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China has No Intellectual Respect for US

Saturday, April 30, 2005

(SNN Washington) Along with 13 other countries, the US has put China on a blacklist of “rampant” copyright abusers. The report also "concludes that infringement levels remain unacceptably high throughout China, in spite of Beijing's efforts to reduce them."

The US has put China on a blacklist of “rampant” copyright abusers.

Despite a harsh year of partisan bickering, Congress has shown how amazingly fast it can come together for the benefit of the movie industry. Democrats and Republicans have demanded that the administration file suit before the WTO as the only way to demonstrate to China that the United States is serious about these issues. A case against China with the WTO could cause extreme economic sanctions to be put in place.

Representative Benjamin L. Cardin of Maryland, who is the ranking Democrat on the House Ways and Means trade subcommittee, said in an interview that he was disappointed in the administration's decision. "Putting China on a watch list means nothing," Mr. Cardin said. "The administration has to understand that Congress is serious and wants action on China."

Putting China on a watch list means nothing.

Economic Sanctions toward China would be crippling. Chinese exports account for more than seventy percent of goods sold in Wal-Mart stores alone. If that supply line were cut off, many lower income US families would go broke. Due to a domino effect of bankruptcy and rising prices the overall damage to the economy would be incalculable.

The United States Chamber of Commerce says that if the Chinese were made to pay full price for their DVDs, American industry could recoup more than $200 billion a year. That’s $100 per man woman and child in China, or about $300 for a family of 3. With rural Chinese having an annual net income of $353.70, that’s a commitment to staying entertained.


Schwarzenegger Hates Foreigners

Saturday, April 30, 2005

Just a week after Governor Schwarzenegger was forced to apologize for his statements about closing the border with Mexico, he has again found himself in hot water. Schwarzenegger lauded the Minutemen, amateur border patrollers, in off-the-cuff remarks to a Southern California radio station.

"What I'm encouraging is to simply ask the federal government to do their job," Schwarzenegger said. "Their job is to secure the borders, and they have not done their job. And when the government, the state or the country, doesn't do its job, then the private citizens go out and it's like a neighborhood patrol. It's like they then step in and they try to help."

John McCain, R-Ariz., and Edward Kennedy, D-Mass., plan to introduce immigration legislation soon that is expected to mix tough enforcement with some sort of worker program. This would allow the United States to have a whole new class below the lower class, a “caste” of “untouchables”. The proposal is unlikely to be taken seriously, because one of the sponsors is much too liberal for the Senate and the other is a Kennedy.

The governor is ready to take responsibility for any deaths

Tensions are running high in racially divided “Southern” California. "I hope the governor is ready to take responsibility for any deaths or other misdeeds that may result from increasing tensions along the border,” commented Assemblyman Hector De La Torre.

While the Minutemen plan to come to California, many of them do not consider California a state at all, and have publicly spoken out against its “totalitarian” state government. It is yet unclear whether they will be protecting the Californian border from Mexican incursion or the United States border from Californian incursion.


Rumsfeld Desires Penetration

Friday, April 29, 2005

U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said Thursday that it makes “all the sense in the world” to study building a nuclear weapon that could penetrate deeply into buried targets.

We can't go in there and get at things in solid rock underground.

Rumsfeld believes that it is a national security risk not to be able to blow up things that are underground. "We can't go in there and get at things in solid rock underground," Rumsfeld said. "The only thing we have is very large, very dirty nuclear weapons. So the choice is: do we want to have nothing and only a large, dirty nuclear weapon, or would we rather have something in between.”

Some people fear that safe, clean nuclear weapons are dangerous.

Arms control advocates have attacked the plans as a step towards developing a weapon that would lower the threshold for the nuclear weapon use. Some people fear that safe, clean nuclear weapons are dangerous. Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman has admitted that no missile could penetrate the earth deeply enough to trap all the fallout from a nuclear explosion.

Rumsfeld claimed that these new weapons are necessary as 70 countries now have programs capable of clearing underground chambers big enough for a basketball court from the rock in a single day. It is not yet known why these countries wish to play basketball underground.


Alabama Bill Targets Gay Books

Friday, April 29, 2005

(SNN Montgomery) A new bill recently came up for vote in the Alabama legislature. Sponsored by Republican Representative Gerald Allen, the bill would bar agencies that receive public funds, such as schools and libraries) from purchasing books with gay characters and gay authors.

It's not healthy for America
-Gerald Allen

Because of his belief that Alabama is under assault from homosexuals, Allen would ban the works of Tennessee Williams, Truman Capote and Lynne Cheney. "Half the books in the library could be banned," observed Juanita Owes, director of Montgomery's library system. "It's all based on how one interprets the material."

Allen says he sees this as a line in the sand. "It's not healthy for America, it doesn't fit what we stand for," says Allen. "I don't look at it as censorship. I look at it as protecting the hearts and souls and minds of our children." The language in Allen's bill is so broad as to ensure many disputes over whether a particular work could be said to "recognize" or "foster" or "sanction" homosexuality. Allen also wants to pull existing books of library shelves and bury them, which is somehow much better than burning them.

The Homosexual Agenda has been trying to recruit Allen for a number of years.

Rep. Allen has good reason to want to ban these books. The Homosexual Agenda has been trying to recruit him for a number of years. In book after book, Allen reads recruitment material for the homosexual agenda, and he's alarmed. “They want me to be gay,” says Allen. "They’ve always wanted me to be gay. And they will do whatever it takes to reach their goal."

Allen originally wanted to ban even some Shakespeare. After criticism, he narrowed his bill to exempt the classics, although he still can't define what a classic is. But at least, he was willing to accept that Shakespeare’s “Merchant of Venice” and “Gay Boys in Bondage” could stay on the shelves.

When the time for the vote in the legislature came there were not enough state legislators present for the vote. Many had slipped out, fearing that they would have to discuss homosexuality. The measure died automatically.


DeLay Sucking on 8 Incher

Thursday, April 28, 2005

(SNN)Tom DeLay has found himself in the news again. This time Time Magazine has shown incontrovertible photographic evidence that Majority Leader Tom DeLay smokes Cuban Cigars. Compared to DeLay’s other scandals this new stain seems highly insignificant.

DeLay has long been a critic of Castro’s reign in Cuba.

DeLay has long been a critic of Castro’s reign in Cuba. Last year, DeLay cautioned against letting Americans buy the cigars, saying that Fidel Castro "will take the money. Every dime that finds its way into Cuba first finds its way into Fidel Castro's blood-thirsty hands.... American consumers will get their fine cigars and their cheap sugar, but at the cost of our national honor." It can only be assumed that when he said “American Consumers” DeLay was not including Cuban citizens.

What’s even more damning is that smoking the cigar was totally legal. The picture of DeLay with the Hoyo de Monterrey Double Corona was taken before the September rule change about the importing of Cuban goods to included the consumption of tobacco in other countries.

Bill Clinton smokes Cuban cigars, as was well documented during the Monica Lewinsky affair.

It could even be pointed out that Bill Clinton smokes Cuban cigars, as was well documented during the Monica Lewinsky affair. Cigar Aficionado reports a local Washington, D.C. tobacconist says that President Clinton's favorite smoke is a Hoyo de Monterrey Excalibur No. 1 in Maduro.

True to form, it is most likely that DeLay did not pay for the cigar, but that it was a gift from a lobbying group. The cigar was smoked during a meeting between DeLay and the Republican Jewish Coalition at the King David Hotel in Jerusalem.

Still, one question remains: Why did Time Magazine waste our time with this story?


