NewsBlog 5000
The finger on the invisible hand

Skippy Gets a Website

Sunday, April 30, 2006

You may have noticed there has not been a Skippy Does it for awhile. There's kind of a funny story behind that. I have always wanted to someday graduate from NewsBlog 5000 into my own website. I now know that you should be careful what you wish for.

I wanted to go on one of those crazy Japanese game shows. I went for an audition, and was kidnapped by the Yakuza. I was then stripped naked and put in an apartment on a webcam and forced to apply to contests to meet my basic needs. The front door and the windows were barred to stop me from getting away.

I was hindered in my abilities to win the contests because I do not read Japanese. I went seventeen days without food. Finally, I got my first prize, a jar of mayonnaise. I tried eating mayonnaise for a few days, but did not feel nutritionally fulfilled. Finally, I covered my body with the mayonnaise and between my emaciated form and the lubrication of the mayonnaise, I was able to get out of a smaller window which the Yakuza had considered too small to escape from. You would be amazed at how hard it is to get by in a country if you don't understand the culture, don't understand the language, are naked and covered in mayonnaise. Fortunately, the police came by and hit me with a tear gas grenade.

Now that I think of it, it's not really all that funny a story.

James Skippenofsky, Skippy Does It All


NewsBlog 5000 Quick Fact

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Last year, the FBI legally investigated 3501 people without court orders. To put this in perspective, if you live in an area of 100,000 people, 1 person in your community has been investigated. That is roughly the same as your chances of dying from a bee sting or being held in a secret prison.


Rush Limbaugh: Rush Limbaugh was Not Arrested

Saturday, April 29, 2006

(SNN West Palm Beach) A spokesman for Rush Limbaugh said news reports that state Mr. Limbaugh was arrested are inaccurate.

The spokesman wanted to make it well known that Mr. Limbaugh just went to the Police Dept. as a special "photo op" to show how much he appreciates the boys in blue. And the boys in blue love Rush too. They like him so much, that they wouldn't let him leave without putting up $3000 in bond money. Furthermore, the booking number and charge of Fraud – Conceal Info to Obtain Prescription was just a prank the officers played on him. The warrant that was issued previous to his visit was just a courtesy detail.

Roy Black, attorney to Rush Limbaugh, stated "Mr. Limbaugh and I have maintained from the start that there was no doctor shopping, and we continue to hold this position. Accordingly, we filed today with the Court a plea of 'Not Guilty' to the charge filed by the State."

Limbaugh was able to come to an agreement with the state. Black stated, "As part of this agreement, Mr. Limbaugh also has agreed to make a $30,000 payment to the State of Florida to defray the public cost of the investigation. The agreement also provides that he must refrain from violating the law during the 18 month period, must pay $30 per month for the cost of 'supervision' and comply with other similar provisions of the agreement."

This just goes to show how civic minded Rush Limbaugh is. While the government is impinging on his freedom, he is even going to pay them a gratuity.


House Republicans Save Lobbying Bill

Friday, April 28, 2006

(SNN Washington) Despite resistance from Democrats, House Republicans passed legislation that will change the way lobbyists interacted with lobbyists. The GOP-backed bill requires greater transparency and limits privately funded travel by lawmakers.

The bill barely passed on a 216-207 vote, until Republican members of the House Appropriations Committee accepted a leadership compromise. On Tuesday, debate will resume on the bill. Now that a majority of Republicans are behind the bill, it is likely to pass. House Majority Whip Roy Blunt, R-Mo., said that in his eight years in the leadership, "I was never less certain five minutes before we started the vote." However, some House members pretended things went more smoothly.

Democrats were uniformly hard on the bill, voting unanimously against the bill and saying that it didn't actually do anything. It is obvious Democrats are not serious about ending lobbyist corruption.

"I am proud of all my Republican members for their unity and passionate conviction that any reforms should affect earmarks wherever they exist," said Appropriations Committee Chairman Jerry Lewis, R-Calif. This proves that Jerry Lewis has still got it.

Like the Senate version of the bill, the house version requires lobbyists to file quarterly reports on their activities, which they already must do semi-annually. It temporarily bans privately funded travel. Furthermore, it increases already existing penalties on lobbyists. Finally, it takes away the retirement benefits of already independently wealthy congressman convicted of corruption-related crimes. However, some members of the House don't believe the bill is tough enough. For instance, it fails to set limits on soft money and prostitutes.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Slow Ride

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Practice being slow. Then go to the supermarket express lane. Note how you do not feel different.


