quickly set about to implement plans like shortening time to market and reducing overhead costs for better value. Also, under Fore’s stewardship, the mint has been able to identify it’s largest profit maker: coins.
the mint plans to start printing the dollar bill on socks
The mint sells coins to the Federal Reserve at an enormous profit. A quarter costs six cents to make and is sold to the Reserve at full price. Coins are designed to be like a no interest loan where no money is technically made. However, the system returns net earnings to the mint, because very few of the coins are ever returned. The mint is currently trying to push forward with the production of dollar coins to further increase that profit margin. Failing the elimination of the dollar bill, the mint plans to start printing the dollar bill on socks, which are almost as easily lost as coins.
Harry Potter coins are now more recognized as legal tender than the golden Sacagawea Dollar.
The Mint, traditionally one of the few agencies that were able to turn a profit, was facing stiff competition from the makers of alternative currency like the Franklin Mint and the Royal Canadian Mint. As the Dollar continues to sink lower, and the conversion rate approaches 1:1, many people are considering using much flashier Canadian dollars. Another alarming trend is the emergence of Harry Potter Coins from the Isle of Man. Studies show that in the United States, Harry Potter coins are now more recognized as legal tender than the golden Sacagawea Dollar.
These days, there is definitely a happier feel in the air at the U.S. Mint. “It’s like the old days are gone, and we have a real future,” said Marcia Garpano a junior cutter from Pennsylvania. “Gone are the days when budgets were tight and we were afraid we would be shut down and replaced by the Canadians. It’s like we have a license to print money.”
Special Report: Illiteracy in Corporate America
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
The National Commission on Writing, a panel established by the College Board, recently completed a survey of 120 American Corporations. In their report, “Writing: A Ticket to Work… Or a Ticket Out”, they concluded that a third of employees in American corporations do not possess adequate writing skills. And, in half the companies surveyed, less than one third of the employees had adequate communication skills.
a third of employees in American corporations do not possess adequate writing skills
But businesses are getting savvier. Businesses spent an estimated 3.1 billion dollars last year on remedial writing programs. They mostly screen employees writing ability to find those that are unable to communicate effectively. However, some companies are starting to screen for those that use all capital letters and multiple exclamation points in business communication. These people are, of course, completely insane, and will be slated for promotion.
Would Tolstoy be employable in corporate America?
This survey comes as no surprise to our nation’s English majors, most of whom work as checkout clerks or customer service representatives. Susan Traiman of the Business Roundtable seconded this. "It's not that companies want to hire Tolstoy,” she said. “But they need people who can write clearly, and many employees and applicants fall short of that standard." This should put to bed the much debated question “Would Tolstoy be employable in corporate America?”
Another factor to consider is the long term costs of miscommunication in the workplace. Morton Hein, a highly paid record executive was fired for sending a text message to his boss. While he had meant to say, “See you in there.” he decided to shorten the message by prefixing "There" with "CUN". Of course, incidents like this are greatly overshadowed by the 2003 email sent to a floor supervisor in a Nuclear Plant in West Virginia. The message, “Dude U R SOOOO HOT!!!!” nearly caused a major nuclear accident. Additionally, it resulted in three sexual harassment suits.
FCC: You’ve got mail
Monday, December 06, 2004
Lately, you may have been hearing a lot about indecency complaints brought against the FCC. The number of indecency complaints in 2003 numbered over 240,000, easily outpacing the record of 14,000 set in 2002. In the years preceding 2003, there were far less than 1000 complaints a year.
If the networks haven’t done anything illegal... why do they care what we say?
Many believe these complaints to be coming from very small but vocal groups such as the Parents Television Council. But the Parents Television Council is not so sure. “I wish we had that much power,” said Lara Mahaney, spokeswoman for the Los Angeles-based group. “Why does it matter how the complaints come? If the networks haven’t done anything illegal, if they haven’t done anything indecent, why do they care what we say?”
But where do these letters come from? When asked at a National Association of Broadcasters conference in Las Vegas, Chairman Powell claimed ignorance. There was, Powell said, “a dramatic rise in public concern and outrage about what is being broadcast into their homes.” Powell’s fellow commissioner, Kathleen Abernathy, claimed indifference on the credibility of a complaint’s source. “As long as you’re following precedents and the law,” Abernathy said, “it shouldn’t matter.”
