NewsBlog 5000
The finger on the invisible hand

President Bush: Absurd

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

(SSN WASHINGTON) Today, President Bush called an Amnesty International report on the conditions of the Guantanamo Bay detention camp absurd. The report called the detention camp the “gulag of our times”.

The report called the detention camp the “gulag of our times”.

When asked about the report, Bush said, "I'm aware of the Amnesty International report, and it's absurd. It's an absurd allegation”. Bush added: "It seemed like to me they based some of their decisions on the word of, and the allegations by, people that were held in detention, people who hate America, people that have been trained in some instances to disassemble, that means not tell the truth."

In total, Bush used the word “absurd” four times, causing many to speculate that it may have been his word of the day from the desk calendar that Karl Rove gave the President for Christmas.

Bush used the word “absurd” four times, causing many to speculate that it may have been his word of the day

In his absurd argument, the President makes some good points. One thing is for certain, even if the detainees did not hate America before they were held for years and allegedly tortured, they probably have formed quite a strong negative opinion by now. And the more we learn about the War on Terror, the more we learn that some people are specially trained to lie.

Basically, the President is asking the American people who they trust to tell the truth more, the military, which despite its track record of abuse in other situations, investigated itself vigorously and found itself innocent of any wrongdoing or a third party organization hung up on “human rights” who have been listening to the detainees.


Reid Knows What America Wants

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

(SNN Washington, DC) Last Thursday, in response to the momentary defeat of the nuclear option, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid laid out a new agenda for Senate Democrats. While Reid’s speech was widely ignored by the press, even though he spoke to the National Press Club, the Nevada senator did make some interesting points.

Reid’s speech was widely ignored the press

Reid claimed that the American people were tired of the partisan squabbles of a polarized government. Reid then went on to blame Republicans for high gas prices, a sluggish economy, college costs, low wages, health care costs, the defense of Tom DeLay, Osama bin Laden’s freedom from captivity, and Starbucks.

Reid said that he and Ben Cohen had just inked legislation

Reid went on to iterate Democratic concerns, “Strengthening our national defense. Rebuilding our economy. Providing families with affordable health care. Making America energy independent. Securing our retirement. That’s our agenda. That’s America’s agenda.”

Also, Reid said that he and Ben Cohen had just inked legislation that would bring every man woman and child in America a free pint of “Chunky Monkey”. Reid then dared the Republican Congress to put the bill on the agenda and show the American people that they were willing to “begin to climb the hill toward a common politics of national purpose” so that everyone can enjoy the sweet taste of freedom and “Chunky Monkey”.


A Moment of Silence

Monday, May 30, 2005

for the over 1600 members of the U.S. military who have lost their lives in Iraq and all those in the wars of the past.


Clinton UN Possible

Sunday, May 29, 2005

(SNN New York) An anonymous senior U.S. diplomat has told NewsBlog 5000 that there is still more to come in Kofi Annan’s role in the oil for food scandal.

According to the diplomat, who works closely with the UN’s chief diplomats, pressure is building to see a resignation from Annan. "It is possible that the Secretary General could, for the good of the organization, eventually offer his resignation," he said.

If this were to happen, the source says that Bill Clinton would be a likely successor to Annan. The U.S. official admitted that the possibility of Bill Clinton as the UN’s secretary general is still a long shot but is one being taken more seriously than in the past.

There is nothing legally standing in the way of Clinton becoming secretary general. He’s currently working as the UN coordinator of Tsunami relief. Also, it was originally Clinton that suggested Kofi Annan should take the UN position.

According to the diplomat pressure is building to see a resignation from Annan.

Furthermore, the Bush Administration has good reason to sponsor Clinton for the UN. Clinton has added legitimacy to the war with Iraq by giving it his blessing. Also, the former president has been very gracious in general to the Bush family. When he was initially touring tsunami stricken regions with former President Bush, he allowed the older Bush to sleep on the bed in their airplane while Clinton slept on the floor.

It remains to be seen whether Annan would step down. It should be noted that the Secretary General has become more and more troubled about the scandal. Annan has reportedly told staffers, "Only the U.S. press is interested in the matter." He insists that when he travels overseas nobody is as "preoccupied with the affair as they are in the U.S."

the Secretary General has become more and more troubled about the scandal.

Also, it is reported that Annan fears known swinger John Bolton’s confirmation to the UN. Annan fears that Bolton will put undue pressure on the Secretary General to have sex with many anonymous partners, a situation with which Clinton would be better suited to come to grips with.

While it is traditional that the US defers to other countries in the selection of a Secretary General, Clinton is quite popular within the UN. While it is Southeast Asia’s turn to choose a secretary general, it is quite possible that SE Asia will allow the vote to go to Clinton. This would also be seen as a stroke of luck to many other parts of the world that believe SE Asia will leverage control of the UN with its technological superiority with giant robots to silently take over the world.


Advertiser Uses Sex to Sell Product

Saturday, May 28, 2005

(SNN Carpentaria) There’s a lot to find offensive about Paris Hilton: she makes more in a day than most people make in a year for being “simple” and she stands as a symbol for the generational rich at it’s most hedonistic. But the Carl Jr. commercial should be seen not as obscene but absurd.

The commercial is absurd for two reasons. First of all, if Paris Hilton were to ever eat a full spicy six dollar burger, she would no doubt go into some kind of shock from the overload to her system and possibly die. Also, there is no doubt in my mind that Paris Hilton has never had to wash a car.

Carl Jr. would not speak to Newsblog 5000, but a spokesman for Carl said, "Paris was chosen to star in the ad because she is an intriguing cultural icon and the 'it girl' of the moment. She fascinates Carl's Jr.'s most loyal customers, 'young, hungry guys,' as well as 'young, hungry gals.' "

The ad "meets the exact definition of pornography,” says Tim Winter, the executive director of the Parents Television Council (PTC), a broadcast-decency group. “Families shouldn’t have to be subjected to that.” Now I don’t know if Mr. Winter has seen much pornography, but as someone who has a studio in his basement and been an extra in a few pornographic films, I can assure Mr. Winter that the commercial is not pornographic.

Maybe Mr. Winter has never seen this, but where I come from, throughout the summer you can spend 5, 10, sometimes 20 dollars to get a nubile teenage girl, in a bikini, to wash your car. Sometimes, they are raising money for new cheerleading uniforms, sometimes for a senior trip. But I can attest that they will wash your car just as badly as I’m sure Paris did. I suggest Tim Winter go to one of these car washes and offer them an extra $20 to polish his knob, which he obviously desperately needs if he was titillated to pornographic levels by a soapy girl in a one piece bathing suit.

Carl Jr. would not speak to Newsblog 5000

On the other hand, I’m pretty sure Mr. Winter has seen these carwashes. But he is using Paris Hilton just like Carl Jr. He is using her sex to sell his product of outraged indignation. The only difference between Carl Jr. and Winter is that Carl Jr. fairly paid for Paris’s time and to run the commercials and Carl Jr. is honest about how it is selling its product.

I will never forgive Tim Winter. He made me cross a line I said I would never cross. He made me feel a tiny, tiny amount of sympathy for Paris Hilton.

James Skippenofsky, Opinions


France Will Probably Reject EU Treaty

Friday, May 27, 2005

(SNN Paris) It now looks as if the French voter may very well reject the new EU constitution. On May 29th, French voters will choose to ratify or reject the document which smoothes the way for a 25 nation block joining the EU.

The vote may end up a protest vote against President Jacques Chirac

Ironically, the vote may end up a protest vote against President Jacques Chirac, whose popularity is low because of unemployment and budget cuts. To add to the complication, a similar protest vote may be soon be given by the Dutch.

The situation in France and also the Netherlands shows that while their leaders are for a new level of EU involvement, their citizens resent the level of influence other countries have on them. The basic problem is the French people do not want the British to have a more active role in the activities within their country.

