NewsBlog 5000
The finger on the invisible hand

Tom Ridge Steps Down after Seeing Cheney’s Penis

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

The story came out a couple of weeks ago, and it was huge. Dick Cheney is hung like an army mule. Conspiracy theories abound at what Cheney keeps in his pants: the backup red button, a UFO, Tony Blair or a Russian Sub. After seeing the picture of the alleged tallywhacker, the general consensus on the Internet is that our Vice President is the new John Holmes. Now, before the month is even out, Tom Ridge is stepping down from his position in the Department of Homeland Security. While on the outside, these events would seem unrelated, it doesn’t take much to put two and two together.

Our Vice President is the new John Holmes.

Ridge, 59, is arguably one of the most important bureaucrats in government today. He runs a newly created Department of Homeland Security involved the integration of over 20 agencies and employs more than 180,000 career civil servants. Ridge probably feels that he should leave now, while he is the only Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security not to see an attack on US soil, a record he will probably hold for some time. While he’s best know for the 5 color terror alert system, his current rating is green. He’s green with the kind of envy that one can only get for a man who is only a heartbeat away from being the most powerful man on Earth and has a huge shlong. Ridge tried to play down the Vice dong by claiming that he needed more money, as he had to save more for his two children’s educations. This excuse is understandable, as Ridge only makes $175,000 a year.

Ridge only makes $175,000 a year.

The competition for the Secretary’s spot is fierce, with many contenders: White House domestic security adviser Frances Fragos , former New York City police commissioner Bernard Kerik, former U.S. Representative Asa Hutchinson, former Federal Emergency Management Agency Director Joe Albaugh, New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, California Congressman Christopher Cox, Dr. Ryan Maynard and Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Mike Leavitt. They will all compete in a single elimination tournament to be held December 10th at Cesar’s Palace, in Las Vegas, Nevada.

While Fran Fragos is expected to win, anything can happen in single elimination. Many people are taking the long odds on Ruddy Giuliani. Giuliani proved that anything was possible when he stated that President Bush had won the debates. But the question is will any of the candidates have what it takes to stare down Cheney’s one eyed monster.


Supreme Court Refuses to Come Out

Monday, November 29, 2004

The Supreme Court refused to hear a dispute over Massachusetts gay marriages today. The dispute was over a year old ruling by the Massachusetts Supreme Court, which saw no problem in displaying their rainbow pride. Not hearing the issue allows the court to allow the current ruling to stand without having to think about guys kissing.

heterosexual marriages will become invalidated

In the past year, over 3,000 same sex couples have wed in Massachusetts. State citizens who oppose gay marriage say that they are just looking for the protection from the tyranny of their own supreme court. Many worry that if homosexuals are allowed to keep marrying, heterosexual marriages will become invalidated. Some are afraid that they may have to become homosexuals to stay married. And, some even fear that heterosexuals may be rounded up and imprisoned by the out-of-control homosexual minority, as they have been in the past.

Despite this obvious discrimination against heterosexual couples, they will still have the right to fight this verdict by convincing the legislature to put constitutional amendment vote on the 2006 ballot. Things still look bleak for beleaguered heterosexuals. Of the 11 gay marriage amendment votes on the 2004 ballot, only 11 of them passed.

Bush is trying to win back the trust of the Heterosexual Community

But help has come, surprisingly, from the White House. George W. Bush, as seen on TV, has pledged to make a national anti-gay marriage amendment a major goal of his second term. In a time when the President is dealing with terrorism, a downwardly spiraling budget, a divided nation and the need to leave a positive legacy. It is heartwarming to think that a man would work so hard to protect these simple people from the thing that the fear the most: two men or two women falling in love and pledging themselves to each other, and having that pledge legally recognized. But some say that this is merely a political agenda for Bush. Could it be that Bush is merely trying to win back the trust of the Heterosexual Community?


Billboard Frightens Old People

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Liberals in Florida are scared. This should come as no surprise to anyone, as it was highly publicized during the election that all liberal Floridians are ancient and senile. Following in the footsteps of leaders such as Saddam Hussein and Kim Jung-Il, a billboard has gone up in Orlando, Florida. The billboard features a picture of George W. Bush, with the words, “George W. Bush Our Leader.” The billboard then states that it is “A political public service message brought to you by Clear Channel Outdoor." These have joined other Clear Channel billboards that have been causing a stir among liberals with slogans such as, “One Nation Under God: A reminder from Clear Channel Outdoors.” and “All dirty hippies must die, a message from your friends at Clear Channel Outdoors.”

how much damage could a company that controls a large amount of America’s media really do?

Clear channel always seems to be at the center on controversy, but is this just the cost of being number one? Clear channel owns, operates, programs or sells airtime on 1270 radio stations, owns more than 787,000 billboards and manages 39 US TV stations. While conspiracy theories about Clear Channel abound, how much damage could a company that controls a large amount of America’s media really do?

While some might be scared of the connotations of the message, it is unlikely that Clear Channel is trying to inspire any type Stalinesque worship of George W. Bush. It is more likely that George W. Bush has been asked to operate a part of the Clear Channel conglomerate. The reason for Clear Channel’s alliance with George W. Bush is not clear, especially considering that Clear Channel’s stock has taken hard hits since President Bush went into office, and the President is not known for his business savvy. It is also not clear whether GWB is now the leader of Clear Channel Communications, Clear Channel Outdoor, or merely the Orlando branch of Clear Channel Outdoor, as no one within Clear Channel seemed willing to claim responsibility. But whichever branch his is now affiliated with, his position is “Clear”.


Restaurant Terrorized by Unknown Cook’s Package

Friday, November 26, 2004

Recently, a bomb scare in East Central Indiana turned out to be what is called a Geocache. If you’ve never heard of Geocaching, then maybe you have heard of what police call a “suspicious package”. Geocaching is nationally coordinated planned placement and replacement of suspicious packages by unknown persons. All you need is an internet connection and a GPS receiver, and you can become part of this nefarious “hobby”.