Poll: No One Cares about the Last Crazy thing Cruise Did

Thursday, April 27, 2006

(SNN New York) A SNN/NewsBlog 5000 poll shows that only 23% of Americans care about Tom Cruise doing crazy things.

A whopping 72% of those polled viewed Cruise as "Not crazy enough to kill anyone, so who cares." The remaining 15% of those surveyed refused to give any opinion on Cruise, even after a vigorous beating with a rubber hose.

In addition, 80% of respondents said that believed Cruise was crazy enough to try to eat a placenta, and 2% were too sick to respond after being asked the question.

Finally, the poll showed 40% of Americans believe this picture is real.


Congress Readies New Copyright Bill

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Property Protection Act of 2006

We intended to provide portions of the Property Protection Act of 2006 here. However, the No Electronic Theft Act of 1997 makes that punishable by 5 years in prison and a $100,000 fine.

(SNN Washington) While academics, technology experts and technology companies have been trying to get Congress to relax the copyright laws in the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, they have only a fraction of the money available to entertainment lawyers.

Legislation drafted by the entertainment industry, plagiarized by the President and backed by Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX), named the Intellectual Property Protection Act of 2006 would make the attempted copying of a movie punishable by 10 years in prison.

Detractors say that the bill would give people who copy movies more years in prison that those that traffic child pornography. However, supporters of the bill point out that child pornography does not make money for the entertainment industry, no matter how much their executives enjoy watching it.

This is typcial of the paranoia people feel over new legislation. Some people cliamed the Digital Millenium Copyright Act had provisions that would make everyone a criminal, such as the clause that makes it illegal for a consumer to watch a movie that they rent or purchase. What those people are overlooking is that there is more to enjoy from a modern DVD than just the movie contained within. DVDs come with beautiful artwork and packaging that can but put on display and appreciated. Or at least the artwork and packaging can be displayed until the Intellectual Property Protection Act of 2006 passes, at which point it will be illegal to look at the packaging of a DVD you own.


John Lennon Asks for Peas in TV Seance

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

"Peas ... The Message is Peas." This is what a psychic and an expert in paranormal activity claim John Lennon wants to tell us from the grave.

The late Beatle's spirit made contact with them through what is described as an Electronic Voice Phenomenon(EVP). The EVP was discovered during a taping of a seance at La Fortuna restaurant in New York, which Lennon frequented. Wherever Lennon is, he is obviously hungry.

Yoko Ono declined comment.


Bush Eases Environmental Rules on Gasoline

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

How else could the US reduce Gas Prices

Blow up Iran

Assassinate Hugo Chavez

Wal-Mart Gift Cards

Cut down Forests for Fuel

Burn Catholics

Assassinate Hugo Chavez

Faith Based Locomotion

Immigrants with Sedan Chairs

(SNN Washington) Today, President Bush froze filling of the nation's emergency oil reserve and urged suspension of clean air rules to ease gas shortages. In addition, he took away $2 billion in tax credit from oil companies that have seen profits increase $16 billion over the last 5 years.

Experts say Bush's actions won't have any impact on prices at the pump. However, President Bush countered with, "Every little bit helps." This is very true, except when it is incorrect. In addition, oil refiners claimed that the waivers were too late to do any good.

When questioned on the wisdom of waiving the clean air act, the President pointed out that the waivers would only be for 60 days. As a balance to the loss in air quality, Mr. Bush suggested a moratorium on refried beans.

Bush also urged lawmakers to expand tax breaks for the purchase of fuel-efficient hybrid automobiles, a politically popular measure that's also supported by environmentalists. Hybrid vehicles have become popular amongst young professional and those unconcerned with penis size.

This suspension of the filling of the Strategic Oil Reserve was actually suggested by Sen. John Kerry in 2004. At the time, Bush said it was the last act of a desperate man.


Roy's Thought of the Day: What Keys?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Purposely lose your keys. This way you won't feel so stupid when you can't find them.


Mick Jagger Un-American

Monday, April 24, 2006

(SNN Prague) Mick Jagger, who is old and hates America, has refused to give up a hotel suite for President Bush.

The Rolling Stone reserved the Royal Suite at the five-star Imperial Hotel in Vienna, Austria for June. Later, Bush aides tried to book the suite for a summit meeting. “White House officials had wanted to reserve the suite and all the other rooms on the first floor," said a source close to Jagger, "But Mick and the Stones had already booked every one of them."