Meanwhile, in Britain, Tony Blair is planning on a no vote. Firstly, with the campaigning for his own general election, Blair has not yet arranged British voting. Secondly, Blair fears the Constitution would fail in Briton. The basic problem being the British people do not want the French to have a more active role in the activities within their country.

German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero have been campaigning

To quell the concerns of the French, German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero have been campaigning in France. However, their presence has done little to calm those that fear foreign intervention; perhaps reminding them of the last time Germany tried to closely unite Europe.

Added to this is a fear of exactly what the new constitution will do. No one even has a faintest clue what the constitution would do. “A thousand lawyers couldn’t explain this constitution,” said Jean La Pierre, waving a clenched fist. “A lot of these articles are completely vague. Are they good or bad for France? Who can say?” Although it should be pointed out that much of the confusion could be caused by translating the document into the confusing and needlessly ornamental French language.

It is widely expected that French citizens that vote “non” will be banished to other parts of the world, perhaps even Antarctica.


Rumsfeld: Clearly Misinformed

Thursday, May 26, 2005

(SNN Washington DC) Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld denied reports from the Washington Post. The Washington Post claims two anonymous sources told them that Rumsfeld gave the military permission to shoot down a small plane that violated Washington on May 11.

[The secretary] never gave orders or authority to shoot down the plane.

Rumsfeld disputed accounts of the two anonymous federal officials, yesterday, saying, “It was totally not true.” In Washington, Rumsfeld spokesman Bryan Whitman said, "[The secretary] never gave orders or authority to shoot down the plane." He described the sources as "clearly misinformed."

NewsBlog 5000 staff spoke with an anonymous source who said Rumsfeld had clearly given the order. “He told us to shoot that sucker out of the sky and even giggled a little and went ‘woo hoo’”.

"I don’t think I’ll ever feel safe in Washington again.”
-Sen. Chris Dodd

Washington D.C. has some pretty sophisticated ways of detecting aircraft: Advanced Radar, fighter aircraft, and ground to air missiles. But as events show that this might not be enough, NORAD commanders are considering another option: installment of the controversial TATOO system. Under the TATOO system, radar systems would be replaced by a midget who would run around yelling, “The Plane, The Plane”.

The May 11th airplane incident was described by many Senators as the most frightening thing since Dennis Kucinich savagely beat Senator Rick Santorum last February after overhearing Santorum call him a “gay elf”. “It was brutal,” said Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn), “I never knew elves could be so violent. I don’t think I’ll ever feel safe in Washington again.”


Is America Falling Behind?

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

(SNN Doungoun) At the end of the Cold War, it would have been unheard of. What a difference a decade can make. With the growing economy in China, America may soon lose its status as the Mecca of consumerism.

By 2010, China is expected to be home to at least 7 of the world's 10 largest malls.

Finishing touches are being put on the South China Mall. One of four Chinese Malls larger than the Mall of America, the South China Mall is three times the size of the Mall of America. By 2010, China is expected to be home to at least 7 of the world's 10 largest malls.

Part of the reason America may be falling behind is our own misunderstanding of the conditions in other countries, ironically brought on by spending too much time in malls. Nader Ghermezian, of the Triple Five Group owners of the Mall of America said, “They are just shops, like a bazaar in the Middle East.”

But Mr. Ghermezian is wrong on two counts. Firstly, the malls in China are full of pedigreed western stores and brands. Secondly, some parts of the Middle East love their modern shopping malls. In the UAE, Dubai has more than 20 modern shopping malls. The love of malls is reaffirmed every spring during the month-long Dubai Shopping Festival.

In a way the mall experience is not new to the Indian psyche

It is impossible to discuss U.S. descending without discussing India’s ascendance. It is estimated that by 2010, the number of U.S. Style shopping malls in India will have increased to 300. "In a way the mall experience is not new to the Indian psyche," says Ajay Khanna, director of a development firm. "In a mall, you have entertainment, you have food, you have product retail - a very similar experience to a mela, an Indian fair. We see the phenomenon as set to grow dramatically.”

So the question remains, in the new global economy, how can America stay the leader in vacuous consumerism? Unless we become more educated about the malls of other cultures, American dominance may very soon seem a distant dream.


House Considers Stem Cell Funding Despite Veto Threat

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

(SNN Washington DC) Today, the House debated a controversial bill that would expand public funding of embryonic stem cell research. President Bush has already announced his intentions to veto the bill upon passage.

The legislation would extend funding to research on embryonic stem cell lines that were nonexistent in 2001

The legislation would extend funding to research on embryonic stem cell lines that were nonexistent in 2001, when Bush allowed funding only to lines already in existence at that time. According to scientists, many if not all of those lines are now unusable. Stem cell research is hoped to be able to cure conditions such as Alzheimer’s, cancer, paralysis, and scabies.

Bush said Friday, "I made very clear to the Congress that the use of federal money, taxpayers' money, to promote science which destroys life in order to save life, I'm against that. Therefore, if the bill does that, I will veto it." Bush, one of the world’s foremost experts on stem cell research, claims the research destroys life because embryos are destroyed in the process. The threatened veto would be the first of Bush's presidency.

During debate on that measure Tuesday, opponents of the embryonic stem cell legislation pointed out repeatedly that while adult stem cells have been proven to cure and treat patients, embryonic stem cells have not. However, proponents of the bill claim adults should not be killed and used for research either.

Supporters point out that there are embryos in fertility clinics that would never be used to create babies

Supporters point out that there are embryos in fertility clinics that would never be used to create babies. In a written statement last week Rep. Mike Castle said, “Under no circumstances does this legislation allow for the creation of embryos for research, nor does it fund the destruction of embryos." Castle, who introduced the bill, said it "draws a strict ethical line by only allowing federally funded research on stem cell lines that were derived ethically from donated embryos determined to be in excess.

But the House expert on ethical lines, Tom DeLay, does not agree. “[Embryonic stem cell research is] a scientific exploration into the benefits of killing human beings," DeLay said. DeLay emphasized that if this bill passed, it would be legal for gangs of scientists to break into people’s homes and rob women of their fetuses.

Under the bill, couples who have undergone fertility treatments and have embryos they won't use can then make the choice of putting them up for adoption, giving them directly to another couple, storing them, discarding them or donating them to science. This replaces current law that dictates unused embryos must be consumed by the doctor as part of a black mass.


Family Will Sue for Underwear Pictures

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

(SNN London) We’ve all seen the pictures of Evil Incarnate in underwear. Today new information surfaces as the British tabloid The Sun confirmed that it had paid “a small sum” for the pictures.

The Sun confirmed that it had paid “a small sum” for the pictures.

The tabloid, which is owned by Rupert Murdoch, would not identify the person that sold them the pictures. Sun Managing Editor Graham Dudman would not elaborate on the amount, but did say that it was over 500 British pounds ($900). The paper said in a statement. "The Sun is proud to run the pictures and we will be running more tomorrow."

While the pictures have been spread far and wide, attorneys have said the tabloid "and everyone who helped in showing these pictures" would be sued. The pictures in question show the subjects washing up, in underwear, robes and towels. Some have said the pictures are not offensive, as the subjects are wearing more than most people wear to the beach.

Some have said the pictures are not offensive

The Sun argues that many people want to see lesbian vampire schoolgirls in their underwear, but the Lesbian Vampire Schoolgirl Anti-Defamation League says otherwise. “Families of Evil Incarnate and her friends were shocked to see the nubile young goth girls without their black dresses and pale makeup, engaged in washing up and light petting,” said a spokesperson for the LVSADL.

President Bush said Friday that he has personally studied the photos, and he did not believe the photos would incite further anti-American sentiment.


Revenge of the File Sharers

Monday, May 23, 2005

I have to admit that I was not going to go to “Revenge of the Sith”. After the “Episode I” installment of Star Wars, I decided that it was not worth the trouble to see the smoking remains of the wonderful series that stimulated in me a short interest in Science Fiction and a lifetime crush on Harrison Ford.

