(SNN Washington) This evening, the president out laid his plans in his State of the Union address. The president asked for less oil, specially trained teachers, and a new plan for taking care of the elderly.

The president again echoed his statement "the State of the Union is strong." This has led many people to believe that the president does not know what the State of the Union means. Some believe that the President thinks that the State of the Union is where two states meet, specifically two states with similar names: for instance, the border of Virginia and West Virginia or the border of North Dakota and South Dakota. It should be noted that, unlike the border of Ohio and Indiana, neither of these borders has been recently involved in a dispute that has caused a shooting war.

Our president knows a thing or two about addiction. And in that spirit he has pointed out that America is addicted to oil. In fact, last year we gave $14.5 billion in subsidies to oil companies. This is nearly as much money as Senator Rick Santorum spends on crack. The President has vowed to put more federal money into the research of batteries and hybrid technology. It can only be assumed the president plans to reinstate many of the hybrid programs that he has canceled.

Our president also knows a thing or two about ignorance. He once said, "it is a terrible thing to lose one's mind," and he often shows us the meaning of those words. Mr. Bush has called for training 70,000 math and science teachers to improve the nation's competitiveness. Not surprisingly, the president did not decide to make English teachers a priority.

The president also had something to say to those who criticized the lack of Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. "Hindsight is not wisdom," Bush said. "And second-guessing is not a strategy." These words will no doubt comfort UN weapons inspectors who caused the war by being unable to find the nonexistent weapons.

UN weapons inspectors caused the war by being unable to find the nonexistent weapons.

But perhaps the president's most aggressive strategy will be his attempt to revamp "entitlement" programs such as Social Security. The president realizes that one of major costs for keeping old people from starving is food. Because of this, the president wants to start a radical new program. Under the new plan, seniors would be able to buy a government subsidized Arch Card. With this "Arch Card", seniors would be able to buy several delicious menu items at McDonald's for just one dollar.

The president also understands that one of the main challenges to the Social Security system will be the sheer number of people receiving benefits. Part of the cost for this is that people are living too long. So, in order to receive Social Security benefits, a retiree would have to have an implant put in their hand. On the day of their 68th birthday, this implant would start to glow red. On that day, the retiree would be asked to participate in an event called Carousel. In Carousel they would be sucked up in this fiery swirly thing. All participants of Carousel would then be given eternal life, as long as they are evangelical Christians.

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Tuesday, January 31, 2006 3 complaints

(SNN Washington) Senator Russell Feingold charged yesterday that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales may have misled the Senate a year ago. During his confirmation, Gonzales appeared to avoid answering questions about presidential authority and authorizing warrantless wiretaps of US citizens.

During his confirmation hearing, Gonzales was asked a question about warrantless eavesdropping. Gonzales dismissed the query, claiming that the question was "hypothetical".

What's interesting about Gonzales's statement is that, at the time, he was White House counsel. And, the White House had authorized warrantless wiretaps on US citizens, and had been doing so for several years. In addition, Gonzales has admitted to counseling the president on that very action.

This is all quite understandable. Gonzales is the son of immigrants who came to this country without advance knowledge of English language. In addition, Gonzales grew up in Texas, not the best place on earth to learn the English-language. It is quite understandable that Gonzales would not understand words such as "hypothetical". It is sad, and perhaps an indictment of our modern university system, that Gonzales was able to graduate from Harvard Law without ever understanding such an instrumental word.

It is however possible, that Gonzales was lying to Congress. In this case, Gonzales may be forced to do what many other administration officials have been forced to do when put in a similar situation. It is expected that if Feingold makes a case out of this alleged misdirection, Gonzales will laugh at him, and then tell him to "suck it."

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Tuesday, January 31, 2006 1 complaints

I'm proud to say that the bulk of our new staff is not currently in jail. And I welcome you, our loyal reader, back to NewsBlog 5000.

But, I hear you asking, "What happened to Ryan Maynard during the last few weeks?" I has been spending the last couple of weeks in Las Vegas, Nevada, where I let a corporate retreat for myself in a very tax-deductible way. I would like to assure you, our reader, that many an important lesson was learned. In addition, I'm proud to say that I've doubled the company budget.

Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Tuesday, January 31, 2006 0 complaints

Today, while writing a story about House ethics and corruption, our own James Skippenofsky was taken into custody. James was charged with armed robbery and for withholding information in regards to the murder of a man known as DJ Troy.

This predicament along with the ongoing incarceration of Alice Humbees leaves me, as the editor of one of America's leading online news magazines, with no real staff for actually writing the news.

For the time being, I am going to have to shut down NewsBlog 5000. Hopefully, following a fortunate arraignment of James Skippenofsky, and the release (with good behavior) of Alice Humbees, we will be able to resume activities in early February.