Bush Energy Bill Focuses on Alternative Energy

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

The White House has given increased attention to the matter of high energy prices. While environmentalists have accused President Bush of giving gifts to energy companies, the new energy bill actually gives support to new alternative energies made possible by modern technology.

Alternative Energies

Nuclear Reactors

Oil Refineries

Diesel Fuel

Natural Gas

"A secure energy future for America must include nuclear power ... and expanding oil refineries," Bush said. "Technology is the ticket, is this nation's ticket to greater energy independence."

One of the greatest planks in the Bush energy platform is nuclear power. Bush pointed out that France has built 58 nuclear plants since the 1970s while the United States has built none. “It’s time for America to start building again,” Bush said. Today France gets more than 78 percent of its electricity from nuclear power. The remainder is generated from their smug sense of superiority.

In addition, Bush would ask the DOE to step up negotiations with communities for the building of oil refineries . A new refinery has not been built in the United States in nearly three decades, and a refining shortage has been cited as one factor behind high gasoline prices.

Natural Gas has proved much more popular with environmentalists than unnatural gas.

Bush also would give federal regulators final say over the locations of new Liquefied Natural Gas (LNG) terminals. LNG terminals take compressed, supercold natural gas shipped from overseas and warm it into usable energy. Natural Gas has proved much more popular with environmentalists than unnatural gas.

Also, Bush set forward plans to offer incentives to use the radical new fuel called Diesel. Diesel burns cheaper and cleaner than conventional gasoline, but some critics say that it is highly flammable and dangerous. Under Bush’s plan, consumers would be able to get a clean-diesel vehicle tax credit.

The White House acknowledged the proposals were not expected to provide any relief from rising energy prices, but rather are designed to demonstrate how technology can be used to encourage more energy production from diverse sources.


Corrections: 5000 Mistakes

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Last week we reported that an alien spacecraft had landed in the Thames. That report has now been discovered to be a hoax. The deaths of the world’s foremost experts on aliens and the subsequent destruction of 10 Downing Street are only a coincidence.

Ryan Maynard, Editor


US Military Seize Zarqawi’s Laptop

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

(SNN) The wanted terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is one of the most wanted men in the world. It was revealed today that a February raid by a covert US military unit came extremely close to capturing Zarqawi. While sadly, Zarqawi was able to get away, he did leave one important thing behind: his laptop.

Found on Zarqawi’s Laptop

Hello Kitty screensaver

Penguin Racing game

Britney Spears “Toxic”

John Kerry campaign literature

Videos clips of "The Flip Wilson Show"

Ed Asner quotations

Naked Pictures of Hugh Heffner

Zarqawi is a frightening figure. He is known for his brutality even among terrorists. Some claim he is merely a legend, a ghost who operates in the shadows, or a mythical figurehead invented by the Insurgency. No sightings of Zarqawi have been confirmed since 2001. He is so mean that his organization once competed with Al Queda to see who was the most vicious. Now, in a letter from Osama bin Laden, he has been named "the prince of al Qaeda in Iraq”. Some people claim that he is now more powerful than bin Laden himself.

While his escape comes as quite a disappointment, it is not likely that it would have ended the Insurgency. However, it would have been a major blow to the morale of the insurgents.

He will stop at nothing to ruin our way of life.

According to Pentagon officials, Zarqawi’s laptop has proven a treasure trove of information about this enemy about which so little is known. It is hoped that the laptop may contain information about contacts or hard data of the relationship between his organization and Al Qaeda.

In addition to being the most feared terrorist in the world, it is now known that Zarqawi has downloaded illegal music and movies. With this new information, we now know that he is even more dangerous than once was feared, and he will stop at nothing to ruin our way of life.


Feral Cats a Wedge Issue

Monday, April 25, 2005

(SNN Madison) Wisconsin, the name conjures up visions of dairy products, drunkenness, and the state’s number one tourist attraction, hunting. For awhile, it looked like hunters had a new reason to rejoice as a new animal was opened up for hunting, feral cats.

Wisconsin should become known as a state where we shoot cats

The Wisconsin Conservation Congress, a group of outdoor enthusiasts, voted 6,830 to 5,201 in favor of removing the protected status of cats. This would have put cats in the same category as skunks and gophers. Anyone with a small game license would have been able to hunt cats legally. This would extend hunting to any housecat that was not collared or under its owner's control.

Surprisingly, not everyone wants to shoot cats. Democratic Governor Jim Doyle stopped the measure saying, "I don't think Wisconsin should become known as a state where we shoot cats." Doyle neither hunts nor owns a cat.

Conservative groups claim the feral cat problem is caused by liberals.

But many conservative groups claim the feral cat problem is caused by liberals. A recent opinion piece in The Conservative Voice pointed feral cat problems at lazy hippies who would not spay or neuter a cat. The piece also claimed that cat killing was to be expected in a society that allowed abortion and that feral cats were being aided in their efforts to overthrow garbage cans by the United Nations.

So far there has been no direct evidence of Annan’s involvement with feral cats. This has caused some to say that the corrupt UN is incapable of a fair internal investigation. Without any hard evidence, it will be very hard to prove Kofi Annan sneaks around at night and tipping over people’s garbage cans to feed cats, as Boutros Boutros Ghali was fond of doing.


Iraq and the $12 Million Man

Sunday, April 24, 2005

(SNN Baghdad) One of the first moves to monitor Iraqi government activities has begun. The newly elected parliament has indicated that they may support a resolution to inform the public of the salaries of senior officials.

The newly elected parliament has indicated that they may support a resolution

It is not clear when the parliament will pass the resolution, which will be its first since the elections in January. The motion before the parliament calls for all government officials including the president, the prime minister and their deputies as well as other senior aides to declare their income before assuming office.

The idea of this resolution comes amidst rumors spreading through Iraq that the newly chosen President Talbani is being paid $12 Million a year, or about $33,000 a day. This has angered some that point out that there are about 1 million Iraqis supporting families of 7 on a salary of $100 a month. An Iraqi economist, who did not want his name be revealed, said if confirmed true it would make the gap between minimum and highest wages in Iraq the largest in the world.

Talbani may have to shoehorn his office and travel expenses into his monthly salary

While the ruling Shiaa United Alliance did not deny or confirm the reports of the President’s salary, a source close to the president indicated that Talbani may have to shoehorn his office and travel expenses into his monthly salary of $1 Million.

By comparison, Brittan’s Tony Blair makes only $335,000 a year (near what Talbani makes in 10 days) and is also subject to 30% income tax. No government official in the country, no matter how much he gets, is known to be paying taxes. Two years after the fall of former leader Saddam Hussein, the government has yet to introduce an effective tax system.

Suspicions of the size of the presidential salary were raised earlier in the month when Tony Blair offered to quit as Prime Minister of the UK if he was chosen to be President of Iraq.


Spain’s Bill Nears Passage

Saturday, April 23, 2005

(SNN Barcelona) A new bill, or Guillermo, has passed the lower house of the Spanish Parliament today. The bill would allow gay couples to marry and even adopt. The bill has been highly criticized by the Catholic Church.

The bill passed the house with a 183-136 vote, with six abstentions. Representatives of gay and lesbian groups cheered from the chamber's public. "This is a great and historic day… of freedom and equality," said Pedro Zerolo, a leader of Spain's homosexual rights group.

Despite the jubilation of the gay and lesbian community, some people are not so happy. Last year Pope Benedict XVI - then Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger - had declared that gay marriages in Spain would destroy the family and society. Although, Spain is traditionally seen as a Catholic country, recent polls show the church losing support. Polls say nearly half of the country's Roman Catholics almost never go to Mass and a third say they are simply not religious.