I was not going to go to “Revenge of the Sith”

But when I found out that the movie was available on the internet, I decided to give it a try. I went to my source for all things internet, Frank, a friend of James Skippenofsky. Fortunately, he already had a few thousand copies made and stacked in a corner of Skippy’s basement.

Sith broke every record for opening day box office receipts

Ironically, despite the insistence that the film was irrevocably damaged by file sharing, Sith broke every record for opening day box office receipts. It can only be guessed that if Sith was not shared on the internet, it would have made 50 bijillion dollars, aligned the planets, allowed universal understanding and brought about world peace. But thanks to an internet application called bittorrent, we’ll never have that.

MPAA President and CEO Dan Glickman recently said, “There is no better example of how theft dims the magic of the movies for everyone than this report today regarding BitTorrent providing users with illegal copies of Revenge of the Sith.” This is definitely true, for if I had paid $30 for tickets and snacks to watch this movie in the theater with my partner, there is no way that we would have fallen asleep after the first half hour.

Adrian Chevelle, Senior Entertainment Correspondent


Time Travelers Remove Galloway Testimony

Sunday, May 22, 2005

(SNN Washington) British MP George Galloway went before the U.S. Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Government Affairs on May 17th, or did he?

His closing statements were quoted on many places around the internet

Galloway’s statements were shown on CSpan and his closing statements were quoted on many places around the internet, including NewsBlog 5000. There was even a PDF of his entire testimony on the Committee website. But now, the testimony has been replaced by a short declaration that “Mr. Galloway did not submit a statement”.

So how can Galloway have appeared before the committee last week, but not have appeared in front of the committee now, the answer is simple: time agents. Time agents have been know to often come in a change historical events and even erase all mentions of them in the

After she denied him money to play the vending machine game, he threw a juice box

After she denied him money to play the vending machine game, he threw a juice box and climbed into the machine while his mother picked it up.

At first, Manges thought it was funny: "He was playing with all the toys and hanging from the bar like a monkey." But she soon became upset when Wal-Mart employees said they did not have a key to let James out. Firefighters removed the back of the machine to free James -- who went home empty-handed.


Go Ask Alice

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


There is a woman at our office whose job it is to direct the clerical staff. I am a member of the professional staff and she has no authority over me. However, she is exceedingly annoying in that she continues to change office forms, alters instructions for using the forms, changes the designated staff members to whom we're supposed to deliver and pick up the forms, and will only allow us to deal with the entire form situation during an eight hour period one specific day a week. I really hate her and want to do something evil to her so she will stop. Any advice?

Candice F


While you could perform some kind of juvenile prank like rub the scent of fox urine (available at most hunting/outdoors stores) on her radiator, this could affect your employment situation. You should probably act like an adult and deal with this situation in an adult manner. I would suggest that you frame her for some kind of crime such as office theft. You may want to enlist the help of a male coworker to attempt a charge of sexual harassment. While I would not suggest to you that it's appropriate to break the law, you may find it useful to know that there are a few types of poison on the market that are still undetectable.



My boyfriend always wants me to perform fellatio. This would not really be a problem except I am deathly afraid of spiders, and he has a tattoo of a black widow spider on his thigh. Should I break up with him?

Maddie L


While breaking up with your boyfriend may seem a little extreme in some situations, you don’t seem too worried about it. If you really don’t really care one way or another, then perhaps you should. However if I have misread your letter and you really do care for this boyfriend, you should work together to straighten this out. If he enjoys fellatio that much, perhaps he would be willing to get the tattoo removed. Alternatively, if he does not want to have it removed, you could arrange to accidentally spill acid on his thigh. But be careful with how far you spread the acid. A man will never forgive you if you burn off certain parts of his anatomy. Believe me, I speak from experience.



What You Want Poll - results and comments

Saturday, May 21, 2005

We will now feature a results and comments section for our polls. It seems some people want to know the results, for some reason.


Saddam’s Skivvies Shown by The Sun

Friday, May 20, 2005

(SNN London) Saddam Hussein, deposed tyrant of Iraq was shown half naked on the cover of the British tabloid “The Sun”. Saddam’s lawyer has announced that The Sun and all parties involved will be sued.

Despite the possibility of a death sentence hanging over his head, Saddam has tried to remain busy while in prison. Saddam has begun writing his memoirs, a biography that will deal with everything from his childhood to his exile in Egypt and his military campaigns. This will be the most ambitious writing project of Saddam to date. In the past the toppled tyrant has only written romance novels.

In addition to his memoirs, Saddam did a photo shoot. These photos of the dictator in his underwear were to be used in calendars featuring “The Men of the Ba’ath Party”. It is not known how The Sun was able to get hold of the pictures. "There is an investigation," added US Staff Sergeant Don Dees.

The Sun said that it obtained the photos from "US military sources", who it claimed had handed over the pictures. "It’s important that the people of Iraq see him like that," the source was quoted as saying.

It is not known how this early release will effect “The Men of the Ba’ath Party” calendars, as it was predicted that Saddam’s calendar “Ba’athtime” was going the be the best seller. Saddam is already planning to take legal action against The Sun for lost sales. "We will sue the newspaper and everyone who helped in showing these pictures," said Saddam Hussein's chief lawyer Ziad Al-Khasawneh.


Air Force Officer Court Martial Caused by Souvenirs

Thursday, May 19, 2005

(SNN Eglin AFB, Florida) Air Force Maj. Gregory McMillion shipped home a handful of souvenirs from Iraq. The prosecution is trying to show that McMillion is a gun and military paraphernalia enthusiast who abused his position to stock her personal collection.

Attorneys point out that the Major made an honest mistake

McMillion’s attorneys point out that the Major made an honest mistake in misunderstanding that he was in violation of a standing order against personal use of captured property, as troops commonly displayed war booty in the early days of conflict. "No one is understanding this is a violation," said Capt. Brooke Schmidly. "Why? Because it's everywhere. ... They are not sitting around reading three-page general orders."

But who is the victim in this crime? Can we really begrudge our brave fighting men a handful of souvenirs? Captain Heather Lengel says yes. "He did not have authority for anything in this room, period," said Capt. Heather Lengel, referring to the evidence present in the courtroom. "He abused his position as a maintenance officer."

Can we really begrudge our brave fighting men a handful of souvenirs?

During his time in Iraq, McMillion collected 29 Romanian, East German, Hungarian and Iraqi automatic rifles, a Chinese machine gun, four antique rifles, six rocket-propelled grenade launchers, dozens of magazines, scopes and sights, dummy land mines and grenades, 1,183 Iraqi army berets, more than 600 pairs of socks, eight full uniforms, 253 bayonets, two anti-aircraft gun seats, several empty artillery shells, an Iraqi helmet, a ledger with Arabic writing, a pistol and a flare gun, a statue looted from an Iraqi museum, and three MIG 25 aircraft.

Col. Ronald Gregory, who is presiding at the judge-only court-martial, did not immediately issue a verdict after closing arguments.


Koran Claims Believable

Thursday, May 19, 2005

(SNN Piscataway) In the May 9th edition, Newsweek published a story about the Koran being flushed down a toilet by American Army interrogators. The story sparked protests across the Islamic world. Newsweek has retracted the story, but maintains that despite their poor fact checking, accounts of similar incidents have been published before. Still the question remains: How could we get to the point where this story would even be believable?

How could we get to the point where this story would even be believable?

To answer this question is simple: Technology. We must start halfway around the globe at the World Toilet Expo in Shanghai, a city where the 20 million residents use everything from pressure systems in modern high-rises to the classic chamber pot. Technicians for American Standard demonstrated a toilet that could easily handle 14 golf balls.

Surprisingly, toilet performance is not usually measured in golf balls. The standard for measurement is actually the MaP unit used in the Maximum Performance Testing of Popular Toilet Models by W. Gauley and J Koeller. MaP uses 50 gram specimens of soybean paste. Just for a frame of reference, Gauley and Koeller believe that the minimum acceptable MaP performance is 250 grams. This is, of course, based on the British “Variability of Colonic Function in Healthy Subject” study.