Ryan Maynard, Editor, NewsBlog 5000

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Wednesday, January 18, 2006 1 complaints

Something I have always wanted to do in my Skippy Does It segments is try out hypnosis. After asking around, and finding out that I don't know anyone who knows a hypnotist, I went to the phone book and started calling until I found one who would work for free in exchange for the publicity.

Fortunately, the hypnotist was able to get me in the very next day. I was very excited as I entered the offices of Dr. Hans Magnatter. After a short wait, the doctor, who had obviously given his receptionist the day off, personally greeted me. I was his first appointment for the day, so he immediately showed me into his office.

Dr. Magnatter's office was like something out of a sci-fi novel. He had beakers and test tubes, and there were those swirly things. He had me sit down and gaze into his eyes. Two hours later I woke up feeling very refreshed.

During the time I had been unconscious, I kept a tape recorder running in the office. The doctor told me to do all kinds of things: bark like a dog, squawk like a chicken, even take off my clothes. At one point, he even had me turn off the tape recorder. All and all, it was a lot of fun.

Editor's note

In the middle of writing this article, James Skippenofsky received a mysterious phone call. Immediately after the phone call, he robbed a local credit union.

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Tuesday, January 17, 2006 0 complaints

(SNN Washington) Surprisingly, it turns out that decorated Marine, John Murtha, is actually a coward. Sadly, this is just an indication of a greater problem.

Murtha may not have actually earned all of his purple hearts

According to an article in the Washington Post, which is based on article on an unknown web site, written by a man who is on the payroll of the RNC, which is based on an account of a secondhand report from a man who's been dead for 20 years, John Murtha may not have actually earned all of his purple hearts. In addition, it has been reported that several children who were in elementary school with Martha 80 years ago thought he was a "stupid head".

In true cowardly form, Murtha claims that these allegations of his conduct from 30 years ago have only come about because of his opposition to the Bush administration's position on Iraq.

Many people may be cowards and not even know it.

In addition, he tries to disproof is cowardice with the flimsy excuse of volunteering for Vietnam. "I volunteered for a year's duty in Vietnam. I was out in the field almost every single day. We took heavy casualties in my regiment the year that I was there. In my fitness reports, I was rated No. 1. My record is clear."

What Murtha does not understand is that seeing combat in VietNam does not automatically make you a hero. There are plenty of all American heros in the leadership of our government that had other priorities. Real heroism is about supporting the president and not speaking out.

This is the second decorated war veteran and a short knot of time to be proved to actually be a coward when facing the Bush administration. The frightening thing about this is no one knows exactly how far the cowardice reaches. The saddest thing is many people may be cowards and not even know it. If you have a long, distinguished history of defending the United States, and you think that the war in Iraq may not have been justified or simply is not going well, you are probably a coward

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Monday, January 16, 2006 0 complaints

(SNN Burnaby) A Radio Shack in Southwestern Canada has been plagued by paranormal activity. Many locals believe that the store events are a sign of the end.

Some employees have heard the pedometer chanting the Lord's Prayer backwards.

The Radio Shack looks like any others. There are PCs. There are radios. There are unidentifiable cables and electronic devices. But this retail outlet has something that all the other stores do not. "The talking pedometer is possessed," says an attractive, young employee. "Every few days or so, the tinny, lurching female voice announcing how many steps this stationary pedometer has taken, and echoes through the store I work at. It stops immediately when I walk around the corner to shut it off."

Other employees have also had run-ins with the talking pedometer. Some employees have heard the pedometer chanting the Lord's Prayer backwards. The pedometer told a regional manager that it would take him to hell. And once the pedometer held a ten minute conversation with an employee on why selling $30 USB cables is evil.

selling $30 USB cables is evil.

This is just the latest in a long string of events. Recently, a dual headed display computer arrived at the store, but they did not order one and no one has been able to figure out who sent it. Last summer, Vatican and Sprint officials were called in to investigate the PCS guy cardboard standup that was crying blood. Vatican officials have yet to comment on the incident. While the cardboard man is gone now, the feeling of doom and bloodstained carpet remains.

Some believe that the events are a mixture of coincidence and hoax. While many believe the events are localized, others believe that these events may have repercussions for the entire chain, a sort of Radio Shack seven seals. Until then, if you are in a Radio Shack in Southwestern Canada, and a pedometer starts talking to you, you may want to consider a hasty exit.

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Sunday, January 15, 2006 4 complaints

(SNN Washington) The Motion Picture Association of America is working with House members to produce legislation to plug America’s analog hole.

The main fear of the MPAA is that consumers will discover their analog hole

Chief among the analog hole watchers are James Sensenbrenner and John Conyers. The two representatives have introduced a bill (H.R. 4569), that would ensure some kind of locking device covered everyone’s analog hole.