Cardinal Lopez Trujillo bitterly criticized the reform which will give gay marriages the right to adopt children. He described the right to adopt as "the most absurd and negative aspect" of the reform bill, comparing a homosexual adoption to pedophilia, a subject which the Catholic Church has studied closely.

There is no guarantee that children reared in homosexual families will be happy.

Also, according to Cardinal Trujillo there is no guarantee that children reared in homosexual families will be happy. However, the socialist government foresaw this problem and put a provision in the law that will force gay parents to take their children to Euro Disney at least once every three years.

The Cardinal concluded by saying that perhaps it was a time for Spain to deeply reflect over who they should trust to run their government, the Church or their elected representatives.


Bush Defends Bolton Nomination

Friday, April 22, 2005

(SNN) Two days after the Republican led Foreign Relations Committee postponed plans to vote on the nomination of Bolton to the United Nations, President Bush prodded the Senate to confirm Bolton as UN Ambassador. Bush said that Bolton is "the right man at the right time for this important assignment."

Bush yesterday described Washington as a place where "sometimes politics gets in the way"

Bolton and Administration officials have said that the trouble with Bolton’s nomination comes from the concerted actions of liberals. Bush yesterday described Washington as a place where "sometimes politics gets in the way of doing the people's business." The White House is currently lobbying the three Republican Senators whose concern derailed Bolton’s Senate confirmation, but there have been reports of other liberals, such as General Colin Powell, working in the background to stop the nomination.

Bolton’s critics have accused him of having no respect for the United Nations, having little control over his temper, and being an abusive toady. Many of his former employees have said Bolton is a “really creepy guy”, a “madman”, “bizarre”, and a “no talent ass clown.”

Bolton is a “really creepy guy”, a “madman”, “bizarre”, and a “no talent ass clown”

One of the most telling accusations about Bolton comes from Melody Townsel, a former official with the US Agency for International Development. In a letter to the committee, she claims that 10 years ago, Mr. Bolton chased her through a hotel hallway, throwing things at her, and "genuinely behaving like a madman." In addition, Townsel contends that Bolton “throws things like a girl.”

Bolton has accomplished much in his career. A prolific songwriter, Bolton has penned songs for legendary artists including Barbra Streisand, KISS, Kenny Rogers, Kenny G., Cher, Peabo Bryson, Patti Labelle, among many others. He has also co-written songs with Bob Dylan, BabyFace and Diane Warren, and performed with Luciano Pavarotti, Placido Domingo, Renee Fleming, Patti Labelle, Ray Charles, Percy Sledge, Wynonna Judd, and BB King.

Bolton has sold over 52 million albums and singles worldwide, and has won two Grammys for best male vocalist, and six American Music Awards among many other accolades.


Skippy Does It: Las Vegas Weddings

Thursday, April 21, 2005

This week, I was asked to participate in a Las Vegas wedding.

At first I was taken aback, but then Dr. Maynard explained his idea. Dr. Maynard’s uncle, Robert Schumwell, and his wife own a small wedding chapel, the Chapel of Happy Endings, outside of Las Vegas. He wanted to go away for a long weekend, but had no-one to run the chapel while he was gone.

Rev. Schumwell sent me information on how to become an ordained minister on the internet as well as some general information on the laws and regulations of weddings in the state of Nevada. I was also told that I needed to find an organist to provide music for the ceremonies and serve as a witness. Fortunately, NewBlog 5000 intern Bunny Delicious informed me that she knew her way around an organ. I printed out our plane tickets and my credentials as an ordained Minister and I was ready to go.

Bunny and I arrived in Las Vegas Friday afternoon. We got our hotel rooms and took a cab to the Chapel of Happy Endings. Rev. Schumwell and his wife were already busy performing ceremonies. Though the evening, I got a quick crash course in how things worked at the chapel and got a set of keys to the front door.

At two in the afternoon on Saturday, dressed in my best suit, I was letting myself and Bunny into the Chapel of Happy Endings. Just after the cab pulled away, a pickup truck drove up and four men jumped out. Some kind of scuffle ensued, but I saw very little of it, having received a face of pepper spray early in the fight.

When I regained some semblance of what was going on, Bunny told me that she had been able to take out two of them, and apologized for spraying me with pepper spray. We were in the back of a pickup truck speeding into the Nevada desert.

We were taken to an old Spanish mission in the middle of the desert. The words “Wedding Chapel” had been spray painted on the side of the building. Bunny and I were married at gunpoint. They made us pay them $100 for the marriage and a $200 tip to the truck driver. We were then blindfolded and taken back to our hotel.

When we got back to the Hotel, I called the emergency number that Rev. Schumwell had given us. He told me that a rival wedding chapel has threatened to start stealing his business. This was part of the reason why he had gone on vacation this particular weekend. I informed him that I would not be performing any marriages that day.

So Bunny and I will be spending the next two weeks in Las Vegas while we wait for an annulment to go through. The trip is not a total loss though. We have seen some very good shows, and I did get to see how well Bunny can handle an organ.

James Skippenofsky


New Pope Prepares for Deathbed.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

(SSN Rome) It’s bad when you start a new job and your friends, family and colleagues tell you that you will not last there very long. It’s even worse when you hold the job until death. It’s even worse when you agree with the assessment that you are a short timer. It’s even worse when you can’t be wrong.

How is Benedict XVI preparing for death?

Canceling subscription to Catholic Digest

Hiring assistant to finish Sistine Chapel jigsaw

Asking Showtime to see end of The L Word season early

Skipping to last chapter of “The Da Vinci Code”

With Benedict XVI, formerly known as Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, being the oldest pontiff elected in 275 years, many people are afraid that he may be a short timer. In addition to the concerns about Benedict XVI’s age, he suffered a hemorrhagic stroke in 1991, and a fall in 1992 that knocked him unconscious and produced severe bleeding.

Benedict’s Brother, Father Georg Ratzinger had said earlier this month that he did not believe his brother had a chance at being elected pope because of his age and his German nationality. Now he is concerned with the Pope’s advanced age and the stress of his new position. "I am very concerned. I would have thought his advanced age and his health, which is not very stable, would have been reason enough for the cardinals to pick someone else," said Georg Ratzinger.

Pope Benedict XVI predicted a “short reign” in comments to cardinals just after his election. The Vatican refused to comment Wednesday on Benedict's health, citing his privacy. Several cardinals acknowledged that Benedict's term will be marked in years, not decades, and that he likely will not be the globe-trotting pope that John Paul was.


DeLay Letter Rejects Bribery Accusations

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

(SNN Sugar Land, TX) Wishing to reassure his supporters that he had not yet been found guilty of any wrongdoing, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay sent a letter to his chief supporters Monday, telling them “Democrats have made clear that their only agenda is the politics of personal destruction, and the criminalization of politics.”

More conservative Republican congressmen have asked that DeLay answer the allegations

DeLay has been charged with taking bribes of gifts and money in exchange for legislation, breaking house rules, and being a dick. He said the charges against him constituted the "Democrats agenda.” Despite DeLay’s insistence that he is the target of a Democratic conspiracy, some of the more conservative Republican congressmen have asked that he answer the allegations. However it should be noted that DeLay has been given strong support from Trent Lott and Karl Rove, making him look much more guilty.