Inside the restaurant, things were not going well

But let’s get back to Indiana. David Cook, 37, was trying to teach his kids and a couple of children he was babysitting this dangerous game. He used his GPS receiver to guide himself and the children to the Tin Lizzy Restaurant. He found the mysterious package he was looking for under a small replica train outside the restaurant. It is unknown exactly what Cook did with the nefarious booty, but if our research is correct, while the children played, he took out an item, replaced another item, wrote his name in the log book and put back the package.

Inside the restaurant, things were not going well. The owners, who had given permission for the cache to be placed, were away and someone had just seen a man with 4 children putting a mysterious package under their toy train. And if there is one thing people know in East Central Indiana it is that men don’t babysit. What they didn’t know is that they were not dealing with the typical East Central Indiana denizen, but a computer consultant from Indianapolis. Not realizing they made a mistake, the 10 restaurant employees tried to figure out whether to call the police. They decided to take a vote, and after the final vote was counted (7-6) the police were called.

it is not yet known whether charges will be brought against Cook

While Cook had already fled the scene, the police acted quickly in evacuating three local businesses. When Cook was found, he offered to go back and open the cache for police, but his offer was denied. Perhaps police were worried that Cook was attempting an elaborate suicide. Finally, after nothing had happened in 3 hours, the police shot the box with a .50 caliber sniper rifle to make sure that it wasn’t going to explode. It did not as it was full of toys. While Cook has been released from jail, it is not yet known whether charges will be brought against Cook. "We're going to interview Cook, tally the costs and then meet with the prosecutor," said Blackford County Sheriff Kevin Mahan.

But we have to ask ourselves, what other kinds on dangerous things can be placed in these caches. It is well known that Saddam Hussein had caches of all sorts all over Iraq. These caches contained AK47 rifles, ammunition, grenades, and weapons of mass destruction. Some of theses caches, such as the ones with the weapons of mass destruction were so well hidden that they might never be found. Some people even believe that Saddam sent Syria the geocaching coordinates of the WMD caches, each with a little riddle or clue on how to find them, much like they do on, to Syria.

there are terrorists working within the United States

But what if terrorist found their way into the United States? Could they put this geocaching infrastructure to work for them? We conducted our own experiment. First, we found 10 popular geocaches, defined as goecaches visited more than once a week. Secondly, in each geocache we placed a purse with $400 and 2 rolls of Necco Wafers. The $400 is the street price of an AK-47 rifle. The Necco wafers symbolized 2 magazines of ammunition. We then returned to them one week later, and found that over half of the money was gone, along with 1 roll of the wafers. We can only assume from this that there are terrorists working within the United States, they know about GeoCaching and they either have all the ammunition that they need, or they dislike Necco Wafers.

While as a reporter, I have a responsibility to remain objective, as a citizen I think it is time to put an end to this dangerous hobby. We need legislation against these dangerous activities for our protection as American citizens. In the words of Sheriff Mohan, “People have to understand that I've been to three FBI and CIA briefings in the last two weeks, getting briefed on terrorists and terrorism. They need to find another game.”

Adrian Chevelle, arts & leisure.


Editor’s Desk: Responsibility in Journalism

Thursday, November 25, 2004

“Please know that nothing is more important to us than people's trust in our ability and our commitment to report fairly and truthfully.”
--Dan Rather

Many have commented to me, both among my staff and my close friends, who most studies of our logs show, are our only readers. They comment to me, “Ryan, how can you have a news site that give such wildly inaccurate and badly written articles. Don’t you have any journalistic responsibility?”

Don’t you have any journalistic responsibility?

Throughout the history of journalism, one things has remained sacrosanct, the deadline. No matter how much you want to make a story right, it still have to be ready for the Monthly Magazine, the Morning Edition, or The Evening News. In this tradition, and when run correctly, Monthly Magazines tend to have more facts and less filler, Newspapers less so, and television less than that. And as Dan Rather showed us, even weekly television stories can be rushed to the press too quickly.

I was talking to a friend of mine who used to manage a pizza store. He did mostly delivery business. He explained to me the tiers of pizza. You can have high priced pizza with superior ingredients that takes a long time to cook. You can have a medium quality pizza that can cook relatively fast and be delivered faster at a lower price. Or you can have a cheap pizza that cooks very fast and sell yourself on your delivery speed. In this ilk, I think our readers could imagine us as a suspicious smelling microwave pizza with all the pepperoni on one side. We may not always to get your news done right, but it will be steaming hot when it gets to your door.

imagine us as a suspicious smelling microwave pizza

On a personal note, this week I would like to thank Google, Terry Owens and Nicollette Sheridan. Over the last week, the Monday Night Football story doubled page views on our site, the majority of those viewers were sent from Google. For one shining moment it looked like we may have had more readers than staff. It has given us hope for the future of this publication, and through some creative log analysis, it has given our investors hope as well.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Go Ask Alice

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


My girlfriend is a know it all, who is always telling people what to do. How can I help her get rid of this annoying habit?

Roy C

you are not allowed to contact me at work


It states clearly in the restraining order that you are not allowed to contact me at work.



I think my husband is having an affair. There seem to be too many signs to ignore. I was snooping through my husband’s cell phone and I noticed he has been calling a female co-worker at odd times of the day, even late at night. He sometimes works very late and comes home smelling of cigarettes and beer. Last week, I was in his office and I found a credit card receipt for a card that I did not know he had. It was for a motel near his office. What should I do?

Debbie H

business isn’t always conducted on the golf course


You have betrayed your husband’s trust. In any relationship, it is important to give someone their boundaries. I can’t count the number of times that a co-worker of the opposite sex called me late at night. We usually talk about a business meeting we have in a bar the next day, and whether we should get a cheap hotel room if the meeting goes beyond last call. Sometimes, it’s just good to get out of the office, and business isn’t always conducted on the golf course anymore. You should apologize for invading his privacy.