The main fear of the MPAA is that consumers will discover their analog hole and take advantage of it. The fear is that if the general public abuses their analog hole too often, some sort of damage may occur. Recently, at the Consumer Electronics Show, the MPAA offered live analog hole demos.

What seems odd is that the majority of Americans either doesn’t know of their analog hole, or have not, in the past, abused it to the point of injury. Alternately, devices preventing anything from exiting via the analog hole could prove harmful in themselves.

This is just the latest of a series of bills from the MPAA to make any kind of copying illegal. A similar bill in 2002 that would have forcibly implant devices to plug analog holes was defeated when Senators found out that, if the bill passed, they would no longer be able to tape Matlock on new VCRs.

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Thursday, January 12, 2006 1 complaints

Whenever I watch TV, I'm always seeing these ads for discount drug cards. So this week for Skippy does it, I decided to obtain my own discount drug card.

In searching for the perfect drug discount card for me, my friend Frank suggested that I try the parking garage behind the bus station. So early on Saturday morning, I set out for the bus station. While I extensively search their parking area, I founded no agencies willing to sell me a drug discount card. When I asked Frank about this, he told me that I should try back later in the evening.

At 8 p.m. that same Saturday, I returned to the parking area behind the bus station. There, I met a man who called himself DJ Troy. He offered a plethora of drug discount cards. After perusing his wares, I received a free drug discount card.

There were many different types of drug discount cards offered, from the simple free card I received, to one with a high upfront payment that would have a higher potential reward. For instance, my free card will only get the one free rock of crack once I have purchased nine rocks. Conversely, DJ Troy offered a monthly subscription card that, for a sizable fee, would give me 40% off on all crack purchased within a given month. There is an additional catch these cards, you must buy all your crack from DJ Troy.

In the interest of giving you a thorough report, I bought a rock that day, and I returned to the bus station nine additional times. I did indeed receive my 10th rock for free.

Sadly, shortly after I finished my field research, DJ Troy was shot fifteen times behind the bus station. He died as he lived: behind the bus station.

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Tuesday, January 10, 2006 0 complaints

(SNN Washington) Despite frequent visits from lobbyist and DeLay associate Jack Abramoff to the White House, officials say the president has no idea who Abramoff is.

the president and Abramoff never became friends

It seems that Jackie Abramoff visited the White House almost constantly. But, White House officials say that each time he visited it was merely to attend some sort of function. He attended White House functions on such occasions as Hanukkah, Arbor Day, Boxing Day, birthdays of the president's pets, beer parties thrown by Bush's daughters, and for this other holidays to be named later. Despite this, and the fact that Abramoff raised $100,000 for the president's reelection, the president and Abramoff never became friends.

White House spokesperson Scott McClellan said "The president does not know [Abramoff], nor does the president recall ever meeting him." This is actually not too surprising. The president doesn't remember a lot of things or people or places. In fact, the president often forgets who Scott McClellan is.

The President is known for coming up with descriptive nicknames for people

A White House employee has come forward and said that the President often referred to Abramoff as "that funny lookin guy with the money." For the President, this could actually be considered a term of affection. The President is known for coming up with descriptive nicknames for people who's names he can't remember. For instance, the President often referred to General Tommy Franks as "that funny looking guy with the Army."

The allegiance between DeLay in Bush has always been shaky one. Each man considers himself the most important conservative in government. Each man considers himself the most important Texan in government. Each man considers himself the smartest man in the world.

In addition, DeLay supposedly took offense at Bush's campaign speech in 1999 where Bush said the House should not "balance their budget on the backs of the poor." And, the Bush administration has never been quick to take DeLay out in public and show him off. However, DeLay has proved instrumental in establishing White House backed legislation such as the energy bill, the Medicare prescription drug plan, the Central American Free Trade Agreement and other programs which balance our national budget on the backs of the poor.

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Monday, January 09, 2006 1 complaints

(SNN Washington) Under pressure from colleagues, Representative Tom DeLay has permanently stepped down from his position of House Majority Leader. DeLay said he was forced to step down because of his acting in "an ethical manner within the rules of our body and laws of our land"

connect DeLay's departure with the guilty pleas of lobbyist Jack Abramoff

Some have gone as far as to connect DeLay's departure with the guilty pleas of lobbyist Jack Abramoff. However, others say that is just a matter of time before it comes out that the stories about DeLay and Abramoff laundering money together, stealing millions of dollars, selling the House of Representatives for the highest better and having sex on the conference room table on Air Force One will all turn out to be just nasty rumors. In fact, by the time DeLay comes up for reelection, it will probably be public knowledge that the two did not know each other at all.

Zach Wamp Whip
Zach Wamp Whip
Zach Wimp Wap
Zich Wick Wimp
Zick Lick Lamp

His suspicion immediately started a potentially divisive fight over who should become the new leader. While technically, any Republican member of the House of Representatives could be the next majority leader, in actuality it will come down to about a half-dozen members that are not currently under investigation or indictment.