DeLay went on to say that he had never been found guilty of violating a rule by the House Rules committee, whose rules were re-written by the Republican majority specifically to protect DeLay. Furthermore, he pointed out that he had never been accused of breaking any laws, such as three of his close associates in the Texans for a Republican Majority had. Finally, he addressed the three times he was admonished by the House ethics committee in 2004. DeLay reminds the reader that an admonishment does not mean that he was found breaking any rules, only that the rules committee found it necessary to ask him not to break any rules again.

Admonishment does not mean that he was found breaking any rules

DeLay went on to write, "It should come as no surprise that following the 2004 election-year attacks on the president that the Democrats, their syndicate of third-party organizations … and the legion of Democrat-friendly press would turn their attention to trying to retake Congress." By the end, it had taken DeLay over 2400 words to explain all the things he hadn’t done wrong.

DeLay’s letter concluded that while the Congressman firmly believed in defending his position and, by extension, the Republican Majority, it may be hard for him to find time to do so. However, the letter assured supporters that he might find time for this important and worthwhile action if they were able to make a significant donation.


Bill Frist to Give Nation a Shocker

Monday, April 18, 2005

(SSN KY)Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist is about to tell the nation something so shocking that it may never be the same again.

Frist has personally headed movements to exploit the rules to stop more Clinton judicial nominees.

Frist is leading a showdown. He is attempting to rewrite a long running rule that stops a controlling party from completely dominating the judicial branch and protects checks and balances. Frist has personally headed movements to exploit the rules to stop more Clinton judicial nominees. This shocks no one.

On April 24th, Frist will travel to a Kentucky megachuch for an evening dubbed “Justice Sunday”, where he will join those that claim Democrats are “against people of faith” for blocking President Bush’s judicial nominees. This is not the thing that will shock the nation.

It is rumored that Frist, despite depicting himself as the consulting doctor for the Senate and offering shaky medical opinions that supported his positions exclusively, may be making a run for president in 2008. This is not the thing that will shock the country.

Frist will state firmly that it is harder for a Democrat to get into heaven

Our exclusive sources have found out that on April 24th in Kentucky, Senate Majority Leader, Bill Frist will announce that he is the Lord God, Jesus Christ, returned to earth. It is widely hoped that Frist’s divinity will stop argument as to whether or not the extreme protestant right constitutes the only real faith.

God will appear on stage with Dr. James C. Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family; Chuck Colson, the born-again Watergate figure and founder of Prison Fellowship Ministries; and Dr. Al Mohler, president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. Lord Frist will state firmly that it is harder for a Democrat to get into heaven than a camel to pass through the eye of a needle.

This announcement comes at an advantageous time. It is expected that the conclave in Rome will dissolve selection of a new Pope in deference to Dr. Frist’s divinity. Upon receiving the position of Pope, Frist plans to dissolve the astronomical wealth of the Vatican to feed the rich.

The Lord Dr. Frist's spokesman said that in the telecast the Lord God returned to Earth would reflect his previous remarks on judicial appointments. In the past he has consistently balanced a determination "not to yield" on the president's nominees with appeals to the Democrats for compromise. Mr. Stevenson said, adding, "He has spoken to groups all across the nation to press that point, and as long as a minority of Democrats continue to block a vote, he will continue to do so."


More Trouble with Illegal Aliens

Sunday, April 17, 2005

India Daily reports that the Soviet and American military have both started launching thousands of missiles at outer space from arctic regions in an unannounced military exercise.

There have also been reports of strange solar flares and weather activity.

Various news services have reported that the U.S. and Russia are conducting missile defense war games. Some, but not all, UFO researchers believe that both the forces are jointly fighting some kind of alien force. There have also been reports of strange solar flares and weather activity.

According to the Russian Defense Ministry, the 4th Central Research Institute of the Ministry in Moscow is hosting the joint theater-wide ballistic missile defense (BMD) command-post exercise (CPX). “The theater-wide BMD exercise program is designed to further promote Russian-U.S. cooperation aimed at building trust and bolstering the positive relations between the two militaries,” the Ministry of Defense release said.

Most aliens confine their activities to sodomy.

While most aliens confine their activities to sodomy, it is feared that these aliens want to take over the government of the United States. While most believe this would be a step up, some are speculating, because of the extreme and fast action that the militaries of Russia and the United States have taken, that the aliens may also be Islamic terrorists. Bumpers stickers have already started appearing on pickup trucks saying “Who would Osama beam up?”

Most of the world’s experts on extraterrestrials were unavailable for comment, as they were killed during a high security meeting at 10 Downing Street. The meeting was put together to discuss the UFO that landed in the Thames yesterday, shutting down downtown London for 5 hours.


Understanding Problems between China and Japan

Sunday, April 17, 2005

(SNN Beijing) Today marked the third weekend of anti-Japanese protests in China. This time, tensions have been fueled over Japan’s drilling in contested waters. In some places protesters went as far as to attack Japanese restaurants for not properly cooking their fish.

Prime Minister Koizumi Junichiro stands 169cm (5’5”) tall.

Tensions were sparked by Japan’s approval of a history textbook that critics say plays down Japanese military abuses such as the forced wartime prostitution of thousands of Asian women as “fraternity pranks”. Chinese protestors believe that the Japanese need to deeply meditate on the importance of history, whilst Chinese demonstrators pelt them with rocks and bottles.

On Wednesday, North Korea, an ally of China, added its voice to criticism of the new Japanese textbooks. “This betrays philistinism peculiar to Japan, a vulgar and shameless political dwarf.” It should be noted for the record that Prime Minister Koizumi Junichiro stands 169cm (5’5”) tall. Also, PM Koizumi should not be confused with the political elf, Dennis Kucinich.

Also on Wednesday, Japan announced that it had started exploring gas production facilities in a disputed section of the East China Sea. This is expected to cause friction over Japan's ambitions for a seat on the UN Security council. Premier Wen Jiabao said that Tokyo wasn't ready for a Security Council seat until it faced up to its history of aggression.

Fortunately, this friction between nations can most probably be solved without bloodshed. Using the traditional method for deciding differences in Asia, China and Japan will both produce a giant robot. The robots will then be blessed by Buddhist monks. The Japanese robot will be piloted by a teenage boy, and the Chinese by a large breasted young woman. Whichever country’s robot is left standing will be considered the victor, but that country will also learn a powerful lesson about the foibles of war and the honor of compassion to one’s enemies. The two young pilots will then join together to fight Russia’s giant bear-like mecha.


Edward Klein Casts the First Stone

Friday, April 15, 2005

(SNN) With the 2008 election just three years away, unimpeachable author Edward Klein has written a tell-all book, “The Truth About Hillary”, to expose the dangers of Hillary Clinton. It is widely believed that this book will stop Hillary from running in 2008.

Klein has written a tell-all book, “The Truth About Hillary”

There is already a lot of media buzz about the book. The Washington Times as said the book “could prove a roadblock to Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton's possible run for the White House in 2008.” Impartial source Matt Drudge called the book “the ultimate Hillary attack”, and he has not even seen it yet. And Fox regular Dick Morris, who was fired by the Clintons for prostitution, has said the revelations will be damaging. The book’s publisher Sentinel claims, "Just as the Swift Boat Veterans convinced millions of voters that John Kerry lacked the character to be president, Klein's book will influence everyone who is sizing up the character of Hillary Clinton."

Hillary held down Monica Lewinsky while Bill sodomized her

While the publisher has refused to spill any details to the press, the NewBlog 5000 team has been working to find out what may be included. We have reasonable evidence that Klein makes the following claims: Hillary was mean to the secret service, she is a communist lesbian, Hillary held down Monica Lewinsky while Bill sodomized her (Lewinsky), she removed life support from the Pope, she tried to give all Americans healthcare and Hillary never went on a CIA mission in Cambodia.