Madonna sandwich sells for $35,000 on eBay

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Millions of people pray for her guidance every year. Her image seemingly appears everywhere from Bosnia to Illinois. But her image is no longer confined to brickwork and window reflections, now there is a cheese sandwich. The sandwich in question bears the resemblance of Madonna, and a bite from the sandwich's creator, Diana Duyser, a work-at-home jewelry designer from Florida.

the plucky 24 year old from Detroit debuted at New York’s Danceteria

But although she is adored by millions, very little is known of the actual facts behind the Madonna. Madonna first appeared on stage in 1982, the plucky 24 year old from Detroit debuted at New York’s Danceteria. Since then, Madonna has racked up 29 top ten singles, and 11 number one hits. Her number one and two singles have spent a combined 40 weeks at the top of the charts. In the late eighties, she had 6 straight singles, beating the Beatles record for back to back chart toppers. She has had more videos played on MTV than any other artist, and had many film roles. The sale of the Madonna sandwich on eBay is only punctuated by the fact that a recent auction for a date with Trishelle of “The Real World” failed to meet its reserve.

"I would like all people to know that I do believe that this is the Virgin Mary, Mother of God," Ms Duyser said. But it should be noted though that the Catholic Church has not officially declared this sandwich a miracle. Also the whole incident is reminiscent of the sighting of the Madonna at Fatima. Investigated by and verified by the church, the figure at Fatima was later found to be Cindy Lauper.

More Information:
The Official Madonna Fan Club web site


Woman upset at interesting public access.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Long the standard for wholesome entertainment and the promotion of local events, local access cable in Akron, Ohio, has exploded. Avid cable television watcher, Debbie Valentine got caught in the blast. "What I saw was intercourse," the Debbie said. "This is beyond obscene. This had crossed into pornography."

This is beyond obscene. This had crossed into pornography.

One program, Rudy Robinson’s “Softballin”, which features local couples having sex, caught the attention of a local councilman. The councilman in question thought that the Saturday 12:30 AM timeslot was perfect for playing city council meetings. Robinson tried to compromise by splicing scenes from the council meeting into his show for awhile, but is supposedly not doing so anymore. We could get no comment by Mr. Robinson, who does not talk to the press. We can only guess that he has lost faith in the local government.

The introduction to another program “The 5 Dolla Half Hour” includes a picture of a vagina smoking a cigarette. But there is no surgeon general warning in the title sequence. This shows a blatant disregard for protecting innocent vaginas from the danger of tobacco. Although it must be admitted that, the Clinton administration pushed this particular cause back several years. Also, some people don’t think vaginas should be able to smoke at all. This, of course, goes against the principle of personal vaginal responsibility.

some people don’t think vaginas should be able to smoke at all

The President of AROC (Actively Reviving Ohio Communities) a non-existent but real sounding organization, Debbie claims to have received dozens of calls complaining about the public access stations. We could not find any records to substantiate whether these calls were actually made. Debbie also claims to be popular in the community, “I network with block-watches, so I know a lot of people." We could find no Akron residents who knew of Debbie’s or AROC’s existence.


IKEA Inspects Iranian Nuclear Capability

Monday, November 22, 2004

IKEA supervisors have been working hard in Iran, but still need a couple more days to have fully completed the inspection. Supervisors are receiving co-operation from Iran, and they hope to be able to make a favorable report on Thursday so that the UN Security Council need not be involved. "It appears that the suspension is in effect, but we are going to need a couple of days more before we can truly verify that all the facilities, and there are at least a dozen, have been suspended," said Mark Gwozdecky, and IKEA spokesperson. IKEA did confirm, however, that Iran had produced two tons of UF-6 gas that can be used to purify uranium.

they have been aggressively expanding over the last few years

When IKEA is done, all of Iran’s nuclear materials will be clearly marked on large, easy-to-read tags, making it easy for future inspectors to serve themselves, furthermore it will be arranged in realistic settings to provide fresh ideas and know how. Iran says its program is peaceful, but several large facilities that have been operating for over 20 years have caused suspicions. Now that these programs are being shut down, it is certain that IKEA will consider using the facilities to sell stylish yet functional furniture at affordable prices.

While IKEA already has stores in Israel, Kuwait, Saudi Arabia, and the United Arab Emirates, they have been aggressively expanding over the last few years. A recent opening of an IKEA store in Tempe, Arizona drew patrons from as far away as Yuma. "We're very pleased with the wonderful reception we got," said IKEA public affairs director, Joseph Roth. "And we expect to get customers from New Mexico, Utah, Colorado, Nevada and Mexico."

Editor’s Note: After further research, it was discovered that International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA), not IKEA that is supervising Iran’s inspections.


Religion Beat: Christmas Shopping for Evangelicals?

Sunday, November 21, 2004

This guest column is provided to us by Dale Carnast, Director of Religious Studies at Boston Harbor University.

Holiday shopping accounts for 25% of total retail sales

Why should I choose to do this article about evangelicals shopping for Christmas? There are estimates of between two million and one hundred million Evangelical Christians in America today. When you add to that the fact that Holiday shopping accounts for 25% of total retail sales, the dollars of Evangelicals may have a great deal of importance. The projections are not helpful. Deliotte Research is showing a 1% decline in projected holiday sales, while Forrester Research is predicting a 20% increase in online sales and a 4.5% increase in traditional retail.

The first thing that really creeps out Evangelicals is that Christmas in modern times has become not a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, but the worship of commercialism. They resent the fact that those who have accepted Jesus into their heart could be treated as nothing more than consumers. Another thing that makes them nervous is the veneration of Santa Claus. Not only do they worry that Santa takes worship away from Christ, but by putting a mythical person on a pedestal, they worry that people that might still be saved will begin to wonder about whether Christ is a mythical figure as well.

the Rapture may come before Christmas

While the most important thing to an Evangelical is spreading the good word, the most important thing hanging over the heads of Evangelicals is the Rapture. Knowing that the Rapture can come at any time, many are aware that the Rapture may come before Christmas. Some ask themselves; why go shopping today if the rapture is coming tomorrow. Some wonder if it is worth the expense of buying gifts given the probability that they will rise on up to heaven before Christmas comes. Some are worried that they are not faithful enough, thus negating the importance of the gesture of giving in Christ’s name. Perhaps the greatest worry is that the unfaithful will be the only ones left to open the gifts.


“Regardless of the outcome of this election”

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Seven words, words of protest, and words of revolution, these words were sent in an email Friday to supporters of John Kerry. The main purpose of the email was a petition drive supporting a bill to provide health insurance for children, but there are more important things to worry about here than sick children.