The hotel suite is very important to Bush. Bush likes to style himself as a hometown guy, a guy you might meet on the way to the ice machine at the Motel 6. This is why it is imperative that he stay in the Royal Suite, at $5000, considered one of the finest hotel rooms in the entire world. Because after the taxpayer is no longer footing the bill, he will have to deal with rooms afforded to him by speaking engagements and consulting gigs. Rumor is that the Lavonia School of Hairstyling and Massage does not have a $5000 a night budget for their commencement speaker. It is also very difficult to find a hotel that will allow Dick Cheney in the rooms.

Some might say that the actions of the immature millionaire were a little inappropriate when dealing with one of the world's most powerful men, but others say Bush will just have to get used to the idea of not staying in the suite. But in a way, this is about more than two millionaires fighting over a room bigger than most people's houses. It is about how some people think it's ok that George Bush does not get to do whatever he wants.


Bin Laden likely Surrounded by Arabs

Sunday, April 23, 2006

(SNN Cairo) United States intelligence officials say that Osama bin Laden has to be very careful about whom he trusts and is likely surrounded by other Arabs.

A recent Fox News Poll showed bin Laden's popularity at only 33%. On the brighter side, he is still polling higher than his chief deputy Ayman al-Zawahri, who has fallen to the high teens.

Many experts agree that bin Laden is doing the right thing to surround himself with Arabs. It is likely that by doing this he is much safer than if he were to surround himself with Jews or Floridians.

However, some say there is a danger that by surrounding himself with people that sternly hold on to the same ideology. It is possible he will put himself into an echo chamber which nothing critical of his cause can penetrate.

In completely unrelated news, President Bush was defending Donald Rumsfeld at Camp David on Friday. The calls for Rumsfeld's resignation have slowed since last week, when Bush asserted his authority as commander in chief to declare that Rumsfeld has his ``full support and deepest appreciation.''


Vice President Dies during Chinese President's Press Conference

Friday, April 21, 2006

(SNN Washington) The NY Times reports that Chinese officials were outraged over the White House accrediting a reporter who screamed at Mr. Hu from the stands, and mistakenly referring to China by the name of its archrival Taiwan. Adding insult to injury, Vice President Dick Cheney died during Mr. Hu's press conference.

While Hu went though the formalities of meeting with the President, it was made clear that the real purpose for his trip to America was to meet with Bill Gates of Microsoft and Wal-Mart CEO for procurement Lawrence Jackson. In addition, Hu expressed enthusiasm for a Toby Keith, "I Love China" tour.

The death of Vice President Cheney didn’t surprise the Chinese. The Vice President that died today is actually the fifth Dick Cheney to die in office. And as this article is being written, another Dick Cheney has been dispatched to the White House from Bethesda Naval Hospital, in Bethesda.

This last Dick Cheney is the shortest lived Dick Cheney so far, only surviving six months after the last Dick Cheney (IV) died after eating a waffle. Fortunately, this brings us closer to Dick Cheney X, who is reputed to have super powers.


Minutemen Want a Solid 15

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Minutemen Quick Fact

While the minutemen have been embroiled in accusations of racism, they are heavily supported by the Aryan nation, a part of India.

Minutemen border watch leader Chris Simcox sent a stern message to President Bush today. Mr. Bush, build that wall.

Simcox said Wednesday that he's sending an ultimatum to the President, and when he says President, he means the media. President Bush must send the national guard to protect the border, or Simcox's volunteers would start privately erecting a fence.

The minutemen have already gotten permission from six landowners to build a fence. The fences would consist of a 6 foot deep trench, backed by razor wire in front of a fifteen foot high angled heavy gauge steel mesh fence. In addition, the trench would be filled with alligators, and minutemen volunteers will smear their own feces on the fence to make it harder to climb. Behind fence would be a 60 foot wide graded dirt road, to facilitate that ability of minutemen to go on beer runs while calling each other "Raven" and "Night Commando". Behind the dirt road would be another 15 foot fence crowned with Razor wire and video cameras.

Whichever minuteman works the hardest to build the fence will receive a coupon for a free penis extension, so he does not have to chase around half starved, unarmed Mexicans to feel like a man.

But the great patriot Chris Simcox is stymied at every turn. He is described by people who know him as an "incurable racist" and a "failed anti-Mexican bigot". His own son was taken away from him when he was merely training him to be a soldier in the "upcoming race war" that would result from the "Mexican conspiracy" working to take over Los Angeles. Last year Simcox was convicted on federal weapons charges while merely exercising his right, as a crazy person, to bear arms.

In addition to wanting to protect us from the Mexican conspiracy, Simcox fulfills another grand patriotic function. By comparison, President Bush looks intelligent and sane.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Rain Train

Thursday, April 20, 2006

If you find a carwash that will let you wash the homeless in bulk, do not wash your car there. When you are done, everyone will be trying to bum a ride off of you.


