NewsBlog 5000
The finger on the invisible hand

Can America afford a tone-deaf president?

Monday, January 29, 2007

The American President is more and more a spokesperson for the country. If this is the case, can America really afford a President that cannot sing her way out of a paper bag?

Adrian Chevelle, Entertainment Editor


Editor’s Note: Far From Home

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Faithful readers, I am writing to you from an internet café in Seoul. I thought I would give you a run down on my activities to date.

I had hoped that, by this time, I would be making my way across the DMZ. Unfortunately, I seem to have come to South Korea unprepared. I thought it would be relatively easy for me to find my contact Lee, and I wrote down only minimal information about him. I was, quite frankly, unprepared for the number of men in Korea named Lee.

Earlier, this week, I thought I may have found a clue as to where my sympathetic arms merchant might be. However, it turned out that it was just a bar that was owned by an entire family of Lees. However, on the bright side, the Lees made a wonderful Buchimgae.

I will continue to try for the next few weeks to complete my mission and assassinate Kim Jung Il. However, if I am unable to obtain weapons and a safe path through the DMZ, I will be forced to return to the USA. Upon return, I hope to destroy another one of America’s greatest enemies: Hillary Clinton.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Editor’s Note: A New Road

Saturday, January 13, 2007

I started NewsBlog 5000 in 2004. George W. Bush had just been re-elected, we were staying the course and we had a fully funded staff. Now the thought of those three things seem to just leave the taste bitter ashes in my mouth.

With a heavy heart, I feel it necessary to shut down our online magazine, known as NewsBlog 5000. This is not the hopeful world which we had foreseen. Despite our persistence, the Neocon movement has fallen far short of the goal of total control in perpetuity.

And while I hear that we are going to be attacking Iran and Syria soon, what about the original Axis of Evil. Kim Jung Il still sits atop his golden throne in North Korea, and the greatest military force every assembled can do nothing about it.

Well, I say that it is time to fight back. I will not rest until the United States is in at War with every part of the Evil world. Tonight I leave for Seoul, South Korea. There I am to meet a man named Lee, who will supply me with a small cache of weapons and transport me to the DMZ.

If all goes well, by this time next month, I will be looting Kim Jung Il’s corpse for souvenirs.

Farewell, loyal readers. Hopefully you should hear from me in six to eight weeks. If not, then this is goodbye.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Robert Anton Wilson January 18, 1932 – January 11, 2007

Thursday, January 11, 2007


Bush will Veto Medicare reforms

Thursday, January 11, 2007

(SNN Washington) President Bush has promised that he would veto legislation requiring the government to negotiate for lower prices from drug companies under Medicare.

This woman is fucked.

A Democrat drafted bill in the House is up for debate today and tomorrow. The bill is a priority item for Democrats in the 100 hour legislative push.

However, the administration does not think forcing drug companies to bid or "compete" would help the Medicare system. "Government interference impedes competition, limits access to lifesaving drugs, reduces convenience for beneficiaries and ultimately increases costs to taxpayers, beneficiaries and all American citizens alike," the administration said in a written statement.

Democrats have said they would use the savings produced by the negotiations to reduce a coverage gap that is common in many plans. However, many Republicans say that they enjoyed screwing over seniors. "What we set out to do, we accomplished," said Sen. Jim Bunning, R-Ky., during a hearing Thursday about the drug benefit. "We had a success, a very big success."

A survey of seniors for the Kaiser Family Foundation showed that about 81 percent of seniors want to let the government use its buying power to negotiate drug prices, including 67 percent who said they strongly favor such negotiations.


5000 Salutes: Former Candidate Hackett

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I know you may have had to read that headline twice readers, but there are two reasons I love Liberal Paul Hackett. First of all, he dropped out of the congressional race against Jeanie Schmitt (who I have the biggest crush on). Secondly, he chases down people with assault rifles. Mr. Cheney would be proud.

Three men crashed into Hackett’s fence early in the morning. Hackett grabbed his loaded AR-15 and chased them down. He then made the lay on the ground until police arrived. Hackett said that he "took affirmative action to protect his wife and family from an unknown disturbance at his house."

According to police, Hackett had one in the chamber and another 28 rounds in the magazine. Furthermore, the police report said, “He said he had done this about 200 times in Iraq, but this time there was not a translation problem."

There is no doubt that the old guard Democrats that asked Hackett to step down from the race were terrified by his enormous balls. If men like Paul Hackett were in Congress, Ted Kennedy would no doubt be afraid to criticize our troops.

I’ll tell you what else liberals, he probably looks a hell of a lot better without his shirt than that Barrack Hussein Obama guy.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Editor’s Note: A tale of two photos

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

There are two photographs circling in the media that really upset me. First is this picture of Barack Obama.

I’m sorry if this upset s anyone, but this is the last nail in the coffin. This is enough reason not to take him seriously as a candidate. Let’s not forget the influence the shirtless effect had to Ted Kennedy’s presidential campaign. Just remember in the future drunken murderer Ted Kennedy = Barack Obama.

The second photo is one of George W. Bush and disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff.