And Klein is the perfect person to size up the faults of Hillary Clinton. After leaving the New York Times for fabricating the “wrong kind” of stories, Klein wrote a tell-all book about the Kennedy’s homosexual orgies. He also provides details of the Greek curse put on Jackie Kennedy for marrying Onasis, and details Ted Kennedy’s dismissal from the U.S. Senate, which lead to him dying from shame. His skill in investigative reporting has been compared to that found in “People” magazine.


Editor’s note

Friday, April 15, 2005

It has been pointed out to me that lately NewsBlog 5000 has had a propensity to mention Sodomy at any and every opportunity. At this point, I would like to apologize to “Edith in Atlanta”, Justice Souter, Justice Scalia and the Sony Corporation.

We will try not to let it happen again.

Ryan Maynard, Editor


Antonin Scalia Refuses to Answer Sodomy Charge

Thursday, April 14, 2005

(SNN) Tuesday, amid campus protests, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia refused to admit to an accusation of sodomy during a question and answer session at NYU’s Vanderbilt Hall.

Scalia was explaining his position in Lawrence

During the evening, many questions of the constitutionality of certain laws as well as whether or not the constitution was intended to be a living document were addressed. However, we are going to bring you information on none of these things.

Scalia was explaining, to a law student, his position in Lawrence v. Texas ruling, where Scalia upheld the constitutionality of Texas passing anti-sodomy laws and contended that privacy was not a constitutional right. As a follow-up question the law student asked Scalia if he sodomized his wife.

The New York Post called the student, Eric Berndt, “a gay student”.

It should be pointed out that there is some confusion as to the status of the NYU student. While NYU’s student paper identifies the student as a law student, a source to the New York Post called the student, Eric Berndt, “a gay student”. We have not been able to determine if the student in question was studying law or gay.

Despite Scalia’s position of the constitutionality of sodomy being part of the public record, he refused to answer the question. Scalia even went as far as to say that the question was “unworthy of an answer”, suggesting that if he does commit sodomy, he does not do it very well.

While David Souter’s exploits in this area have long been known, this marks the first time that Scalia has publicly been accused of Sodomy. Although it must be noted that he is often accused of the act in more private settings.


Tech Tips: Sony’s New Music Player a Perfect Fit

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

There is a new MP3 player on the market gunning for the popular iPod Shuffle. Offering up to one gigabyte of song storage and a screen based user interface, the NW-E400 walkman may just give the shuffle a run for its money.

The NW-E400 series of Network Walkman MP3 player from Sony

The NW-E400 series of Network Walkman MP3 player from Sony offers a similar size to the Shuffle, and holds up to one gigabyte of music. In addition, the NW-E400 had an Organic EL display that shows three lines of text - bright and clear in daylight or darkness. Sony claims the device can play for up to 50 hours on three minutes worth of charging.

The sophisticated and sleek acrylic and zinc design of the design make the NW-E400 make the player not only a joy to listen to but a beauty to look at. The slim and sturdy design is perfect for insertion into the rectum. This will be a welcome change to those people that are left with iPod tan lines coming out of tanning beds.

Currently, players are available in the UK and can be purchased at the Sony Store.

Adrian Chevelle, Senior Technology Analyst


Go Ask Alice

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?

Dear Alice

I have been convicted of sexual offenses against children on several occasions, and have been diagnosed as a pedophile. I have not offended against anyone for a very long time and am praying to God to help me resist my vile urges. A couple months ago, I went to see a therapist at a free clinic. After I told her my problem and how many children I've molested over the last forty years, she told me that there was nothing that could be done to help me. She said, "Your soul is dead". Can this be true? Is there anything I can do to get my soul back to life? Please, I'm begging you, please help me.

Wally D.

Dear Wally.

While I am not a theologian, I am afraid your therapist may be correct. Child molesting probably does lead to the death of the soul. However, because it appears to me that you sincerely desire to free yourself from this affliction, I have consulted with a friend, Dr. Benswabi Santorum, who recommended a ritual that he swears will fix it. He cautions that these remedies will only work if your heart is sincere. For the procedure, you will need a couple of big stones, razor blades, an aluminum bowl, a welding torch, a soldering iron, rubber butt plug (red), four feet of stripped electrical wiring, and a well charged car battery. At first, performing the ritual may seem unpleasant. Do not be put off by the smell of burning flesh, as this is a common side effect. I will have Dr. Santorum contact you with more detailed instructions. Wally, I will be with you in my heart at midnight of the next full moon.

I wish you well.


I don’t know if this is a problem or not, but I’m a little worried. When I take my daughter to school in the morning, my young male dog, Wally, insists on hopping into the kennel with my eight year old cat, Crystal, who is female and spayed. The dog doesn’t seem to mind the company throughout the day and, when I arrive home at night, they both seem peculiarly happy and mellow. The other day, my daughter came home from school early and found Wally humping Crystal. Do I need to be concerned about this behavior.

Edith in Atlanta

Dear Edith,

I agree that it is peculiar, but I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Animals have sexual urges too, and cross species sex is not unknown amongst house pets that are locked up in the same house all day. Dogs especially are well known for humping all kinds of objects both animate and inanimate. I would be much more worried if you came home and found your daughter was somehow participating.



Editor's Note, A New Alice

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

When we first started NewsBlog 5000, we wanted badly to get Alice Humbees to write our advice column. However, due to contractual obligations, Alice was unable to join our team. I did what any editor would do, I found a ghostwriter to write the column and paid Alice to use her name.

Finally, Alice is free from her other contract and able to join our team. I would like to thank Lars Tamley for filling in for her up until now. And I would like to welcome to the NewsBlog 5000 team our new Alice Humbees, who is, in fact, the actual Alice Humbees.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor


Rumsfeld Urges Iraqi Leaders to See Things His Way

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

(SSN Baghdad) Ten weeks after Iraqis braved death to go to the polls, there has already been a major challenge to the newly elected democratic government, by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

Rumsfeld suggested that the newly elected Iraqi leaders may be dragging their feet in the forming of a new government.

Rumsfeld suggested that the newly elected Iraqi leaders may be dragging their feet in the forming of a new government. Rumsfeld wanted to make it clear to the sovereign Iraqi people that there could be serious consequences if they did not follow the advice of the United States. "We have an opportunity to continue to make progress politically, economically," Rumsfeld said. "Anything that would delay that or disrupt that as a result of turbulence ... would be unfortunate."

However, members of the democratically elected sovereign Iraqi parliament responded that they had good reasons to do a house cleaning in the intelligence services and Defense Ministry, which stand accused of intimidation and murder of supporters of the United Iraqi Alliance. They also fear that insurgents have infiltrated the senior posts in the security ministries.

We have reservations about his opposing a purge before the government has even been officially created

Surprisingly, Iraqi leaders did not approve of Sec. Rumsfeld telling them how to run their sovereign country. "We have reservations about his opposing a purge before the government has even been officially created," said Saad Qindeel, the head of the political bureau of the Supreme Council for Islamic Revolution in Iraq, the largest party in the alliance.

This news comes at a time when many of the coalition forces are withdrawing or announcing their withdrawal from Iraq. Poland, often sited by President Bush as the pride of the coalition, has announced it is going to pull its forces from Iraq by the end of the year.