I would not want my son, Fluffy, to have to accidentally watch some of this filth
We at NewsBlog 5000, using sources obtained through the Freedom of Information Act, have found the sources of these complaints. We found that 99.8 percent of the complaints made to the FCC were in fact the action of one organization: The organization, the Parents Examining Nationally Indecent Stations, pronounced “pen is”. The organization consists of Mrs. Hazel Walney of Pensacola, FL and her dog, Fluffy. “What people have to understand,” said Hazel “is that I am a parent. And I would not want my son, Fluffy, to have to accidentally watch some of this filth on television. That’s why it is so important that I can expose my PENIS to the world.”
Some people would say that Hazel’s campaigns are extreme. Many say that her campaign to take “Nash Bridges” off the air because Chuck Norris has “bedroom eyes” is only overshadowed by her complaints that “Jews should not be able to report the News.” No matter what people think, Hazel plans stands firm on her convictions. “People treat censorship like it’s a dirty word,” Hazel stated, “I am here to tell them that it is not. I have all the dirty words written down in my book.” Hazel has to spend as much as twenty hours a day simultaneously watching television and writing complaints. But doesn’t that expose Hazel to the filth and depravity that she herself complains about? “I can take it,” said Hazel, “I was a hostess during the war. I just make sure to lock Fluffy in the other room.”
IBM selling PC business
Monday, December 06, 2004
IBM is considering letting go of its personal computer business. Once the only name in the PC market, in recent years their business has been squeezed by companies such as Dell and HP. IBM claims that the PC business is profitable, but it will not give details. Rumors are stating that Chinese company Lenovo Group Ltd. is looking to buy the business. This would make sense as most computers are currently built in China. But, we have found an alternate explanation.
In recent years their business has been squeezed by companies such as Dell and HP
Who could have the money and time to run IBM’s PC business? Maybe someone who has skimmed off millions of dollars of foreign aid? Maybe someone who is being forced out of their own job? Maybe Kofi Annan? We have gotten exclusive, non-verified, third hand information that suggests this may indeed be the case.
Kofi Annan does indeed plan to buy IBM’s computer business. Annon’s son, Kojo would be made head of marketing. Manufacturing and Production would probably be kept as they are, but corporate offices would be moved to his native Ghana. The name of the new company will be “Mr. Kofi”.
The Downside of Abuse Photos
Sunday, December 05, 2004
The Navy has started a new investigation on their elite Navy Seals. Photos found on the website “smugmug.com” seem to be showing members of the Seals abusing Iraqi prisoners roughly a month after the fall of Baghdad. The Seals are shown in various activities, such as holding hooded prisoners by the throat, holding guns to their heads, and using them as furniture.
Gen. Kimmitt’s statement came as a surprise to sources that reported him as killed in action
General Mark Kimmitt, who is based at U.S. Central Command in Quatar described the photographs as an isolated incident not reflecting the conduct of most American soldiers. But he is afraid that a few isolated incidents will be used as tools to unfairly tarnish America’s image in the Middle East. Gen. Kimmitt’s statement came as quite a surprise to sources that reported him as killed in action earlier this year.
This allegation should come as a surprise to no one as Americans come from a fine tradition of using people as furniture. George Washington often said that the only breakfast worth eating was a hash brownie eaten off the back of a slave. Benjamin Franklin often greeted guests while sitting on a throne of French whores. Alexander Hamilton was sitting on Sam Adam’s lap when he signed the Declaration of Independence. Hamilton later blamed Adams for “making it so big”.
Benjamin Franklin often greeted guests while sitting on a throne of French whores.
The wife of the Seal that took the pictures put the photos on the website, “Smugmug.com”. They were later found by a Associated Press reporter. There has been quite a bit of fallout from the finding of these photos. People all over the world were shocked to find out that things you put on the internet can be found by other people. Many rushed to their computers to take down pictures of themselves smoking pot, getting naked at the office party, singing karaoke, shoplifting, selling drugs, gunning down law enforcement officers, and having sex with their girlfriend’s best friend.
Thompson steps down, plans to attack food supply
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Thompson says he worries about imported food “every single night”
Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson announced his resignation Friday. He stated, “It’s time for me and my family to move on to the next chapter in our lives.” Thompson supposedly tried to step down a year ago, but the White House asked him to stay on. In his resignation, the Secretary warned the United States about a possible attack on the food supply. “For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do,” he said. Thompson says he worries about imported food “every single night”.
