NewsBlog 5000
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Editor’s Note: Al Gore is Fat

Saturday, May 26, 2007

These days there just doesn’t seem to be enough coverage on Al Gore’s weight. Last week, there were only 712 articles in the press about Gore’s weight.

It seems typical of the liberal press to start actually looking at Gore’s positions on Global Warming and his position as America’s leading statesman, instead of devoting all their time to making fun of his girth. This kind of liberal propaganda is typical of the mainstream media.

Sure Gore has the support of the scientific and international community for is work with global worming, but what about the effect on the environment caused by Gore. It is well documented that Gore travels the world on his quest to force factories to close, but he does not use a solar airplane, or one powered by a bicycle, which would be an excellent way for him to lose all that weight.

I also wonder about the more direct effects of Al Gore. As of the writing of this editorial, the effects of Gore’s methane emissions on the environment remain unmeasured. Until Gore replaces his digestive system with more environmentally friendly technologies, it will be impossible to take him seriously.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000


Secretary gets 8 Years in Prison

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

(SNN Atlanta) A federal judge ignored a plea for mercy today by a secretary who tried to steal trade secrets from the Coca Cola Corporation.

Joya Williams and her co-defendant, Ibrahim Dimson, each received eight years in prison, ordered to pay $40,000 of restitution and were ordered to three years of supervision after their prison sentence. This sentence suggests that the Georgia prison system has nothing better to do.

Trade secrets of the Coca Cola Corporation include things like: how long it takes for a full grown adult human to dissolve in three gallons of Coca Cola Classic, where is Dr. Pepper buried and what happened the night the light went out in Georgia.


Steve Jobs kills at shareholders meeting

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Jobs practices the five point palm exploding heart technique

(SNN Silicon Valley) The performance of Steve Jobs at Apples annual meeting yesterday has been called “outrageous”. Jobs refused to answer a question of a board director and laughed at the idea of giving back stock received in exchange for backdated options.

Teamsters representative Noa Oren tried to ask William Campbell, Apple’s co-lead director and the head of its compensation committee, about Jobs’ pay. Jobs grabbed a katana ran across the table and chopped off Oren’s head. Then he stated “As your leader, I encourage you from time to time, and always in a respectful manner, to question my logic. If you're unconvinced that a particular plan of action I've decided is the wisest, tell me so, but allow me to convince you and I promise you right here and now, no subject will ever be taboo. Except, of course, the subject that was just under discussion. The price you pay for bringing up either my compensation package or stock options as a negative is... I collect your fucking head. Just like this fucker here. Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now's the fucking time!”

Apple directors Bill Campbell, chairman of Intuit; Arthur Levinson, CEO of Genentech; and Eric Schmidt, CEO of Google, who all attended the meeting, were unavailable for comment afterward and did not return calls later.


Editor’s Note: Obama vows to end tax cuts for the rich

Monday, May 14, 2007

Barack Obama (who my spellcheck assures me should be named “Barracks Osama”) said yesterday that if elected president, he would seek to repeal President Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans and use the money for health care.

I don’t think Mr. Obama understands how bad off the rich would be without government assistance. Seriously, with gas expected to push over $4 this summer, the increase in the value of my Halliburton stock is going to barely fill the tank of my Hummer. Furthermore, I doubt Mr. Obama has priced quality top hats or monocles lately. With the madam scandal taking out some of the best professionals in the Washington D.C., some of my lobbyist friends have had to go as far as Baltimore to find quality sex at affordable prices.

An alternate plan by John Edwards to increase taxes on the wealthiest Americans would destroy the ability of the bottom 25% of the top 4% of the richest people from being able to buy and sell congress. Some may have to get by with only one yacht. This just goes to show how short sighted Mr. Edwards truly is. There’s more than one ocean.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000


Romney has limited imagination, is possibly gay.

Friday, May 11, 2007

(SNN Washington) Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has called the practice of polygamy “awful”.

Romney’s own great-great grandfater hand forty-seven wives and 371 children. “I have a great-great grandfather. They were trying to build a generation out there in the desert and so he took additional wives as he was told to do. And I must admit, I can't imagine anything more awful than polygamy," he said.