Could we handle Michael Dukakis running the War on Terror?

Not only did Kerry mildly suggest, in his smug, intellectual way, that the outcome of the election was not yet known. Kerry went on to say, “"once all the votes are counted -- and they will be counted”". Is this some type of thinly veiled jab at the Republican ability to count? Or is it something deeper? Kerry did not even say which election he was referring to. What is it going to be, JFK? Are you going to try to roll back Bush'’s first term as well, or are you going to sick your hounds on his father? Four years of a liberal like John Kerry would be bad enough at this critical juncture, but could we handle Michael Dukakis running the War on Terror?

It is even rumored that the Boston Tea Party happened in Massachusetts.

But what could John Kerry do at this point? Rumor indicates that he might be building some kind of makeshift militia of pro-abortion Catholics in his home state. Massachusetts is long known as a haven for revolutionaries. It is even rumored that the Boston Tea Party happened in Massachusetts.

So, Americans, you have your choice, take up with this dangerous madman hiding under the guise of helping sick children at:, or prove you'’re a real American and fight. It is our duty to Democracy to make sure that not every vote is counted.


Afghans working together for a brighter tomorrow

Friday, November 19, 2004

Under the Taliban, the peoples of Afghanistan were separated into many groups based on geographic, racial and religious lines. Since the overthrow of the Taliban, the people have found a something to bring them together in peace and harmony, the opium trade.

40% of Afghanistan’s GDP comes from selling Persian rugs on the Home Shopping Network

Yes, opium production has brought the people of Afghanistan together. Over 10% of the country now works in some capacity involving the production or trade of opium. In 2003, the opium trade brought in an unprecedented $2.8 billion. This means that the opium trade accounts for 60% of Afghanistan’s GDP, the other 40% of Afghanistan’s GDP comes from selling Persian rugs on the Home Shopping Network. Estimates of this year’s poppy crop put production up by 64%. The makes Afghanistan not the only worlds largest producer of opium, but means that it owns more than 87% of the whole world’s market.

trouble is coming to the simple poppy loving people of Afghanistan

But trouble is coming to the simple poppy loving people of Afghanistan. A UN report released on Thursday urged the US and Nato forces to fight drugs. The United States has pledged to shift $700 million dollars from the War on Terror to fight poppy production in Afghanistan, including an aggressive spraying program. Resistance has come from the Afghani government claiming concerns about health effects and reports that children had suffered diarrhea and skin rashes.

Antonio Maria Costa of the UN Office on Drugs and Crime quoted his favorite author Tom Clancy in saying, “"In Afghanistan, drugs are now a clear and present danger." Costa went on to say, “The opium economy in Afghanistan has to be dismantled with democracy, the rule of law and economic improvement.” But in this case, the people have spoken: 2.3 million of them want the smack.


Democrats whine, as Senate votes to open brave new frontiers of debt

Thursday, November 18, 2004

It seemed a natural thing to borrow some more money. The US government was paying the federal payroll though dipping into Civil Service retirement accounts. America is fighting a war and just coming out of a recession and there is no end in sight to the huge budget deficits that the Bush Administration needs to make America safe. But Senate Democrats, still stinging from their Nov. 2nd loss, just didn’t want to let this one go.

who doesn’t love that “Blank Check” movie

"I don't remember anyone during the elections making a promise to raise the federal debt to $8.1 trillion," Senator Kent Conrad (D- ND) said. "What we're doing here is just writing another blank check and saying to this administration, 'Go ahead, continue to run record budget deficits.' " But who doesn’t love that “Blank Check” movie with that cute kid from “Family Ties”?

Also, on the floor for the first time since campaigning is Sen. John Kerry (D-MA). Kerry seemed to want to remind the Senate just how boring he could be. "To pay our bills, America now goes cup in hand to nations like China, Korea, Taiwan and Caribbean banking centers," Mr. Kerry said. "Those issues didn't go away on Nov. 3, no matter what the results." And Kerry merely won the vote, as over 60 percent of the Republican senators fell asleep during Kerry’s oration. But the day was saved, by wily Orrin Hatch, who keeps a loaded pistol on his person at all times. Hatch fired 3 times into the air and once into Senator Richard C. Shelby (R-AL). Sen. Shelby’s condition has been upgraded to stable.

Sen. Miller went on to say that $8 trillion was not that much money

An impassioned cry for the raising of the debt came from Sen. Zell Miller (D-GA). Miller pointed out that the current national debt would only cost every man, woman and child one dollar a day, the price of a good cup of coffee, for the next 74 years. Sen. Miller went on to say that $8 trillion was not that much money in the grand scheme of things, and the he himself had recently taken out a 3 trillion dollar mortgage on his house, and thought he would have no trouble at all paying the $15 billion a month payments for the next 60 years. He did express some dissatisfaction about the additional $8 trillion he would have to pay in interest during that time. Despite Miller’s efforts, Congress voted down almost straight party lines. The Bill finally passed the Senate 52-to-44.


Manmohan Singh willing to hold unconditional talks with anyone

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

During his first visit to Kashmir since his election in May, Indian Prime Minister, Monmohan Sigh, has said that his is willing to hold unconditional talks with "anyone and everyone" willing to work for peace in the Kashmir region. While some separatists have been willing to talk with Singh, one of the main separatist organizations refused Mr. Singh’s talks. This underscores a central feature of Singh’s commitment of India, the ability to have unconditional talk anywhere, anytime and for any reason.

Singh calls the State Department daily and asks what Sec. Powell will be wearing

Singh made this announcement during a talk with the first convocation of the Sher-e-Kashmir University. On, his visit to Kashmir, he has also been seen talking to the common people, old women, street vendors and on one occasion, a lost dog, whom was given directions on how to get back to the highway.

The U.S. State Department has also been affected by Singh’s style of rule. Singh calls the State Department daily and asks what Sec. Powell will be wearing, and enquiring if the Secretary has time for a quick chat. It is unclear if Rice will receive the same treatment.

He has also plead to Pakistan’s President Pervez Musharraf last month to work together for sustainable peace. "Our government is committed to purposeful dialogue," he said.