Could Placenta be the New Pork?

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

(SNN London) Tom Cruise, the Hollywood star whose finance is due to give birth any day, told a US magazine that he plans to eat the placenta of his new born and expects it to be very nutritious.

'Has Tom finally flipped?'

This begs the question, 'Has Tom finally flipped?' According to a poll on, the answer is no. When asked by Parade if Tom's bad image was the fault of the media or of Tom, over 84% said it was the fault of the media. However, Parade's publicist pointed out after the poll that 10 computers were responsible for over 77% of the votes, about 14,000. In addition, machines beyond those 10 showed an inordinate volume of votes. From these results, it's obvious that Tom's friends are very generous and willing to share their computers with several thousand people.

Placenta eating is considered a little odd

While placenta eating is considered a little odd, it is not illegal. In 1998, chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall cooked a placenta on his BBC Channel 4 program and served it at a dinner party. The placenta was fried with shallots and garlic, flambéed, puréed and served as a pate on focaccia bread. It has been widely speculated that Cruise's popularity could push the dish back into the mainstream.

In the wild, mammals bite through the umbilical cord and eat the placenta straight after the birth. This is likely to be the method used by Cruise.


Dixie Chicks Continue to Hate Freedom

Monday, April 17, 2006

(SNN Odessa) The Austin trio that announced that they wanted to see the bodies of American soldiers strewn across the loveless desert is at it again.

Not only have the Dixie Chicks refused to apologize for refusing to support the president and the global war on terror, their first single "Not Ready to Make Nice" seems specifically chosen to be inflammatory and divisive.

Many people even go as far as to say that the new single is divisive on purpose. They say that the Dixie Chicks do not want the same people who attacked their patriotism and intelligence, threatened their lives, and encouraged their children to spit at them to buy their album.

This is the final insult. Not only are the Dixie Chicks un-American enough to not support the president, they have the anti-American view that they don't have to take the money of someone who terrorized them.

"Not Ready to Make Nice" joins the Nine Inch Nails song "With Teeth" and the entire Green Day American Idiot album as songs that will not be played by a large number of country and western radio stations.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Yule Despair

Monday, April 17, 2006

Multicolored Christmas lights are the most depressing object created by man.


Sean Hannity: Still in Love with Bush After All These Years

Sunday, April 16, 2006

(SNN New York) Despite low approval ratings, Sean Hannity still likes President Bush. He believes that History with vindicate the President's policies.

"Let me be straight with you — I like George Bush," Hannity said, as if there might be some doubt in anyone's mind. "I think he's a man of principle, a man of faith. I think he's got a backbone of steel and he's a real, genuine, big-time leader ... He's a consequential figure for his time. We don't see it right now."

In addition, a piece of legal paper idly left in a room where Hannity was having a meeting held several doodles. Included in the doodle was a large "W" surrounded by little hearts.

In an AP article today, Newsday columnist Ellis Henican described Hannity's special relationship with President Bush as a "double tug".


Editor's Note: Obey

Saturday, April 15, 2006

This week has found turmoil as six retired generals have asked for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld. This not only disheartens the troops, but it goes against the weight of human history. It is the job of generals to Obey their leaders.

What these generals don't understand is that George Bush is a rich man, and Dick Cheney even more so. It is the right of rich people to do anything they want to the poor (which, by comparison, is just about everyone else). Throughout human history, it has been well established that the rich should rule over the poor and do whatever they want with them. Historically rich people have shown their God-given superiority over the poor by using them as furniture, ask them to die in wars, or in extreme cases, ask them to chew their food.

This brings us to another god given leader very similar to our own George Bush, King Charles II of Spain. Much like George Bush, he got into government because that was what a parent did. Charles II was the descendent of one of Europe's greatest ruling families, the Hapsburgs. Unfortunately, he was so disfigured from generations of inbreeding that someone else had to chew his food.

Yes, much like our own President, Charles II was severely physically and mentally disabled. And again like George, the only reason he was considered a man at all was that he enjoyed shooting. Did people starve under Charles II? Yes. Where people unfairly imprisoned and tortured under Charles II? Yes. But those things aren't important. What was important is that God made him the ruler of Spain, just as he has made George W. Bush leader of the United States.

History shows us that if we loyally follow the President the worst thing we have to worry about is ceding a little bit of land to Portugal. Oh, and his reign ended with a major war of succession, but that is just because he promised the throne to both his brother and an Austrian. So until God decides he was wrong, and he never is, George Bush will be our leader, and it is up to us to Obey.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Generals' Demands Prompt 600px Wide Graphic

Friday, April 14, 2006

Enough generals have now asked for Rumsfeld resignation to make a neatly spaced graphic across a New York Times online article.