Some are questioning the validity of these statements.

The results of the MaP study are interesting. While “Variability of Colonic Function in Healthy Subject” suggests the average maximum fecal size of the male participants is 250 grams, two models, the Gerber Ultra Flush and the TOTO Drake could handle an amazing 900 grams. But the Big Kahuna of the flush is the Mansfield Quantum, handling an enormous mass of 925 grams. It remains to be seen whether the new American Standard model can compete with the Quantum, as MaP does not test prototypes.

Some are questioning the validity of these statements. “They don’t test nearly enough samples, which is understandable because of the expense involved and the time to do this carefully and accurately,” said Pete DeMarco, director of compliance engineering for American Standard. DeMarco’s advice to plumbing contractors is, “Nothing they read in these test reports should overrule the real-world experience they have had with these toilets.”


Special Accommodations Were Made for Galloway

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

(SNN Washington) British MP for Bethnal Green and Bow, George Galloway, appeared before the Senate subcommittee on investigations today. MP Galloway denied allegations that he profited from Iraqi oil sales.

MP Galloway denied allegations that he profited from Iraqi oil sales.

Galloway’s testimony comes as a new Senate committee report states that 52% of the kickbacks paid to the regime in return for sales of cheap oil came from US companies- more than the rest of the world put together. The scale of the shipments involved dwarfs those previously alleged by the Senate committee against UN staff and European politicians.

To conclude Galloway’s testimony, he made the following statement:

"Now, Senator, I gave my heart and soul to oppose the policy that you promoted. I gave my political life's blood to try to stop the mass killing of Iraqis by the sanctions on Iraq which killed one million Iraqis, most of them children, most of them died before they even knew that they were Iraqis, but they died for no other reason other than that they were Iraqis with the misfortune to born at that time. I gave my heart and soul to stop you committing the disaster that you did commit in invading Iraq. And I told the world that your case for the war was a pack of lies.

“I told the world that Iraq, contrary to your claims did not have weapons of mass destruction. I told the world, contrary to your claims, that Iraq had no connection to al-Qaeda. I told the world, contrary to your claims, that Iraq had no connection to the atrocity on 9/11 2001. I told the world, contrary to your claims, that the Iraqi people would resist a British and American invasion of their country and that the fall of Baghdad would not be the beginning of the end, but merely the end of the beginning.

"Senator, in everything I said about Iraq, I turned out to be right and you turned out to be wrong and 100,000 people paid with their lives; 1600 of them American soldiers sent to their deaths on a pack of lies; 15,000 of them wounded, many of them disabled forever on a pack of lies.

If the world had listened to Kofi Annan, whose dismissal you demanded, if the world had listened to President Chirac who you want to paint as some kind of corrupt traitor, if the world had listened to me and the anti-war movement in Britain, we would not be in the disaster that we are in today. Senator, this is the mother of all smokescreens. You are trying to divert attention from the crimes that you supported, from the theft of billions of dollars of Iraq's wealth.

...if the world had listened to me and the anti-war movement in Britain, we would not be in the disaster that we are in today.

"Have a look at the real Oil-for-Food scandal. Have a look at the 14 months you were in charge of Baghdad, the first 14 months when $8.8 billion of Iraq's wealth went missing on your watch. Have a look at Haliburton and other American corporations that stole not only Iraq's money, but the money of the American taxpayer.

"Have a look at the oil that you didn't even meter, that you were shipping out of the country and selling, the proceeds of which went who knows where? Have a look at the $800 million you gave to American military commanders to hand out around the country without even counting it or weighing it.

"Have a look at the real scandal breaking in the newspapers today, revealed in the earlier testimony in this committee. That the biggest sanctions busters were not me or Russian politicians or French politicians. The real sanctions busters were your own companies with the connivance of your own Government.

The hearing had to be temporarily postponed while special accommodations were made for Galloway, who was unable to fit his enormous balls through the doors of the hearing room. Eventually, they were taken off their hinges. Galloway also needed to wait while Senate aids found a special chair.


“Nuclear Option” Renamed

Monday, May 16, 2005

(SNN Washington)Recently, Senate Republicans have tried to recast the term “Nuclear Option” as a Democratic term. For some reason, they do not want their plans for the United States government to be associated with causing catastrophic loss of life from nuclear fire, radiation poisoning and a race of fleshy headed mutants that would follow.

Causing catastrophic loss of life from nuclear fire, radiation poisoning and a race of mutants

The term “Nuclear Option” was coined by Senator Trent Lott two years ago, and has been used heavily by Republicans up until a few months ago. While the Republicans tried to press the term Constitutional Option for awhile, the term “Nuclear Option” has stuck. However, the Republicans have won a key battle in making sure that “Nuclear Option” must always be referred to in “Quotation Marks”. Some have even gone as far as to make little quotation mark movements with their fingers as they refer to the “Nuclear Option”.

The term “Nuclear Option” was coined by Senator Trent Lott

As predicted, “Nuclear Option” negotiations between Bill Frist (R-TX) and Harry Reid (D-NV) have broken down. And now it looks like the very unpopular legislation may get a vote in the Senate. However, there is still a chance that a confrontation can be avoided, if a bipartisan group of senators, led by Sens. John McCain (R-AZ) and Ben Nelson (D-NE), finds support for a compromise.

Meanwhile in an attempt to come up with a catchier name than “Nuclear Option”, Republicans are attempting to rename the “Nuclear Option” again. This time they have dubbed it the “Making America Safe and Protecting Our Children while Saving the Life of a Puppy Option” or MASAPOCWSTLOAPO, pronounced “Mesa Pock West Lope Oh”.


Corrections: 5000 Mistakes

Monday, May 16, 2005

Last week we reported that Star Trek, The Next Generation episode 177, “All Good Things”, directly contradicted information given in episode 146, “The Chase”.

The information came from a knowledgeable trekkie source, and before deciding whether to publish it we approached two separate sources for comment. One declined to give us a response; the other challenged another aspect of the story but did not dispute the contradiction.

Although other major news organizations have aired charges of contradictory canon based only on the testimony of trekkies, we believed our story was newsworthy because of the current hearings in Kansas. So we published the item.

Our original source later said that it was a long time since he had seen either show, and he couldn't be certain about the alleged contradiction we cited. We regret that we got any part of our story wrong, and extend our sympathies to victims of the violence, especially the nuns.


Many Still Confused by Satellite Radio

Sunday, May 15, 2005

(SNN Seoul) A surprising number of Hyundai customers said that didn’t want Sirius Satellite Radio installed in their vehicles because they objected to Howard Stern.

Executives were stunned by the number of "unprompted write-ins" on the survey

John Krafcik, Hyundai vice president of product development and strategic planning, said that executives were stunned by the number of "unprompted write-ins" on the survey that said customers were "not comfortable with programming from Stern."

Starting in 2006, Stern will be broadcasting from Monday through Friday between 6AM and 10AM. During the typical four hour show, Stern will ask at least one woman if he can see her breasts, and talk about the size of his penis.

While the respondents may not enjoy Stern’s antics, what they don’t understand is that the amazing thing is that with Satellite radio is you don’t have to listen to just one station. Interestingly enough, there is nothing in the Sirius contract that forces the subscriber to listen to Stern.

They do not want to have their young children listening to Stern

While some point out that they do not want to have their young children listening to Stern, it really must be pointed out that you should not let young children drive a vehicle unsupervised. There is even a control on the front of the radio, easily reachable by the driver that allows a listener to switch to any of the other 120 channels whenever they find the programming objectionable.

Another concern of Hyundai users was the fear that if they had XM radio, David Bowie would be electronically beamed into their back seat. Many respondents also disapproved of DVD players in vehicles, as pornography is often distributed on DVD.

Hyundai gave the survey to over 300 customers while they were deciding whether to choose Sirius Radio or XM for an option. The majority of respondents were surprised to find they didn’t buy a Honda.