Thompson went on to say, “They are just so stupid. Nobody listens to me. Sure they listen to Rummy and Wolfy and sometimes Rice, but Health and Human Services? Hell No. Sometimes I think about attacking the food supply myself, just to see the look on their smug faces.” Thompson went on to discuss how he also fears an attack on Air Supply, whose Australian soft rock ballads were a staple of early 80s radio. If you are interested in reading Thompson’s infallible 15 part plan to poison the United States, copies are available on Aljazeera.Net.
Donald Ducks Departure
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, has had his contract renewed in late season negotiations. This will no doubt make many a Republican hawk happy while angering just about everyone else. Despite allegations that Rumsfeld has been mismanaging the war on terror and using steroids, President Bush stood behind the decision, saying Rumsfeld was “the right person at this moment in our history in fighting the war on terror to lead our armed forces.”
Rumsfeld has been mismanaging the war on terror and using steroids
It is hard to argue that Rumsfeld is not the man to rule the Department of Defense. He started working as Secretary of Defense in 1975 under President Ford. He is a master of international politics. He holds PhDs in both Nuclear Physics and Political Science. He fluently speaks 37 languages, including Arabic and Norwegian. He is a world class bowler. He manages his own private terror network that reaches around the world. He is an expert in cryptography. He has won both Mr. Universe and Mr. Olympia titles. And Rumsfeld is a friend to children and old people.
Rumsfeld is a friend to children and old people.
Many people assumed that the Secretary was on the chopping block after the Abu Ghraib prison scandal and the unanticipated postwar violence in Iraq. But, George W Bush, never one to listen to his detractors, or best advisors, decided that a heart to heart was the best way to decide the Secretary’s situation. Bush and Rumsfeld met in the oval office about Sec. Rumsfeld’s future. While Bush made comments such as, “Are you SURE that you don’t want to spend more time with your family?” and “Aren’t you feeling a little bored after doing the same old job for 4 years?”, Rumsfeld stared at him with a blank expression. Eventually, Bush gave up and let him keep the job.
Go Ask Alice
Friday, December 03, 2004
I recently obtained a wife through an agency that places Russian women with American men. Although I paid a lot of money for the service, she says that she is homesick for Russia. She has even mentioned getting a divorce and going home. What should I do?
your new wife finds you completely repugnant
While it is true that sometimes women in this situation are just homesick, it is more likely that your new wife finds you completely repugnant. I mean it’s obvious that you couldn’t snag an American woman; otherwise you wouldn’t need to go through an agency. Your best course of action is to call the agency and ask if you can return her for a different model. There is always a possibility that they can find you another used up prostitute that only secretly loathes you. If this second relationship doesn’t work for you, you may have to deal with the fact that you are just horribly unbearable to all women. In this case go back to Internet porn, where you probably found the Russian bride agency in the first place.
I think my boyfriend may be using drugs. I was over at his place the other day and I found a bag of white powder in his kitchen. When questioned about it, he became very upset. He said that it was vanilla pudding, but I am not so sure. I need to know if my boyfriend is on drugs. Even more, I want him to get help if he needs it. But I don’t want my boyfriend to think that I am investigating his activities, especially after confronting him about it. I have seen how these things go in the movies, and I do not want to end up a battered ho, hooked on the H. What should I do?
I do not want to end up a battered ho, hooked on the H.
While it is true than many cooking ingredients come in the form of white powder, so do many drugs. There is one agency close at hand that can tell you whether or not the white powder is, in fact, vanilla pudding. You have to get that white powder to your local police station. Now, I understand that you are afraid to become directly involved, but there is a simple solution. Put the white powder in an envelope with your boyfriend’s return address on it and mail it to your local police station and the FBI. This way, you will know for sure whether or not the white powder is an illegal drug. And the police will help your boyfriend get any help he needs.
Editor’s Note: Bloggerdash
Thursday, December 02, 2004
As I mentioned in my maiden post, the “A new day is dawning on the way that we get news.” Not a month later, Merriam-Webster has named blog its “WORD OF THE YEAR”. Many are hailing this as a sign that the blog has finally come into its golden age. Although it must be noted, the way by which the word of the year is chosen is by the number of times people search for it. So rather than “WORD OF THE YEAR” they might have more accurately described it as “WORD THAT CAUSED THE MOST CONFUSION” or “WORD THAT MANY PEOPLE DIDN’T KNOW”. It could be a possibility that many were using the online dictionary for another reason. In spelling blog, many people get lost just after the “o”.