ATF Agent Attacks Ninja

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Ninja Quick Fact

The secrets of ninjitsu were originally stolen from the Master of Sinanju. It has expended over the centuries and was taught to Batman.

(SNN Athens) Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearm agents promoting Project Safe Neighborhoods detained a "suspicious individual" near Georgia Center. The suspicious individual in question was a ninja.

The ninja, Sophomore Jeremiah Ransom, said his treatment at the hands of the ATF agents was "surreal." “I was jogging from Wesley to Snelling when I heard someone yell ‘freeze.’” Ransom was coming from a pirate and ninja mixer, being hosted by the Wesley Foundation.

“Seeing someone with something across the face, from a federal standpoint — that’s not right,” McLemore said, explaining why agents believed something to be amiss. This just shows how our federal agents need to be more sensitive to ethnic minorities, especially in these times when immigration is such a hot issue. Ransom was merely wearing the traditional garb of the ninja.

We spoke Derrick Yardarm, a fourth generation Buccaneer American and a researcher in the field of pirate and ninja persecution. "Buccanneers an' ninjas be havin' had a long hard swashbuckle fer equality in this country," says Yardarm. " 'Tis this sort o' intolerance that shows us how far we be havin' t' go."


Roy's Thought of the Day: 29 Stone

Thursday, April 13, 2006

A five pound bag of rocks carried by a 400 pound man is a lot of weight.


Music Again Found to be Satan

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

(SNN Yokosuka) Elder G. Graige Lewis attacked hip-hop as "the greatest attack on the youth of the world." The minister says that rap stars like 50 Cent, Jay-Z, Snoop Dogg, Ja Rule, Bone Thugs-N-Harmony and the Three 6 Mafia hide Satanic images in their music.

"The Devil has a plan to deceive this country through music," Lewis told an audience of 60 at Yokosuka's Little Theater. "It started with heavy metal, but that only attracted a demographic of white, suburban kids. Hip-hop has global appeal. It’s an entire culture of clothes, music and lifestyle. You listen to the music while the lyrics promote killing, drugs, sex, crime, idolatry and violence." It was not known if the country Lewis was speaking of was the United States or Japan.

Airman Marissa Shafer-Barnes doesn't think there's anything wrong. "Only somebody really weak would listen to this music and say 'that's the thing to do,'" said Shafer-Barnes, someone who was susceptible to the advertising of Air Force recruiters.

"Lucifer was the chief musician in heaven before he fell to Earth and became Satan," Lewis said. "It's ridiculous to see these people thanking God for selling so many records or winning awards. You can’t serve two masters. You can’t dance with the devil and praise the Lord." But that is where Lewis is wrong. Studies show that most adults are able to coordinate more than one task at a time. In addition it has been shown that this ability can be learned over time, possibly even by hip-hop artists.

But Lewis is not alone in his complaints. Other styles have been accused of being the work of the devil. In the 50s, Rockabilly and Doo-Wop were considered satanic. And Jazz has been considered Satanic since the Devil taught Robert Johnson how to play the blues in exchange for his soul.


Gingrich Attacks Gingrich

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

(SNN Vermillion) Newt Gingrich, former Republican Speaker of the House, told students and faculty at the University of South Dakota that the United States needed to pull out of Iraq. But not everyone welcomed his constructive criticism.

"It was an enormous mistake for us to try to occupy that country after June of 2003," said Gingrich, who was visiting the school to be honored for his conservatism. "We have to pull back, and we have to recognize it." Gingrich also said he was looking forward to exciting new war opportunities in Iran.

However, not everyone is happy with Gingrich’s cut and run attitude. Take what Republican Newt Gingrich said in late 2003, “I think it’s easy to go back now and second-guess. But when I look back and I think about what we felt in February and March and April, I think it was the right war, it was the right decision.”

Yet another Republican, Newt Gingrich then said in 2004, “We have some of our friends here at home who want it both ways. They want to complain that we’re not winning fast enough, and they want to complain if we take any casualties.” This particular New Gingrich offered these words of advice, “You can’t have it both ways.”


Roy's Thought of the Day: Separate but Peequal

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Make your own "you must be this tall to ride this ride" sign with a minimum height of 5' 9". Put it in front of a public restroom. Sit, watch and learn.


Fish may be Dying Out, Finally

Monday, April 10, 2006

(SNN Washington) The U.N. Food and Agriculture Organization says that one quarter of the world’s marine stocks are harvested at a rate faster than fish can replace them. Another half is approaching this point. The upshot of this is that we are soon going to have less fish. And this will be a great boon in the Global War on Sharks.