Wednesday, November 17, 2004

NewsBlog 5000 has been online for a full week. And many important things have happened, NASA has traveled at Mach 10, the MPAA has started suing people for sharing movies on the internet, Iraqi insurgents were battled in Fallujah and Iran has made a deal with the EU to stop refining Uranium. We have run many stories, although, none on those important issues mentioned above.

we will bring you more articles of equal or lesser value

We did run other important stories: our President replaced by a mutant that craves human blood, fisting virgins, how to get stoned in Canada, Arafat’s chair, Rice’s boxing and Jerry Falwell’s mysterious prong fixation. We can proudly say that if you liked these articles, we will bring you more articles of equal or lesser value.

Technologically, the site is doing well. Our first plan involved building a multimillion dollar data center rather than hosting our site with Blogger, but as only 2 people have visited our site in the last week, it now seems like the right decision. Our story submission system seems to be working well, and articles are getting out in a timely manner. We hope to have to problems in our proofreading software take cur of tartly.

On a personal note, I would like to thank Alice Humbees and Adrian Chevelle where were unvaluable in their contributions. And I would like to assure them that someday we will have more visitors than we have staff. Oh, and in case you are wondering, we are still waiting on information on Eric Engberg.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000


Building a Better Bush

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Something happened between the 2000 and the 2004 elections. Moderate Governor George W. Bush of Texas was replaced with an arch-conservative who seemed similar in appearance only. Though we are too late for the election, we at NewsBlog 5000 have been working diligently on this story, and we think we can come up with an answer.

Rove had a mysterious dream in early 2001

The answer is simple, Karl Rove happened. There are rumors that this evil mastermind, Rove, had a mysterious dream in early 2001. After that dream, Rove put together the nefarious Cabal of Bush Rebuilding Agents, or CoBRA. There are reports of Rove and CoBRA visiting tombs all over the world: Napoleon, Vlad the Impaler, Sun Zu, Ghangis Khan, Montezuma, Alexander the Great, Ivan the Terrible. But why did he visit all these tombs? When you think of what all these men have in common that could help Bush’s reelection? The answer is now quite clear: their DNA. If we are correct, Rove took this DNA, along with the DNA of 80s wrestler Sgt. Slaughter, and genetically enhanced Bush.

We must ask ourselves, has Rove gone too far? Can even Rove, the CoBRA commander, control this new super president?


Man uses word “antediluvians” in internet argument, sets new syllable record

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

ABC apologized Tuesday for a racy sketch played at the beginning of Monday Night Football. The skit featured Nicollette Sheridan, first wearing only a towel and then naked from the back, confronting Terrell Owens. While the resulting letter campaign, FCC investigation, apology and internet flame wars that followed came as no surprise, what did come as a surprise was the results of one of those internet flame wars.

Dell spokesmen were not immediately available for comment

Yes, a man who calls himself “RoysBigBoy” used the word “antediluvians“ in describing the attitude of what he called the expressedly creepy moral majority. This represents a milestone in the evolution of the internet argument, where most arguments rarely rate above a 3 syllable word. An earlier contender “SirScrewsAlot” did try to claim the record, but it was decided that “out-of-your-freaking-minds” could not be considered a word despite the contextual usage.

It is important to point out that “antediluvians” was apparently spelled wrong, unless by saying “antidelluvians” the author was making a commentary about the Dell computer company. Dell spokesmen were not immediately available for comment, and we gave up after being on hold for over an hour.


Throwing in the Powell

Monday, November 15, 2004

Coalition of the Quitting

Spencer Abraham, Energy
John Ashcroft, Attorney General
Don Evans, Commerce
Rod Paige, Education
Colin Powell, Secretary of State
Ann Veneman, Agriculture

The first African American man to serve as US Secretary of State, Colin Powell, resigned today. Powell said, at a press conference, “I will always treasure the four years I spent working with President Bush”. He did not specify which President Bush he was talking about.

Powell'’s leadership of the State Department has been a questionable one. Not a favorite of President Bush, Powell was seen as loose cannon. By staying cool when the going got tough, trying to involve the UN in foreign policy decisions and using the occasional big word, Powell showed the Bush Administration that he was not a man who could be trusted. It was also widely known that Bush did not meet face to face with Powell very often, or answer his phone calls, and he doesn’t read reports, and he doesn’t know how to check his email. This basically means that Bush’s only access to Powell was the cabinet meetings which he holds every year or so. While Bush didn’t ask Powell to resign, there have been some very pointed looks going across the table at those cabinet meetings.

Powell did stop an impending war between India and Pakistan, this has been expected of every Secretary of State

During his press conference, Powell told reporters, "I think we've accomplished a great deal." It could be argued that being appointed as the first African American Secretary of State was a great accomplishment in itself, which is good, as it is the only thing likely to get Powell mentioned in the history books. While it is noted that Powell did stop an impending war between India and Pakistan, this has been expected of every Secretary of State after those duties were taken over from the British.

It is currently unknown who will be the next Secretary of State. The most likely contenders for the position are National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice and U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. John Danforth. They will compete for the position in a bare knuckles boxing match to be held December 12th at Madison Square Garden. Odds favor Rice almost 2 to 1.

Upon learning that he would have to fight Dr. C Rice, John Danforth has fled the country. Rice wins by forfeit. Rice is the new Secretary! Rice is the new Secretary!


Review: Shrek 2 is a haven for sex, murder, alcoholism, drug use and homosexuality

Sunday, November 14, 2004

For a family film, Shrek 2 seems poorly lacking in family values. The movie starts out with a recently married Shrek and Fiona trying to find time alone to fornicate. While this may seem like normal behavior for a married couple, there in no mention of having children. This suggests that Shrek and Fiona do no understand that a marriage is blessed for the purpose of having children, not for having fun. To further complicate matters, every time they try to fornicate for non-procreative reasons, the sinister, bestial donkey is there to watch.

Fiona decides that Shrek is a pedophile

Shek finds he is unable to fornicate in the swamp, though whether it is because he is ashamed of his carnal needs or just unable to fornicate while being watched by the perverted donkey is not fully explored. Fiona decides that Shrek is a pedophile, and he may be able to perform if they went to her parent’s house to soil her childhood room.