While you cannot see the feet of the two men, it’s pretty easy to see that Bush is either much taller, or standing slightly in front of Abramoff. In addition, the President is staring off into space as if he has no idea that Abramoff is behind him, let alone where he is and that his picture is being taken. When you add that to the President’s well known dislike for having his picture taken with Jews, it is apparent that the two men are coincidentally standing near each other, not posing for a phototgraph.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


US to refurbish nuclear arsenal

Monday, January 08, 2007

(SNN Toluca Lake) Today the Bush Administration is likely to announce a major step forward for the country’s nuclear arsenal, in a program estimated to cost $100 billion.

This comfortable office could be the home of America’s newest warheads.

Congress authorized exploratory research for the weapon three years ago and has financed it at relatively low levels since. But now the costs will begin to increase.

But what will $100 billion buy us? Well say goodbye to the old days of huge old missiles huddled in bunkers underground. Weapons of the future will sit in high-rise offices in some of the nicest property in the country, such as Austin and Chapel Hill.

Not only will these new weapons have a better address but also better surroundings. On Friday, Bryan Wilkes, a spokesman for the National Nuclear Security Administration of the Energy Department, said the government would not proceed with the Reliable Replacement Warhead "if we cannot find the proper materials and décor to foster a positive work environment.” But other officials in the administration, including Robert Joseph, the under secretary of state for arms control and international security, have said that the White House should make no commitment.

These new environments will be designed with the hope that warheads will feel relaxed and feel more inclined to express their creativity. In addition, the pentagon intends to spend a major amount of money to make the weapons feel secure. General James Cartwright, head of the Strategic Command, which controls the nation's nuclear arsenal, said, “If you are going to have these weapons, they should be safe, they should be able to be secured.”


Editor’s Note: A brief absence

Saturday, January 06, 2007

On Thursday, Nancy Pelosi took up the gavel as the First Speaker of the House. As I predicted in my weekly broadcast of The 5000 Club, her first act was to pass a House rule that would find Republicans in violation if I did not have sex with San Francisco homosexuals.

They arrived at my door around midday, and I have been servicing them ever since. That is why I have not been able to post for awhile. I don’t want mention any of the lurid details, but let’s just say that I am writing this post standing up.

Excuse me for a minute, faithful readers, my phone is ringing.

Ok, scratch that last part about the House rules. I just got off the phone with my Assistant Editor, James Skippenofsky, and Skippy tells me that there was no such rule passed. It seems the men violating me for the last three days were just part of an elaborate hoax.

So, to those homosexual gentlemen that so easily tricked me by playing against my deepest fears and then screwed me nearly to death, I have only one thing to say. My friend, Carl Rove, is looking for some guys like you to work in his office. Come by later… Better yet, just give me a call and I’ll give you the details.


Giuliani’s Presidential Bid Undermined

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

(SNN Washington) Even before he formally entered the presidential race, the former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani has suffered the leak of an extremely detailed campaign document. The document not only points out Giuliani’s strategy, but also his weaknesses.

Rudolf Giuliani desecrates the flag

The 140 page strategy document detail amongst other things Giuliani’s plans for raising the bulk of his campaign money, including hitting up high power GOP financiers and doing favors for sailors down by the docks.

The document also listed the best ways to attack Giuliani. It lists liabilities such as his divorce due to an affair, his ties to his former aid and candidate for homeland security chief Bernard Kerik, his support for gun control, and his frequent visits to the docks to do favors for sailors.

Still mysterious is how opponents of Giuliani got possession of the sensitive document. One theory is that someone on now Governor Crist of Florida’s campaign staff stole the luggage of a Giuliani flunky and photocopied the document. One thing is for certain, one of the bags from the Giuliani entourage did go missing. However, the Crist staffer merely may have been trying to steal one of Giuliani’s suitcases full of unmarked, non-sequential small bills, that he carries everywhere he goes.

Giuliani has often been called America’s Mayor, both for his centrist views and his unbelievable depth of corruption.

While Giuliani has not officially announces his plans, a presidential bid has been heavily rumored. Giuliani has also spoken of taking over Regis Philbin's duties on Live with Regis and Kelly if nothing else turns up.


Follow up: The Goode Fight

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

(SNN USA) Today Representative Virgil Goode posted a clarification of his views on the swearing-in of Rep. elect Keith Ellison’s decision to be sworn in on the Koran.

Rep. Virgil Goode

Goode stated that his letter did not call for a religious test for prospective Congressmen. He merely wanted to point out that he wanted to see Muslims kept out of the country so that something like Congressman elect Ellison’s swearing in would never, ever happen again, even if that means burning them at the stake. He goes on to say that there are a whole lot of Muslims visiting the United States at any given time.

Just so people knew Congressman Goode was serious about his statements, he made some confusing comparison to 9/11. “Let us remember that we were not attacked by a nation on 9/11; we were attacked by extremists who acted in the name of the Islamic religion.” This may actually come as a surprise to many USA Today readers.

Rep. Virgil Goode is a Republican from Virginia's 5th congressional district.

Rep. Goode sent his op-ed to the USA Today, hoping that the bright colors and charts would guarantee that no-one who read it would be thinking.