Air Force Academy 4: Christians on Patrol

Saturday, May 14, 2005

(SNN Colorado Springs) Chaplain Capt. Melinda Morton says that she was fired for pointing out religious intolerance inside the Air Force Academy. Despite her dismissal, the Air Force claims that she was not fired. Because of Morton’s claims, an investigation was started against Brig. Gen. Johnny Weida.

Despite her dismissal, the Air Force claims that she was not fired.

According to Capt. Morton, a Lutheran minister, evangelical Christians are given preferential treatment at the academy. This seems to hold with the data. Surveys of present and former cadets have shown that some students said they felt a heavy and sometimes offensive emphasis on evangelical Christianity, with praise for cadets who pronounce their "born-again" status and insults aimed at Jews, Roman Catholics and non-evangelical cadets. One staff chaplain reportedly told newly arrived freshmen last summer that anyone not born again "will burn in the fires of hell."

Capt. Morton says she was forced to go public with the allegations because working with within the chain of command wasn’t working. Furthermore, upon her complaints, she believes that the academy began making deceitful reports about what was happening. “Even when I brought it to the attention of my superior, this person was disinclined to make changes in the story they were putting out,” she said. Capt. Morton also believes that going public with her beliefs was what caused her to be removed from her Executive Officer position.

Morton said that she briefed her boss, Chaplain Col. Michael Whittington of her concerns, the woman who had been in the Air Force for over 20 years received a lecture on loyalty to the Air Force and the chaplain corp.

Newly arrived freshmen "will burn in the fires of hell."

A spokesperson for the Air Force Academy said that Morton’s allegations would have been taken more seriously had she gone through the proper chain of command. In another statement, the academy said that Morton was not being fired. Morton was just being removed from her duties and sent to Okinawa due to coincidence. Morton was chosen for Okinawa, as no positions were available in Antarctica or on the moon.

Morton’s complaints have sparked an investigation of Brig. Gen. Johnny Weida who issued memos to cadets telling them to "ask the Lord to give us the wisdom to discover the right. ... The Lord is in control. He has a plan" and stating that cadets are accountable first to their God. Unfortunately, the task force may never be able to fully investigate the claims against Weida, as he is being promoted to a position at the Pentagon, where he will head up a team that is developing faith bases weapons systems. Because of his promotion, he may not be able to fully participate in the investigation.

A Pentagon spokesman said he could not comment on whether the board that recommended Weida's promotion knew of the religious-tolerance inquiry. Furthermore, he said that promotions were based on an officer’s records and potential and any coincidence with the announcement of Weida’s promotion and the arrival of the investigative task force are purely coincidental.


Intelligent Design Attempts to Validate Star Trek Canon

Friday, May 13, 2005

(SNN Tokepa) While the Kansas Board of Education hearings on evolution ended yesterday, little was decided other than traditional scientists are godless heathens. The proposal being debated was whether state guidelines could be expanded to allow criticism of the theory of evolution and allow alternatives to be taught.

"I can only conclude that they don't have evidence (for evolution)," board member Connie Morris said.

Much of the testimony was made by the proponents of intelligent design as real scientists boycotted the hearings. Board members critical of evolution said the scientists' boycott had backfired. "I can only conclude that they don't have evidence (for evolution)," board member Connie Morris said.

The principles of intelligent design are brilliant in their stupidity. Basically, the idea says that the universe and life is too complicated to have evolved randomly, therefore humans must have been created by God, or possibly Satan, or robots, or aliens, or something.

This theory first appeared in an episode of Star Trek, the Next Generation episode 146 called “The Chase” (not to be confused with Dr. Who episode 016, the third story to feature Daleks). In "The Chase", Picard's crew finds evidence that four billion years ago the first human civilization explored our galaxy, and they were disappointed because they found themselves alone. To preserve their heritage, they spread encoded DNA fragments across many Class-M planets throughout the galaxy, thereby triggering a development similar to their own.

Detractors of intelligent design point out that this theory is contradicted in TNG episode 177

However, detractors of intelligent design point out that this theory is contradicted in TNG episode 177; “All Good Things”. In 177, Picard, with the help of Q, goes back in time to the inception of life on earth through a more scientifically accepted style of evolution. Some go as far at to say that episode 146 was just a lame attempt to explain why most aliens just looked like a guy in a mask.

So still the question remains, what will the Kansas Board of Education, of which the majority are creationists, vote for this summer: the lame excuses for episode 146 or the scientifically accepted 177.


Skippy Does it: Driving the Bus

Thursday, May 12, 2005

This week, in an attempt to showcase the power of public transportation in lowering our dependence of foreign oil, Skippy drives the bus.

A note to previous readers: No I have not yet managed to get an annulment from Bunny Delicious. However, Bunny and my hetero life partner Frank seem to be getting along quite well, so harmony has returned to the Skippenofsky household.

When I went to Dr. Maynard this week for an assignment for Skippy Does it All, he had no immediate ideas for me, so I suggested that I take advantage of my soon to expire class A driver’s license and drive a city bus. As luck would have it, Dr. Maynard has a connection at a nearby city transportation department, which we are not allowed to name due to legal difficulties.

Before I could actually drive the bus myself, I had to spend a few days learning the route. I spent two days riding with a veteran driver, that for the purposes of this article we will call “Jimmy”. Jimmy and I got along quite well, and he seemed to have no end of fun teasing me.

The most wonderful thing about riding the bus is the kind of people you meet. I met a nice man who auditioned with his accordion for a writing position on our blog. I also met Herman, a plucky older gentleman that regaled me with his story about being the only barber trusted to shave the warden in the nearby maximum security prison.

Originally, I was supposed to spend 2 days driving the route with a veteran driver supervising me. However, because of an outbreak of influenza, I had to start after only one day of driving the route.

I was able to make the first few stops without trouble. There were the typical problems I had experience on my training days, expired passes and incorrect change. But shortly after my third stop, trouble happened.

Jimmy, who was acting as dispatcher for the short handed bus ground transportation center called me. Jimmy asked me if I was on University Ave. I said yes. Jimmy asked me if I’d gone over 45 mph yet. I looked down, and saw I was going 48. Jimmy told me that there was a bomb on the bus and if the bus dropped below 45 mph, the bomb would go off.

Now as you know, I am quite cynical, and in retrospect I should have realized that Jimmy was kidding. But always alert for terror activity, I was perhaps a little too quick to jump to conclusions. As it turns out, what Jimmy told me was actually the plot of a movie that takes place on a bus, but I prefer romantic comedies.

Now, I’m no idiot, so I figured the best chance I had was to make it to the airport and circle the tarmacs. Fortunately, this most efficient route also took me past the police station. Believe me, when you go past the police station doing 30mph over the speed limit in a city bus while laying the horn, you get some attention.

So there I was feeling very proud of myself, heading towards the airport at well over my minimum of 45mph with a full police escort and I realized that after I last talked to Jimmy, I had switched off the radio. I switched it back on, but Jimmy was babbling incoherently. I assumed he had gone into shock from the gravity of the moment.

I got to the airport, but I knew I would not be able to make it through security with a bus going 45mph. So, I slammed the bus through the airport fence and clipped the wing off a Cessna. I then started doing laps of the airport runways.

Apparently the police officers did not understand what I was doing because when I came around for my second lap, they had set up quite a large barricade on the tarmac.

I knew I only had one chance to survive, so I put the accelerator down as hard as I could, held on tight and pointed the bus at the soft spring mud that was lining the tarmac. The bus pushed itself into the mud until the back tires left the tarmac and sank in to its axels. Because I still had my foot on the accelerator, the spinning tires registered the bus was traveling at 75mph.

I asked my passengers if they had any rope or elastic to tie down the accelerator with, but they were too addled by what had happened to respond. I repeated my request several times until finally one female passenger removed her brassier. I tied the accelerator down with it and we escaped the bus through the thick mud.