Fiona’s parents are understandably shocked that their daughter has not only married this pervert, but has also been transformed into one herself. But as with keeping with today’s lack of standards in family films, her father is despicable as well. While at first it seems that he has entered into a simple arranged marriage with the fairy godmother, it turns out that the fairy godmother is a cruel and twisted pervert as well. As well as owning a “potion factory” that is a thinly veiled imitation of a modern day sex shop, with its lustful potions, it is inferred that she makes her employees fornicate with her. The fairy godmother and father then conspire to break up Shrek’s marriage.

As if the fornication is not enough, there is also rampant alcoholism throughout the movie. Champagne is used as a symbol of celebration and success and if you drink enough of the fairy godmother’s potions, you think that you become smarter and more handsome. Also, one of the main characters, Puss-in-Boots, seems to live in a drinking establishment.

Puss-in-Boots is overtly homosexual

Puss-in-Boots, the most despicable of all the characters, is voiced by Antonio Banderas, an actor who has stared in many a violent and sex laden film, Puss enters the movie as an assassin, hired by Shrek’s twisted father-in-law. The character is even arrested for possession of drugs during the movie, and the film goes as far as to portray the arrest as politically motivated. Furthermore, Puss-in-Boots is overtly homosexual. The pub he frequents is owned by a transvestite, he wears flamboyant clothing, speaks with a foreign accent, and is often seen cuddling up to the perverts Shrek and Donkey and purring.

It is no wonder why the Motion Picture Association of America denied this film a family friendly G rating. With scenes including Shrek making out with another woman (who Fiona then attempts to murder), male cuddling, and the apologetic treatment of drug abuse, it is a wonder why the film was not considered for an R or NC17 rating.

Adrian Chevelle, arts & leisure.


FDA pulls activist doctor from panel

Saturday, November 13, 2004

On Thursday, fearing a safety risk to the general public, the FDA acted quickly and decisively to pull Dr. Curt Furberg off an FDA panel. The panel plans to study the damaging effects of drugs in the COX-2 family, such Vioxx. Furberg suspected something was up when received a phone call asking if he had made hotel reservations yet and if his plane tickets were refundable. To him, the reason was clear. The FDA just didn’t want him anymore.

the FDA had seemed thrilled to have a serious relationship with a doctor

At first, the FDA had seemed thrilled to have a serious relationship with a doctor. Why this sudden cold shoulder? Curt Furberg was pretty sure he knew the reason why, “The reason was that I had expressed my views publicly.” Furberg has left several messages on the FDA’s answering machine, and while he knows they are there listening, they refuse to pick up the phone or call back.

Despite their reluctance to answer his calls, a Deputy Director of the FDA stated it was "very very common" to end an FDA relationship this way, especially if a conflict of interest was suspected. He went on to say that it was the FDA's fault, not Ferburg’s. It was just that the FDA has found, in the past, they sometimes have different goals than their experts. This puts the expert in an uncomfortable place and the strain on the relationship eventually causes the Agency and expert drift apart.

The FDA has been hurt before

And there may truly be a case for conflict of interest, because Dr. Furberg, this “Expert” not only knows something about this class of drugs, but has actually done a study on one of them to prove exactly what the FDA is looking into. "Basically, we showed that Bextra is no different than Vioxx, and Pfizer is trying to suppress that information,” commented Dr. Furberg. Furberg added that he didn’t mean to put any pressure on the FDA, and that any intercourse he expected in the panel, was purely intellectual.

But, could the FDA’s cold shoulder to Ferburg be more sinister than a simple drifting apart? Could it mean that they are actually in bed with someone else? Pfizer definitely seems displeased with Dr. Ferburg’s latest study. Pfizer stopped short of calling Dr. Ferburg’s work total crap, but dismissed the Bextra study as "unsubstantiated conclusions." While it seems like Pfizer wants nothing more that the FDAs approval, we can only hope that the FDA is going into this relationship with their eyes open. The FDA has been hurt before, and if this one ends badly, the FDA may be dealing with trust issues for years.


Ashcroft warns judges against interpreting law

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Like a man who says, “And another thing” ten hours after loosing an argument, Departing Secretary of Justice John Ashcroft spoke his mind about what he believes should be the role of federal judges.

it is unclear who Ashcroft considers qualified to interpret the constitution

While speaking at the Federalist Society's national convention on Friday, Ashcroft claimed that "a profoundly disturbing trend" had started amongst federal judges to interfere or “judge” the actions of the President during a time of war. It is not known whether Ashcroft was referring to the War on Terror or the War on Drugs, neither of which have been brought to a decisive end. One thing that can be certain is that he was not speaking about the war with Iraq, in which President Bush, upon receiving confidential communications intelligence from Publishers Clearinghouse, has declared himself already a winner.

While it is unclear who Ashcroft considers qualified to interpret the constitution, one thing is clear: One of these people is John Ashcroft. Ashcroft believes that with their reckless and offhanded treatment of the constitution, judges have weakened the efforts of the War on Terror. Wearing his red robes of office, he went on to accuse federal judges of heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action.

Most judges work almost exclusively in interpreting and applying the law.

Ashcroft stated, "Courts are not equipped to execute the law.” He then added, “They are not accountable to the people.” This will come as a blow to many judges who have studied for many years so that they might specialize in legal work. Most judges work almost exclusively in interpreting and applying the law. Without the laws to interpret, many judges’ duties will be confined to choosing baked goods at state fairs, determining “best babies” and overseeing beauty competitions.

Surprising, a dissenting opinion came from the American Civil Liberties Union, a longtime ally of Ashcroft in securing the rights of Americans. In a statement, Anthony D. Romero, ACLU Director, said “Today's comments reflect a disturbing view of the role of the courts and of Congress in providing checks and balances to the president's powers”, thus earning him a permanent position on Ashcroft’s “Un-American” list.