It is rumored that Representative Roy Blunt is very fired up by the idea of being the next majority leader. If owned were to become the new majority leader, it would leave the position of majority whip open. Many would like to see Zach Wamp Whip.

It is not known whether the White House played any role in pushing DeLay out. But with a track record of firing Colin Powell, keeping Donald Rumsfeld and praising the performance of Mike Brown, it does not take much imagination to guess at their position.

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Sunday, January 08, 2006 2 complaints

A former lover of Trent Lott, Novak has often been called a douchebag by his closest friends. His recent accomplishments include outing a CIA operative and getting kicked off CNN. He fits the modern definition of journalist which basically means he repeats what the administration tells him. He once compared a compromise on President Bush’s judicial nominees to the holocaust. And we have it on good authority that he wets the bed.

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Friday, January 06, 2006 0 complaints

(SNN Las Vegas) US Senate minority leader here agreed today called for the resignation of Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff. This follows Chertoff dropping Las Vegas from a list of cities considered to be high risk targets for anti-terrorism grains.

More people travel to Las Vegas for New Year's Eve than traveled to New York City.

Reid pointed out that more people travel to Las Vegas for New Year's Eve than traveled to New York City. "Anyone who can't see that Las Vegas is a high-risk area doesn't deserve to serve in a position like that," Reid said.

In addition, Clark County Sheriff Bill Young points out that five of the airplane hijackers troubled to Las Vegas before the September 11 attacks. Also, another terrorist case showed that Las Vegas was considered a good target by terrorists.

the President is crazy

In the defense of Michael Chertoff, it is quite easy to understand why he would drop Las Vegas from the list of threatened cities. He does not even have a glimmer of a clue of what he is doing.

Like many Bush appointees, such as his former deputy Mike Brown, he would be hard-pressed to find his ass with both of his hands. Many people see this as a weakness, but the President is crazy like a fox. It is easy for a terrorist to predict the actions of informed, intelligent and logical people. Today, Chertoff cuts grants for Las Vegas, maybe tomorrow, he will blow up Cleveland. This is how we will keep them guessing.

The White House acted promptly in reacting to Reid's statements. They immediately made a recess appointment of a Chertoff's wife, Julie L. Myers, to head the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Bureau.

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Thursday, January 05, 2006 0 complaints

(SNN Washington) When President Bush signed the bill outlining the torture of detainees, he issued an additional statement declaring that he will respect interrogation limits in the context of his broader powers.

A White House official told us that the laws would not be ignored.

Basically, what this means is that despite the fact of law was passed by a veto proof super majority of both houses of Congress, the president still believes that he can torture people at his own discretion. The president's "signing statement" as it is called essentially says "I will torture whomever I like whenever I feel like it."

A White House official told us that the laws would not be ignored. "We consider it a valid statute. We consider ourselves bound by the prohibition on cruel, unusual, and degrading treatment." However, the officials said the situation could arise in which Bush may have to waive the law's restrictions.

A detainee is believed to have information that could prevent a planned terrorist attack.

The official then cited an example where a detainee is believed to have information that could prevent a planned terrorist attack. In such a situation, President Bush could swoop in like a Jack Bauer and personally use his vast array of torture techniques the detainee. The President is considered an expert in the field of torture, being especially fond of the Australian Ball Sticker.

Some say that this interpretation of the new law is indicative of the demonstration which believes it is above the law. This has seemingly been corroborated by recent actions of the administration. Administration officials have said that in order to defend the Constitution, it is reasonable for the president to ignore judicial approval, ignore laws from Congress, and eat sushi off the bellies of naked Japanese whores.

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Wednesday, January 04, 2006 1 complaints

A conservative public policy group, Concerned Women for America, has identified the Barbie doll as a tool to promote gender confusion among children.

This third choice must be especially hard on intersex children

As evidence of this promotion, the CWA points to a form on the Barbie.com web site. In this online form, children as young as four are asked if they are a boy or a girl. But, what the group takes exception with just the third choice "I don't know". This third choice must be especially hard on intersex children, who are called ignorant for the physical characteristics they were born with.

But, Barbie has always been confusing for children. A boy or girl enters an aisle full of labia pink boxes and either with parental assistance or on their own makes a purchase. They take home a Barbie doll, the symbol of everything that is feminine to many young girls, and discover that she has no genitalia. In addition, the dolls lack adult secondary sexual characteristics.

If we want children to realistically understand sex roles, these dolls should indeed have functioning genitalia. In addition, their choice of mate should not be hunky young men, but rather old, fat, sweaty men willing to pay $100 for a 10 minute lap dance. For without men like these, I never would have made it through grad school.

Bunny Delicious, Opinions

posted by NewsBlog 5000  # Tuesday, January 03, 2006 1 complaints