In spelling blog, many people get lost just after the “o”
Many of you have commented on the new site graphics. This new look was designed by our intern, whose name is Scotty, of Skippy, or something. In addition to making the coffee and vacuuming the offices, Skippy is our webmaster and writes most of our articles. Despite the fact that he in unpaid and receives no byline, I would like to remind Scrappy that he is an important member of our team.
I would like to remind Scrappy that he is an important member of our team.
Also, you may have noticed our association with the Quality Control Alliance. They are a group of very religious and socially minded bloggers, or at least we assume that they are. We haven’t actually looked at their site, but there is a church sign in their logo. Clicking on their sign will take you to their blog, where they enjoy discussing religion, spirituality and morality in a very mature and amicable way.
Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000
Supreme Court Declines Passing Marijuana
Thursday, December 02, 2004
After refusing to look into gay marriage in Massachusetts, the Supreme Court has decided to focus on a lighter target: the use of medical marijuana in California. California passed the Compassionate Use Act, “To ensure that seriously ill Californians have the right to obtain and use marijuana for medical purposes”. While on the outside, this looks like a good plan, there are several problems with it.
there is no research on whether terminally ill patients have gotten involved in harder drugs
Foremost in everyone’s mind is that fact that no one in California can be trusted with any quantity of marijuana. Secondly, is the fact that no one in Congress has ever used marijuana for anything other than getting high. It is also to be noted that the Justice Antonin Scalia has been watching a lot of TV lately, and has been greatly affected by the “anti-drug” marketing campaign. Lastly, there is the argument that marijuana is a gateway drug. Although, it was Dell spokesmen “Steven” that was arrested on 5th degree possession charges in New York. And, there is no research on whether terminally ill patients have gotten involved in harder drugs due to their marijuana use.
the medicinal effects of wheat remain largely unknown
Enter Angel McClary Raich. Raich suffers from including fibromyalgia, endometriosis, scoliosis, uterine fibroid tumors, paralysis, asthma, rotator cuff syndrome and a number of other painful diseases. She also has an inoperable brain tumor and suffers from seizures. Our researchers searched through the archives but were unable to find anyone in a more miserable condition. If Raich is unable to access marijuana, she will probably die in the very short term. The question is: who in the federal government could be heartless and cold enough to even imagine taking away medical marijuana from such a pitiable individual? Anyone who took more than a few seconds to answer that question has never heard of John Ashcroft.
The Court seemed to give little consideration though to the issues listed above. Instead they batted around minutia relating to interstate commerce laws. Included in this was mention of a 1942 case Wickard v. Filburn, which was about the effect on interstate commerce on growing too much wheat. To this day, the medicinal effects of wheat remain largely unknown, and the amount of wheat smokers has decreased significantly since 1942.
George W Bush Hovers on the Brink of Political Capital Deficit
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
In George W Bush’s first press conference after the election, he told reporters, “I earned capital in the campaign, political capital, and now I intend to spend it. It is my style." Since then, Bush has gone to outline the programs on which he intends to spend this capital: immigration reform, intelligence reform, national security reform, tax reform, clean coal technology, reducing federal spending, appointing conservative Supreme Court nominees, passing the Central American Free Trade Agreement, and obtaining peace in the Middle East.
Without a final 3 point shot from Bin-Laden, the election would have probably gone into overtime
While Bush might not realize this, he did not win by an overwhelming margin. His campaign style was more reminiscent of the Chicago Bulls when Michael Jordan was at the top of his game. Without a final 3 point shot from Bin-Laden, the election would have probably gone into overtime. But let’s stop these sickening and visually disturbing sports analogies, and address the issues.
If we just look at one of the goals, obtaining peace in the Middle East, this would take almost one thousand times the political capital that Bush had. That doesn’t even take into account the rise in the price due to the war. Or political capital economists have been working around the clock, and they think that Bush might have enough capital to ensure on time elections in Iraq. The idea that Bush might have enough political capital to settle the Palestinian problem, or get Turkey to step down from their opposition of a Kurdish state is ludicrous.
American political capital has been trading weakly against foreign political currencies
Another setback to Bush’s store of political capital came with his recent visit to Canada. Bush was anticipating that the trip would not set him back a huge amount of capital, as usually exchange rates highly favor American political capital. In actuality, due to a poor perception of American government in the world, the American political capital has been trading weakly against foreign political currencies. A simple serving of french fries with gravy could burn through the President’s win in Guam. And banner in Halifax from a coalition of 30 churches proclaiming “He's not welcome, eh!”, cost the President the entire political capital from East Central Wyoming.