Ford Motor Company denies Aquacar Project

Friday, November 12, 2004

For years, gasoline consumers have been questing for the Holy Grail of Automobiles, a car that would run on water. While automakers say this is out of reach, many concerned citizens are worried that these gigantic corporations may be suppressing technology for their own interests.

the electric power industry can now produce their own fuel on demand and on site

One who is questing for that grail is Jay “Czech” Powert. Czech claims that “Using a high tech substance called ‘water’, the electric power industry can now produce their own fuel on demand and on site. The automobile industry has known about this for years. I literally have thousands of pages of evidence that a Ford project codenamed “Aquamobile” is building a car that runs on water in a secret facility deep under Detroit.” When asked to produce the evidence, Czech apologized, but claimed that the thousands of pages of evidence had been stored in his garage, and were infested with silverfish.

Despite Czech Powert’s overwhelming amount of evidence, Ford seems skeptical. A spokesman for Ford Motor Company who would only identify herself as Yenna, had this to say, “The Aquamobile is not a product that Ford Motor Company is currently working on.”

Well, Yenna, you may be very soon hearing something different from Jay “Czech” Powert. King Arthur searched his entire life for his grail. Czeck just has to find a good exterminator.


Americans react to Arafat’s death with confusion, chair still missing

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Up until he reportedly went into a coma on Nov. 4th, Yasser Arafat was pretty much off the map for most Americans. Yes, they were aware of this plucky 75 years young resistance fighter in the larger context of the region they call the Middle East, but many details were lost, such as what side Arafat was fighting for. Part time nude model and football player Eddy Speeler was one of those confused. “Well, he had that sort of funky headband thing, you know,” Eddy commented. “So, I kinda figured he wasn’t with the Israelis. On the other hand, the Middle East is hot, so it’s probably good to keep your head covered and drink lots of liquids.”

the Middle East is hot, so it’s probably good to keep your head covered

Most people were even sure what to call Arafat. He was born born Muhammad Abd al-Rahman ar-Rauf al-Qudwah al-Husayni and was also known as Abu Ammar. When you add in “Yasser Arafat” that’s ten names.

To add to this confusion, accurate information about Arafat’s condition seemed impossible to find. In a survey of major news services, 16% proclaimed that Arafat was awake, 37% maintained he was in a coma, 24% claimed he was in a deep coma, 13% thought he was dead, 2% were sure he was dead, 7% were undecided and 1% fell into the “other” category. The big loser here was of course the Paris Business Review which listed Arafat as “on vacation”.

the Paris Business Review listed Arafat as “on vacation”

Not everyone was so confused. “I don’t know why everyone makes such a big deal about this guy. This is the man that single handedly invented the suicide bomber*,” instantly replied Wittle Macomb, service attendant and avid collector. While many Americans consider Arafat a terrorist, he has actually been awarded the Nobel Peace prize. Wittle, however, did not consider this a great achievement, “So did Gorbachev and Gorbachev was a slimy Cat Stevens loving commie.”

With the Middle East Roadmap for Peace being a Road to Nowhere, eyes turn to who will be Arafat’s successor while the funeral plans are still being made. Farouk Kaddoumi, who currently leads the Palestinian nationalist Fatah movement, seems ready to duke it out with Mahmoud Abbas, Arafat’s successor of the PLO. While both men claim to want peace, Kaddoumi claims that Abbas moved Arafat’s good chair to his office on the day that the coma was announced, and Abbas refuses to respond to allegations until Kaddoumi returns Arafat’s silver letter opener and an autographed picture of Madonna, both of which Arafat kept in his upper left hand desk drawer. It is feared that this new rift in the Palestinian leadership will eventually come to blows in the parking lot. Meanwhile, the tension builds as Israeli officials have announced that unless Arafat’s office is returned to the same condition as when he left for the hospital, military options would be considered.

*Editors Note: Although Mr. Macomb seemed very sure of this remark, the earliest recorded suicide bombing was performed in the Crusades by the Knights Templar.


Go Ask Alice

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


My husband is addicted to Everquest. He spends 7 to 18 hours a day playing it. While I’m trying to be considerate, this game is taking over his life and making me miserable.

M Albright


Video Game addiction is becoming more and more rampant in our society.

Video Game addiction is becoming more and more rampant in our society. If your husband cares about you at all, he should want to spend time with you. Sit him down and explain to him that you want your husband back. Tell him you want him to stop playing the game. Do not take no for an answer. Even if you have to threaten to leave him, it is for his own good.

Make sure that he not only cancels his account, but that he gives away all his equipment to a character named ShavedKitten23. No matter how much he resists, make it clear that your marriage is at stake, especially if he has a Platinum Ruby Veil.



Do you want see how hot virgins making fisting sex?

Fistin Virgin

seek counseling


While I was quite surprised to find your email in my inbox, I am not interested. Maybe you should seek counseling about this desire to involve strangers in your extreme sexual practices.



Jerry Falwell takes 3 prongs.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Tuesday, the Rev. Jerry Falwell announced a new national coalition designed to maintain the momentum gained through the “values” that were able to put President Bush back into office. The central vision of The Faith and Values Coalition (TFVC) is to “utilize the momentum of the November 2 elections to maintain an evangelical revolution of voters who will continue to go to the polls to 'vote Christian.’”

Jimmy Carter was known to openly worship the goat god “Pan”

The election of a Christian President is considered a coup by many who were worried about the loss of Christian values. Former President Jimmy Carter was known to openly worship the goat god “Pan”. President Ronald Reagan was an actor. And another of the enemies of Christianity, Bill Clinton, who, despite his love of pork, many still consider a Jew, even went as far as to have an affair with a girl who, although being of legal age, was much younger than him, and then lied about it. To those that followed this dreadful story, one thing is clear: No Christian politician would lie, especially about sex.

Falwell’s new coalition is pronged in three ways: (1) the confirmation of pro-life, strict constructionist U.S. Supreme Court justices and other federal judges (2) the passage of a constitutional Federal Marriage Amendment; and (3) the election of another socially- fiscally- and politically-conservative president in 2008, along with other state and national candidates.

Jesus did not publicly weigh in on the election.

Falwell further cautioned about letting the elected representatives of American people “alter the moral foundations of America." Falwell said that he “shed tears of joy” as he saw President Bush reelected. On a personal note, this reporter was weeping as well.