By the time we made it out of the mud, we were all pretty much covered from head to toe, but the police officers did not hesitate to help us, as they were also covered in mud from the spinning bus tires. I was arrested for destruction of property, terrorism, and sexual assault, but fortunately, Frank came and bailed me out.

This experience has taught me much about not jumping to conclusions and legal liability. From now on, I think I’ll leave the driving to the professionals. I sincerely apologize to all of those whose property was destroyed and those that were injured both physically and mentally by my actions, especially the nuns.


Military Recruiters Resort to Creative Techniques

Thursday, May 12, 2005

(SNN Houston)In late April, Army Staff Sgt. Thomas Kelt left a voice mail on the cell phone of Christopher Monarch, telling him that if he did not show up at the recruiting office by 2 PM a warrant would be issued for his arrest. “I was scared," said Monarch. Despite the efforts of the recruiter, Monarch is still not interested in joining the military.

Despite the efforts of the recruiter, Monarch is still not interested in joining the military.

For several months now, recruiting both for the regular military and guard have gone down. For the first half of the fiscal year, the Army had signed up 35,926 active-duty soldiers to begin serving this year, about 15 percent short of the year-to-date goal of 42,585. As it becomes more and more difficult to recruit people for Iraq, this is just one of the exciting new and innovative ways that recruiters are getting young people to join the military.

But not everyone agrees with the marketing methods used by recruiters, “Recruiters are not permitted to threaten people with arrest. The soldier did something he should not have done,” said Bill Grimes, spokesman for the Army Recruiting Battalion Houston.

Not everyone agrees with the marketing methods used by recruiters.

Recruiting officials have said that while the monthly shortfalls have been troubling, the Army still felt a new marketing and advertising campaign to be rolled out this summer, along with an increase in the number of recruiters, would allow it to meet the yearly goal.

So hopefully, the army will be able to meet its goal using more ethical means, such as this bulk email.









Pope Decries Evil Energy

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

(SSN Rome) Today, in his third speaking engagement since his election last month, Pope Benedict (16) made claims that Satan is still at work in the world unleashing "evil energy".

Satan is still at work in the world unleashing "evil energy"

"History, in fact, is not in the hands of dark forces, left to chance or just human choices," he told thousands of people in St. Peter's Square. "Above the unleashing of evil energy, above the vehement interruptions of Satan, above the so many scourges of evil, rises the Lord, supreme arbiter of history," the Pope said in an address reflecting on the Book of Revelation in the Bible.

Many believe that evil energy could be America’s best chance for ridding itself of dependence of foreign oil. It is estimated that Las Vegas could easily handle the energy needs of the entire West Coast if its vast resources of evil energy were tapped.

Evil energy does have its detractors even outside of the Vatican.

But evil energy does have its detractors even outside of the Vatican. For starters, there is the waste produced by an evil energy plant. While everyone wants cheap evil energy, people tend to take a “not in my backyard” view to evil waste. Then there is the awkward fact that the waste of evil energy plants can be refined into weapons grade evil.

If President Bush wants evil energy plants to be built, he will have to assure the American people that evil waste will not fall into the hands of terrorists. Finally, one familiar impediment to evil energy, the high capital costs required up front, could remain troublesome, unless the cost of competing fuels soars higher.

None of these concerns need rule out this promising source of energy. But they will need to be addressed.


Princeton Students Bring Filibuster to Washington

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

(SSN Princeton) Today, dozens of college students will unite at the Capitol Reflecting Pool to state a 24 hour filibuster. The students hope to protest the “Nuclear Option” to end Judicial Filibuster being pushed by Senate Republicans such as Bill Frist.

The students hope to protest the “Nuclear Option”

The students will filibuster by the reflecting pool for 24 hours. They plan to read from the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

The mock filibuster stared two weeks ago outside the Frist Campus Center, name after Sen. Frist’s family, at Princeton. It has now been running for over 300 hours and included speeches by U.S. Rep. Rush Holt of New Jersey and U.S. Rep. Frank Pallone of New Jersey.

It seems nice that students are taking a stand in politics

While it seems nice that students are taking a stand in politics, not all of the students participating are particularly interested in the legislation. At least three of the students claimed they had little interest in the filibuster, but joined the protest because they were hoping to bang Karen.

While there seems to be widespread support among Republican senators, the nuclear option may die in the court of public opinion. A recent poll shows that fifty two percent of respondents support keeping judicial filibuster. And despite widespread interest, no one yet knows if Karen will get banged.


Calling in a Pinch Hitler

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

(SNN P'yŏngyang) North Korea intensified its nuclear confrontation with the United States today, calling President George W. Bush “Hitler Junior”. With this new taunt, the United States has finally decided to get tough with North Korea and ask China to deal with them.

The United States has finally decided to get tough with North Korea

"It is a wise decision for our republic not to expect any settlement of the nuclear issue or any improvement in its relations with the United States during Bush's term of office," said a commentary in North Korea’s state run newspaper. "Bush is the world's worst fascist dictator, a first-class warmaniac and Hitler, Junior, who is jerking his hands stained with blood of innocent people."

With this blatant name calling, North Korea's rhetoric has simply gone too far. While many may agree with the titles of fascist and war maniac, it is not considered polite to call people “Hitler”.

Bush is the world's worst fascist dictator, a first-class warmaniac

Faced with extended stalemate, the Bush administration has asked China to redouble its efforts to lure North Korea back to the negotiation table. China should use all the tools available to it to reopen negotiations, said a State Department official, without elaboration.

North Korea has tested technology that may enable missiles with nuclear warheads to reach as far as California. The Bush Administration has grown increasingly worried at the possibility that the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library may be in jeopardy.


PBS is doing the Right Thing

Monday, May 09, 2005

(SNN) According to internal polls, the Public Broadcasting Service has a few things to be proud of. Now it’s time to destroy it.

Over the Iraq war, only 7% of respondents thought that the coverage was slanted.

Internal polls at PBS have shown that most watchers do not believe that PBS is biased. In a 2002 poll over the Iraq war, only 7% of respondents thought that the coverage was slanted. Furthermore, only 21 percent of respondents think that PBS showed an overall liberal bias. While only 12 percent of viewers believe PBS has a conservative bias, it should be noted that conservatives are statistically much more likely to complain about media bias.

In addition to this, a strong majority of Americans believe, and studies have shown, that PBS news coverage is more accurate and in depth than ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox and CNN. Almost half of Americans would like to see PBS get more funding while only ten percent would like to see it get less. It just doesn’t get better than this.

Rather than stop at having the majority of PBS viewers just believe that PBS isn’t liberally biased, new CPB chairman Kenneth Tomlinson wants to take the network in a different direction and give it an explicitly conservative bias.

Five year olds are really amused by how stupid Tucker Carlson looks in a bow tie.

But some people say the PBS audience isn’t really interested in political shows, pointing out that the average age of a PBS viewer is 78, if you do not include viewers under 8. If you only include viewers under 50, the average viewer age is 5. Proponents of Tomlinson’s reign say that 5 year olds are really amused by how stupid Tucker Carlson looks in a bow tie.

Last year, Tomlinson used his influence to bring on two new shows, "Tucker Carlson Unfiltered" and "The Journal Editorial Report" to balance out the liberal bias of Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers Neighborhood. This angered viewers who had to deal with diminished episodes of “Keeping Up Appearances” and the “Big Comfy Couch” and one less Three Tenors special.

Also, next year a new kids’ show “Greenback” will preview to compete with the popular “Wishbone”. In the show, Greenback, a cute dog, learns the lessons of personal responsibility as his decrepit owner becomes a migrant farm worker rather than leech off the welfare system of Social Security.


Abdullah Pokes Fun at Sex Scandal

Sunday, May 08, 2005

(SNN New York)Despite the controversy surrounding him, Crown Prince Abdullah is showing that he can have a sense of humor with a scandal surrounding him.