Sharks bite people.

Sharks bite people. That is an undisputable fact. If we want less people bitten, we need less sharks. And effective way to kill off the sharks would be to eliminate their food supply. Sharks eat people and fish. Since we can’t kill off people to save them from sharks, fish are the only alternative.

Sure, some people will be inconvenienced by a lack of fish: Catholics, people who like anchovies, and other people who like fish. But isn’t a little inconvenience a small price to pay to save a life?

So the next time someone tries to comfort you by telling you there are a lot of fish in the sea, you can knowledgably tell them, “Not really.”


Military Conducts Taser Tests on Pigs

Saturday, April 08, 2006

(SNN San Antonio) The Department of Defense conducted tests of Taser guns on live pigs at a Texas military base.

The animals were used as part of an experimental study by the DOD at a research lab at Brooks City-Base in the summer of 2002 to test the effectiveness of various Taser devices on pigs.

While Tasering pigs sounds like a lot of fun, some people aren't happy. "This is (a) very upsetting video showing 11 fully conscious pigs being shocked with Taser stun guns," Laura Yanne, of PETA, said.

"They are shot with these 50,000 volts of electricity until they topple and convulse and are clearly screaming," Yanne said. And if she thought that was bad, it is probably lucky she did not get audio of the sounds they made when their balls were cut off.

In a statement, Ed Shannon, a spokesman for Brooks City-Base, said the research "is vital to our nation's defense and saves the lives of our military's men and women that are being attacked by pigs in alarming numbers."

Still exists the contention that we only used our nation's military might against the pigs because of our nation's insatiable addiction to bacon. Today in a press conference White House Spokesperson Scott McClellan would neither confirm nor deny that the President eats a bacon sandwich with every meal. However, some say that the President's penchant for bacon would only strengthen his position with the Republican base.


Editor's Note: Shame on Scooter

Friday, April 07, 2006

It is being played through all the news channels today that President Bush authorized Vice President Dick Cheney to leak key portions of classified prewar intelligence to promote the Iraq war.

In my opinion, this is the worst type of irresponsible behavior. The press is focusing on a non-issue. The President has the authority to leak any classified information he wants. While what the President did might be on shaky legal ground, it is our responsibility to stand behind him. Anything else is terrorism.

It is also irresponsible on the part of Scooter Libby. As a member of the Sincmil News Network Board of Directors, I brought up and we passed a motion to that all employees donate an entire week of their gross income to the Scooter Libby Legal defense fund. There were some employees that went as far as to complain that we on the board of directors did not have to donate any money. But what those employees didn't understand is that compared to the entire payroll, our board only makes a drop in the bucket. And when you make as much money as the people on our board you have other responsibilities.

The important thing is that we gave all that money so that Scooter Libby would protect the President. The best way to protect the President is to deny that he did anything. If we thought that Scooter Libby was actually going to tell the Special Prosecutor what happened, we would never have wasted our employees' money.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Roy's Thought of the Day: Sparky O'Lampcord

Friday, April 07, 2006

Stripping the insulation from a lamp cord and attaching each end to your nipples does not equal a substitute for missing the St. Paddy Day's festivities.


DeLay Supporters Beat Up Old Lady

Friday, April 07, 2006

(SNN Sugar Land) Supporters of U.S. Rep. Tom DeLay attended an event held by the Democratic candidate for the congressman's seat, Nick Lampson. Their protest quickly turned to violence.

They just did it to be nasty.

"I got pushed. I got hit. I got a sign wadded up in my face and my hat pulled down over my eyes," said Marsha Rovai, 69, a supporter of Nick Lampson. "They just did it to be nasty."

The spontaneous, unplanned protest was sparked by an email from DeLay's campaign manager Chris Homan. Homan made it clear that Lampson was going to "have to get used to being confronted about his voting record" and by "being confronted about his voting record" Homan meant, "other old ladies will be getting the shit kicked out of them."

there would have been no violence if Democrats had not been in attendance

Homan claimed that DeLay, who is under indictment for running an illegal campaign, knew nothing about the planning of the smack down. Homan pointed out that there would have been no violence if Democrats had not been in attendance and added that if Lampson wanted the violence to stop he should not run for office.

This incident sparks the worst campaign violence since Donald Rumsfeld stabbed Max Cleland. But in retrospect, given they were attacked by DeLay supporters, the people at the rally were actually quite lucky that they were not raped.


Rumsfeld: Errors?