Despite the fact that they are threatening members of the new government and passing information to insurgents, Rumsfeld feels that a purge of the services could wipe out the progress that American forces have made in training and mobilizing police and soldiers. "It's not so much a matter of continuity as a matter of competence, of capability," Rumsfeld said during a stop in a Kurdish city. "It's a matter of not ... setting back the important progress that's been achieved.” It is feared that if thousand of soldiers still loyal to Saddam are fired from the security services now, it may weaken Iraq’s future.

Rusmfeld added that American troops would be kept in Iraq until the country’s leaders could prove that they were "highly competent people who are not going to politicize security forces." And if there’s one person who can identify the politicizing of decisions about the military, it’s Donald Rumsfeld.

James Skippenofsky, Senior Iraq Correspondent


Milwaukee Man Accused of Stealing Music

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Once again the music industry is suing people for stealing music. This time, the emphasis has shifted to a mechanic in Milwaukee, who does not even own a computer.

The Recording Industry Association of America has long been criticized for its tactics in suing those that steal music.

The Recording Industry Association of America has long been criticized for its tactics in suing those that steal music. They have filed hundreds of lawsuits against individuals at a time and accused everyone from the dead to people who don’t own computers of stealing music.

The most recent person to have the RIAA spotlight fall on them is a Milwaukee area mechanic, Arthur “The Fonz” Fonzerelli. Agents of the Music industry claim that “The Fonz” has been exploiting a little known bug in a jukebox to steal music since the early seventies.

generally ASCAP fees are paid by the businesses where jukeboxes are housed

Normally, this would not be an issue for the RIAA, as generally ASCAP fees are paid by the businesses where jukeboxes are housed; in this case, a local restaurant known as “Arnold’s”. But in this case, it falls under the jurisdiction of the RIAA because “The Fonz” was circumventing rights protection technology in violation of the Digital Copyright Millennium Act.

If "The Fonz" is found guilty of stealing this music, he could be held accountable for find of up to 3 billion dollars (or $100,000 a song), for the estimated 30,000 songs he stole between 1974 and 2004 and could have legally purchased for $.05 a listen. But “The Fonz” is remaining strong. When asked by reporters what he thought of his chances in of a manageable settlement, he held up his thumb and replied, “Ayyyy”. Arnold was unavailable for comment.


Dan Brown Hurt by Vatican Criticism

Monday, April 11, 2005

(SNN) The story is one we have heard a thousand times. Jesus had sex and children with Mary Magdalene that are still alive today carrying out sinister plots against the wishes of the Catholic Church which wants to take over the world. Now the author of “The Da Vinci Code”, Dan Brown, finds himself under criticism by the same Catholic Church which made him so much money.

Italian Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone used a Vatican Radio broadcast to urge all Catholics to boycott “The Da Vinci Code”

Last month, Italian Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone used a Vatican Radio broadcast to urge all Catholics to boycott “The Da Vinci Code”. "My appeal is as follows,'' he said. “Don't read and don't buy 'The Da Vinci Code.’” Cardinal Bertone has called the book "a sack full of lies". An assessment shared by the author’s publisher, DoubleDay, who insisted on listing the book under Fiction. Some have even gone as far as to point out that there is no Dr. Robert Langdon, a central character to the book. This may be too little too late though, as the book has been translated into 40 languages and has sold 25 million copies. There is also a movie in the works, but fortunately for the Vatican, it stars Tom Hanks, and very few people will actually see it.

Cardinal Bertone has called the book "a sack full of lies"

This has come as quite a blow to Brown, who has only made $50 million off the book in the last two years, and is signed into a multimillion dollar multi-book deal at DoubleDay. Brown describes the attention the Vatican has given him as a dramatic life change. Much like Salmon Rushdie, Brown has had to go into hiding. He has had to shy away from public places because of the number of people who line up to speak with him. He has also suffered the indignity of having to appear in a John Travolta movie with Aerosmith.

Things are not going so well for those who want to boycott the book. Some say that the protesting of the book from Vatican officials is a good enough reason to think that there is something inside that the Vatican does not want people to know. This has struck a chord with religious conspiracy theorists that long believed that Jesus was married, or gay, or a woman or an alien or all of those things. Also book sales of Brown’s “Angels and Demons” have risen dramatically since the death of the pope.


It’s Hard to Get Good Help

Sunday, April 10, 2005

(SNN) It seems ironic that with so many people looking for work, it is still hard to find good help these days. A perfect illustration of this problem comes to us from Senator Mel Martinez of Florida. What chance do ordinary people have of finding good employees if people like Martinez can not?

Martinez was able to find the source of the memo and fire the employee responsible.

Recently, Martinez has become the center of a scandal based on a memo that came out of his office and that he passed to people on the Senate floor. On Fox News Sunday March 20, Martinez denied to Chris Wallace that he was responsible for the memo that had "talking points" for Republican Senators to use in the politicization of the Terri Schiavo case. It must have been embarrassing to Martinez to find out that this memo that he did not know about and was passing out, came from his senior aid, Brian Darling. Fortunately, Martinez was able to find the source of the memo and fire the employee responsible.

But this is not Martinez’s only bout with bad staffing. In 2004, the Martinez campaign sent out mailers calling Republican opponent Bill McCollum “the new darling of the homosexual extremists.” After Martinez won the primary, he claimed full responsibility for the smearing of McCollum. Although he took full responsibility, he claimed no responsibility for the statement, saying that a couple of “young turks” were responsible, and that the name calling didn’t reflect "who I am or what I stand for."

Although he took full responsibility, he claimed no responsibility for the statement

In the general election campaign that followed, Martinez attacked former U.S. attorney Janet Reno, claiming that the Justice Department used “armed thugs” to seize Elian Gonzalez and send him back to Cuba. At the time, Reno was promoting Martinez’s opponent, Betty Castor. It was pointed out that one of the “armed thugs” employed by Reno was in fact a federal agent used in one of Martinez’s own campaign ads. Martinez was quick to point of that the wording of Martinez’s statement was the mistake of one of his staffers.

One must feel pity for Mel Martinez. If he had made these mistakes and was not a U.S. Senator, many would think him a lying hypocrite, a psychopathic opportunist or at the very least an incompetent boob. Fortunately though, he has been able to overcome the shortcomings of his vastly inept staff.


Not Everyone Happy with Activist Judges.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

(SNN) Recently many people have become upset with judges interpreting the law. Conservative leaders met in Washington yesterday and discussed “remedies to Judicial Tyranny”. Currently a bill sits in the House and the Senate that would alter the scope of the courts.

It seems unfathomable that we should not be able to execute children

The conservative panel in Washington yesterday was an example of Judicial Activism in action. The conservatives were devastated that a judge appointed by the liberal poster child Ronald Reagan had ruled it was cruel and unusual to give the death penalty to children because of what was done in other countries. It seems unfathomable that we should not be able to execute children just because they say it is immoral in Iran.

In addition to the meeting in Washington, Tom DeLay has blamed the death of Terry Schiavo on unaccountable judges. "The time will come for the men responsible for this to answer for their behavior, but not today," said DeLay. DeLay added that courts "thumbed their nose at Congress and the president.” It has even been suggested that DeLay may push for impeachment of the judges involved. DeLay concluded by twirling the corners of his moustache and saying, “You will rue the day you messed with Tom DeLay.”

A bar fight should have only got me 60 days tops.

Mortimer Wantow III of Bloomington, IN, also disapproves of the unaccountability of judges. Last year, Wantow was given 180 days in jail for assault, a sentence he considers cruel and unjust. “All I did was call the judge an a**h*le. And I did suggest that he may have had sexual relations with his mother. A bar fight should have only got me 60 days tops.” Wantow claims that the judge in his case, Judge Arlen Spent was unfairly influenced by Wantow’s language. “Now, I’m not saying that name calling is the right thing to do in a court of law, but a judge has a responsibility to treat people fairly, even if he is a M*th*rf**ker.”, added Wantow.