The Saudi Prince and “American Idol” judge is being investigated for having an affair with a former contestant. Corey Clark claimed this week that Abdullah had an affair with him while he was competing in 2003 and then coached him on how to do better. It is reported that even with Abdullah’s coaching, Clark still sucked.

Despite the controversy, Abdullah made a cameo appearance this weekend on NBCs “Saturday Night Live”. Abdullah announced the opening sketch and briefly appeared again later in the show.

Crown Prince Abdullah is showing that he can have a sense of humor

In addition to Corey Clark, Prince Abdullah has been accused of having an affair with President George W. Bush. Abdullah has called the allegations “lies” and issued a statement Friday expressing “my deepest appreciation” for fans who have expressed their support.

Allegations about Bush and Abdullah flew last week when a tape was released showing the two holding hands and walking through a field of flowers. Abdullah was visiting Bush so the two could come up with a strategy for relieving America’s dependence on foreign television ideas.


Reid Sorry Bush is a Loser

Saturday, May 07, 2005

(SNN Searchlight) Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid called President Bush “a loser” during a civics discussion with a group of teenagers at a high school on Friday. Reid later called the Whitehouse and apologized.

The man's father is a wonderful human being.

"The man's father is a wonderful human being," Reid told students at Del Sol High School. "I think this guy is a loser." Reid was visiting the school to discuss Congress and the debate over judicial filibusters.

Reid’s spokeswoman Tessa Hafen says that shortly afterward, Reid called the Whitehouse and spoke to Karl Rove. Reid apologized for calling the President a loser and calling Rove a “knob end”.

I think this guy is a loser.

The Republican National Committee stated that Bush’s status as a loser was "a sad development but not surprising from the leader of a party devoid of optimism, ideas or solutions to the issues people care about most."

This just goes to show the wide gulf developing in American Politics, while one side sees the President as a loser, the supporters of the President see him as the right man for the right time and a strong leader. The President has described himself as smart, patient, compassionate , a war President, a peace President, a West Texas girl, a messenger of God , an Iron Man, and hot for teacher.

This is the worst time the president has been insulted by a public figure since last week, when the First Lady called him an illiterate, limp dicked, horse masturbator. But typical of the administration, the First Lady has yet to issue an apology.


North Korea has WMD or Hole in the Ground

Friday, May 06, 2005

(SNN) U.S. spy satellites have detected what may be the preparation for the testing of a nuclear weapon in North Korea. However, defense department analysts believe that the site may be a calculated ruse or even non-weapons related.

North Korea has long been trying to join the exclusive club of Nuclear Weapon states

Presidential spokesman Scott McClellan issued a denial along with a stern warning for North Korea. "What I would say is that if North Korea did take such a step, that would just be another provocative act that would further isolate it from the international community."

North Korea has long been trying to join the exclusive club of Nuclear Weapon states, to hang out with the “cool kids”. Mohamed ElBaradei, director of the IAEA, has said that “the international community in 2005 has zero tolerance for any new nuclear weapon states." So it looks like for now, North Korea’s UN ambassador will be sitting at the loser’s table.

In addition the the hole, North Korea has erected some bleachers

In addition to the hole, North Korea has erected some bleachers a sufficient distance from the hole for viewing of an underground nuclear test. An anonymous source told NewsBlog 5000 that the activity at the site could be consistent with preparations for a nuclear test, but other explanations are also possible.

There are many things that North Korea could be planning other than an underground nuclear test. Perhaps, they are planning the world’s largest geothermal heated outdoor theater. Or it is possible that they have invented a new sport.

But perhaps this is just a personal project for Kim Jung Il. Kim is height obsessed and may want other people to stand in a deep hole while he stands on bleachers. Or possibly, Kim Jung Il just needed a place to store his bleachers and then decided to build on to his secret underground lair, which reports say up until now has lacked a Jacuzzi.


Pink is the New Scarlet

Friday, May 06, 2005

(SNN Columbus) Ohio State Rep. Michael DeBose has proposed legislation that would clearly label convicted sexual offenders. Sex offenders would be forced to drive vehicles with pink license plates.

Sex offenders would be forced to drive vehicles with pink license plates.

"If ever there were a crime that deserved special attention, sexual offenses do," said DeBose, a Baptist minister. "If we are really serious about protecting our families, we need a mechanism for children to identify these people."

The bill would require those convicted of serious sex crimes to display a pink license plate with red letters. After five years of good behavior, a sexual offender could seek a hearing and apply for a generic license. Ohio already uses yellow license plates to identify drunken drivers.

Pink and red are the perfect colors to attract young girls

While everyone wants to protect children, there are detractors to the bill. Some point out that pink and red are the perfect colors to attract young girls, having been the central colors for marketing schemes targeted at girls for decades. Also, pink on vehicles has long been associated with roving cosmetics sellers. Some worry that car thieves stealing a sex offender’s car would be unfairly treated. Others fear that this bill would take away sex offenders' ability to be productive members of society and even go as far as to say it would paint a target on offenders' backs.

This bill replaces an earlier bill that would have required sex offenders to wear jumpsuits with targets painted on the back.


John F. Kerry Paid for Things

Thursday, May 05, 2005

(SNN Boston) Senator John F. Kerry tapped his campaign funds for Red Sox tickets and to pay nearly $300 in overdue parking tickets in March.

Kerry was also forced to pay late fees.

The car, leased to Kerry for campaign travel in Massachusetts, was cited for about a dozen parking tickets in Boston. Most of the tickets were issued in October and November and not paid until fifteen months later. Kerry was also forced to pay late fees.

Also, Kerry used $3,150 of campaign funds for Red Sox tickets, when he invited several people to see him throw out the first pitch at Fenway Park before the Democratic National Convention.

this should stand as a grim reminder for all Americans.

The most shocking things about these allegations is that they are both completely legitimate uses of campaign funds. A Federal Election Commission spokesman said congressmen are entitled to pay for parking tickets and other expenses from their campaign funds as long as they were “campaign-related.” In fact, this story really has no angle whatsoever.

But this should stand as a grim reminder for all Americans. The man who barely missed being our president has trouble parking and throws like a girl. And, while it may seem insignificant to him, Kerry’s credit rating will likely fall to the place reserved for slow-pay multi-millionaires.


Lame Terror Attack Strikes New York

Thursday, May 05, 2005

(SNN) Today, New York police are investigating what caused two explosions at the UK consulate in Manhattan. No one was injured.

The blasts happened at 3:35 a.m. on the day that Britain is voting in a national election. Officials said that they had no indication the crime was tied to voting. At the scene in Midtown Manhattan, Mayor Michael Bloomberg said that despite the British Consulate being in the building affected by the blast, no one should jump to conclusions. “It is true the British Consulate is in that building but I don’t think anybody should jump to conclusions,” Mayor Michael Bloomberg told reporters at the scene in midtown Manhattan.

It does not seem like the blasts were the work of professionals. Police believe that the explosives were toy grenades filled with black powder and lit with a fuse. Officers estimated that one was the size of a pineapple; the other the size of a lemon. But, police have warned the blast could have been much worse if a lime sized grenade would have been used in conjunction with a coconut size grenade.

The toy grenades were placed in the cement planters designed to protect the entrance of the building from bombs. The resulting explosion shattered a pane of glass in the front door of the building and blew a one foot hole in the planter.

Police fear that this may signify the start of a summer of attacks by “copycat” terrorists, young kids who think terrorists are cool want to act the part. The problem with these copycats is that eventually they take it too far. The signs that your child is turning into a copycat terrorist are subtle, but if your teenager starts making bombs, you should seek help immediately.


Blair: Forget about Iraq for the Next 24 Hours

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

(SNN London) On the last day of campaigning, British Prime Minister Tony Blair, seeking his third term as head of the government, asked voters to forget about their suspicions over his decisions involving the Iraq war and think of England.

Blair could still lose key seats due to poor Labour turnout and protest of the Iraq war.