Thursday, April 06, 2006

The editor of this publication felt that the Secretaries of Defense and State arguing about the successfulness of the war might be disturbing. To lighten the mood, we have included a picture of Vanilla Ice and a wallaroo.

(SNN Fargo) Today in a radio interview, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said he did not know what Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice was talking about when she said last week that the United States had made thousands of “tactical errors” in handling the war in Iraq.

Rumsfeld suggested that Rice made this statement because she did not have a basic understanding of warfare. And Rumsfeld has the experience to know. While Rice was off getting a PhD, Rumsfeld was managing the war in Viet Nam.

This last incident just underlines a rift between the Departments of State and Defense. The management of the war has been taking a bashing from members of the State Department and the news media, and members of Congress, retired Generals, Generals in the field, our allies, the Iraqi people, and pretty much the majority of the population of the entire world.

Rumsfeld, who originally said the war would be over in 32.7 seconds, pointed to the unpredictable nature of the Iraq war as the reason the United States has had to change tactics over the past three years. If this is what a good plan looks like to Rumsfeld, perhaps we can all be thankful that we aren’t seeing what he could call a fuck up.


Roy's Thought of the Day: P-Bomb

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

A trucker who likes the P-Funk is a trucker you can trust.


Homeland Security Spokesman Arrested

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

(SNN Washington) Brian J. Doyle, Deputy Press Secretary for the Department of Homeland Security was arrested last night after attempting to seduce a child and transmitting harmful materials to a minor.

Doyle, 55, is charged with seven counts of use of a computer to seduce a child

Doyle, 55, is charged with seven counts of use of a computer to seduce a child and 16 counts of transmission of harmful material to a minor in a sting conducted by the Sheriff's Department in Polk County, Florida. Doyle has confessed to police and agreed to waive extradition.

In a conversation with an undercover deputy, Doyle encouraged her to buy a web camera and send graphic images of herself to him. Doyle also sent non pornographic pictures of himself and hardcore pornographic videos.

While some have wondered why a ranking member of the Homeland Security official in Homeland Security could be so easily suckered, the Public Affairs department of DHS does not have the best track record. Airport and Port security are still considered a joke and still recovering from the aftermath of hurricane Katrina, social engineers have still not arrived to rebuild the President's reputation. Short of being masterminds, the Office of Public Affairs at DHS may not even have anyone capable of playing the game Mastermind, and even Candyland may be questionable.

The most puzzling aspect of this case is the fact that an administration official was actually interested in girls.


Editor's Note: Good Night Sweet Exterminator

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I saw the news today and oh, boy. I didn't believe it. I immediately checked the date of the article I was reading to make sure it wasn't an April Fools article. Actually, I'm not even sure Time does those.

It is expected that Tom DeLay will announce his retirement from the theater of politics this morning. Fortunately, DeLay is resigning for all the right reasons. Always the humanitarian, he wants to spare his constituents from seeing the horrible things Democrats would say about him in the upcoming election. So rather than make his election about his corruption, he has chosen to let another Republican champion their ideals.

Many of you might ask why I call Tom DeLay a humanitarian. Well, he may have never saved a child's life in Africa, but when my yacht became infested with fleas, I didn't even have to ask. He sent over a couple of guys to deal with it, 10% off. Now some people might say that he just felt responsible for bringing a box of fleas on board and setting them free, but that is just the kind of anti-business liberalism that Tommy Boy was fighting against. And when you paid $50,000 to play a game of golf with him, Tom treated you like a human being.

Yes, Time Magazine, and as far as I can tell, every other outlet of the Liberal Press has been bragging about Uncle Tom's resignation. This is just typical of the shoddy reporting of the media. Just because a powerful connected member of the House has resigned, the news media swarms over it like locusts. I'm sure there is a school reopening in Iraq that they could be showing us.

If you're reading this, Tom, I thank you for all the service you have given us. And I hope you will enjoy your new life, as Washington's richest, most powerful Republican lobbyist.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000


Minutemen Resume Border Patrol

Monday, April 03, 2006

(SNN Three Points) After a year of sitting on their couches, watching Fox News and congratulating themselves, members of the Minutemen Civil Defense Corps have resumed their constant vigil of border protection.

The Minutemen have been extremely effective. With only 200 men, they have gotten themselves more press than a half million Latinos marching on Los Angeles.

The group says it plans similar exercises along the border in California, New Mexico and Texas. Also, to prove that they are not racist, they will patrol along the Canadian border where the will face the wiley and dangerous Quebecois.