If these trends continue, legislators may find it necessary to instate some sort of judicial review mechanism. It has long been suggested that judicial decisions should not be the last word, and that citizens should have the right to appeal a sentence. Some have even suggested that for extreme cases, appeals should be overturned by the Supreme Court. This would be a nice duty for the Supreme Court, which has little else to do.


Florida Bill Locked and Loaded

Thursday, April 07, 2005

(SNN) Florida Governor Jeb Bush said he will soon sign into law the so-called “Castle Doctrine” giving Floridians expanded opportunity to legally shoot people in their homes, vehicles and in public places. The bill passed the Florida Senate unanimously and the Florida House overwhelmingly. Governor Bush described the bill as "a good, commonsense, anti-crime issue".

Governor Bush described the bill as "a good, commonsense, anti-crime issue"

Proponents say the law restores a sense of balance to Florida. "Before, if you got a 6ft 3in, 200lb rapist with a nylon stocking who was going to choke you, you couldn't use a gun on him - you could only use a stocking, and only if you could convince a jury that you were in fear of death or great bodily harm," argued Marion Hammer, a former national director of the National Rifle Association, and a prime force behind the measure. It is hoped that rapists will no longer choke their victims now that it is so much easier to shoot them.

While many found the NRA sponsored bill overkill, they also found the bill difficult to vote against. Representative Richard Machek favored the ability to shoot people in the privacy of your own home, but was hoping to prevent shootings from spilling out into the streets. Machek said that the bill was difficult to vote against because the writers of the bill used the American Pie strategy. After the bill’s package is slipped into mom’s apple pie, it is extremely difficult to avoid completion.

The bill will return Florida to the days of the Wild West

Some are saying the bill will return Florida to the days of the Wild West - all but giving 6 million registered gun owners a license to kill in what is already one of the most violent states in America. But others argue that the bill will turn Florida into more of an Escape from New York, a zone ruled by gang violence where only the strong survive. In either scenario, it is the children who will be the real winners, as the education system is expected to improve greatly.

But there is a downside to the bill. Randy Scloman is a locksmith and birdwatcher from Miami. Randy plans to move out of the state if the law is passed. “I just look suspicious. I have all my life.” Randy told us. “I’m always getting stopped by police. Whenever I walk down a dark street, women are always running away from me. For me, bird watching is a dangerous sport. I once had a Korean woman yell at me for an hour because I was ‘skulking around with binoculars’. If that bill passes, and I stay in Florida, there is no way I will survive.”


Go Ask Alice

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Are you sick with those bland syndicated advice columns? Alice Humbees has got the pill for you. Would you like to Go Ask Alice?


I am an American citizen and my partner is a Chinese citizen studying in Buffalo. He finishes his studies in the spring and will lose his student visa. Because he is busy writing his thesis, I have done the legwork and looked into getting him legal status in the United States. It was looking as if it was going to be too complicated, and I went to talk to Canadian Immigration. While I was there, I fell in love with a beautiful girl and we are thinking about getting married. However, my Chinese partner still thinks I am in love with him, and every time I leave for the immigration office, he thinks I am adamantly pursuing his Canadian citizenship.

Frank W


Your own inaction is your solution. It always hurts to break off a relationship, but it always feels good to blame the government for your problems. And in this case, you will be getting to blame two governments for the price of one. There is a slim possibility that he may finish his thesis early and try to follow up on some of your information himself. In this case the best thing to do is frame him for some type of crime. Try sending threatening letters to your congressman or better yet the president, and sign his name. This should get him deported in no time. If you’re lucky he may even be sent to Guantanamo, that way you can avoid the possibility of surprise visits.



I am near the end of my fifth pregnancy and about an hour ago, I had nookie with my hubby. I don’t like having sex now that I am pregnant, but I want to have this baby now. For about 30 mins, I have been having bad contractions. Has it done the trick, or is this just false contractions?

Anita J


Ok, I’m going to say it one more time. I don’t answer every piece of email I get, and sometimes it is as much as two weeks before I write a column. By the time you are all reading this, AJ probably has a baby, or has died waiting for my response. Also, do not use words like Nooky and Hubby. Also, after already having four, shouldn't you have have some kind of clue as to what's going on?



Collins Views Pope’s Body

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Bootsy Collins and fellow Funkateers paid their respects to Pope John Paul II on Wednesday, viewing his remains and kneeling to pray in St. Peter's Basilica.

Immediately after arriving in Rome, Bootsy and the other Funkateers went to the basilica to view the remains. Bootsy knelt just a few feet (meters) from the pope's remains, dressed in a crimson robe with a white bishop's miter. The Pope was similarly dressed. They spent about five minutes and then left without any comment. Hundreds of thousands of people have viewed the pope's remains since Monday. The line of mourners was stopped during Bush's visit.

Later while talking to reporters Bootsy said that the Pope had “made an unforgettable contribution to The Funk.” He said he had met "two great popes" in his lifetime, John Paul II and John XXIII. He said that he had a deeply appreciated the Pope “keeping the Funk alive.” Later Bootsy commented that he believed in John Paul’s mission of “mutual understanding and respect” between Catholicism and The Funk, “What really matters is that the Funky DNA gets inside your soul. Give it a chance, you will dance, metabolic imaging to make your mind enhance.”

Former President Carter had hoped to go as well, but backed off when told the Vatican had limited the official Funkateer delegation to five "and there were also others who were eager to attend," said Jon Moore, a spokesman for the Carter Center in Atlanta. Moore said the Carters "always relish memories" of the pope's 1979 visit to Washington, the only time a pope has been to the White House.


Gonzales Admits Patriot Act Could be Changed

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

(SNN) Attorney General Alberto Gonzales told senators today that he would be open to changes in the USA Patriot Act, which is up for renewal this year. However, Gonzales urged congressmen to keep all the major provisions of the bill if they valued their safety.

Without the Patriot Act we would have experienced multiple terrorist attacks during the past 3 years

Gonzales told the Senate Judiciary Committee that without the Patriot Act we would have experienced multiple terrorist attacks during the past 3 years. "Thanks in part to the act, we have dismantled terrorist cells, disrupted terrorist plots and captured terrorists before they could strike," Gonzales said. Gonzales claimed that he was very open minded to changes to the bill, as long as they gave him more power.

Despite the fact that the Patriot Act allows the DOJ and FBI to do pretty much whatever they hell they want, Gonzales and FBI Director Robert Mueller assured Congress that the act’s massive search and surveillance powers had been used narrowly to monitor the reading habits and personal data on a broad range of people. Gonzales also admitted the Justice Department “took too long” to report to Congress on how the act had been used. Gonzales promised that in the future information would be more forthcoming, now that it had been established how much Congress is allowed to know.

The Patriot Act allows the DOJ and FBI to do pretty much whatever they hell they want

Several members of the Judiciary Committee said they approved of Gonzales’s approach much more then that of Secretary Ashcroft. "The attorney general has now announced that he too recognizes that our concerns are not so far-fetched," said Sen. Russell Feingold, D-Wis., who cast the lone Senate vote against the act, which gave the FBI broad new police and surveillance powers. Feingold went on to say that he had grown quite fond of Gonzales, who’s respectful and soft-spoken manner reminded the Senator of his gardener.