In his speech, Falwell also thanked "Christian giants" for making his movement possible. Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, Dr. Donald Wildmon of the American Family Association, Dr. D. James Kennedy of Coral Ridge Ministries, and Dr. John Hagee of Cornerstone Church in San Antonio were all mentioned. Surprisingly, left out of the mix was Jesus, perhaps the most predominate figure in Christianity after Dr Falwell himself. Although many claimed to have talked to him privately and while being quite vocal on politics in the past, Jesus did not publicly weigh in on the election.


Many who said they were going to Canada, actually go for coffee.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

While many Americans claimed they were contemplating a move to Canada if President George W. Bush won the election, most have just moped around only slightly improving their conditions with the occasional caffeine buzz.

I hear it's easier to get stoned there

Expecting a steep dropoff in business, many internet cafes blocked access to websites featuring information on Canadian emigration. New studies are showing coffee house patronage and consumption is up almost twenty percent after November 3rd, a number that gives cautious optimism to coffee shop owners. "After the election, we were afraid of a slow dropoff of business," said Victor Ramirez. "Instead business has never been better. I haven't seen this many depressed people in the shop since last Christmas Eve."

"It's really cold up there", sighed Timothy Stevens, head shop worker and part time sandwich manufacturer. "I was to Minnesota once, and there was a lot of snow. And you know, Canada's actually North of there, I think. I hear it's easier to get stoned there but that a lot of [fudge]ing snow, man."

Some of those Canucks can be real dicks

Other Americans have also taken up the flag of staying in America. Many claim that they don't want to move to Canada just to have to pay for American's drugs. Many are afraid that would accidentally end up in a French speaking region. Some are worried that they are suffering from a "Grass is Greener" mentality, people like Alan Barnes, a house painter from Skylark, MI. "I thought they were kind of nice in that movie "Canadian Bacon", but living in Northern Michigan, you meet an occasional Canuck. Some of those Canucks can be real dicks," Barnes commented.

So after careful consideration, Timothy Stevens is staying in America, and choosing the way of life he has always known. "Screw this [crap], man," Timothy finally decided. "It's time to get stoned." Deep down though, Timothy wonders if he can stay stoned for the next four years. When asked about it, he seems hopeful. "The weight of history is on my side. I think I can make it."


Yusuf Islam (Cat Stevens) unfairly wins peace prize.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Earlier today in Rome, Yusuf Islam, was awarded a peace prize. The "Man for Peace" prize was given by former Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev. Yusuf was formerly known as a singer named Cat Stevens. And it is rumored that in 1990 Yusuf assassinated writer Salmon Rushdie. While Yusuf claims that there was no assassination, we tried to contact Salmon Rushdie for comment, but were unable to reach him.

in 1990 Yusuf assassinated writer Salmon Rushdie.

"Perhaps it's part of the irony that sometimes you have to go through a test in order to achieve a prize," Yusuf said to reporters. "So maybe that's a symbol. Today I'm receiving a prize for peace, which is actually, I would say, a bit more descriptive of my ideas and my aims in life."

But is dedicating ones life to peace an appropriate way to win a peace prize? What does this say to your everyday Joe, just trying to get by, who only has every other Thursday, or maybe just once a month to dedicate to peace? By giving peace prizes to those who dedicate their life to peace, we are being exclusionary and raising the bar too high for you casual peace lovers. Hopefully, the next time you award and Italian peace prize you’ll think twice.


Editorial: People still find it hip, cool and trendy to be anti-government.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Despite the fact that he is now an elected President, people still continue to criticize President Bush. Maybe they weren’t there on Election Day, but I was there as a very slim majority of 56 percent of the people elected our President. In Bush’s mind, this has created what he is calling a mandate from the people.

a very slim majority of 56 percent of the people elected our President

It’s time for people to embrace our President. The Bush Administration is hated by the world in general, and that’s not all it has going for it. The administration that has driven up the National Debt in an attempt to stimulate the economy and has predicted the way in which we are hemorrhaging money from the gut wound that they have caused will be cut in half by 2008. Sure, they started a war, but thanks to our educational system, the war is in a place most people can’t find on a map anyway. The impending draft will be the perfect thing to teach a new generation the importance of public service. They are even considering opening up the border to create a new class of sub-citizens.

The tide is obviously turning. John Ashcroft, the old white guy who supported the Patriot Act, the denial of POW status to Guantanamo Bay detainees, and claimed the right to waive the anti-torture law and international treaties providing protections to prisoners of war has been replaced by Alberto Gonzales.

we do not have information on the quality of Gonzales’s singing voice

Gonzales, is a 49 year old Latino who supports the Patriot Act, the denial of POW status to Guantanamo Bay detainees, and claims the right to waive the anti-torture law and international treaties providing protections to prisoners of war. Anyone who doesn’t like Gonzales is obviously a racist. While we do not have information on the quality of Gonzales’s singing voice, things are definitely moving in the right direction now.

Bush has opened up his arms and stated that his is willing to be the President for anyone who “shares his goals”. The time is now to forget about your beliefs and values. No need to be coy Roy, just jump on the Bush bus, and set yourself free.

Alice Humbees, Opinions


Hello From the NewsBlog 5000 staff

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

A new day is dawning on the way that we get news. Not only in America, but from around the world, people looked to bloggers to get the most current and accurate information on election night 2004.Although, many blogs disagreed on many details, one thing was clear: More than one man ran for president, they mostly wore suits, Michael Moore had an opinion about it, one of those men won, and the gay culture should be confined to Showtime after dark.

Michael Moore had an opinion about it

The fact is that we are seeing a revival in America. And with the Evangelical Christians leading the country, we can once again hope for a revolution of the written word. Because they believe television, like most things, is very, very, very evil.

We have no information on who Eric Engberg is going steady with

The CBS news correspondent Eric Engberg said recently about blogs, “This is the kind of stuff we used to run in my aforementioned school paper, when the speculation surrounded who was going steady. The difference is that the bloggers aspire to being a force in our public life and claim to be at the forefront of a new political-media era." In this spirit, we offer you NewsBlog 5000, the news source of the future.

We have no information on who Eric Engberg is going steady with, but we hope to do a follow-up shortly.

Dr Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000