In Truant Publishing’s Book of Awful things, there are 4207 things listed as being more awful than polygamy. The predecessors include such humorous things as being leg humped by a dog, to nuclear genocide. Number 2372 on the list is monogamy.

Romney, 60, who has previously called polygamy "bizarre," does not drink, smoke or swear, and should not be throwing out labels like “bizarre” It’s possible he also doesn’t like girls.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, as the faith is formally known, distances itself from 30,000 to 60,000 breakaway Mormons in Utah and nearby states who practice polygamy illegally, as well as the many excommunicated Mormons in polygamous marriages who still identify with the faith.

Thirty to Sixth thousand? Seriously? There are that many Mormons?


Crying Eagle Popularity at all time low

Monday, May 07, 2007

(SNN Washington) Just after September 11, 2001, the Crying Eagle was often seen looking sadly at the downed towers of the World Trade Center, endorsing magnetic yellow ribbons or attacking the patriotism of war protestors. Recently however, things have not been good for the Crying Eagle.

Ironically, the Crying Eagle, or Bernie as his friends call him, posed for his famous photograph almost a year before September 2001, and he wasn’t even sad. “I was doing this photo shoot for a tire company,” Bernie relates. “It turns out I’m sensitive to that stuff they use to make the tires shiny. I was hoping the shoot would be my big break, but they ended up going with another eagle.”

Bernie was then cast as a companion to Keith Richards in Pirates of the Caribbean III, but he left the moving after a personality conflict. “I don’t really want to go into details,” Bernie told us. “Let’s just say that Keith still has a lot of issues to work through, and I wasn’t at a point where I could work with him.” Bernie went on to say that he would be happy to try working with Keith on another project, just not right now.

After the PotC III incident, Bernie has had to take jobs where he can find them. “I went to this dinner with John Ashcroft and he sang to me for fifteen minutes. It was really awkward.”

These days, the cruelty of Hollywood elitists have given Bernie something to really cry about. Movie and commercial deals have dried up and Bernie has been force to move back into the family home. “I guess I’m back to being sort of a carrion eater. But I just see this as a temporary setback. I just keep checking the phone and hoping that someday I will get another shot. Until then, I’m just going to try to keep my beak wet.”


5000 Salutes: Mr Breakfast

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Today, NewsBlog 5000 would like to showcase Mr. Breakfast's presidential campaign. While Mr. Breakfast is running for President, like many 3rd party candidates, he was not allowed to participate in the two party-centric debates.

As you can see, Mr. Breakfast has taken a stand on a very important issue. "I’m not insane." As far as we know, Mr. Breakfast is the first candidate to make promises about his sanity. A sane candidate would make a nice change after the current administration.

Dear Ryan,

I’m running for President of the United States… to promote the importance of breakfast. Hold on… I’m not insane.

At first look, my campaign might seem silly. But if you could take just 30 seconds to look at, I know you’ll see the Importance of Breakfast is an issue with a tremendous impact on the well-being of ALL Americans, especially our children.

It goes with out saying that any mention of the “Vote For Breakfast” campaign in your blog would be super greatly appreciated.

Thanks very much for your time.

Your friend,

Mr Breakfast (aka Eddy Chavey)


Editor’s Note: The Digital Tea Party

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Last night on Digg, a website described as a social networking community, experienced what some are calling a “Digital Tea Party”. Users revolted after site administrators took down a bunch of letters and numbers somehow capable of copying an HDDVD.

I don’t know much about social networking or what the letters and numbers could be used for, but I do employ a stable of homeless people, who write disparaging thing about Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and sometimes John Edwards (Edwards is like the Y in the vowel sequence) and post them to sites like Digg.

Anyway, around midnight last night, my hobo companions alerted me to the trouble, and I immediately switched them to writing letters to GOP congressmen to change the age of consent for starring in pornographic films to sixteen. I have an option on the remasters of Traci Lords’s early work.

The result of this “Digital Tea Party” was interesting. The site owner backed down and allowed users to place the code. If I were in a similar situation, I would have followed the example of King George and bolstered the ranks of my site administrators with a team of German mercenaries. The soft drunken users of digg would have thought twice had they been staring down the barrel of a Hessian rifle.

Dr. Ryan Maynard, Editor, Newsblog 5000