Director Mueller also said that he wanted to assure the Judiciary committee that the FBI had never used the Patriot Act’s powers to seek library or gun-sale search orders. Although Mueller later admitted that the FBI had obtained some library records by request without using the act. This will calm the fears of many Americans that a terrorist might check out books from the library and not return them.


Cardinals Gather for Papal Funeral and Replacement Selection

Monday, April 04, 2005

(SNN)This morning, Pope John Paul II’s body was carried to St. Peter’s Basilica for public display. Pope John Paul’s funeral has been set for Friday, and until a new Pope is chosen, the Cardinals will manage the affairs of the Holy See.

It will be a new experience for almost all the Cardinals.

The funeral on April 8 will be concelebrated by all the cardinals gathered in Rome. It will be a new experience for almost all the Cardinals. Only a handful of the Cardinals were present for the funeral of the last Pope in 1978. At the conclusion of the funeral, the body of Pope John Paul II will be buried in the grotto of St. Peter’s basilica. He will be laid to rest in the spot where Blessed John XXIII was buried in 1963.

Pope John Paul II will be buried in the grotto of St. Peter’s basilica.

No later than two weeks after the funeral, the Cardinals will have the task of selecting the next pope. The Cardinals will be sequestered behind the Vatican walls. Each Cardinal will place his hand on the Gospels for an oath pledging loyalty to the next pope and to promising never to reveal what occurred in the chamber. Much like jurors, the Cardinals will be taken from outside influence, no television, publications or telephones will be allowed. When the votes are counted and a new pope is chosen, the newly selected pope must accept the position. Then, within two hours, the new Pope will be announced.

Right now, it looks like Bill Pulsipher is the most likely candidate. However, he has been recently injured, and there is speculation that he may not be fully recovered. There is additional worry about the pitching time Pulsipher missed while injured. If Pulsipher is truly out of the picture, the most likely candidate may be lefty Carmen Cali, who is currently with Triple-A Memphis.

Update1: It turns out that Bill Pulsipher and Carmen Cali were not in fact Cardinals in line for a Papal position, but baseball players in line for a position with the St. Louis Cardinals.

Update2: According to a report posted on, the official Web site of Major League Baseball, former Ducks pitcher Bill Pulsipher has made the opening day roster of the St. Louis Cardinals.


Actdroid to Find Home

Sunday, April 03, 2005

(SNN)A new type of automaton known as an Actdroid was featured at the Aichi Expo. The automated attendant displayed the ability to greet visitors in four languages. Now the Actdroid is going to take on a larger test of its capabilities.

The Aichi Expo is one of the premier events for the testing of human interaction with automatons.

Started by the NEDO corporation, the Aichi Expo is one of the premier events for the testing of human interaction with automatons. The Expo features everything from a wooly mammoth to robots that may soon be very common around the house or the workplace. In all, there were 65 different types of robots at the event.

The Actdroids were developed by Kokoro Co. with additional voice recognition provided by Advanced Media Inc. When addressed by visitors, the Actdroids, which look like human women, provide useful information assisted by lifelike gestures.

An Actdroid will be given to a random Japanese high school boy.

The expo clears the way for the next step in robotics research, the study of how people react to robots in a real-life setting. Upon its success at the expo, an Actdroid will be given to a random Japanese high school boy, whose parents are working in America. The Actdroid will fulfill all basic domestic needs, such as cooking and cleaning. Eventually it is hoped that the Actdroid will teach the high school boy about courage and love.

But can the love of humans really be replaced by female robots? “We will demonstrate various situations at the Expo," says Hirochika Inoue, inspector general of the Japan Society for the Promotion of Science. "I hope that will give visitors an opportunity to think about how they want to use robots and what they want robots to do for them. I also hope that in 30 years this expo will be considered the starting point of the practical application of life-assisting robots."


Skippy Does It

Saturday, April 02, 2005

In this Skippy does it, Skippy refinances his house through an online lender.

As my first assignment for Skippy Does it, I decided to try out something I have always been intrigued with, online mortgage lenders. I found the process to be simple and relatively painless.

I had bought a house at a whopping 6.3 percent interest. And I was always getting emails from online refinancing companies for greatly reduced rates. So when Dr. Maynard asked me to write this new column, I knew what I would try.

Many people have a misconception of e-commerce. They believe that buying things over the internet is not as safe as your typical brick and mortar store. This is not the case at all. The internet can often be the source of the best deals from small companies that want to be able to compete outside their local markets and do not want the overhead of costly stores.

Wanting to rush the completion of the Mortgage process, I decided to pick a lender that had already approved me for a low rate. I chose the following message:

Dear Mrs. Skippenofsky

Like low rate, yes? 3.42%
Like good servise, yes? 24/17
Like partner, yes? we give you partner.

Call us? 0108903892823789
Email us?

I immediately put in a call to Frank. While he had a thick accent, I was able to understand Frank well, as one of my college professors came from an eastern block country. Frank explained to me that Lenubanc was more than just a lender. They wanted to treat me as a partner in home ownership. I confirmed the 3.42% interest rate and Frank sent me some documents to sign. I signed the documents, had them notarized and sent them back to Frank.

I have to say that I have been overwhelmed to the Lenubanc commitment to customer service. A few days after I mailed the papers in, Frank showed up at my door with a bottle of vodka and some fois grois. It was then that I learned the true meaning of the Lenubank partnership.

The papers I signed made Frank a part owner of my house. He moved into my spare room. I don’t want you to think that Frank just lives off of my house. He has really become part of my life. He helps with the bills and does some of the grocery shopping. He has truly become the partner as was promised.

Frank supplements his mortgage lending business by several small enterprises, which he runs from his office in my basement. He has also set up a small studio were he makes tasteful erotic films. I occasionally stand in as an extra in one of his films, or help Frank with his English on an email he’s sending to prospective customers. The money Frank pays me cuts my mortgage payments in half.

While some people may still be afraid of online purchases, I know I will no longer be. This one simple purchase has turned out not only to be a beneficial transaction, but a life altering experience.


US Calls Natanz Tour Staged Media Event

Friday, April 01, 2005

(SNN)The State Department has said that Iran should answer questions relating to its Natanz nuclear site. They have dismissed a recent tour given to journalists by the Iranian President as a “staged media event”.

Iran claims they wish to make their nuclear program transparent

While Iran claims they wish to make their nuclear program transparent, State department officials are not so sure. US Deputy State Department spokesman Adam Ereli said: "If Iran were really serious about demonstrating transparency in its nuclear program, it should answer all of the International Atomic Energy Agency's outstanding questions.”

State Department officials claim that the site is suspicious because it contains nuclear materials, it is in Iran, and the facility is underground. Iranian officials say that the site was built 18m (54ft) underground because of security problems. US Defense experts say it could be a precaution against possible aerial attacks from the US and Israel. However, Iranian officials contended that bombing of the nuclear facility would be a security problem.

Journalists are not really nuclear physicists.

Tehran allowed more than 30 local and foreign journalists to accompany Iranian President Mohammed Khatami on his official visit to Natanz. But in fairness to the state department, journalists are not really nuclear physicists. Your average journalist probably wouldn’t know the difference between a nuclear facility and a sewage treatment plant if you told them uranium refinement was “stinky”. It is also unknown how knowledgeable Mohammed Khatami is on the subject of nuclear fission.

While the US still contends that the tour was a “staged media event”, many journalists on the tour are not so sure. AP reporter George Perl claimed that the buffet was rather weak for a staged media event. “I was expecting those little wieners,” Perl said. Jeremy Bondman, a BBC reporter was quick to point out the lack of a Natanz gift bags.