It could be easy to see the Minutemen as a bunch of middle aged men who have never grown up, reliving their pre-adolescent fantasies of playing war with side arms, walkie-talkies and binoculars. However, the Minutemen probably have more games of "show me your and I'll show you mine" than typical pre-adolescents.

In case anyone might mistake the minutemen as anything other than a political maneuver, their sendoff was attended by Don Goldwater, a Republican candidate for Arizona governor. Goldwater had a message for Bush. "Build us that wall - now!" Goldwater said, referring to a measure that would add 700 miles of fences along the border. To show his commitment to the Minutemen, when they left for the border, Goldwater buggered off.

Building a wall along the Mexican border would do two things. Firstly, the Minutemen would have something to beat their heads against, both raising their activity level, and intelligence. Secondly, building the fence would provide work for hundreds of Mexican workers.


Roy's Thought of the Day: Licorisheen

Monday, April 03, 2006

Buy a large bag of the old style tough black licorice. Walk into your place of work and offer the licorice to all your coworkers. If a coworker takes some, run! They can and will kill you.


Robots to Become Citizens

Sunday, April 02, 2006

(SNN Seoul) The government of South Korea has commissioned scientists and business leaders to make robots full members of Society.

South Korea boasts one of the most connected societies in the world

South Korea already boasts one of the most connected societies in the world, with 72% of all homes being connected to the Internet as speeds Americans could only dream about. Now, they are pushing to get robot into every home.

If all goes well, early models could come out in 2007, with full saturation between 2015, and 2020. "My personal goal is to put a robot in every home by 2010," said Oh Sang Rok, manager of the ministry's intelligent service robot project.

These robots are planned to fulfill a number of functions: relay messages to parents, teach children English and sing and dance for them when they are bored, guide customers at post offices or patrol public areas, searching for intruders and transmitting images to monitoring centers, and maintain the border with North Korea. However, unlike the United States, they will not be allowed to vote.


OMFG Jesus Appears on White House Lawn: Bush is 'Doing a Heck of a Job'

Saturday, April 01, 2006

(SNN Washington) This morning at 8:00 AM Eastern Time, Jesus Christ appeared on the White House lawn. By 9:00 AM, a press conference had been called. Dressed in an Armani suit and an American flag tie and lapel pin, the Lord Jesus Christ, call me Josh, made several statements to "set my followers straight".

[The Iraq War] was my idea

As always, the most difficult questions came from White House Correspondent Helen Thomas, who asked Josh if he approved of the Iraq War. "It was my idea," answered the Son of God. "I told George that he could tell people that and it would be cool, but it made him a little nervous." Jesus then turned to Bush and said, "You're doing a heck of a job, W." Later, the President announced that Josh would be taking over as Secretary of Defense.

When the Messiah was asked why he chose the particular day to appear, he answered, "It was all written in the fifth book of Magdalene." While some attribute no deception due to the absence of that particular book, some point out that the presence of Pope Benedict XVI, who claimed to be "just passing through", as more than mere coincidence. Josh also pointed out that tomorrow was Easter, and that modern calendars were off by two weeks.

One of the main things people were interested in was who would get into heaven. Josh was quick and concise with his answer, "Southern Baptists, Evangelicals, and Catholics, because of a promise I made to Peter. No Fags." Catholic Churches around the world are bracing for what may be the largest worldwide mass ever, this Sunday. This is predicted to be a boon for Senator Rick Santorum who is behind 8 points in early polling and has been saying as much for years.

Many of the questions aimed at the King of Kings were softballs. When asked what his favorite dessert was, he answered, "mint, chocolate covered Oreos". When asked who his favorite actor what, he said, "Mel Gibson, of course." When asked what his favorite inventions of the 20th century were, he named the "Internets", Humvees, and the Atom Bomb.

Jesus has also given his plans for the immediate future. "Well, until Rumsfeld is transitioned out of Defense, I plan to buy a big mansion in Beverly Hills, work on building up my gun collection and marry Angelina Jolie, who is already pregnant with my child. Sorry Brad, my bad."

When asked what his strategy for Iraq was, SECDEF Josh said that the U.S. forces would be taking a more aggressive stance. "We're not over there to make friends. We have to get that oil." To a follow-up about animosity from future generations, Josh said, "What future generations?"

One reporter jokingly asked who would win the election in 2008. "Me of course," Jesus answered. "By then I will have had the experience of being Secretary of Defense, and I am the only candidate that can get you into heaven." When asked if this could be construed as buying votes, Jesus said, "Who cares, my law is the only law. George W. taught me that."

While some pundits say Jesus is a shoe-in for President in 2008, others say that it will still be difficult for a black man in a mixed marriage to become president.