While polls show Blair far ahead, it is feared that he could still lose key seats due to poor Labour turnout and protest of the Iraq war. "Of course there has been disagreement about Iraq," the prime minister said. "(But) who do people trust with the economy, with the investment in our public services, with the interests of the country?" he asked. Blair would also like voters to forget about anything else they don’t like about him.

Many believe that Blair could have done more

The Prime Minister is relying on Britain’s stout economy, which has outperformed other European nations during recent economic downturns. But many in his own centre-left Labour Party, remain deeply uncomfortable with Blair's backing of the U.S.-led war. Also, many believe that Blair could have done more to work with BBC Wales to stop Chris Eccleston from leaving Dr. Who after one season.

In a different situation, Blair’s message would seem a weak gambit, but there is little hope the two main opposition parties can leverage the Iraq war to their benefit. The conservative party also supported the war, and the Liberal Democrats are liberal democrats.


Horse Masturbation Up Among Teens

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

(SNN Waco) Long seen as a paragon of soft spoken grace, on Saturday night, Laura Bush’s show was all blue. At the annual White House Correspondents' Association dinner, Laura showed that she could be as bawdy as the rest of them. But in doing so, did the First Lady go too far?

Did the First Lady go too far?

Now it’s good for everyone to let their hair down from time to time, but in doing so, it is important to remember the implications of the message. Commenting on her husband’s ranching skills, Laura said, "He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse." This statement has caused many teens to believe that it is ok to masturbate horses.

Police have been kept busy around the President’s home town of Crawford Texas. More than three hundred attacks on horses in area surrounding Waco have been reported in the last 3 days alone, up 50% from last week.

The effects on ranches could be devastating

While it can be hoped that this is a short term trend, the effects on ranches could be devastating. Buster “Clint” Stagger of the Circle K Ranch in Valley Mills says, “The horses, they’re nervous, especially around the young people. My prize stallion Liberty cringes when I touch him, and I can see in his eyes that he just doesn’t trust people any more.”

But many point out that this is just the latest in a string about allegations of horse abuse by the Bush family. These most widely held allegations are laid out in the book ‘Horse of Bush, Horse of Saud’, by Craig Unger. Prince Bandar Bin Sultan has called the allegations “Hogwash”.


Runaway Bride Not Sorry Enough

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

(SNN) Local prosecutors are still working out whether to file charges against Runaway Bride, Jennifer Wilbanks. Wilbanks has admitted to calling police and reporting that she had been kidnapped, a call which kicked off a $60,000 manhunt.

Wilbanks has admitted to calling police and reporting that she had been kidnapped

If she were convicted, the punishment for her crime could be up to a year in jail for a misdemeanor conviction or a possible five-year term for a felony conviction. It has also been mentioned that she could be made fiscally libel for the $60,000 spent on the manhunt.

But before you judge Jennifer Wilbanks, I suggest you take a close look at her fiancé, John Mason. Could you picture that face twisted in the throws of sexual ecstasy? That is a truly frightening prospect.

She was somewhat remorseful for what she had done.

Whether charges are pressed or not may depend on whether prosecutors believe Wilbanks is sorry. Assistant special agent with the Georgia Bureau of Investigation, Carter Brank, says, "She was somewhat remorseful for what she had done. She didn't come right out and apologize. She didn't feel like she really had done anything wrong. But she did -- in her way -- make somewhat of an apology." Wow, that image of John Mason just keeps popping up. Could you imaging that face grunting and looming above you every night?

Whether or not Wilbanks has done something wrong, one thing is for certain. While the manhunt might have cost $60,000, the media coverage on Wilbanks has run into the millions. Sadly, for CNN and Fox News, there will be no restitution payments.

I’m sorry. I really can’t continue on. I can’t shake that mental image from my head.


International Organizations Hate the US

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

(SNN) For the first time in more than a half century, the Organization of American States has chosen a Secretary General that was not the first choice of the United States. The new Secretary General of the OAS is Chilean Minister of the Interior José Miguel Insulza.

very few know anything about the organization

The OAS was founded in 1948 with the mission of promoting democracy, defending human rights, and helping to establish markets based on free choice with minimal government interference. Beyond this, very few know anything about the organization beyond a few well studied high school government teachers.

The OAS has made a bold statement about the future of United States dominance.

As the most powerful member of the OAS, the United States has long been accused of using its clout to influence other nations. However, despite a last minute campaign of Latin American countries to support Mexican Minister of Foreign Affairs Luis Ernesto Derbez, the OAS has made a bold statement about the future of United States dominance.

It should be noted that despite this bold move against the United States, the OAS will lose very little political clout over their decision. First of all, they have very little political clout to begin with. And secondly, the member nations did not have anyone else to vote for, as the Mexican congress withdrew its support for Derbez’s candidacy.


Politics Makes Strange Ba’athfellows

Monday, May 02, 2005

(SNN) Foreign news reports are reporting that Donald Rumsfeld attempted to cut a deal with Saddam Hussein. While several Middle Eastern and Asian sources are reporting the offer, it remains relatively unmentioned in European and American papers.

The alleged offer took place during a surprise visit by Rumsfeld to Iraq two weeks ago. According to reports, Saddam was offered his freedom and even a return to public life if he was to make a televised request to rebel groups for a ceasefire with coalition forces.

The implications of this offer are grave at best, and if it was truly declined might point to even worse news on the horizon. A refusal from Saddam means a high level of confidence from a man that most outside observers say will get the death penalty. Saddam may believe that he will somehow be able to win his day in court. Alternatively, he may think the insurgency will restore him to power. Or even more unbelievably, maybe Saddam is holding out for a more serious commitment from Rumsfeld.

Rumsfeld had an on-again off-again relationship with Hussein.

During the presidency of Ronald Reagan, Rumsfeld had an on-again off-again relationship with Hussein. During that time, Rumsfeld had many personal rendezvous with Saddam. With the invasion of Kuwait the two called their relationship quits for good and there seemed no hopes for reconciliation.

Now it seems that Rumsfeld is trying to get back into bed with the deposed ruler. While the genuineness of the offer remains merely speculative, one thing is certain: Saddam Hussein is no man to have his affections trifled with. Whenever he has felt betrayed in the past, anyone disloyal to him has met with a firing squad. Donald Rumsfeld has often been characterized as a man who thinks with his heart instead of his head, but before making any offers for a more serious relationship, Rumsfeld should consider the implications of his proposal carefully.


North Korea Attacks Sea of Japan

Sunday, May 01, 2005

(SNN Seoul) Japanese officials are rushing to verify reports that North Korea has fired a short range missile at the Sea of Japan.

North Korea threatened that Japan would be immersed in a "nuclear sea of fire"

There is precedent for Korea attacking the sea. In March 2003, the North launched two missiles to coincide with the inauguration of South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun. In September, North Korea threatened that Japan would be immersed in a "nuclear sea of fire" if the United States were to attack the North. With the continuing attacks on the Sea of Japan, it is no longer assumed that this was a metaphor.

Connecting Japan, Korea and Russia, the East China Sea, the Pacific Ocean, and the Sea of Okhotsk through the Korea Strait, the Sea of Japan is a strategic military target. If North Korea were able to gain control of the Sea of Japan, it would be ruinous to its neighbors. The power to create tsunamis and typhoons alone could cause devastation.

North Korea insists on calling it the “East Sea”.

In addition to the military significance, there has been a longstanding contention between Japan and North Korea about the naming of the sea. While Japan favors “Sea of Japan”, North Korea insists on calling it the “East Sea”. If North Korea were to take control of the sea, they would most probably rename it.

Normally, the firing of one missile would not be so significant, but Sato Hiroshi (14), the only person in Japan that can pilot the robot Hotaru, is still in the hospital after his battle with the Chinese champion Gujia Bing Qing. Bing Qing is nursing Hiroshi back to health. Some say that Hiroshi has melted the heart of the “Ice Princess of China” and that she is being overprotective. Bing Qing fiercely guards his condition and has told officials that it will still be weeks before he has made his recovery.